Special Bragging Rights: Several years ago, the first official OkCupid Contest--way back before they gave out iPods, I might add, and not at all bitterly--was The OkCupid "Favorite Profile" Contest, of which I was one of the winning finalists. That makes me literally one of the three best guys in the world you could possibly hope to snag. Now you would think that that alone would be enough to get women lined up at my door, but if you need further convincing, let me present to you:

The Top 20 Reasons Why You Should Date R2-D2:

20. Most guys would only come up with ten reasons. He always gives 200%.
19. He knows the difference between Austria and Australia.
18. If you're one of the first hundred, you'll get a free t-shirt!
17. He's at least as real as Nessie, and almost as awesome.
16. He'll never marry your sister on your birthday.
15. There exist in the world exactly fifty-seven known copies of the T206 Honus Wagner baseball card, the most recent of which has sold at auction for $2.8 million. There is, however, only one R2, which would mathematically make him worth just under $160 million, and would make you the ultimate collectress if you managed to snag yourself one (or, at the very least, you could try to take out a life insurance policy on him for the aforementioned value).
14. He's of Polish ancestry--the joke potential alone ought to make it worth your time.
13. He always washes his hands after using the restroom.
12. He has never gotten involved in a land war in Asia.
11. He actually likes to cuddle--you wouldn't even have to have sex with him! Unless, of course, you wanted to, in which case you and he could probably work something out, if you asked him nicely.
10. He never puts Baby in a corner.
9. Although he doesn't speak very much German, he can at least pretend to sound intelligent (or at least pretentious) by using words like Zeitgeist, Schadenfreude, Weltschmerz,and Gunter glieben glauchen globen.
8. He will never again wish to live in a world without springs.
7. He owns five tuxedos, so last-minute formal affairs are never a problem. You could take him to the opera or Dairy Queen. Or just elope tonight, if you already have your wedding gown.
6. He's more or less perfectly bilaterally symmetrical.
5. He is directly descended from French nobility, and can prove it. He ... was born ... to be a prince of the ... universe!
4. He saved a bunch of money by switching his car insurance to GEICO! He can either spend it on you, or more Doctor Who DVDs, 'sup to you.
3. His resistance level to nagging is virtually nonexistant. He'll do just about anything you ask if it'll shut you up!
2. He isn't good-looking enough to run off with another woman. (He is good-looking enough to run off with another man, but gives you his word that he won't, unless Kevin Spacey asks him to run away together, and what are the odds of that?)
And the Number 1 Reason You Should Date R2-D2:
1. C'mon, what's the worst that can happen? You get free dinner (and maybe a show of some kind) in exchange for enduring his company for two or three short hours? That can't really be that bad, can it?

"I am Jack's wasted life."

I live in Johnstown, so definitely not making anything of it (Billy Joel was about 200 miles off, but otherwise dead-on). I end up spending most of my time standing outside in the rain waiting to be struck by lightning in the hopes that it results in super powers, thereby making it easier to fight crime by night.

Trivial Pursuit, Scrabble, memorizing Masonic ritual; parallel parking; singing off-key, and telling apart twins (oddly enough, I still can't tell Bill Paxton from Bill Pullman).

If you buy one of those furniture kits that says "Assembly Required", or if you have electronic equipment that needs installed, I'm the guy to call. Because if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

I used to do some acting (community theatre, mainly comedic), which people seemed to think I was okay at, or maybe they just liked seeing me in drag. Later on, I was in an improv troupe, which has since disbanded, but also got some laughs.

"But my mom says I'm cool!"

Once, someone told me that I looked like Ed Norton, Jr. But he was just trying to get in my pants. To everyone else, I look like the illegitimate love child of Dustin Diamond and Matisyahu. (If, on the other hand, you're one of the few women whose first thought was "Torgo!" -- and you didn't go running for the hills -- I so need to date you.)

Actor/comedian Bryan Callen once spent the better part of an hour making fun of my beard. Of course you and I both know he was just jealous, right?

But, as LeVar Burton would say, you don't have to take my word for it. Check in the comments to see what other people have said they notice re: me, and then add your own. It's just like a really poorly-thought out pyramid scheme where nobody gets rich!

(a) Books: Douglas Adams's The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy; anything by Scott Adams; America: The Book; Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass; Herge's Tintin; John Hodgman's Knowledge trilogy; Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's The Little Prince; John Stossel's Myths, Lies, and Downright Stupidity: Why Everything You Know Is Wrong; basically anything in the "dystopia" genre (if you can imagine a mix of Anthem with Jennifer Government, you have my political ideology); and Burma-Shave signs.

(b) Movies: Adaptation; Airplane!; Amadeus; American Beauty; Annie Hall; Back to the Future; Bella; Blazing Saddles; Breakfast at Tiffany's; The Breakfast Club; Clerks; Fargo; Fight Club; The Forty Year-Old Virgin; The Godfather; The Godfather II; The Graduate; Gremlins; Groundhog Day; Highlander; The Hudsucker Proxy; Indiana Jones; The Jerk; Little Miss Sunshine; The Magic Flute; The Naked Gun; National Treasure; Ninja Wars; O Brother Where Art Thou?; Office Space; Point Break; The Princess Bride; The Producers; Red vs. Blue; Road House; Sita Sings the Blues; Sixteen Candles; Slap Shot; Spanglish; Stand By Me; Star Wars; This Is Spın̈al Tap; True Stories; The Twelve Chairs; Victory; Waiting for Guffman; Young Frankenstein; and anything by the Jam Handy corporation (A Case of Spring Fever, Hired!, etc.).
(b') Television: Mr. Bean; The Big Bang Theory; Black Books; Community; Cops (my secret shame); Coupling; Doctor Who; Futurama; Glee; Get Smart; Greg the Bunny; The Benny Hill Show; How I Met Your Mother; Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist; The Kids in the Hall; Jeopardy!; Monty Python's Flying Circus; The Muppet Show; Mystery Science Theatre 3000; Newsradio; The Office; Rocky & Bullwinkle; The Simpsons; Mr. Show; The Soup; old-school Star Trek; 30 Rock; and The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien (while it lasts).

(c) Music: David Bowie; Carbon Leaf; Johnny Cash; Catatonia; Elvis Costello; Neil Diamond; Genesis; Donnie Iris & the Cruisers; Tommy James & the Shondells; Jethro Tull; Elton John; Led Zeppelin; Limozeen; The Manic Street Preachers; John Cougar Mellencamp (whom I much prefer to John Cougar and infinitely prefer to John Mellencamp); Men without Hats; Kylie Minogue; Willie Nelson; Persone; Pink Floyd; Queen; Rush; The Rolling Stones; Spın̈al Tap; Bruce Springsteen; Steely Dan; Rod Stewart; The Talking Heads; James Taylor; Tenacious D; They Might Be Giants; Those Darn Accordions; Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie; Tiffany; Rod Torfulson's Armada featuring Herman Menderchuk; U2 (whom I've seen in concert from the front row); Van Halen; The Who; Hank Williams; Wylde Nept; and Warren Zevon. Basically, if I'm in my car, I'll listen to whatever's on the Sirius/XM 80s and "Hair Nation" channels; if I'm at home, to vinyl.

(d) Food: Porcupine Pie; Vanilla Soup, a double scoop please.... No, maybe I won't, maybe I will, maybe I'll have the tutti fruit, with fruity bleu cheese. I do believe I'm gonna try some and leave enough room for dessert, the chicken ripple ice cream.
Seriously, though, let's go with almonds, cheeseburgers from Sheetz and Five Guys, chicken (especially in its fried, parmigiana, and Chick-fil-a sandwiches forms), garlic bread, lamb, Nestle Crunch bars, pierogis, pistachios, steak done Pittsburgh rare, and those fried peanut butter-and-banana sandwiches like Elvis used to eat. Bacon makes everything better, including said peanut butter-and-banana sandwiches and, naturally, more bacon.
My liquid diet consists mainly of Bombay Sapphire, Courvoisier VSOP, Guinness, Old Crow, and Tanqueray; although I'm more addicted to tea than anything else (being as I've lived in Johnstown for 25 years or so, I'm obviously partial to Galliker's iced tea, but I'll never say no to a properly-brewed cup of Darjeeling or Earl Grey).

"I love lamp!

The nickels in my bank account.

"I don't want to be the new chimp. I want to know what the hell's going on."

Really, they're not paying me to think. I'm always on the lookout for a good get-rich-quick scheme, though.

"I guess I like board games more than most people. And by that I mean, I like to play board games more than most people do. But by that I also mean I like board games more than I like most people. Like this one time, me and Hi-Ho-Cherry-o were playing The Game of Life, and I got a phone call from ... somebody, and I-- I didn't answer it because I was having so much fun with-- playing this board game with this other board game."

... going to the bar hoping to watch the Penguins, then getting there and finding out some idiot hired a band that's not really good enough to want to hear when I'm not trying to watch a Pens game, and get disgusted and just come back home. Because with all these hopping places to go in Johnstown, as much as I'd like to say I do something that makes me sound cool and hip and trendy, I'm probably just sitting home alone watching The Soup. Really, there's a very good chance that a major portion of this profile was written on a Friday (and later revised over the course of many subsequent Fridays).

"I forgot to tell you--I'm running blocker for four hundred cases of illegal hooch."

I'm so naïve that I actually believe that I can, though the Internet, meet a sweet, intellectually stimulating, and funny girl who's attractive enough that I can look in her general direction without my eyes burning, with whom I can live happily ever after, on the Internet even. And if that proves impossible, well, I also harbour a huge unrequited latent man-crush on Kevin Spacey (also, John Barrowman). But that'll just be our little secret, m'kay?

I've been excommunicated. The only part that upset me about that? Not getting a certificate suitable for framing so that I could display my achievement on my mantel.

I think I'm all cool and stuff, but I drive a Buick.

Actually, you shouldn't. You're probably not awesome enough.

... but if you can prove me wrong on that count, I'd like to see you try.

If, however, you've read this entire epic, including the culinary subsection of my favourite things above, you should realize that I'm probably going to die of a massive heart attack before I'm thirty, so if you think you measure up to my megawesomellence, you better hurry.

(Caveat lector: To be serious for just a moment, I'm getting too old for this, and will only respond to messages from women interested in actual, requited, long-term relationships. With me. Anything else is wasting both of our time and leads only to heartbreak.)

And, please, for the love of all things Good and Holy, nothing sends me running for the delete button quicker than having nothing to talk about except Scrabble, and then not bothering to run your spell-checker before you click "send". Seriously, it's like the intellectual equivalent of Murderball, only without the overcoming-the-odds-to-make-a-smashing-good-film part (actually, I take that back--Murderball was actually a smart idea, both as a sport and as a film). Good English (or even American) totally turns me on. Properly-placed commas and apostrophes affect me like six-inch heels do lesser men.

Also, if you don't own any cats. Not because I'm trying to disqualify the only woman still reading at this point, but because I'm severely allergic to them, and in the long run, I'd prefer to meet someone with whom I can go to sleep in the same house -- and then wake up later. Seriously, is that really too much to ask out of a relationship?