• WARNING: This test, appropriately enough, is very long. So before you start, get comfortable, maybe handle a nice Martini and prepare for test off

    Welcome, dear readers. There seem to be a significant number of 'how big is your penis' tests on here, which seems a little unnecessary what with the invention of the ruler and all. No, this test is far more psychometric...

    To off-set the massive imbalance between the genders, this test really only works if you're a woman (or a gay/bisexual man who doesn't mind the way I use my pronouns. And straight guys, get your girlfriends to answer - it'll bring you closer together like Cupid himself. Unfortunately for the feminists among us, you still have to be straight (or at least bisexual) for it to make any sense.

    This is partly a compatibility test, partly an ethics quiz but most of all a sneaky little survey - I'd like to know if the way my ex-girlfriend treated me was common. So, yes, this is a personal attempt at bluff-calling. Most women say they really want a boyfriend with a large penis. In my experience, they end up either freaking out at the sight of it, or use it as a sex toy without any consideration for the man behind it. So, due to my personal bad experiences, this test measures both how much of a size queen you are AND how much of considerate and respectful girlfriend you'd be to a well-hung man.

    Section A is about you. 25 short, mostly hypothetical questions, partly because, well, TMI when it comes to some of the personal stuff (that's 'too much information' for those of you with TLI - that's too little information) and they often end up giving more accurate answers (for instance, which would you answer more truthfuly: "How much do you weigh" vs. "How much would you like to weight?"]

    Section B is the real deal. The CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE storybook part. Here's 25 questions, around twenty of them based on real incidents from my own life (a fun bonus game is to guess the 3 things in this section that never happened). These incidents are cleverly thrown together into one narrative. Here you'll meet me, a guy (called 'Guy Representation', because 'Me' isn't a real name) and go on a blind date, get into a relationship, then break up. So sad.

    Good luck. Oh, and a warning. As a brand new test, the results probably aren't perfect. Your feedback will help me readjust a few things. Hopefully even if the end result sucks the questions will have made you laugh, cry, think and maybe even learn a little.

    UPDATE: Since my scoring mechanism makes it very difficult to score over 60%, I've fiddled with the results tables a bit. I've also deleted some of the meaner final responses

    ANOTHER UPDATE: I've had a couple of complaints that some of the questions are 'unanswerable' if aren't biased in favour of bigger men. If that's a case, skipping an answer is allowed and will give the same result as some of the 'correct' 'not Size Queen' answers. That said, each question has a lesser response and figuring it out for yourself (it is hypothetical after all) adds to the accuracy.