Fireworks accident

How were you supposed to know that you shouldn't light off fireworks at the gas station? Seriously.

All possible test results

Old and alone

Apparently you're selfish and not heroic. You live this way, and you're going to die this way. Good job, jerk. Read more

Angry Homeless Man

Yeah, that homeless guy you pass every day on the way to and from work, and never give any change, even though he can hear it jingling in your pockets? Well he's going to challenge you to battle. An... Read more

Disgruntled Waitress

She's a single mother who works long hours in stressful conditions to feed her little girl, and you just stiffed her. 5% on a $25 check? You fucking asshole. Prepare to be stabbed by 7 not-to-sharp... Read more

Poisoned by enemy

Your mortal enemy, whom you hate, and whom hates you, will offer you a drink, and you'll accept it. You know, they say that gullible isn't in the dictionary, but I just say that you should seriously ... Read more

Buried alive

You're going to meet your end by being buried alive, either mistaken for a corpse when you fall asleep on the embalming table at the mortuary, or just because people hate you and want you to suffer th... Read more

Old folks' home hero

You're going to lead a rebellion of the elderly against the fascist nurses who refuse to do anything about the Alzheimer's patient who keeps stealing shit from your room. You will fall bravely in bat... Read more

Fireworks accident

How were you supposed to know that you shouldn't light off fireworks at the gas station? Seriously. Read more

Over-masturbation

You're going to try to set a personl record by masturbating 24 times in a 24 hour period, but you're going to forget the number one rule: stay hydreated. The body can't take that kind of fluid loss a... Read more

Beached whale

Coming across a beached whale, you'll join the effort in trying to save it... but it will somehow roll on top of you and crush you. It was a noble effort, but... you died. Read more

Bank robbery

Either you'll be robbing a bank and get shot by the cops, or try to foil a bank robbery and get shot by the robbers. Either way, if you can avoid banks for the rest of your life, you'll live forever. Read more

Stunt Man Accident

The only truly noble profession... putting your body in the way of physical harm to protect grossly overpaid actors. Too bad the intern working on the set won't realize the bullets were supposed to b... Read more

Mauled by orphans

Not many people know this, but orphans are purely carnivorous, and very dangerous in packs. Keep that in mind when you show up at the orphanage to donate that vegetarian meat loaf with salad and soy ... Read more

Motorcycle Lightning

Riding your motorcycle down the highway... you're going to get struck by lightning. How is that heroic? I'm not sure, but it would be a hella-cool way to go. Read more

Shark bait

A shark shows up on a crowded beach, but nobody notices but you. So what do you do? Swim out and fight the shark... and lose. Too bad, I really thought you had a chance. Read more

Donating organs

Not fully realizing that you only have two kidneys, and one liver, you're going to, how to say... over-give your organs? oops! The doctors probably should've told you, but then again, they get paid b... Read more

Crucified

I'm not going to say it'll be as glamorous as Jesus' crucifiction, but it's gonna be pretty great. My Chemical Romance is going to be the opening act. Read more

Battle with ninjas

Really sweet way to die... in battle with ninjas. Need I say more? Read more

Saving the girl

You're going to bravely sacrifice your life to "save the girl" as they say. Unless you are a girl, then you'll be saving either a puppy or an orphanage. Unless you're a girl who likes girls, then yo... Read more

Space Pirates

The ultimate hero, you're going to die bravely in battle, defending moon treasure from space pirates. God bless you! *salutes* Read more

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