I am a dynamic figure, I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. And I have never lost a game of paper, rock, scissors.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike kazoo playing, I learned to ride a bike at the age of 6--an activity I remain active in and enjoy to this day! I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, a ruthless bookie, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy freestyle talking and on Wednesdays and the first and third Saturday of each month, I repair VCRs free of charge.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of flannel evening wear. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured the midwest with a traveling flea-circus. My floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children and animals trust me.
I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location and price of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a microwave and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, I have played Hamlet as a puppeteer, I have performed open-heart surgery on a raccoon, and I have spoken with Elvis. He says hi.