Apperance: Life of Brian
Somehow still functioning.
The Jail scene
(BRIAN wakes up with a smile on his face to find himself being dragged along a cell corridor by TWO GUARDS. The horrible figure of the JAILER spits at him and flings him into a dark damp cell, slamming the iron grate behind him and turning the key hollowly in the lock. BRIAN slumps to the floor. A voice comes out of the darkness behind him.)
BEN: You LUCKY bastard!
BRIAN: (spins around and peers into the gloom): Who's that?
(In the darkness BRIAN just makes out an emaciated figure, suspended on the wall, with his feet off the ground, by chains round his wrists. This is BEN.)
BEN: You lucky, lucky bastard.
BEN: (with great bitterness): Proper little gaoler's pet, aren't we?
BRIAN: (ruffled) What do you mean?
BEN: You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?
BRIAN: Slipped him a few shekels!? You saw him spit in my face!
BEN: Ohh! What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face! I sometimes hang awake at nights dreaming of being spat in the face.
BRIAN: Well, it's not exactly friendly, is it? They had me in manacles ...
BEN: Manacles! Oooh.... (his eyes go quite dreamy) My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be put in manacles ... just for a few hours. They must think the sun shines out of your arse, sonny!
BRIAN: Listen! They beat me up before they threw me in here.
BEN: Oh yeah? The only day they don't beat me up is on my birthday.
BRIAN: Oh shut up.
BEN: Well, your type makes me sick! You come in here, you get treated like Royalty, and everyone outside thinks you're a bloody martyr.
BRIAN: Oh, lay off me ... I've had a hard time!
BEN: YOU'VE had a hard time! Listen, sonny! I've been here five years and they only hung me the right way up yesterday!
BRIAN: All right! All right!
BEN: I just wish I had half your luck. They must think you're Lord God Almighty!
BRIAN: What'll they do to me?
BEN: Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
BEN: Yeah, first offense.
BRIAN: Get away with crucifixion!
BEN: Best thing the Romans ever did for us.
BRIAN: (incredulous) What?
BEN: Oh yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion this country would be in a right bloody mess I tell you.
BRIAN: (who can stand it no longer) Guard!
BEN: Nail 'em up I say!
BRIAN: (dragging himself over to the door) Guard!
BEN: Nail some sense into them!
GUARD: (looking through the bars) What d'you want?
BRIAN: I want to be moved to another cell.
(GUARD spits in his face.)
BRIAN: Oh! (he recoils in helpless disgust)
BEN: Oh ... look at that! Bloody favouritism!
GUARD: Shut up, you!
BEN: Sorry! Sorry! (he lowers his voice) Now take my case. I've been here five years, and every night they take me down for ten minutes, then they hang me up again ... which I regard as very fair ... in view of what I done ... and if nothing else, it's taught me to respect the Romans, and it's taught me that you'll never get anywhere in life unless you're prepared to do a fair day's work for a fair day's pay ...
BRIAN: Oh ... Shut up!
(CENTURION approaches cell door with two soldiers, starts unlocking door)
CENT: Pilate wants to see you.
CENT: Come on.
BRIAN: Pilate? What does he want to see me for? CENT: I think he wants to know which way up you want to be crucified. (He laughs. The TWO SOLDIERS smirk. BEN laughs uproariously.) BEN: ... Nice one, centurion. Like it, like it.
CENT (to BEN): Shut up! (BRIAN is hustled out. The door slams.)
BEN: (to himself): Terrific race the Romans ... terrific.
More tests we think you'll like
Taken 8974 times.
Hi! And welcome to the "Are You a Player" test. ** I THINK I have fixed what was wrong, so you should get a more "accurate" reading** Every...
Taken 2515 times.
You can only do so much with metal, and the music is following the same path as the worldly element did. when the first metal was smelted it revolutio...
Taken 7692 times.
This test is intended to just give you a laugh. In a day and age of constant competition I decided not to make this test about scoring but rather a br...
Taken 60543 times.
This is the ultimate and most accurate test one could ever take in this area. This test is for boys, but if you're a girl and you feel you REALLY want...
Taken 1454 times.
Hi! And welcome to my Megaman NES Test. I will ask you questions about the Megaman NES saga! Some questions will be easy, others will be hard! Good l...
Taken 1662 times.
This is my first test and it contains 50 questions of various facts about dogs. Each question is scored 2 points so there is a possible 100 points. ...
Taken 3744 times.
Do you watch Showtime's Hit Series "The L Word". Of course you do. How into this show are you? Let's find out!
Taken 8460 times.
Hi! And welcome to my What Kind of Diaper Are You Test. I'll be using advanced logic and knowledge to determine your true nature.
Taken 7671 times.
How intelligent are you when it comes to hitting the clubs for an evening?
Taken 1806 times.
Hi! And welcome to my Horse Racing Test.
Connect your existing OkCupid account
Restore your account to continue meeting new people.
Reset your password
We’ll email you a link to reset it.
An email is on its way to . If you don’t see it, try checking your Spam folder.