Their result for The Christopher Moore's Official "Are You A Beta Male" Test ...

You scored 3The Alpha Male, 4 The Beta Male, 3 Omega Maleand 0 just pathetic!

21-30: ALPHA MALE, Congratulations! You are that rare breed, that commanding creature for whom leadership comes as naturally as handcuffs and perp walks. There is a good chance that you are a professional athlete, a CEO, an astronaut, or a military commander, gifted with size, strength, speed, and good looks. You are also universally hated by anyone who is not an Alpha Male, i.e., the great majority of the world's population. Watch your (broad, tall, strong) back. 13-20: BETA MALE, Okay. You thought you were an Alpha Male, right? Here's the tough news: you're not. You're a Beta. But here's the good news: the world may be led by Alpha Males, but its RUN by Betas. Betas are the very vertebrae of the backbone of American business. They are behind some of the most heinous fuckery and outrageous weaselosity in American politics. Capitalism would collapse without the Beta Male's promptness, effectiveness, and dependability. Oh, and also: Beta Males always get the girl in the end - once said girl has been kicked to the curb enough times by Alpha Males and has decided she doesn't need the seven-figure salary or thiry-six inch vertical leap if she could only find a guy who is steady, even-tempered, responsible, and a good father. Congratulations: that's you, Beta Male! 6-12: OMEGA MALE, Tough love for you, Omega Male: you don't even qualify for Beta Male range. Here's some advice: unplug your computer. (It's okay: SexySadie313 will still be there tomorrow, I promise.) Leave the basement. Throw out the Little Debbie snack cakes and Lord of the Rings fruit snacks on which you've been living. Take a shower; shave off your scruffy facial hair. Wax your back. Now go buy a pair of jeans and a T-shirt at the Gap and to to a Starbucks with a copy of the paper or a smart-yet-sensitive novel. (After you've done this a few time, you can try bringing your computer, as long as you resolve not to role-play.) See the difference? Keep up the good work and you may become a Beta Male in as few as six months! 0-5: No one's this pathetic. How long have you been a compulsive liar and/or cheater? Ther are support groups for this kind of problem, you know.

Their Analysis (Vertical line = Average)

  • The Alpha Male Distribution

    They scored 3% on The Alpha Male, higher than 12% of your peers.

  • The Beta Male Distribution

    They scored 4% on The Beta Male, higher than 36% of your peers.

  • Omega Male Distribution

    They scored 3% on Omega Male, higher than 72% of your peers.

  • just pathetic Distribution

    They scored 0% on just pathetic, higher than 50% of your peers.

All possible test results

21-30: ALPHA MALE, Congratulations! You are that rare breed, that commanding creature for whom leadership comes as naturally as handcuffs and perp walks. There is a good chance that you are a professi... Read more

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