The Perverse Unnatural Death Test

All possible test results

Budman Assassination

A mutant creature, Budman, will asphyxiate you at the age of 55. You will hear a fly buzz when you die. Shortly following your untimely death, someone will discover and publish your secret writings, a... Read more

Eyeball Death Pluck

After smoking some killer weed, at the age of 39, you will find yourself plastered to the ground, unable to move. A flock of ravenous ravens will descend upon you, plucking out your eyeballs and leavi... Read more

Budman Recycling

A mutant creature, Budman, will asphyxiate you at the age of 73. Your body will decompose naturally, becoming one with the earth. There will be no Heaven of Hell for you, but the components of your bo... Read more

Orc Revenge

While visiting Amherst, a viscious band of Uruk'hai Orc cookies will decapitate you and eat your bloody limbs to avenge their distant Keebler cousins. Read more

Purloined Cookies

On a midnight dreary, while you ponder weak and weary, a baker's dozen of monstrous cookies, hidden in plain sight, will maul you in your sleep, smiling as they spew bits of your flesh and gristle on ... Read more

Whitman Sampler

On the Valentine's day after you have turned 73, a pair of botulism-infested undercooked Cookies will sneak from the kitchen and force their way into your mouth. This is always the excuse you use for ... Read more

Bright Vesuvian

At the age of 55, while visiting a museum in Massachusetts, a strange DaVinci-like painting will come to life, poking you in the eyeball and infecting you with a fast-acting form of Bright's Disease. ... Read more

Vesuvian Mutilation

While visiting a museum in Richmond, Virginia, you will be attacked by Vesuvius Man, a perverse mutation of one of DaVinci's more popular works. He will use his massive armspan to strike you down, fli... Read more

Pimpin' 4 jesus

While taking the Brooklyn Ferry, you will be approached by a group of prostitutes bound for New York. They will beg you to be their pimp, as they are new to the city and need your guidance. Operating ... Read more

Eyeball Soup

At the age of 55, while experimenting with soup recipes, a bird will fly into your window, falling instantly to the ground. Wondering what flavour the bird might add to your concoction, you bring him ... Read more

Non-Tabasco Mutation

While cooking a hearty stew, you find you have run out of Tabasco, and use some cheap generic hot sauce for flavouring. This cheap sauce will react with the garlic in the pot, mutating into a deadly w... Read more

Cloves of Grass

While writing on a warm, sunny day, a mutant woman made entirely of Garlic (and a few toothpicks) will attack you, killing you instantly. Your corpse will decay beneath a tree, providing nourishment a... Read more

Spermutation

You will choke to death on sperm at the age of 55. Read more

Pube Choking

After smoking some superb imported weed, you begin performing oral sex on your lover who has not trimmed in quite some time. Panting in anticipation, you inhale a throatful of loose pubes, and quickly... Read more

Puffing Budman

You will be invited to star in a top-dollar porn movie. Your partner in the first scene is made entirely of Marijuana. While performing oral sex, when your partner is nearing orgasm, the pubic region ... Read more

Gingerbread Scam

While cooking a batch of festive holiday cookies, a small boy-shaped cookie suddenly sprouts and enormous boner and begins chasing you all over the kitchen. You become so caught up in the chase, you f... Read more

Annabel Lee

In many and many a year to come In a kingdom by the sea Two cookies, so large, and very well hung In the form of Orcs, there shall be A menage a trois will soon be sprung Between those ... Read more

Bad Cookie

We're sorry, you are not an instant winner. Please try again! We are unable to determine your cause of death, but as a consolation prize, please enjoy this dirty nursery rhyme. ... Bad little Cooki... Read more

Pube Sculpture

While visiting the new Museum of Modern Porn, you are amazed to find a sculpture made entirely of pubic hair. Thinking it looks cute and soft, like a Tribble, you decide to ignore the sign that says "... Read more

Xtian Gangsta Rap

While watching a low-budget porn, you hear an amazing song on the soundtrack. Looking at the credits, you find that the song is from a new Christian Hard-Core Gangsta Rap group called Pimpin' 4 Jesus.... Read more

Seminal Art

You decide to attend the grand opening of a new Museum which features works of seminal art. Upon arriving, you find that by 'seminal art' they mean painting made entirely of living semen. While lookin... Read more

Porn Star Garlique

While surfing the internet for free porn, you stumble upon a site for a porn star named Garlique. You email this sultry star to arrange an intimate encounter. Garlique arrives and the two of you make ... Read more

The Porn Birds

While watching a porn based on the popular 1983 miniseries "The Thorn Birds", you become aroused at the idea of engaging in bestial sex with a fine feathered friend. You leave your windows open and co... Read more

The Naked Lunch

On a bright Saturday afternoon, you decide to cook lunch while completely naked. Suddenly, a pot of boiling water erupts, splattering garlic-laced fluid all over your body. You are burned by the poten... Read more