One of the problems inherent in creating a self-summary on the Internet is that so many of the natural ways to start a conversation with someone are unavailable. For instance, if I ran into you in real life, I'd probably talk about one of the two things we talk about back in Iowa - the weather and the roads. Something along the lines of "Boy, I hope it rains soon," or "How was the traffic on Route 55 today?" Then we'd move on to discuss the local sports team, or perhaps the mischief that those kids in "Family Circus" are always getting up to.

So, moving on. As the previous paragraph indicated, I'm from Iowa. Somebody once said I was old for my age; another person once said I was wise behind my ears. I'm not entirely sure what either of those people meant, but I have accepted that many things in life can't be understood, like why there are 24-hour news networks when there apparently isn't enough news to fill 24 hours of programming, or why somebody would pay to watch "Disaster Movie." (Don't get me wrong - I love bad movies, but only if they're bad drama, bad sci-fi, bad horror - you know, something you can laugh at. Bad comedies are intolerable, because you can't laugh. You have to sit tight and scowl out of spite for the screenwriters.)

What else is interesting about me? Well, I wish Art Deco would make a comeback, I once ate a balanced breakfast of cereal, juice, toast and milk just to prove it could be done, I can tell you all about how people try to file magic scrolls in courtrooms, and I was interviewed on a radio show in Tasmania. No, really.

I think that about 4% of life is really, really good, and it's easy to find friends who will share those times with you. About 4% of life is really, really bad, and it's a bit tougher to find friends who will stick with you then. The other 92% is just kinda boring, and it's toughest to find a friend who will make those times better. I think I'm one of those elite friends. On the other hand, I also think that a lot of the time, people don't really know what they're talking about, so feel free to disregard that statement.

I got my undergraduate degree in history, and discovered, to my sorrow, that there were no history companies hiring. After bouncing around for a little while, I decided I'd be a lawyer, because at least it wouldn't be boring.

I'm now a divorce lawyer. As you might imagine, there's a certain amount of stress in my life.

Pointless information, Super Mario Kart (the original), reading, being polite, proofreading, people-watching, talking back to TV shows. I'm only pretty good at Guitar Hero / Rock Band. Also, I pepper my words and phrases with jokes. Occasionally they are funny.

I'm also a roller derby referee/impresario. Not very good at the skating part yet, but at least I know the rules.

Basically I am the kind of person that you would want to have around if you had a long layover at the airport.

That my sense of humor is so dry that they frequently can't tell if they should take me seriously or not. (Hint: I should rarely be taken seriously)

Also, do you remember that Far Side cartoon with the cats fighting in the street, and inside a house, there's another cat with a violin, and violin cat is looking out the window at the other cats looking all sad? I feel like that violin cat all the time.

a. I love weird ephemera: I've got a book of magazine ads from the 1870s to the 1920s that I think is fascinating. Also, "Our Dumb Century," but all right-thinking people love "Our Dumb Century" so it's probably not necessary to list here.
b. "Flash Gordon," "Army of Darkness," "Amadeus," "This Is Spinal Tap," "Monty Python" oeuvre
c. Here are some of my Pandora stations: I have an "epic metal" station that I got by combining Therion and Apocalyptica, a "rockabilly" station that combines Reverend Horton Heat and The Stray Cats, a "totally metal" station that combines Iron Maiden and Spinal Tap, and a "swingin' bachelor pad" station I got by telling Pandora I liked "Peter Gunn."
d. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups may be God's most perfect creations. Except maybe for a home-grilled bacon cheeseburger, or ice cream.
e. TV shows - "Arrested Development," "House," "Mythbusters," "The Office" (US and UK editions), "Look Around You," "MST3K," "The Kids in the Hall." I don't know anything about cooking, and yet I enjoy the UK edition of "Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares." If I had my own TV show, it would closely resemble "Louis Theroux's Weird Weekends."
f. Sports teams - Iowa Hawkeyes, New Orleans Saints, Minnesota Twins (because the Montreal Expos have gone to see "la grande Expo dans la ciel"), Manchester City FC.

Reliable electricity
Reliable plumbing
Fiat money
A computer (I am a nerd, but not necessarily a geek. Ex. I know what WoW is, but don't play it; I know who some of the characters in Harry Potter are, but am not particularly interested in reading it for reasons I can explain at length if necessary; I could be that guy with the shirt that says "Pwnd" but I've decided not to be that guy.)
A mattress (although I lived without one for a while, and it wasn't pleasant)
A microwave (it's the source of much of my bachelor cuisine. Here's a bachelor cuisine tip: try chili over rice, like a curry. Or PB&J on a croissant.) (The latter does not require a microwave.)

Why they don't make Lego sets like they used to, whether Lifetime Original Movies are the spiritual successors to Victorian women's literature, how they would edit me to look like a jerk if I was on a reality TV show, how getting a law degree has pretty much made me an official grown-up, whether Neil Young sings like that on purpose, whether being a one-hit wonder is actually a better ticket into history than being a two-hit wonder, where all the radio morning show guys come from (and how to send them back there), whether Jessica Alba has ever appeared in a good movie, and how all these things would be more interesting if I was talking to somebody about them.

Imagining all the things I will buy when I have money someday, like a blender and a diploma frame and one of those neon wall clocks.

I don't like going to bars. It feels like the Fun KGB are going to come out and beat you with a rubber hose unless you start smiling Right Now! I prefer quieter environments where the fun takes a little work to find. (Although I will go out now and then as a personal favor to my friends.)

Message me if you're an artist, a scientist, a philosopher, a singer, an athlete, a nerd, or a tomboy, but not if you identify so strongly with any one of those adjectives that you couldn't see yourself as any of the others. If you scored as a Sonnet or a Maid of Honor we'll probably get along fine, and we'll probably figure out stuff to talk about.

You score extra compatibility points with me if you're red-haired, left-handed, or Jewish: although I am none of these things, a disproportionate number of my friends in the past have had at least one of these characteristics. And if you have all three then you've probably already been sucked in by whatever it is that makes red-haired, left-handed, Jewish people like me.

You lose one compatibility point if you have a tattoo of a butterfly: butterfly tattoo people generally don't "get" me.