• Philosophy isn't just an arcane, poorly-understood, and pointless enterprise of endless whining and questioning carried out by strange-looking old men with weird names. No, it's also an arcane, poorly-understood, and pointless enterprise of endless whining and questioning carried out by YOU. Anyone who has ever looked out of a window--or out of glasses or eyes, too--and contemplated the meaning of life, knowledge, God, or whatever is a philosopher. Whether you are a strange-looking old man with a weird name will be left for you to infer.

    Everyone, whether they will admit it or not, has a philosophy. We all live our lives according to basic assumptions and beliefs. Most of us waddle through our lives like uncaring ducks, never taking a moment to examine the possibility of knowledge, the nature of reality, the way our lives ought to be lived, and so on. No, most people just waddle around, quack, and swim around a bit, and then they fly south in the twilight of their lives, never opening their eyes wide enough to look at the true splendors of the world. But even those deepest within the pits of ignorance still possess a philosophy, all dusty and smelling of fungus with disuse.

    Well, this test is here to wake you from your dogmatic slumbers. This test refuses to let you continue waddling without examining why or how you waddle, without examining what your act of waddling presupposes. We are human beings, not beasts of burden, and it is in our power to explore and understand the world around us. Let us not waste this gift on OKCupid tests about which flavor of condom we would be if we were suddenly transformed into a contraceptive. Instead, let us waste this gift on an OKCupid test about philosophy, that will reveal your presupposed metaphysical, epistemological, and ethical views. This test shall shake you from your waking sleep, allowing you to see once and for all what a maze of fabulous bullshit philosophy has constructed over the past few millenia.

    To be honest, this test probably won't enlighten you in the least--seeing as how it is full of big, high-sounding words that not even the author knows how to pronounce--and you are probably better off taking that flavored condom test after all. (Apparently, I'm a banana-flavored condom.) But at least my test tried to tell you something important, damn it. And that has made all the difference. Which is none. But even nothing is something, if you look at it in a sort of Hegelian way. But what do you know about that, unless you take this test?

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