The Sucker or No Sucker Test

All possible test results

The Sloth

You somehow tricked the test. Good Job, asshole! If your results are to be believed, you are neither thoughtful, nor able to put down the bong long enough to do anything resembling "living." Again: ... Read more

Automaton

Congratulations, you made it off the couch, but are completely oblivious to the world around you. Hey, following the herd is an easy way to go, and I can't blame you. You probably wear sweaters with... Read more

The Jackal

You and I may be related, but that's no compliment. You are the picture of the hotheaded Neanderthal, and would make a good company vice president or political activist (note: I did not say "executiv... Read more

Average Joke

You are not much for critical thought, or perhaps thought this test should be taken on impulse (it's not--I was hoping you'd ponder each question before answering). On the plus side, you manage to g... Read more

The Couch Surfer

You are sensitive enough to earn the sort of favors that allow you to coast through life. Here's hoping your friends don't figure out how truly indecisive you are, as they will hand you a bill for "ba... Read more

The Burnout

You started out with a good balance of thoughtfulness and ego, but probably found psychedelics more satisfying than establishing yourself as a responsible, self-contained individual. You will thrive ... Read more

The Salesman

You are very likely to be successful, as you are both thoughtful and aggressive. The fact that you scored higher on action than abstraction demonstrates your disposition towards alpha status. If you... Read more

The Big Fish

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The Listless Goth

They say you "think too much," but "they" are usually Automatons. If you "thought" more, you'd do something with it. Chances are, you didn't answer some of the questions truthfully, or skipped the... Read more

The Late Bloomer

Your sensitive, thoughtful ways kept you down in high school, but previously hidden charms managed to poke through your white t-shirt of social awkwardness on a providencially wet day. Bravo! You ar... Read more

The Managing Editor

You are clever, insightful, and motivated (when sober). This category deserves the most write-up, so I'll redo it later. We should get a drink, some time. (pictured: Kasparov) Read more

The Executive

You see life as a competition, and you think sufficiently deep to win most of the time. You trample the occasional automaton's sensibilities, as you forget that they are mere mortals. I'd tell you ... Read more