The Thinking Man's Masturbation Test

Since the dawn of time, mankind has had two basic preoccupations: survival and procreation. While one does not necessarily preclude the other, the present age of gastronomic abundance has brought about a novel condition wherein masturbation is easier and more prevalent than ever before. The gentleman knows that when neither prostitutes nor spanish fly can be found, masturbation can provide a convenient substitute for time-consuming sexual interaction. Please note that this test is conceived with the male onanist in mind: while females are not discouraged from taking the test, they are advised that their participation is neither expected nor desired in this venture, thank you very much.