Update: So I no longer work at okcupid. No hard feelings, was just time to go. So, since it's impossible to change usernames, and since I, like everyone who's ever asked to change a username, have no desire to re-answer 600+ questions, my username is now, and will always be, a lie.

Update: I was wrong. My username is now entirely accurate.

Yes, I can still regale you with the weird tales of human nature to which OkCupid employees are privy, but they will fall increasingly out of date after March 19th, 2010.

Update: In a weird irony, after years of using my writing to promote my hot body, I now, via this account, use my hot body to promote my writing. Go figure.

Catch the latest.
Smackdown: Baby vs. Kitten

Do you like stories about people who do stupid things, go crazy, steal cars, and end up in a mental institution? Help get another one on the shelves!
And Then I Thought I Was a Fish

Trying to learn violin again. Basically because I ran out of interesting TV shows.

Lotsa stuff. Especially bass. If bass was a competition, I would totally kick your ass.

I look like David Bowie, circa 1973.

I once went on a date with this girl. I was unemployed, broke, killing time, freshly dropped in brooklyn with neither hope nor prayer, and this unimpressed and surprisingly short girl invites me to see a band after I send her an email on myspace, despite her strict warning not to message her on myspace. Anyway, without expectations, I head down and it turns out we're an hour early for the music. So it's a summer evening, and we go to drink whiskey and smoke cigarettes and chat each other up for a while.

Four hours later we've missed the band and haven't left the bar. I can say, without a doubt, this was the best date I'd ever had, and this girl was basically girl-me. Sadly, despite my affable cool during the date, I immediately blew it, probably because I'd just gotten out of a two year relationship and was, as mentioned above, unemployed, and had nothing much to do besides pine after a random stranger. So she smelled the puppy-esque desperation and headed south for the winter.

But on that date, she played me Strange Religion by Mark Lanegan. Even now, after all the associations with that first and only date faded away, this song takes me a little bit out of the day, and puts me in a sentimental fantasy of delicate romance in a vicious world.

I also like AC/DC.

"Testing something again"

This was an edit by someone. There was no way I was letting the actual edits go public, but I thought I'd do them the honor of actually changing the content.

Drinking. This doesn't really set Friday apart from other nights.

There's a secret IRC chatroom mostly for embittered ex-okcupid employees for which I'm indirectly responsible.

I would say don't message me if you have a complaint about the site, but you will. I know you will. So go for it. Also message me if you meet all of the following requirements:

You...

+ are perfectly self-confident
+ are effortlessly humble
+ are different from other people in this particular respect: you don't go around pointing out how different and unique you are every 20 minutes.
+ work out
+ have a PhD
+ play violin
+ and trumpet
+ model for victoria's secret
+ are at least 5 years older than I am
+ look at least 5 years younger
+ have cooked at a five star restaurant
+ have mastered kung-fu
+ are willing to watch kung-fu
+ fight crime on weekdays
+ in tight leather outfits (like Catwoman tight)
+ are rich
+ want me to lie around your house or apartment all day in a towel