When composing a piece of music, I struggle with the same problems I have while starting a paper. I want to say something meaningful and I want it to state my thoughts in some ideal, �most effective� form. In actual practice, this is unrealistic, so I aim for something close to that. Unfortunately this ideal form is subjective, but even worse, my ability to attain this perfection, or ideal form, or anywhere near it, is limited. Thus, as I compromise in my attempts to attain this perfection, I tend to overreact and either compromise too much (i.e. accepting much less than my ideal) or throw out the idea as unworthy pursuing if unattainable (all or nothing). In the case of school work assignments, the former is my usual method of operation, given my generally pragmatic streak.

As I�ve studied creativity and creative endeavors, however, I�ve learned that such perfection can come with time (or at least something significantly appreciable), To achieve this, one must wait in the grey netherworlds of failure and halfassery, which is not to my liking. As my father said time and time again, �Any job worth doing is worth doing well.� I�m accustomed by my experiences in school to achieving much (high marks in school) with little to no effort (to a somewhat reduced extent in college). I was set up to expect something for nothing. In this way, I feel that my upbringing has led me to expect too much of myself.

And here we come to the crux of the issue, something I was unaware of as I started this paper. I�ve never challenged myself (or the world challenged me too late) and now I�m thrown off by these challenging tasks in college. What is the solution? For one who is unaccustomed to difficulty, how should the tempering begin?

>One possibility is to look at these challenges and games and to turn them into fun. Unfortunately, I�ve turned a lot of these things into very negative experiences by the way I�ve dealt with them in the past (like writing). As such, a change like that would be difficult.

Time Started: 1:47 am
Name: Kevin
Gender: male

1) When showering, do you start the water and then get in or get in and start the water?

Start the water then get in. I don't like getting blasted by cold water thanks.

2) Do you read the labels on the shampoo bottle?

Of course. At least once at some point.

3) Do you moan in the shower like the people on the herbal essence commercials?

Uh... no
5) Have you ever been forced to shower with one of your siblings?
not shower, but I took baths with my younger brother until some age. I forgot how old I was. We're one year apart.

6.) Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower?
Not that often, but yes.

7) Have you ever dropped your soap on your foot?

yeah

8) How old do you look?

I look young for my age, always have.

9) How old do you act?

Beats me. I've always been more comfortable with people older than me th ough, at least as a kid.

10) What's the last song you heard/sang?

I don't know.

11) Have you recently become a member of anything?
Not that I can recall.

12) What are your plans for the weekend?

Ummm... I think a friend is coming in from out of town. MAybe other shenanigans

13) What is your mood at the moment?

I'm a little annoyed with myself.

14.) Have you ever ridden a mechanical bull?

Nope

15) Do you ever intentionally vomit after drinking?

I have in the past, when I was just beginning. Not anymore.

16) If you were working on a pirate ship, what would you most likely be?

Probably the captain or first mate.

17) Have you ever called anyone a slut?

Of course. Probably in jest though.

18) Has anyone ever called you a slut?

Not seriously.

19) Have you ever smuggled something into Canada?

No. Only been there once.

20) Does playing a guitar make someone more attractive?

Not really.

21) Do you live in a city with a good sports team?

No.

22) Have you ever finished off the popcorn?

What the hell does that mean?

23) Have you ever turned someone down for a date?

Yeah...

24) What's your favorite super-hero?

I don't really care. punisher?

25) Do you have more enemies or more friends?

Don't have any enemies. At least that I know of.

26) Have you ever sent an anonymous letter?

Not that I can recall.

27) Can you fix your own car?
Don't have my own car.

29) Are you smarter than your friends?

Most of them yes.

30) Have you ever stolen anything from your friends?

I pick up spare change off the ground that at some point could have been theirs. does that count?

31) Have you ever been to jail?
Not yet.

32) Last thing you bought over 50 dollars?
Brewing supplies.

33) Do you like the smell of beer?

Why yes. Yes I do.

34) Have you ever died or killed someone in a dream?

I've watched others die. I don't th ink I've ever killed s=omeone else or died myself though. I did go to hell once though.

35) Have you ever given to charity?
Yeah

36) Would you kill a dog for $1000?

Sure.

37) Do you ever get depressed?

Not really.

38) Do you live with your parents?

No. In a house with a couple other guys.

39) Do you have plans for your future?
Not exactly. *frown*
You are

[ ] under 5'4
[ ] 5'4"-5'5"
[ ] 5'5"-5.6"
[ ] 5'6.5 - 5'7 ''
[ ] 5'7" - 6'0
[x] tall (6.1 and up)

NATURALLY

[ ] blonde
[ ] redhead
[ ] brunette
[ ] dirty blonde
[ ] brownish
[x] dark brown
[ ] black
[ ] red/light brown
[ ] Don't Know, Dyed Too Much

[x] blue-eyed
[ ] brown-eyed
[ ] black-eyed
[ ] green-eyed
[ ] Hazel-eyed
[ ] gold/gray-eyed
[ ] silver/gray- eyed
[ ] blue/green-eyed
[ ] blue/gray-eyed
[ ] green/gray-eyed
[ ] they change colors
[ ] amber

[ ]glasses
[ ] contacts
[ ] neither
[X]Both


[x] medium hair
[ ] kinda long hair


Your favourite color(s) are?

[ ] red
[x] khaki
[ ] aqua
[ ] pink
[ ] hot pink
[ ] yellow
[ ] black
[ ] green
[ ] lime green
[X] blue
[ ] white
[ ] turquoise
[ ] silver
[ ] purple
[ ] brown
[ ] orange
[x] grey
[ ] fuscia
[ ] maroon
[ ] gold
[ ] teal
[ ] coral
[ ] clear
[ ] bronze
[x] I don't really care
[ ] rainbow
[ ] I basically like all colors


Your personality is sometimes...

[x] talkative
[X] shy
[X] funny
[x] serious
[X] laid back
[ish] strict
[x] hyper
[x] sarcastic
[ ] I have multiple personalities


You like listening to:

[x] pop
[x] country (sometimes)
[ ] Christian
[XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX] orchestral/classical
[x] techno
[X] oldies
[x] opera
[ ] soca
[x] 80's
[x] disco
[x] rap (sometimes)
[x] classic rock
[ ] pop punk
[x] metal
[X] reggae
[ ] rock
[x] alt/indie rock
[ ] emo
[X] foreign rock
[ ] ska
[ ] lots of different stuff
[X] dancehall


The pets you have HAD

[x] cat
[ ] dog
[ ] lizard
[ ] rat
[ ] mouse
[ ] ferret
[ ] bunny
[ ] fish
[ ] horse
[ ] frog
[ ] hermit crab
[ ] turtle
[ ] hamster
[ ] snake
[x] gerbil
[ ] guinea pig
[ ] pig
[ ] goat
[ ] chinchilla
[ ] tarantula
[ ] geese
[ ] baby chicks
[ ] baby ducklings
[ ] none
[ ] hedgehog
[ ] snail
[ ] piranha
[ ] parrot
[ ] newt
[ ] pigeon
[X] rock


Your confessions:

[ ] I'm afraid of silence
[ ] I am really ticklish
[ ] I'm afraid of the dark!
[ ] I've collected comic books
[ ] I sometimes shut out others (what does this mean?)
[ ] I open up to others TOO easily
[x] I read the newspaper
[ ] I love Disney movies
[ ] a sucker for gorgeous eyes
[X] I am a sucker for gorgeous smile
[ ] I don't kill bugs
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name
[ ] I bake well
[X] have worn pajamas to class (Ah, college...)
[ ] I love Martha Stewart
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS
[x] I am self-conscious
[x] I love to laugh
[ ] I can't swallow pills
[ ] I bite my nails
[ ] play computer games when I'm bored
[ ] I have gotten lost in the city
[ ] I have gone out in public in my pajamas
[ ] made out in an elevator
[ ] I have been skydiving
[ ] I have been bungee jumping
[x] I have bitten someone (siblings hello....)
[ ] I have egged or rolled a house/car/telephone booth.
[ ] I have smashed into a car
[ ] I have been fired
[ ] I have been skinny dipping

Have you ever...

[x] seen a shooting star
[ ] joke proposed to anyone
[x] gotten stitches
[ ] eaten Sushi
[x] gotten the chicken pox
[x] Ridden in a taxi
[ ] Been on a cruise ship
[X] Driven over 400 miles in one day
[ ] Been on a plane by yourself
[x] had surgery
[ ] seen a movie more than 3 times in the theater
[X] been on stage
[x] gotten a black eye
[ ] memorized all the dialogue in a movie
[X] watched an entire baseball game

Do you like...
[ ] old movies
[ ] musicals
[ ] blasting music in your car/or someone else's
[ ] foreign foods (I travel too much to hate foreign food!)
[ ] gameboy Pokemon.
[ ] Christmas time
[x] animals
[x] coffee
[x] tea
[x] summer
[x] winter


TWOs OF EVERY KIND

Two Names You Go By:
Matt, Kevbo

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:

underwear, brown t shirt.

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation:

Sweden and Germany.

Two favorite animals?

Don't care.

Two Things You Want in a Relationship other than Real Love:

openness and understanding

Two Reasons you're doing this survey:

bored and it helps me think about who I am as a person.

Spell your name without vowels:

kvn mtthw lndgrn

How many pairs of jeans do you own?

Probably 6 or 7

What color(s) do you wear most often?
Beats me.

Last song heard on the radio?
No idea. classical music of some sort.

Are you missing someone right now?

not really

What's for dinner tonight?

I don't know yet.

Are you happy with your life right now?

I guess

[Do you own a...]

- PS2? used to
- XBOX? uused to
- XBOX 360? yes
- PSP? no
- Gamecube? no
- A digital camera? noa
- A wii? No

Do you shop at stores like Aeropostale and American Eagle:

uh... nope. can't say that I do.

How do you make money?

I sing in a church choir.

Last thing you bought?

I rented a movie. Clerks 2.

How's the weather?

*Cold and snowy.

When did you start summer break?

end of may.

Favorite pair of shoes:
wow I definitely don't care.

Do you own big sunglasses?
nah.

Do you find yourself attractive?

yesh

What should you be doing right now?

I should be in class.

Who did you hug today?

no one. I don't hug too many people.

How many beds did you lay in yesterday?
2 I think.

Name one thing that you do everyday?

Sing

What's the color of your bedroom walls?

white

How much cash do you have on you right now?

no pants sorry.

What's your favorite sport?

I do not care about sports.

When was the last time you saw your dad?

a couple weeks ago.

What did you have for dinner last night?

I didn't eat dinner.

Look to your left, what do you see?

shades, money.

Do you have plants in your room?

nope

What's your favorite starbucks drink?

green tea frappe.

Recent time you were really upset?

doesn't happen.

Time Finished: 9:19 am

1) What side of the heart do you draw first?
left

2) Can you dive without plugging your nose?
pretty sure
3) What color is your razor?
black and silver

4) What is your blood-type?
A positive maybe... it's a something.

5) Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?
what? beats me.

6) What is a rumor someone has spread about you?
I don't hear rumors about myself, so I wouldn't know.

7) How do you feel about carrots?
always better raw

8) How many chairs at the dining room table?
which one?

9) Which is the best Spice Girl?
don't care

10) Do you know what time it is?
204 am

11) Do you know all the words to the Fresh Prince?
Now, this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down...
if not all the words properly, then pretty close to how they sound.

12) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?
wait patiently for the rescue and read a book since I always have one with me.

13) What's your favorite kind of gum?
free.

14) All's fair in love and war?
I guess so.... doesn't mean that people don't have a right to hurt feelings as a result. That's not a reference to anything in my past, merely an acknowledgement of the validity of others' feelings

15) Do you have a crush on anyone?
in some form or another, almost always.

16) Do you know how to use some words correctly, but not know the meaning?
As in I'd have a hard time giving a definition in words? yes. But I have an appropriate feelinng/emotion/color/image attached to it.

17) Do you like to sleep?
yes, but it's never convenient, and I hate waking up, so I usually stay up too long.

18) Do you know which US states don't use Daylight Savings?
don't care. I know Indiana has some issues with it and that Arizona and Hawaii don't.

19) Do you know the words to the song Total Eclipse of the Heart?
nah

20) Do you want a bright yellow '06 mustang?
And have to pay insurance? no.

21) What's something you've always wanted to do?
*grumble* I won't say because it's lame.
22) Do you have hairy legs?
yes... I'm a guy. I think we're supposed to.

23) What does "Semper Fidelis" stand for?
stand for... that seems to imply that it's an acronym or something instead of a foreign language. you should ask what it means. it means always faithful.

24) Would you rather swim in the ocean or a lake?
swim... in a lake I guess. I'm used to it. plus I feel less likely to get a sunburn.

25)Do you wear a lot of black?
no more than anyone else I suppose.

26) Describe your hair?
dark brown. shorter than it was. I have a cowlick in front that starts a sort of wave in front. I like that. it's slightly wavy, especially in humidity.

27) Do you have Entomophobia?
I don't like bugs but it doesn't interfere with my life. so no.

28) Are you an adult?
I'm 21. By many definitions, yes.

30) Do you have a tan?
I'm pale ... as always.

32) Do you enjoy spending time with your mother?
She always has work to do. So i don't really know.

33) Are you a sugar freak?
no...

34) Do you like orange juice?
I didn't used to. I'm okay with it I guess.

35) What sign are you?Aries

36) Where do you wish you were right now?
Nowhere in particular.

37) Who did you copy this from?
A random person

38) How do you know them?
I don't at all.

39) Have you kissed anyone in the past week?
nope

40) What are your plans for the weekend?
I did a choir retreat. More choir tomorrow and brewing more beer maybe.

1.What is the last alcoholic beverage you drank?
Long Island Iced Tea and a taste of a white russian.

2. Do you follow college football?
not at all

3. Who took this survey before you?
I dunno, I saw it and stole it.

4. Who was the last person to send you a text message?
My brother. We're gonna go bowling I think.

5. Last time you went swimming in a pool?
Geesh... not sure. It's been a while. There was a small pool at a hotel in August I think. Wasn't big enough to really swim much though.

6. Are you happy?
enough I suppose.

7. Where was the last place you went shopping?
Borders. I got Rachmaninov Vespers, Enigma Variations, Mansfield Park, and an anthology of plays. Money well spent.

8. How do you feel about your hair?
Shorter than it's been in a long time. It's different.

9. Where do you work?
I'm a student at Illinois Wesleyan. senior.

10. Last thing you ate?
a starburst sour... orange I believe.

11. Do you wish you were someplace else right now?
back at school. I'm ready for break to be over.

12. Last time you smoked a cigarette?
My brother made me try one a couple weeks ago. It made me cough.

13. Do you have any expensive jewelry?
No.

14. AIM or MSN?
AIM

15. What classes are you taking now?
none currently, but in a week, advanced choral conducting, optical physics, free composition, collegiate choir, post ww 2 modern music, voice lessons, fencing, and something elsoe I can't remember.

16. How many hours on average do you work a week:
dinna

17. Who do you like right now?
eh I always have some level of attraction to plenty of girls.

18. Favorite NFL team?
bears i suppose.

19. Do you watch the Olympics?
rarely.

20. Last restaurant you went to?
TGIFridays for my mother's birthday.

21. Who was the last person to call you?
My brother.

22. Whats your sign?
Aries

23. Do you have a favorite number?
I like prime numbers and multiples. Which is funny because that includes all real integers.

24. Last time you did volunteer work or made any donation?
I'm low on empathy kthxbye.

25. What do you spend the majority of your money on?
Food, I think

26. Where does most of your family live?
Illinois

27. Are you an only child or do you have siblings?
younger brother

29. Ever been called a bitch?
of course

30. Got any guilty pleasures?
is masturbating a guilty pleasure? I don't think so, but whatever.

31. Do you drink beer?
Only good beers. Mostly stouts and porters.

32. Have you ever experienced true love?
probably not, but it's just a label and blah blah blah semantics.

33. Did you ever collect Beanie Babies?
No.

34. Ever bought anything online?
trumpets, books, music.

35. MySpace or Facebook?
facebook

36. Do you have T-Mobile?
why would I?

37. What was your favorite subject?
I enjoyed most subjects. I was bad at handwriting and gym.

38. Do you sometimes wish you were someone else?
Never.

39. Do you usually fall for the "bad boys or slutty girls"?
beats me.

40. Were you an outcast in high school?
Sorta. I hung out in the intelligent cool group, but I was reaching a little.

41. Last time you saw your parents?
5 minutes ago.

42. Do you have any talents?
I can sing play trumpet, piano, juggle, and I take tests well. and I read a lot.

43. Ever been in a wedding?
As part of a choir, yes.

44. Do you have any children?
Not yet.

45. Last movie you watched?
"Little Miss SUnshine"

46. Are you missing anyone at the moment?
nah.

47. Did you take a nap today?
naps are few and far between.

48. What was your high school's mascot
A viking or titan or eagle. depending on which school you pick.

49. Are you in school?
iwu

50. Favorite vacation spot?
with friends. europe perhaps

52. Do you have any wealthy friends?
I suppose. Their parents are well off at least.

53. Ever met anyone famous before?
Sang backup for Kenny Rogers.

54. Favorite actor?
don't care

55. Favorite actress?
as in most attractive? Keir Knightley or Natalie Portman. I lean towards Portman.

56. Are you multi-tasking right now?
no. I Guess I'll turn on some music though. THanks for the idea!

57. Could you handle being in the military?
why not.

58. Are you hungry or thirsty?
nope

59. Favorite fast food restaurant?
I like reading the paper and eating a mcdonald's breakfast, but I dunno. Beefaroo. (It's a rockford thing).

61. What is your average cell phone bill?
I don't pay it.

62. Do you own a camera phone?
Yeah, but I rarely use the camera.

63. Ever had to take a sobriety test?
nuh uh.

64. Do you believe in Karma?
no, do you believe in Santa?

65. Can you speak any other languages?
Some spanish a smattering of italian and I have a good ear for a lot of languages because I've sang in many languages.

66. Last time you went to the gym or worked out?
couple weeks.

67. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
5 maybe?

68. Do you have a photo hosting site that you use?
no

69. Last place you were at?
In the car.

70. What is your college mascot?
Titan

71. Ever been to Las Vegas?
not yet.

73. Have you ever bought condoms?
nope

75. What do you think is your best feature?
hair? I don't care.

76. Have you ever been gambling?
poker tournees, couple money games, scratch off lottery ticket.

77. How old are your parents?
both 59

78. When is the last time you updated your blog?
This is the closest thing I have to a blog currently.

79. Do you have your wisdom teeth?
lost em last summer.

80. Favorite place to be?
what? bath tub.

81. Have you been to New York City
In march I will.

82. Favorite sit down restaurant?
Italian.

83. Ever been to Disney?
plenty of times.

84. Do you have a favorite cartoon character?
no

85. Last thing you cooked?
frozen pizza.

86. How is the weather today?
coolish.

87. Do you email?
who doesn't

88. Last letter/piece of mail you received besides junk or a bill?
a check for singing.

89. Favorite store?
nope

90. Are you dating someone right now?
No

91. Last voicemail you received?
beats me

92. Do you drunk dial?
nope. too much restraint. I guess I haven't been drunk enough.

93. Stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone?
I may have washed it once.

94. What is the best city in the state that you have lived in?
Chicago or a suburb.

95. Favorite band?
I don't lsten to too many bands.

96. Last time you were sick?
a little bit beginning of december.

97. Are you bored right now?
not really.

98. Last concert you went to?
The cristmas choral concert or maybe some orchestra concert.

100. What are your plans for tomorrow?
drive back to bloomington.

I've seen a couple movies today. The Prestige doesn't really merit a post on its own and is merely mentioned as the movie that preceded the constant gardener in viewing. The Prestige was clunky and obvious. We waited for the characters to find out what we knew. THe end gimmick was morbidly evocative, but failed lasting effect; it left with a shuddder and a shake of the head. As for Constant Gardener... well if a movie is to be measured by the emotions it creates in its viewers, then it is a great movie. I am very rarely touched like I was earlier tonight. I wish I could cry having seen it, but crying is something, though cathartic, is rarely accesible to me. Like great books, it left me with a wistful nostalgia (algia---does this word have its root in pain? I must look that up). Like several focus films I've seen, it touched me. And there is value in that, whether or not this be a cinematic masterpiece. It may have been deftly, deliberately plucking at my heart strings, but I don't care. THere are few that can.

In interest of completing a post of over 1000 words, I'm going to start rambling about my life. First, a question. Why is it that even though I feel much better when I accomplish something every day, I hardly ever do? I mean, I am a college student, so I complete assignments and all, but rarely earlier than the day of.
You know I find that line of thought boring, so I'll abandon it for something more interesting.
Ok, how about this. Why is it that my GRE verbal score is in the 97th percentile and my writing score is in the 52nd? Okay that's pretentious, but I'll leave it in because really I like people to know I'm intelligent.
Sigh... the things worth talking about are boring and bitchy, and the things that are easy to talk about are even worse. I could be droll and funny, but that's forced.
Oh I know. I'll write about a concept my housemates and I came up with last night. Jizz cats. Males waste a lot of semen as part of the natural processes of being male. Why not showcase your wirility and manliness by showing that a cat can live solely off your jizz? This would be further reinforced by having a vital, spry jizz cat with a lustrous coat. Not only does it survive, but it thrives! Ok, this is probably a thousand charactersish.

Nothing like heading back home to reset your personality and reaffirm all your perceptions of old friends and family. ie a boring uneventful thanksgiving where you watch on as people eat turkey and you eat your usual thanksgiving frozen pizza. It was a jack's pizza by the way. I watched V for Vendetta and was dissapointed by the way it hammered you with it's ideas. Me likey subtlety. Me no likey messages handed on a silver platter.

I think I finally figured out why blogging has always felt so unsatisfying to me. I never felt that what I wrote was particularly new or fresh. It felt... unoriginal. I think the reason I felt that was because all I presented in my previous blog was unvarnished introspection. I didn't dress it up in the form of a story or try to make it unique. I just presented it clearly and straightforward. If I wanted it to be originalish I should have dressed it up and let the reader feel like they were inferring things and understanding my character through their insights, not through my simply putting it on paper straight. So I don't know if this will change the way I blog, but it helps me understand myself better and the ways I perceive the world. And thats all I ever blog about anyways... understanding myself.

As an aside, the only way I ever understand other people is through understanding myself. I try to make myself into that person to understand. Most of the time I'm fairly compassionate, but when I can't understand a person I always feel so alienated and I tend to not be as kind or understanding to that person. Because if I can't understand how you're thinking why should I respect it? If aI can't see the causes and logic behind your throught processes, how can I begin to empathize. That's probably something I should work on. Accepting people at face value and not having to understand them before I can appreciate them.

I think people who hate racists or declare themselves intolerant of intolerance are hilarious.

Save the animals!

• Yes
• No

I know there seems to be a theme here, but this question is also stupid. At what cost? Is it free? are there no negative repercussions from saving the animals? If it's just one or the other with nothing attached to either one, then sure why not?