31% Chance of Rain
You are a 31% Chance of Rain. Why 31? Well, the fourth-highest rating news station in the nation needed some way to distinguish themselves from their better-rating competitors, and weirdly precise numbers seem more believable than something that's been rounded to the nearest multiple of 10. You strike people with your odd importance, your strangely specific statements that make them slightly nervous. Then you wait until that very second that some fucking optimist decides to venture outside without an umbrella. And you drench the beejeezus out of them. That'll show 'em.
SEEK: Winter people. Pessimists. People from tropical climates.
AVOID: Anyone with a smile that looks like it could be made for television.
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