I'm almost completely scatter-brained in spite of my own efforts, so all of this is gonna be done as it comes to my mind. Don't bother looking for a method to the madness. There is none. Just pure, unbridled silliness and insanity, and extreme long-winded rants all about myself. As such, this long bastard will be changing constantly to fit in more crap about me that I think is relevant, and even if it isn't, I'll still put it in here. You might say I like to talk about myself, which I think I kinda do. Then again, I'm not interested in fucking around the bush (take that to mean whatever you like, chances are, you're correct), and I don't want to waste too much of anyone's time. If you like what you read, you'll probably read more. That's my theory, anyway, and it's probably Stephen King's as well. So hang onto something! I don't know how big this thing'll get!

I love movies (I'm not as good as I used to be at recalling facts, but I still know more than the average person, so people still call me "the Human IMDb") and I'm open to seeing anything at least once (even the films of Michael Bay! *shudder*) but I've been told I'm a bit of a Film Buff Snob at times. I love reading, writing (mostly bad poetry, and stories that have no endings or believable shenanigans). I'm a Jackass with occasional wit and much sarcasm. I like going to comic book conventions and getting different artists to do sketches in one of my sketchbooks. I'm a gigantic, ginormous, hugantic nerd and bookworm. Always have been and always will be. I'm fiercely loyal to my family and friends.

I'm a self-described Apathetic Agnostic and "follow" the Pastafarian way of life. I openly mock organized religion both because I think religion is silly and hilarious and because if I didn't laugh at it, I'd probably cry. That being said, I DO believe and know that every religion has it's good points, and that there are some very beautiful things about religions. It's the dogma I usually have problems with... oh and a lot of the people, too, like the zealots n such. I'm a horrible, horrible liar. If I lie, it's almost always followed by me saying "That's total bullshit." All the other times, it's obvious I'm lying, so I've come to the conclusion that I really shouldn't bother lying. It's pointless, in the end. Best to just let my freak flag fly, as they say. I'm a rather voracious carnivore with moments of omnivore-ishness. I love sandwiches and Legos and poking dead things with a stick.

I love to laugh and love to make people laugh even more. I can't dance to save my life, and I don't care to learn. Dancing holds no excitement for me. I have ADD and an anxiety disorder, and both make a potent mix for some interesting times.

I'm always wrong, even when I'm right. I'm 20 pounds or so overweight. I'm not very active, but I'm not really lazy either. I just think about Batman an awful lot. I'm not into sports much. I like watching hockey and the occasional baseball game, but beyond that I'll only regularly watch sports when either of the Olympics are on. I should probably take the time to mention that I'm divorced, and I'm living with my parents at the moment because debt is a bitch, and I accumulated far too much for my salary. I don't plan on suckling the parental teat forever, though. I'm almost out of the hole I dug myself into. Almost. I know that's something that's not a great selling point, but it is what it is. Besides, I'm a decent guy (and I'm honestly not the only person who thinks so).

I'm a self-diagnosed chronic depressive and OCD. I am a hopeful pessimist. I'm sweaty. I like to blame the meds I take on a daily basis (none are anti-psychotics!) for causing my sweatiness. I like to sell myself short, like Bridget at the Bunny Ranch. If you got the lyric reference, you deserve a cookie. I like the colors red, black, and purple (because all cool people like me n Mr. Samuel L. Jackson, love purple!) I'm a homebody, so parties scare me, as do large crowds in general. I hate rollercoasters, but promise me something in return and I'll see what I can do. I have the body of a man, and the emotions of a woman... a very hysterical woman (meaning, my parents raised me to be a bit of a wussy). I am an introvert, but I have my moments of extroverticity (my own word!), I just have to feel comfortable with ya. I curse like a sailor (not that I know any sailors, living where I live and all.... I just imagine I curse like they would.) I'm a god-damn liberal living in Republican Central (or so it seems). I get distracted easily. Especially by squirrels and women-folk and shiny objects. I've probably repeated myself a few times within this section, but that's gonna happen when you're me. I do apologize for any and all repetitions. I'm not perfect. Hell, my family often claims that I am not even of this world. I say, "you mean like Jesus?" and they say, "no, like alien from another planet "and I say, "oh.... okay."

Holy son of a mother, this thing was much much much longer than I meant for it to be. Have I revealed too much? Have I pulled the curtain of the Great and Mighty Oz too wide? Maybe. Maybe not. In either case, this is all the absolute truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me Crimson King (aka Stephen King aka my own imaginary God.)

I am (mostly) decent, hilarious, and odd as I wanna be

I'm a Certified Pharmacy Tech, but I'm not employed as such. I DO have a full-time job in a pharmacy, though. I'm a Pharmacy Shipping Associate. Sounds far more.....something... than it really is. But it's getting me financially solvent finally, and that's all I care about right now. I'm not an ambitious guy, and I've come into contact with a lot of people who find this distressing. I don't. I'm content doing whatever as long as I am able to do what I want. Someday, a salami from the sky might hit me over the head and I'll finally figure out what I'm destined to do, but until then, I'll do whatever. Until that time, I'm just enjoying reading as many books (novels, comics, and other things) and seeing as many movies and playing as many video games as I can get my hands on.

I'm fantastic at saying strange things that really don't make any sense, sometimes not even to me. Sometimes, though, there is a method to my thought process....sort of. I try my best not to take anything seriously. Life is absurd, or so I like to believe. Of this, I am relatively certain... I think. I'm a damn good writer, even though I've not really written anything of much consequence, especially in the last few years. I'm an expert at saying the first thing that comes to my mind regardless of how silly it sounds or how inappropriate it may be, especially if I'm certain it'll get a laugh from someone, myself included. I'm not the most observant person in the world, but I have a habit of noticing the small things most people overlook, or seeing things in a completely out-there way. I'm also pretty good at making up my own swear words. I probably curse more than I should, but I don't really care. I'm phenomenal at self-deprecation. Some see that as having poor self-esteem, but that's not really accurate. I'm not the most confident person, but I am aware of many of my good qualities and bad qualities, and I choose to make fun of my bad qualities. Is that so wrong?

It used to be whatever shirt I happened to be wearing. I like shirts that have witty/clever/obscene sayings and pictures on them. Nowadays, it's my magnificent (at least, that's what I tell myself) beard. It's no longer quite as impressive as my profile pic on here would suggest, but it's prominent enough that one of my co-workers refers to me simply as "Whiskers".

No list is by any means exhaustive (because then you really WOULD go blind, and so would I) and I'm just writing them out as they come to me....

Books: Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card, To Bury The Dead by Craig Spector, all books by Christopher Moore and Robert Crais and Barry Eisler and Bentley Little and Richard Laymon and Brian Keene and Albert Camus, some Joyce Carol Oates and Jack Ketchum and John Grisham and John Connolly and A. Lee Martinez.

Movies: Audition, Serenity, Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog, V for Vendetta, Ratatouille, Sling Blade, Knocked Up, Star Trek: First Contact, Blades of Glory, Hellboy, The 40 Year-old Virgin, Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai, Kolobos, Boondock Saints, The Matador, Casino Royale, Slither, Jurassic Park, ET, Jaws, Das Experiment, El Mariachi, Desperado, All 3 SpyKids, Once Upon A Time in Mexico, Seven Samurai, It's a Wonderful Life, Psycho, The Birds, Ichii The Killer, Doomsday, The Descent, Dog Soldiers, Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle, Dawn of the Dead (1978 and 2004), Both Ace Venturas, High Tension, Gremlins, Legally Blonde, Win a Date with Tad Hamilton, Old School, Oldboy, Ringu, Ju-on, The Ring and The Ring 2, All Dario Argento, Zombie, all Star Wars, Bloody Mallory, all Quentin Tarantino, all Harry Potter, Jeepers Creepers, Grindhouse, Inglorious Basterds, all Spider-Man, Lost in Translation, Sweet Home Alabama, 12 Angry Men (1954 and 1997), Alien, Aliens, Alien3, Alien: Resurrection, Speed, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, Batman Forever, Falling Down, Freaks, 300, every movie ever made by the Sci-Fi Channel because those movies are ridiculous and stupid and a hell of a lot of fun.

Music: Mastodon, Kings of Leon, Audioslave, the Black Crowes, U2, Stone Temple Pilots, Guns n Roses, Louis Armstrong, Snow Patrol, Beastie Boys, Voltaire, Killswitch Engage, Temple of the Dog, Pearl Jam, Baroness, Chris Cornell,The Agonist, Mouth of the Architect, Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jewboys, Johnny Cash, Default, Pink, Metallica, Sting, Lamb of God, Kelly Clarkson, Alison Krauss and the Union Station, Godsmack, Alice in Chains, Nirvana, James Taylor, Led Zepplin, Richard Cheese, Kittie, Neurosis.

TV: I usually only watch shows when they're on DVD or Netflix. But I'm a hardcore Joss Whedon fan. I love every show he's done so far ,especially Firefly, but I'm also a big Buffy The Vampire Slayer fan. I haven't watched Dollhouse yet, but I'm sure it's a winner, too! I also enjoy Curb Your Enthusiasm, Big Love, The Sopranos, Titus, The IT Crowd, MST3K, Ray Bradbury Theater, NewsHour with Jim Lehrer, Outer Limits, The Twilight Zone, Monty Python's Flying Circus, QI, Fraiser, and Seinfeld.

Favorite food: Sandwiches. Doesn't really matter the kind. Okay, so not really. It does matter some, but I'm willing to give any sandwich a try. Also like Mexican food (Southwest-style, not so much with the Tex-Mex, but I'll gladly eat it anyway.) Also, edible food is a plus. Inedible food really defeats the purpose, don't you think? Unless it's sushi or seafood.... I'm not sure why, but that stuff usually either makes me gag or wish I had a bottle of Scotch. Though, I suppose, if you drowned it in some sort of delicious sauce, I'd eat it. I love sauces. Drown something in a sauce (except for small children, of course) and I'm liable to eat it.

And for the poetry geeks and nerds out there, my favorite poem is: "Desiderata" by Max Ehrmann.

1) Laughter (Either my own or someone else's)

2) Books (My second true love)

3) Movies (My first true love)

4) Goblin (my beloved pussy-- or cat, for all you people who can't take a friggin' joke! I wish only sunshine and Skittles upon thee!)

5) The Horror genre in general (I love being scared)

6) My family (Cliched, yet no less true)

Multiple things that have no logical relation to each other, movies I've seen and why I haven't seen this movie or that movie, books I'm reading and have read, where I'm going and where I've been, music that randomly pops into my head, why Albert Einstein and Bruce Willis are such badasses, how best to rid the world of clowns (except Bozo. Bozo can live), boobs and sex (yeah, yeah, yeah...), midgets, how awesome it would be to cover my sister's house with tongue depressors and jello, movies, books (this really deserves a second mention), music, how to make people laugh, why hot dogs come in an eight-pack and hot dog buns come in a twelve-pack.

Reading a book or watching a movie, or going out to bookstores with my buds and getting into a number of rather dull shenanigans. It's also quite possible that I'm putzing around the internet. Honestly, I don't like to go out much. I'm more content to stay at home or go over to a friend's house. My mind takes me to places all the time, so I really don't need to go anywhere anyway.

I was a virgin til I was 22, I've only had sex with 3 women in my entire life, and it's all because I had a profound experience when a friend told me about the time she was raped. Now if that isn't the most romantic story ever! Did I just bring up rape? Yes, yes I did. I'm so Brando...

Also, there's really nothing 'private' about me. Ask and ye shall receive. I don't necessarily over-share unless someone asks a question about it. Ask me a question, and I'll give you the honest answer. Don't expect subterfuge, 'cause it ain't happening. So don't ask questions you don't want a real answer to.

you can look past my flaws or like what you read because of my flaws. I know I'm anything but Prince Charming. I'm more like Prince Decent Guy, or something like that. My good qualities and my bad qualities are what they are.

If you love all things horror or just happen to like it or think it's not something only seriously disturbed individuals like, love being silly, and know who Tom Savani is without having to google it.... Okay, that last one isn't so important. It's a running, hopping, and skipping joke I told my friend when he asked me about how I'll know when I've found the perfect woman for me and I responded "If she knows who Tom Savini is."

If you would like to have someone in your life (friend or otherwise) who will make you feel like maybe you're not the craziest person in the world, but at least you know who is! Also, feel free to message me if you are bored and need amusing diversion.

Also, if you have a never-ending bag of Skittles.

Also, if you can name the movie, music, and TV references I've laced my profile with.

*NOTE* If what you've read here and what you've seen here interests you, please don't use the "wink" feature on here. I'm not one to judge people by there lack of effort often, but the "wink" feature says to me "Hey, I like what I saw but I can't think of anything to say to you and I'm incapable of saying "Hi" instead." Okay, that reads a bit more harsh than I want it to, but meh. I suppose I could say it like this: When you use the "wink" feature, I'm not entirely sure what exactly caught your attention about myself. Sure, I could look at your profile and take a stab in the dark (have I mentioned I'm not the safest person to handle a knife?) as to what it was. But I'd rather not have to do that. It seems to me, if you're interested and you think you might like to know more about me through communication, you'd have more to say than that which is said by the "wink" feature.