Women of OKCUPID, you seem to have your shit together, so I'm going to address the boys first with some general advice.

Don't be such an entitled prick. Don't make your profile into a list of things you think are owed you in a companion without demonstrating any redeeming qualities in yourself. You say you have a great sense of humor? Great! Be funny in your profile. Love long walks on the beach? What beach? Why? Say something insightful about beach walking. It's the age of the internet, find a way to add value to people's lives with text and pictures. And guys, it's the bay area, you are surrounded by beautiful, interesting women. You have it easy. Please just find a way to not be such a self entitled douche.
Don't lie. Don't add two inches to you height. Do you really think she's not going to notice? If she cares, she's going to notice when she meets you. If she doesn't care, there's no reason to lie. Simple, right?
Wash up. You know that phrase "Smells like balls"? That's not an excuse to let your sack wreak. Get some salt scrub or something. Let's make it so that "Smells like balls" means "smells pleasantly of lavender and/or citrus".
I guess that's just three demands, but I see how it might seem daunting, so let me start you out here. Go buy a clown nose. Take a picture of your head from the side. Put it up as one of your photos. Title it "Funny OKCUPID profile!". You are going to get so much pussy for this. When you do, she might make you wear the clown nose. If she does, she's a keeper. Put a ring on it.
OK now that that is out of the way, here's my self summary as previously written, showcasing my awesomeness. No more bitter rant inspired by disappointment in my gender.

Heh, whiteyonthemoon - Ethnicity White
Actually, recent genetic testing has revealed that I'm 3% Neanderthal. It's awesome. You know when you get that feeling that other people must just not be the same species as you? What if one day you found out that it was at least partially true. You'd be having an awesome life for a while. The human rules just don't apply to (3% of) me. I'm like the undermensch.

This profile is not to be taken seriously. It's a bunch of stuff I made up. Like yours. Maybe I just want your money or sex or for you to send me some banking information and help me leave cotonou benin refugee camp and reclaim 200KG OF 22 KARRAT ALLUVIA GOLD DUST left to me by my family. Mostly you shouldn't take it seriously because I need to rewrite it, answer questions again, and get some better pictures. These make me look like a fucking caveman.

Do I have a job? Is that what you are trying to ask me in some oblique way, OKCUPID? Yes I do. I work in a lab. I could get more specific, but explaining what I do is what I get paid for in the first place - I go to the lab, do some stuff, then explain it to people. I will say that it is awesome to be in a lab late at night with the radio up loud playing with millions of dollars worth of equipment finding out things nobody knew before, and getting paid. Who knows though, I could be out of a job next week, and Match.com could fire OkCupid. Capitalism - the best way of life money can buy.

Other than that I am fixing up the basement that Charles Manson used to squat in while simultaneously living there.

In short, Sex, drugs, rock and roll, rational inquiry, and sweat.

BSing. I try to use this gift for good and never for evil. Once I told my friend that I was born in Hungary, and that my parents were in a river delta there when mum went into labor, and that sea cows had lead them out of the labyrinthine delta back to civilization. I immediately forgot telling her this. A while later at a party someone pointed out that we were all native Californians, and my friend corrected them in front of me, telling this crazy story about me being born in Hungary and something about friendly manatees. So I try not to tell stories like that. Except for last night, when I told someone that baby buffalo are called Ton-Tons. That's actualy the name for the pack animal used on the ice planet Hoth in Star Wars. So maybe I need to date a biologist who's not affraid to slap a bull shit artist.

You know when you go to a show and some tall guy stands in front of you? This is your chance to be the girl standing in front of him instead.

I don't file my tastes into compartments. I alphabetize them:

99% Invisible, A People's History of the United States, Aesop Rock, Against Method, Axe Cop, Battlestar Galactica, BBC's 1984, Brain Candy, Brazil, Bright Eyes, Broken Social Scene, Buckaroo Banzai, Built to Spill, Adenosine receptor antagonists, Capsaicin, Childhood's End, Citadels, cLOUDDEAD, Dark City, Death Cab, DEVO, Dominion, Donnie Darko, Dr Strangelove, Dune, English as She is Spoken, Enemy Mine, Everything and More, everything on my plate, Excel Saga, Fido, Firefly, Flux, GABA receptor ligands, Game of Thrones, Godel Escher Bach, Happiness, High Fidelity, How to Get Ahead in Advertising, I Heart Huckabees, Idiocracy, Ingress, Invader Zim, Jacob's Ladder, Jojo's Bizarre Adventure, Kids in the Hall, Kristen Hersch, Ladytron, LCD Soundsystem, Mates of State, MC Hawking, MC Paul Barman, Memento, Mindless Self Indulgence, Minus the Bear, Mitch Headberg, Modest Mouse, Morphine, Mr Show, Network, Neutral Milk Hotel, Nick Cave, Nine Inch Nails, Of Montreal, On Food and Cooking, Peaches, Peaches, Pi, Pimp, Pretty Girls Make Graves, Primer, Primus, Psychology and Ideology(essay-1972), Radiohead, Radiolab, Ricochet Robots, Rilo Kiley, Rock Band, Savage Love Podcast, SET, SLC Punk, Seafood soups, Social Studies, Star Wars 4-6, Strange Angel, Subtle, Superjail, Talking Heads, Team America World Police, The 6ths, The Arcade Fire, the beer in front of me, the beer in front of you, The Big Lebowski, The Breeders, The Corporation, The Cure, The Decemberists, The Filth, The Flaming Lips, The Frogs, The Halo Benders, The Hold Steady, The Invisibles, The Klaxons, The Magnetic Fields, The Naked Soul of Iceberg Slim, The New Pornographers, The Outer Limits (1960s), The Pixies, The Postal Service, The Prisoner, The Real Ultimate Power Official Ninja Handbook, The Shins, The State, The structure of Scientific Revolutions, The Visual Display of Quantitative Information, The White Stripes, The Wire, They Live, They Might Be Giants, This American Life, Too Much Information, Tool, Upright Citizens Brigade, Waking Life, Wax, Weird Al Yankovic, whatever's left on your plate when you are done, Wolf Parade, Z.
I've gotten hooked on Downton Abbey. If you mess with my emotions the way this show is you'll be so dumped.

By the way, it is important to keep this section of your profile current or you run the risk of dating yourself, and you are here to date other people.

You can hold down the return key for 20 seconds and you won't get to the end of the space provided for this answer. Nobody is that needy. I'm not anyway.

Schrodinger's bonsai kitty. Whether Anthony Bourdaine is essentially a good or bad person, Whether my cat is getting better at the game where I try to keep away the feathers on the end of the string or I am getting worse, Where homeless people get batteries for their boomboxes, What riding a fixie is like, If what I am thinking about has already been thoroughly explored and explained on Wikipedia, How Digital Underground performs live, given that Humpty Hump is actually the same person as Shock G, How the polarity of the molecules in food affects taste and mouth feel, ways that the world might end if something isn't punctuated correctly, Why my boss wants a bar graph of six numbers, Why the spectrum theory of olfaction isn't accepted, Carbogen, hypochondria and anosognosia

And this, like all the time, this:
http://center-stone.org/wp/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/actual.png

Water, high fructose corn syrup, textured animal protein, ethanol. Produced in a facility that utilizes peanuts. Phenylketonurics - Contains Phenylalanine!

Once I was watching lesbian porn and I started crying. The world is so unfair. I will never get the chance to have lesbian sex, not even once.

I wear my oxytocin receptors on my sleeve.

I cry at the end of Bubble Boy. Not because Bubble Boy never gets to have lesbian sex, although that is sad too.

I am a nerdvert. Example - I once pressed a vibrator against my head and adjusted the refresh rate on my monitor in order to determine the frequency and amplitude of the vibrations.

Let me take off this goofy white boy costume for a second to have a serious word with you. I like to keep it light when I meet someone. Chances are if we start chatting, or messaging, or hit a bar together, we are going to spend most of our time in playful banter. Our opinions on serious things may not come up for a while. Still, if you say something that only an proud homophobe would say, I will know that you are making fun of homophobic people and not homos. How will I know this? Because we are greater than an 80% match, and you have answered over 100 match questions. That's what I like in a woman. Really. When people say "Whitey, what's, you know, your 'type'?", I say "Someone who is a greater than 80% match with me. Oh and that needs to be statistically relevant, so they should have answered more than 100 questions. If possible many more. I'm all about statistical significance. Some people say I'm a sample size queen."

Anyway, are you really considering messaging a boy? Around here guys message girls, not the other way around. So I guess you should message me if you are one of those women who doesn't know her place, but be warned, I'm kinda into that.