Alien Abduction

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : You get abducted by aliens. You're probably expecting me to start making anal probe jokes, but actually, that doesn't happen because these are illegal aliens, and they smuggle you across the border into Mexico and put you to work in one of Kathy Lee Gifford's sweat shops making stupid little air fresheners shaped like donkeys. Eventually you break out and find your way back across the border, but your hands will be smelling like donkeys for a long time.    

All possible test results

YOU EVENTUALLY BECOME A GOD !

Congratulations! Against all odds, you scored one of the four "most difficult to get" res... Read more

YOU WILL RULE THE WORLD !

Congratulations! Against all odds, you scored one of the four "most difficult to get" results on the test! Ultimate success is yours! ... Read more

YOU GAIN ETERNAL YOUTH !

Congratulations! Against all odds, you scored one of the four "most difficult to get" results on the test! Ultimate success is yours! ... Read more

YOU ACHIEVE ULTIMATE WISDOM !

Congratulations! Against all odds, you scored one of the four "most difficult to get" results on the test! Ultimate success is yours! ... Read more

Eaten Alive By Clowns

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : Sure, it sounds horrible now ... but trust me, someday we'll all look back on it and laugh. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA... Read more

Riddled With Bullets

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : You go on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and for the final question, you are asked about the caliber of bullets that go into a Thompson sub-machine gun. You don't know t... Read more

Free Enema

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : The local hospital starts advertising Free Enemas every Friday afternoon as part of a promotional gimmick. Naturally, you rush down there next Friday and get one.... Read more

A Girl With Kaleidoscope Eyes

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : While picturing yourself in a boat on a river, you accidentally meet a girl with kaleidoscope eyes. Unfortunately, she's driving a psychedelic VW bus, a... Read more

Alice Cooper Golfing Mishap

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : While out golfing, you are struck on the head and knocked unconscious by a stray ball.  Waking up in the hospital, Alice Cooper is standing there apologizing for... Read more

Tree Hugger

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : Inspired by a documentary on Greenpeace, you become a tree hugger and immediately run outside and hug the first tree you find. The tree, a large birch tree, is mo... Read more

Lark's Tongues In Aspic

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : I don't know what it means, either. It's actually a prog rock album released by the band King Crimson in 1973 (pictured above). Whatever it means, at least it ... Read more

In Reality, You Are A Deep Sea Fish

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : You discover that you are actually a deep sea fish disguised as a normal everyday human! You're really cool looking too, with rows of multi-colored lights running do... Read more

Vomitorium Opening

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : A new Vomitorium opens up down the street from where you live. For those of you who happen to be uneducated backward-assed heathens and have no idea what I'm talk... Read more

Stop Smokin' That Shit!

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : seriously man, it's fuckin' with your brain, yo.  Yo?  Yo-yo.  Yo-Yos are pretty cool, huh?   Except when the string gets tangled up, yo.  ... Read more

Yog Sothoth, wag'n f'tagl akili li !!!

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : A giant, shapeless, unspeakable protoplasmic horror from beyond sane time and space enters the Presidential Race as an independent. Strangely, it wins the ... Read more

Pot Of Gold

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : You reach the end of the rainbow and discover the pot of gold is actually just a pay toilet filled with leprechaun piss. As you are pondering the irony of this, you have a... Read more

A Visitation From The Disembodied Spirit Of Frank Zappa

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : You receive a visitation from the disembodied spirit of Frank Zappa. He asks you if you have any khaki maple buckwheat. You tell him you don't. He says t... Read more

Blue Phlegm

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : Your phlegm turns bright blue for no apparant reason. The doctors can't figure it out, but it's not really hurting you so you ignore it. A month later it passes. You don'... Read more

A Vote For Bush

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : Pubic hair on adult women actually comes back into style, ushering in an era of peace and prosperity for the remainder of the century. The downside is, dental floss sales am... Read more

Sure And Begorrah, I See Pieces Of Me Lucky Charms In It!!!

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : While you're sitting on the toilet one morning, a leprechaun magically appears in your bathroom and casts a spell that turns your latest bowelmovement into solid gold. Of co... Read more

Bruce Lee Kicks Chuck Norris's Ass

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : Bruce Lee rises from the grave and righteously kicks Chuck Norris's arrogant little punk-ass.  Chuck is thoroughly humiliated, as he so richly deserves to be.  It's eve... Read more

!!! Whacked Fucker That Want I

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : A dyslexic mafia boss accidentally puts a contract out on you, because your last name happens to be the same as his arch-rival's last name spelled backwards. If your car ... Read more

Life Will Be Roses

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : The new neigbors invite you over for coffee. Upon arriving, you discover that "coffee" in their native language is a slang for a horrid cannibal feast. T... Read more

I Told You Not To Feed That Thing

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : A stray cat follows you home. You give it some milk and then send it on its way. Later, it breaks into your home and suffocates you in your sleep, then steals your DVD colle... Read more

Sid Vicious Is Spontaneously Resurrected

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : All of the major ruling governments on earth are toppled, plunging the entire world into anarchy. Surprisingly, the more intelligent members of the population discove... Read more

He Took It All Too Far ... But Boy, Could He Play Guitar!

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : David Bowie uses his androgynous space alien powers to time travel back to 1973 to undo the damage he did by convincing Iggy Pop to leave the Stooges and pursue a solo ca... Read more

You Want Nuts With That?

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : You get a new job counting the peanuts in people's stool samples for a big pharmaceutical research and development firm. It's a shitty job, needless to say, and you hate i... Read more

Beauty Is Only Skin Deep

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : You win second place in the local "Most Beautiful Hemmorhoids" pageant, along with a $500 cash prize and a new custom-made Tommy Hilfiger hemmorhoid donut. Looks like all of... Read more

The Lunch Special

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : The next time you have a hoagie for lunch, you will discover that someone accidentally used hundred dollar bills in place of the lettuce. Or maybe they used live maggots in ... Read more

The Damndest Thing Happened At The Doctor's Office Today ...

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : After a brief examination, your physician determines you have a rare and dangerous glandular imbalance and advocates that you begin eating peanut shells.  Not the peanuts... Read more

Doucheland Doucheland, Uber Alles !!!

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : You find out that your significant other used to star in German porn movies. Now you realize why they're always saying "I need to put all the shit in my past behind me." Read more

An Apology From God Himself *

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : God issues a worldwide apology for fucking everything up, then throws a thousand year party where he pimps out all of the hot female angels to humanity for free. And yes,... Read more

Gambling With The Pope

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : While shooting craps with His Holiness in a secret underground Vatican City casino, you gamble away your entire life's savings and the Roman Catholic Church takes everyth... Read more

Death Of A Talking Flute

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : H.R. PUFNSTUF finally grabs little Jimmy's pansy-assed talking flute and breaks it in half on national television to the cheers of millions.   Hallelujah ... Read more

Diamond Rain Of Slow Agonizing Death

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : A localized rainstorm develops over your property and your property alone, and the next thing you know, it starts raining diamonds in your back yard! Actual 24 karat fuck... Read more

:-P

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : No, you don't get to hump the Olsen twins. In fact, your future has nothing to do with them at all. I just wanted an excuse to look at them. Mmmmmmm :-P Read more

Drunken Sex With A Mildly Retarded Cousin

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : This one is pretty self-explanatory, isn't it? Read more

Alien Abduction

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : You get abducted by aliens. You're probably expecting me to start making anal probe jokes, but actually, that doesn't happen because these are illegal aliens, and... Read more

A Spatula

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : I said A Spatula ... what are you, deaf a... Read more

Doggie Style

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : A pit bull humps your leg. Then -- adding injury to insult -- he rips your leg off and eats it. Read more

Accidental Dismemberment While Shaving

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : If you're a woman, you're going to accidentally shave off one of your legs below the knee. If you're a man, it's even worse because you're going to accidentally decapitat... Read more

Kidnapped By Oompah-Loompahs

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : When the Oompah-Loompahs from Willy Wonka sang "Oompah Loompah, doopity doo" ... were they singing it because they were ALREADY called Oompah-Loompahs and it was their ... Read more

Zombies do not eat brussel sprouts

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : Pressured into giving up meat by the brainwashing socialist healthcare industry, you become a vegetarian (if you aren't one already). A few days later, you are bitten b... Read more

Silent But Not Exactly Deadly, But Still Pretty Dangerous

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : While trying to light a fart to win a bet with some friends, you accidentally burn your new house down. Your homeowner's insurance doesn't cover fires caused by fart-lightin... Read more

No Future, No Future, No Future For You!

IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE : This is the "give this result to everyone else" score. So somehow you fucked up so completely that you didn't even get a real score. So I guess you must really suck./... Read more

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