Apperance: Life of Brian
Somehow still functioning.
The Jail scene
(BRIAN wakes up with a smile on his face to find himself being dragged along a cell corridor by TWO GUARDS. The horrible figure of the JAILER spits at him and flings him into a dark damp cell, slamming the iron grate behind him and turning the key hollowly in the lock. BRIAN slumps to the floor. A voice comes out of the darkness behind him.)
BEN: You LUCKY bastard!
BRIAN: (spins around and peers into the gloom): Who's that?
(In the darkness BRIAN just makes out an emaciated figure, suspended on the wall, with his feet off the ground, by chains round his wrists. This is BEN.)
BEN: You lucky, lucky bastard.
BEN: (with great bitterness): Proper little gaoler's pet, aren't we?
BRIAN: (ruffled) What do you mean?
BEN: You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?
BRIAN: Slipped him a few shekels!? You saw him spit in my face!
BEN: Ohh! What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face! I sometimes hang awake at nights dreaming of being spat in the face.
BRIAN: Well, it's not exactly friendly, is it? They had me in manacles ...
BEN: Manacles! Oooh.... (his eyes go quite dreamy) My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be put in manacles ... just for a few hours. They must think the sun shines out of your arse, sonny!
BRIAN: Listen! They beat me up before they threw me in here.
BEN: Oh yeah? The only day they don't beat me up is on my birthday.
BRIAN: Oh shut up.
BEN: Well, your type makes me sick! You come in here, you get treated like Royalty, and everyone outside thinks you're a bloody martyr.
BRIAN: Oh, lay off me ... I've had a hard time!
BEN: YOU'VE had a hard time! Listen, sonny! I've been here five years and they only hung me the right way up yesterday!
BRIAN: All right! All right!
BEN: I just wish I had half your luck. They must think you're Lord God Almighty!
BRIAN: What'll they do to me?
BEN: Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
BEN: Yeah, first offense.
BRIAN: Get away with crucifixion!
BEN: Best thing the Romans ever did for us.
BRIAN: (incredulous) What?
BEN: Oh yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion this country would be in a right bloody mess I tell you.
BRIAN: (who can stand it no longer) Guard!
BEN: Nail 'em up I say!
BRIAN: (dragging himself over to the door) Guard!
BEN: Nail some sense into them!
GUARD: (looking through the bars) What d'you want?
BRIAN: I want to be moved to another cell.
(GUARD spits in his face.)
BRIAN: Oh! (he recoils in helpless disgust)
BEN: Oh ... look at that! Bloody favouritism!
GUARD: Shut up, you!
BEN: Sorry! Sorry! (he lowers his voice) Now take my case. I've been here five years, and every night they take me down for ten minutes, then they hang me up again ... which I regard as very fair ... in view of what I done ... and if nothing else, it's taught me to respect the Romans, and it's taught me that you'll never get anywhere in life unless you're prepared to do a fair day's work for a fair day's pay ...
BRIAN: Oh ... Shut up!
(CENTURION approaches cell door with two soldiers, starts unlocking door)
CENT: Pilate wants to see you.
CENT: Come on.
BRIAN: Pilate? What does he want to see me for? CENT: I think he wants to know which way up you want to be crucified. (He laughs. The TWO SOLDIERS smirk. BEN laughs uproariously.) BEN: ... Nice one, centurion. Like it, like it.
CENT (to BEN): Shut up! (BRIAN is hustled out. The door slams.)
BEN: (to himself): Terrific race the Romans ... terrific.
More tests we think you'll like
Taken 315 times.
Find out if you could be classified as emo or not.
Taken 169 times.
One handed weapons? A strong shield? Maybe you'd rather smash your enemies up, or maybe you'd prefer staying in the sidelines or the shadows - This test will tell you what weapon would suit you!
Taken 3829 times.
How much U.S. History do you really know? Do you remember the things your teachers taught you? Do you pay attention when reading newspapers or watching the news?
Taken 26 times.
Qui seriez vous dans Guilty Crown ? Shû, Inori ou Gai ? Peut être Yahiro ou Tsugumi ? C'est ce que nous allons voir !
Taken 852 times.
Do you have aptitude for Candor, Erudite, Dauntless, Abnegation, or Amity?
Taken 486 times.
Hi! And welcome to my Horse Racing Test.
Taken 204 times.
Which One Piece character are you ?
Taken 24937 times.
Hi! And welcome to my Humane Sexuality Test. I'll be using advanced theory and research to determine how sexually open, educated and just plain weird ...
Taken 1815 times.
Hi! And welcome to my Useless Trivia As Determined By the Author Test. I'll be using advanced logic and my useless knowledge amassed over years of veg...
Taken 196 times.
Hey internet fiends! Hopefully, most people taking this test are familiar with the popular online comic Bob and George, if not, check it out at http:...