The Viking

A tiny, squeaking, nearly hairless rodent, you shuffle through dark tunnels, living in fear.

All possible test results

Very Evil

You have never, despite what you say. And now you probably won't. Stop pretending. Don't give up, but stop pretending to not give up. Melissa really did want to kiss you that one time, and you ble... Read more

My Perfect Match.

Oh, relax, it's just a joke. You're actually the perfect match for someone much older and uglier. We'll be sending the men around to tie you to the fire hydrant on Wednesday. Till then, try not to ... Read more

The Communist

More relevant than the Hanged Man but not as angry as Pisces, you thrive on hamburgers. Read more

The Mammal

Feather covered egg laying little songster that you are, you can't wait for Wednesday. Read more

The Republican

Naked. Totally naked. And not even ashamed. Read more

Less evil than you

Cleaning gum off park benches with your teeth? Grasshoppers! Read more

The Bongo Player

You're the sort of person who picks C, except on Wednesday. Try to lighten up a little and don't poop on my car hood or I'll fill your ass full of buckshot, you bloody minded heathen. Read more

The Liberal Democrat

Similar to the Ten of Cups but with a froisson of a soupcon of something uniquely your own, you will someday blow a drunk in a bus station bathroom, but it will be all right by the time you do it. Read more

My Imperfect Match.

hey, relax, it's another joke. You're not imperfect at all. Or my match. In fact, check your driver's license. Is that who you remember being? Jellybeans and elevators! Read more

The Match of Matches

When Santa Claus got through slaughtering his elves, he left one tiny quaking one alive in the back room, blinded him, pulled out all his teeth, and pushed him out in the snow. The little bastard st... Read more

The Lizard

I just remember that the Circus McGurkus was the world's greatest show. Should you? And remember that it's not far from being the Wizard of Oz to being the Lizard of Zo. Read more

Oh My Dear God

Oh my. oh my. oh my. You really did get that score. oh dear dear dear dear dear ... Stay right where you are. Don't move. Don't look down. I'll get pliers and antiseptic. Read more

The Fish

Energetic and fond of trees, you often lure Republicans onto golf courses, where you seldom would take your pants. Read more

The Chicken Thief

Because you just are! Why does this have to be so hard? Read more

The Hoosier

Rotund and with a perpetually sour expression, you only want to be hit with a pie now and then. Read more

Raggedy Ann

Throw away your crutches, you can see! Go forth and feed the naked, clothe the dead, and play the bongos! Read more

Santa Claus

You are able to kill flies with your tongue, but does that really matter? Consider getting involved with someone more omnipotent next time, and stop hoping to lactate spontaneously. Read more

Every Good Boy

Cold blooded, swimming slowly through dark seas, you are content with eating tiny plankton and voting for white guys in blue suits. Read more

Ringo Starr

John was the brilliant one, Paul was the sexy one. I guess we know where that leaves you -- in the margarine again, without a broom. Read more

Slapped Giraffe

Why did your mother? Was it because one of her legs was both the same? Who can say how these things happen? From now one every fortune cookie you read will be more amusing if you add "between the s... Read more

The Singing Waiter

Singing Waiter, you're the one for me. Actually you're the one for all of us. Well, you're not for that girl from Ithaca. But for practically all of us. Actually there's three cowboys in Montana ... Read more

The Shepherd

Squiffy and yet cutaneous, you are always kempt and sheveled. Your opposite is the Ox. Your friend is the Hierophant. Your phone is cut off for nonpayment. Marry a Lizard late in life or else don'... Read more

The Viking

A tiny, squeaking, nearly hairless rodent, you shuffle through dark tunnels, living in fear. Read more

The Perpetual

Honestly, if you didn't have to come up on land to lay your eggs, would you ever eat a sandwich? Kick back, have fun, it's Wednesday. Read more

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