This is your first impression of me. My sources say that first impressions are made in the first three seconds, and that the average reading speed is 240 WPM. Taken together this means you decided what you, dear implausibly average reader, think of me after the word "average". If you read at 400 WPM, it happened after "average", and if you read at 500 WPM, it happened at ""average"". Long recursive story short, I fucked it up.

All that I can hope is that you don't like to read and have skipped to the cartoon representations of me below. These are all accurate, except for the one about my being more kinky. That cartoon I don't actually look like. I wish I did, but we'll return to that in a joke found later in my profile, a joke I call "The Clincher"

Updating my OKCUPID profile. I'm trying to come across as smart, attractive, sexy, clever. Tomorrow I'll figure out how to be those things IRL.

BSing. I try to use this gift for good and never for evil. Once I told my friend that I was born in Hungary, and that my parents were in a river delta there when mum went into labor, and that sea cows had lead them out of the labyrinthine delta back to civilization. I immediately forgot telling her this. A while later at a party someone pointed out that we were all native Californians, and my friend corrected them in front of me, telling this crazy story about me being born in Hungary and something about friendly manatees. So I try not to tell stories like that. Except for last night, when I told someone that baby buffalo are called Ton-Tons. That's actualy the name for the pack animal used on the ice planet Hoth in Star Wars. So maybe I need to date a biologist who's not affraid to slap a bull shit artist.

My superhuman whiteboyness. Actually, most people never notice me. Too busy growing rice or something.

I don't file my tastes into compartments. I alphabetize them:

A People's History of the United States, Aesop Rock, Against Method, Battlestar Galactica, BBC's 1984, Brain Candy, Brazil, Bright Eyes, Broken Social Scene, Buckaroo Banzai, Built to Spill, Childhood's End, Citadels, cLOUDDEAD, Dark City, Death Cab, DEVO, Donnie Darko, Dr Strangelove, Dune, Enemy Mine, Everything and More, everything on my plate, Excel Saga, Fido, Firefly, Flux, Godel Escher Bach, Happiness, High Fidelity, How to Get Ahead in Advertising, I Heart Huckabees, Idiocracy, Invader Zim, Jacob's Ladder, Jojo's Bizarre Adventure, Kids in the Hall, Kristen Hersch, Ladytron, LCD Soundsystem, Mates of State, MC Hawking, MC Paul Barman, Memento, Mindless Self Indulgence, Minus the Bear, Mitch Headberg, Modest Mouse, Morphine, Mr Show, Network, Neutral Milk Hotel, Nick Cave, Nine Inch Nails, Of Montreal, On Food and Cooking, Peaches, Peaches, Pi, Pimp, Pretty Girls Make Graves, Primer, Primus, Psychology and Ideology(essay-1972), Radiohead, Radiolab, Ricochet Robots, Rilo Kiley, Rock Band, Set, SLC Punk,Star Wars 4-6, Strange Angel, Subtle, Superjail, Talking Heads, Team America World Police, The 6ths, The Arcade Fire, the beer in front of me, the beer in front of you, The Big Lebowski, The Breeders, The Corporation, The Cure, The Decemberists, The Filth, The Flaming Lips, The Frogs, The Halo Benders, The Hold Steady, The Invisibles, The Klaxons, The Magnetic Fields, The Naked Soul of Iceberg Slim, The New Pornographers, The Outer Limits (1960s), The Pixies, The Postal Service(been waiting since Christmas for the new album), The Prisoner, The Real Ultimate Power Official Ninja Handbook, The Shins, The State, The structure of Scientific Revolutions, The Visual Display of Quantitative Information, The White Stripes, The Wire, They Live, They Might Be Giants, This American Life, Tool, Upright Citizens Brigade, Waking Life, Wax, Weird Al Yankovic, whatever's left on your plate when you are done, Wolf Parade, Z

By the way, it is important to keep this section of your profile current or you run the risk of dating yourself, and you are here to date other people.

You can hold down the return key for 20 seconds and you won't get to the end of the space provided for this answer. Nobody is that needy. I'm not anyway.

Schrodinger's bonsai kitty.

Water, high fructose corn syrup, textured animal protein, ethanol. Produced in a facility that utilizes peanuts. Phenylketonurics - Contains Phenylalanine!

Once I was watching lesbian porn and I started crying. The world is so unfair. I will never get the chance to have lesbian sex, not even once.

I wear my oxytocin receptors on my sleeve.

I cry at the end of Bubble Boy. Not because Bubble Boy never gets to have lesbian sex, although that is sad too.

I am a nerdvert. Example - I once pressed a vibrator against my head and adjusted the refresh rate on my monitor in order to determine the frequency and amplitude of the vibrations.

You look like a pretty young girl but you think like a dirty old man. Please don't feel rejected if I don't get back to you right away. I am a 94% match with myself, so I might be hooking up with me using the internet.