I'm almost completely scatter-brained in spite of my own efforts, so all of this is gonna be done as it comes to my mind. Don't bother looking for a method to the madness. There is none. Just pure, unbridled silliness and insanity, and extreme long-winded rants all about myself. As such, this long bastard will be changing constantly to fit in more crap about me that I think is relevant, and even if it isn't, I'll still put it in here. You might say I like to talk about myself, which I think I kinda do. Then again, I'm not interested in fucking around the bush (take that to mean whatever you like, chances are, you're correct), and I don't want to waste too much of anyone's time. If you like what you read, you'll probably read more. That's my theory, anyway, and it's probably Stephen King's as well. So hang onto something! I don't know how big this thing'll get!

I love movies (I'm not as good as I used to be at recalling facts, but I still know more than the average person, so people still call me "the Human IMDb") and I'm open to seeing anything at least once (even the films of Michael Bay! *shudder*) but I've been told I'm a bit of a Film Buff Snob at times. I love reading, writing (mostly bad poetry, and stories that have no endings or believable shenanigans). I'm a Jackass with occasional wit and much sarcasm. I like going to comic book conventions and getting different artists to do sketches in one of my sketchbooks. I'm a gigantic, ginormous, hugantic nerd and bookworm. Always have been and always will be. I'm fiercely loyal to my family and friends.

I'm a self-described Apathetic Agnostic and "follow" the Pastafarian way of life. I openly mock organized religion both because I think religion is silly and hilarious and because if I didn't laugh at it, I'd probably cry. That being said, I DO believe and know that every religion has it's good points, and that there are some very beautiful things about religions. It's the dogma I usually have problems with... oh and a lot of the people, too, like the zealots n such. I'm a horrible, horrible liar. If I lie, it's almost always followed by me saying "That's total bullshit." All the other times, it's obvious I'm lying, so I've come to the conclusion that I really shouldn't bother lying. It's pointless, in the end. Best to just let my freak flag fly, as they say. I'm a rather voracious carnivore with moments of omnivore-ishness. I love sandwiches and Legos and poking dead things with a stick.

Family, friends, and co-workers say I look like a badass since I grew my hair out and now look like a typical metalhead douchebag. That's hilarious to me since I'm a total wuss and I usually can't stomach the metalheads I've come into contact with. They all want to get drunk and beat the crap out of each other in mosh pits. I just want to enjoy the passion that some metal bands have for their music. I love to laugh and love to make people laugh even more. I can't dance to save my life, and I don't care to learn. Dancing holds no excitement for me. I have ADD and an anxiety disorder.

I'm always wrong, even when I'm right. I'm 20 pounds or so overweight. I'm not very active, but I'm not really lazy either. I just think about Batman an awful lot. I'm not into sports much. I like watching hockey and the occasional baseball game, but beyond that I'll only regularly watch sports when either of the Olympics are on. I should probably take the time to mention that I'm divorced, and I'm living with my parents at the moment because debt is a bitch, and I accumulated far too much for my salary. I don't plan on suckling the parental teat forever, though. I'm almost out of the hole I dug myself into. Almost. I know that's something that's not a great selling point, but it is what it is. Besides, my sparkling personality is surely something that can override such things....right?

I'm a self-diagnosed chronic depressive and OCD. I am a hopeful pessimist. I'm sweaty. I like to blame the meds I take on a daily basis (none are anti-psychotics!) for causing my sweatiness. I like to sell myself short, like Bridget at the Bunny Ranch. If you got the lyric reference, you deserve a cookie. I like the colors red, black, and purple (because all cool people like me n Mr. Samuel L. Jackson, love purple!) I'm a homebody, so parties scare me, as do large crowds in general. I hate rollercoasters, but promise me something in return and I'll see what I can do. I have the body of a man, and the emotions of a woman... a very hysterical woman (meaning, my parents raised me to be a bit of a wussy). I am an introvert, but I have my moments of extroverticity (my own word!), I just have to feel comfortable with ya. I curse like a sailor (not that I know any sailors, living where I live and all.... I just imagine I curse like they would.) I'm a god-damn liberal living in Republican Central (or so it seems). I get distracted easily. Especially by squirrels and women-folk and shiny objects. I've probably repeated myself a few times within this section, but that's gonna happen when you're me. I do apologize for any and all repetitions. I'm not perfect. Hell, my family often claims that I am not even of this world. I say, "you mean like Jesus?" and they say, "no, like alien from another planet "and I say, "oh.... okay."

Holy son of a mother, this thing was much much much longer than I meant for it to be. Have I revealed too much? Have I pulled the curtain of the Great and Mighty Oz too wide? Maybe. Maybe not. In either case, this is all the absolute truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me Crimson King (aka Stephen King aka my own imaginary God.)

Currently, I'm trying to find a single full-time job, as opposed to a part-time job and temp work, but I'm lucky to have the jobs I do have. I work at UPS part time and do temp work for UTSW Medical Center. I'm not an ambitious guy, and I've come into contact with a lot of people who find this distressing. I don't. I'm content doing whatever as long as I am able to do what I want. I'm searching for a job as an Order Puller/Material Management because that was a temp assignment I had and I really enjoyed it. Until that time, I'm just enjoying reading as many books (novels, comics, and other things) and seeing as many movies and playing as many video games as I can get my hands on. A buddy of mine and I are trying to get a webcomic off the ground. He's doing the art and I'm writing. We've been working on it for over a year, and it's a slow process with us. But we'll get it going eventually....maybe. I've also recently come up with my own webcomic, but since I can't draw very well outside of stick figures, I'm in desperate need of an artist. I'm also tirelessly working on getting people to laugh at themselves and others. That in and of itself is a full-time job, but damn it! Someone has got to make the sad sacks laugh!!!

I'm fantastic at saying strange things that really don't make any sense. I try my best not to take anything seriously. Life is absurd, or so I like to believe. Of this, I am relatively certain... I think. I'm a damn good writer, even though I've not really written anything of much consequence. I'm an expert at saying the first thing that comes to my mind regardless of how silly it sounds, especially if I'm certain it'll get a laugh from someone, myself included. I'm not the most observant person in the world, but I have a habit of noticing the small things most people overlook. I'm also pretty good at making up my own swear words. I probably curse more than I should, but I don't really care. I'm phenomenal at self-deprecation.

That I'm hairy. Like Robin Williams hairy. I really don't like to shave all that often. I usually don't shave until it gets itchy or otherwise irritating... So I'm not usually clean shaven. Some find my eyes intense and deep. I find them to be quite squishy and opposed to being poked, prodded or otherwise molested.

Frankly, if I'm noticed, it's because I'm doing something odd or that I look like a relatively clean hobo who doesn't smell like I just hacked my way out of a dead guy's ass.

No list is by any means exhaustive (because then you really WOULD go blind, and so would I) and I'm just writing them out as they come to me....

Books: Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card, To Bury The Dead by Craig Spector, all books by Christopher Moore and Robert Crais and Barry Eisler and Bentley Little and Richard Laymon and Brian Keene, some Joyce Carol Oates and Jack Ketchum and John Grisham and John Connolly and A. Lee Martinez.

Movies: Audition, Serenity, Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog, V for Vendetta, Ratatouille, Sling Blade, Knocked Up, Star Trek: First Contact, Blades of Glory, Hellboy, The 40 Year-old Virgin, Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai, Kolobos, Boondock Saints, The Matador, Casino Royale, Slither, Jurassic Park, ET, Jaws, Das Experiment, El Mariachi, Desperado, All 3 SpyKids, Once Upon A Time in Mexico, Seven Samurai, It's a Wonderful Life, Psycho, The Birds, Ichii The Killer, Doomsday, The Descent, Dog Soldiers, Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle, Dawn of the Dead (1978 and 2004), Both Ace Venturas, High Tension, Gremlins, Legally Blonde, Win a Date with Tad Hamilton, Old School, Oldboy, Ringu, Ju-on, The Ring and The Ring 2, All Dario Argento, Zombie, all Star Wars, Bloody Mallory, all Quentin Tarantino, all Harry Potter, Jeepers Creepers, Grindhouse, Inglorious Basterds, all Spider-Man, Lost in Translation, Sweet Home Alabama, 12 Angry Men (1954 and 1997), Alien, Aliens, Alien3, Alien: Resurrection, Speed, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, Batman Forever, Falling Down, Freaks, 300, every movie ever made by the Sci-Fi Channel because those movies are ridiculous and stupid and a hell of a lot of fun.

Music: Mastodon, Kings of Leon, Audioslave, the Black Crowes, U2, Stone Temple Pilots, Guns n Roses, Louis Armstrong, Snow Patrol, Beastie Boys, Voltaire, Killswitch Engage, Temple of the Dog, Pearl Jam, Baroness, Chris Cornell,The Agonist, Mouth of the Architect, Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jewboys, Johnny Cash, Default, Pink, Metallica, Sting, Lamb of God, Kelly Clarkson, Alison Krauss and the Union Station, Godsmack, Alice in Chains, Nirvana, James Taylor, Led Zepplin, Richard Cheese, Kittie, Neurosis.

TV: I usually only watch shows when they're on DVD or Netflix. But I'm a hardcore Joss Whedon fan. I love every show he's done so far ,especially Firefly, but I'm also a big Buffy The Vampire Slayer fan. I haven't watched Dollhouse yet, but I'm sure it's a winner, too! I also enjoy Curb Your Enthusiasm, Big Love, The Sopranos, Titus, The IT Crowd, MST3K, Ray Bradbury Theater, NewsHour with Jim Lehrer, Outer Limits, The Twilight Zone, Monty Python's Flying Circus, QI, Fraiser, and Seinfeld.

Favorite food: Sandwiches. Doesn't really matter the kind. Also like Mexican food (Southwest-style, not so much with the Tex-Mex, but I'll gladly eat it anyway.) Also, edible food is a plus. Inedible food really defeats the purpose, don't you think? Unless it's sushi or seafood.... I'm not sure why, but that stuff usually either makes me gag or wish I had a bottle of Scotch. Though, I suppose, if you drowned it in some sort of delicious sauce, I'd eat it. I love sauces. Drown something in a sauce (except for small children, of course) and I'm liable to eat it.

And for the poetry geeks and nerds out there, my favorite poem is: "Desiderata" by Max Ehrmann.

1) Laughter (Either my own or someone else's)

2) Books (My second true love)

3) Movies (My first true love)

4) Goblin (my beloved pussy)

5) The Horror genre in general (I love being scared)

6) My family (Cliched, yet no less true)

Multiple things that have no logical relation to each other, movies I've seen and why I haven't seen this movie or that movie, books I'm reading and have read, where I'm going and where I've been, music that randomly pops into my head, why Albert Einstein and Bruce Willis are such badasses, how best to rid the world of clowns (except Bozo. Bozo can live), boobs and sex (yeah, yeah, yeah...), midgets, whether or not I should send messages to matches I get on OkCupid, women, how hardcore and serious I am about answering the questions and the tests on OKC and thinking at the same time how awesome it would be to cover my sister's house with tongue depressors and jello, movies, books (this really deserves a second mention), music, how to make people laugh, why hot dogs come in an eight-pack and hot dog buns come in a twelve-pack.

Since I work early Saturday morning, I'm gonna change this question thingy to say "On a typical Saturday night I am"... Reading a book or watching a movie, or going out to bookstores with my buds and getting into some rather awesome shenanigans and a number of rather dull shenanigans. It's also quite possible that I'm putzing around the internet. Honestly, I don't like to go out much. I'm more content to stay at home or go over to a friend's house. My mind takes me to places all the time, so I really don't need to go anywhere anyway.

I was a virgin til I was 22, I've only had sex with 3 women in my entire life, and it's all because I had a profound experience when a friend told me about the time she was raped. Now if that isn't the most romantic story ever! Did I just bring up rape? Yes, yes I did. I'm so Brando...

you can look past my flaws or like what you read because of my flaws. I know I'm anything but Prince Charming. I'm more like Prince Decent Guy, or that's what I like to tell myself.

If you love all things horror or just happen to like it or think it's not something only seriously disturbed individuals like, love being silly, and know who Tom Savani is without having to google it.... Okay, that last one isn't so important. It's a running joke I told my friend when he asked me about how I'll know when I've found the perfect woman for me and I responded "If she knows who Tom Savini is." True story. No bullshit.

If you would like to have someone in your life (friend or otherwise) who will make you feel like maybe you're not the craziest person in the world, but at least you know who is! Also, feel free to message me if you are bored and need amusing diversion.