• You've taken all the tests. You've pondered what they mean-- perhaps even wondered how you came in as "Gentleman" when your recent dating history makes you FEEL like everyone you meet identifies you as "The Last Man On Earth." Or perhaps you've wondered if maybe "The Wild Rose" is just a polite way of telling you you're an unlovable psycho bitch. You can't figure out how with all this technology, the damn machine keeps telling you you're 80% compatible with someone who bit the head off a duck on your first date. You've chatted, emailed, met for coffee-- and now you've got your lawyer on speed-dial and you need a filing cabinet to keep track of all the restraining orders.

    What's going wrong, here?

    It's simple. People lie.

    Sure, they're probably telling the truth about things like politics and whether or not they want kids-- but personality? Who in their right mind is going to tick the "I will suck the life force right out of you" box?

    But do not despair-- there is a solution. Assuming there's anything to personality testing at all-- and hell, you've gotten this far, you MUST think there is, right?-- all we need is a test that measures the incomprehensible. No matter how motivated someone is to lie, it won't do them any good if they can't figure out what the point of the question is.

    Hence, the Vacuous Personality Inventory. This test will tell you EXACTLY NOTHING about yourself. The categories it slots you into range from the cryptic to the flatly insulting. Hell, just taking it is going to leave you with a bad taste in your mouth.

    Is it going to match you up with your soul mate? Could be. What do you think? (Hint: I have some very reasonably priced land in a water-rich coastal environment you might be interested in.) But on the other hand-- can it be any worse than what you're already used to? This may only be a single step up from throwing darts at the phone book-- but consider this. Do you have any solid reason to believe the other tests are MORE useful?


    There are 48 questions. There are right and wrong answers-- but for the test to remain valid, the answer key cannot be revealed. (Not answering a question is always wrong, though.)

    When you're done, you'll be assigned to one of 27 categories. This will be entered into your permanent record-- not to mention mailed to the IRS. (Admitted, they won't know what to make of it, either, but still-- bear it in mind.) If you're even crazier than I am, I suppose you could keep an eye out for other people with similar answers-- this bugger is definitely measuring SOMETHING-- but I don't know whether to tell you to approach them, or run like hell.

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