ESCAPED from recent captivity in Ohio by way of Nordland. A reserved and occasionally abrasive Polish-American. Identifiable by seemingly extraterrestrial green eyes and a wardrobe stolen from Megadeth's tour bus in the mid-1980s. He may also be heard making jokes in obscenely poor taste. Slow to anger, but slow to forgive. A four-year stretch in solitary as a neurological test subject at Yale known to have done nothing to improve his demeanor, to say nothing of the subsequent three-year vivisection at Stanford. Armed with dangerously socialist ideas about sharing, an arsenal of V-shaped guitars/basses, and a wildly streaky jumpshot.
WARNING as he is considered not only armed and dangerous, but also unfit for human consumption, or genteel conversation. While he does not partake of alcohol or drugs (para nada), he is particularly menacing under the influence of iced tea.
REWARD for his capture or information leading thereto can be collected from the Hague (novelty photo with Serb or Croat war criminal of your choosing), Planned Parenthood (reproductive health services on a sliding scale), and Hermann Göring (various unique collectibles). He may try to convince you that the pleasure of his company is worth far more than these paltry trinkets, but who wouldn't want an objet d'art from der Reichsmarschall?
REPORT any sightings of this villein to Number 2, the Green Dome.