The How will I die? Test

All possible test results

Old age

You boring bastard. You're going to live a long and pointless life. Have fun with that, you pussy. Read more

Cancer

Welcome to cancer town. Population: You. I guess you can take solace in the fact that those you leave behind can now purchase ribbons and ribbon shaped magnets to commemorate your plight. Read more

Heart Disease

Biggest cause of death in the nation... Heart disease. You conformist. Read more

Sex

Prepare to scar your sexual partner for life, because you're gonna be going at it hot and heavy and just drop dead. We should all be so lucky. Read more

Coughing up organs

Because of your lack of health concern, you're going to somehow manage to evacuate your internal organs by way of coughing. You should videotape it and ask that somebody put it on Youtube, cause that... Read more

Mugger

You're going to get mugged, maybe make a wrong move, and the guy is going to panic and kill you. Sorry. Read more

Drowning

You'll probably drown, either in a swimming pool, the ocean, a toilet, or in your own vomit. The choice is yours... well not yours so much as fate's. Sorry to get your hopes up. Read more

Coffin Salesman

In your declining health, you're going to visit a coffin retailor, and have the bad fortune of encountering a salesman who's a little down on his luck. In his desperation, he's going to kill you in o... Read more

Choking

You're going to choke on something... could be a piece of steak, could be Ron Jeremy's wang. But rest assured... it's going to be hilarious. Read more

Heart Explosion

Your heart is going to explode through some combination of over excitement and pour nutrition. The question is, will it explode so hard that it ruptures your chest cavity? Better put on a parka, jus... Read more

Shark Attack

It doesn't happen often, but you're going to be eaten by a shark! Congratulations! Read more

An anvil

Remember when you were little and you saw anvils falling on cartoon characters' heads? Hilarious. Well it will be equally funny when it happens to you and results in your death. Cheers! Read more

Cocker spaniels

You're going to be mauled by a pack of vicious cocker spaniels. Good luck with that. Read more

The Grand Canyon

One gorgeous day, you'll be vacationing in Arizona, sight seeing at the beautiful Grand Canyon, and somehow, by either accident or malicious intent, you'll plummet to your doom. Not a bad fate, if yo... Read more

Terminal STD's

It might be AIDS, it might be crabs the size of... actual crabs, the ones you got from the "truck stop bathroom" (yeah, right) but they'll be death of you. At least you had a fun life, right? Read more

Lightning Strike

One of the few who have truly pissed off God, you're going to be struck by lightning. I knew a guy who got struck by lightning while riding a motorcycle. You should hope to die in such a cool way. Read more

A co-worker

That's the last straw... you've uttered the words "too much information" one time too many. Now, you'll pay... Read more

A train

You're going to be hit by a train, which I find to be pretty sad. Mostly it's because you know exactly where the train is going to be, but you're still going to be there when the train shows up. May... Read more

Cannibalism

I should clarify... ACCIDENTAL cannibalism. The elderly people at the old folks' home are going to confuse you for their mid-afternoon dinner and eat your delicious flesh. And because they're old, n... Read more

Fat Suffocation

Odd are you're pretty fat, or you're going to be, and at some point you're going to manage to clog your airways with your own fatty tissues. Don't ask me how, but you'll do it. Read more

Ninjas

What a sweet-ass way to die. Can you tell me what answers you gave to arrive at this death? Man, that's awesome. You're going to die valiantly in battle with ninjas.... damn that's cool. Read more

Dinosaurs

You're going to invent a time machine, go back in time, and meet your demise at the hands (or claws) of a ferocious dinosaur. What's worse is that in doing so, you'll vastly change the future so that... Read more

A volcano

A volcano, somewhere, will erupt, and you'll be there. And, for some reason, you'll lack the common sense to leave the site of the eruption, and you'll die as a result. This isn't surprising to me, ... Read more

An explosion

Most likely this explosion will take place in some kind of strip club or bordello (whore house, for those of you with no class). The explosion will probably occur when the terrorists realize that the... Read more

A mutated squirrel

Use your imagination... I did, and here's what I came up with: A squirrel, living near a nuclear plant, absorbs radiation by drinking from a local river which is contaminated by nuclear runoff. The ... Read more