Jan 24, 2013 2:33pm

It's somewhat reassuring I seem to not be the only one who's having this issue. I actually take my presence here on OKC very seriously, I THINK I've got a pretty decent profile. I certainly spent a lot of time on it. I always strive to write thoughtful messages when contacting someone new. Is there something about my profile that's likely repelling them away? I'd love any feedback that could help me improve, thanks!


Jan 25, 2013 2:53pm

Let's say some scientist built a man from scratch that embodied all the things women say they wanted.  

If that man had an okcupid profile, do you think a lot of women would be taking initiative to message him, set up a date, understand him, etc?


Jan 25, 2013 3:04pm

It would be worth posting a couple of sample messages; a lot of guys who say they're posting thoughtful messages are basically overthinking it, and their messages can actually be greatly improved.


Jan 25, 2013 3:21pm

^^ That rings true ^^


Jan 25, 2013 4:57pm

Alright, I'll give that a shot. Here's one:


"Hi there, so I'll keep it short for now, but absolutely had to message you. You seem very cool from what I've read, I think we've got a lot of common interests. My favorite holiday, for instance is of course Halloween. It rocks. And you draw! I suck at it, I'm hardly artistic. Unless you count writing. But drawing, extremely awesome. What do you tend to enjoy drawing the most?

And in closing, I need to mention that in some of your pictures you look strikingly identical to Felicia Day. Which is so amazing I can't explain it. Anyway, feel free to write back if you're interested in chatting. I'd love to get to know you better and look forward to hearing from you."


Another. This one had an ice breaker suggestion on her profile, where she listed two lies and a truth, asking people to figure which was the truth, and then proposing we direct two lies and a truth of our own back at her, which is what I did in the later part of this message:

"Okay, so a woman who listens to Queen and the Shins, is into Star Wars, Zombies and Lord of the Rings, and loves to read? (Did I forget to mention who is insanely gorgeous as well?) Are you real? *pokes your shoulder to make sure*

Alright, I'm going to take a stab and guess you're a peanut butter loving gal with at least one older sibling who is legally blind in one eye. Did I get it right?

My turn.

1. I'm a direct descendant of President Warren Harding.

2. I've attempted to climb Mount McKinley but fell and broke my right arm in two places.

3. I was in a scene of the original 90210 when I was 12 but it was cut from the episode before airing.

Which one is true?"

The above girl actually responded to that first message, then said she'd read my profile and get back to me. I wrote back, and never heard from her again.

And a third

"Hello there,

As Jack White sang, I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Your profile is amazing. I'd love to chat, and hear all about your ink, as well as that religion class of yours. It sounds right up my alley.

Not a fan of horror flicks though!?!? Well I suppose I can forgive that ;) So long as you're cool with the fact that you're most likely a more intense football fan than I. That's not to say I don't love the game, it's just that I only got into it seriously three or four seasons back, and am still familiarizing myself with coaches, players, stats and the like. I am totally down to beef up my knowledge though.

Anyway, I'll leave it there for now. Hope to hear back from ya. If cupid's as smart as he seems, we've got a lot in common."

This last one was the only one of the three who lives near me, and we have an insanely high match and friend rating, and quite a bit in common in our profiles. I thought for sure she'd respond. I have a feeling I know what I did wrong there though. Was mentioning our different tastes in horror movies, and my lack of knowledge in football (something she specified was an absolute must), a bad move? At the time I thought I was doing the right thing in explaining I loved the game, I'm just not well versed in it, and thought I was being funny with the horror movie comment.

I greatly appreciate feedback, thank you very much.


Jan 25, 2013 5:13pm

Keep first messages short; I know it's tempting to try and mention five different things you feel you have in common, but it's better not to; it looks over-eager, and it means that it would take more of an effort to actually respond to all that stuff.

Also, you're piling on the compliments; again, I know it seems like that would be a good idea, but it's really not. At best, telling someone how cool she is looks puppy-ish and is hard to respond to (what's she supposed to say; "Yes, I am awesome, thanks for noticing"? "No, really, I'm not cool at all"?), and at worst, it just reminds her of all those times some random guy has paid her a compliment and then felt she owed him something for it. So hold back on compliments. It's also better, I think, to focus not on telling her why you fancy her, but rather on giving her something fun and easy to respond to, to start a conversation.

Also, don't explain in a first email (or at all, really) how dating sites work. She's on a dating site, so she already knows that she can check out your profile and reply to you; there's really no need to point that out. As a general rule, avoiding the obvious is best; if you've sent her a message, she already knows that you looked at her profile, you were interested in her, you'd like a reply.

Overall; stick to one thing to talk about in a first message; keep it positive and fun and light. Don't do the "You like this thing that I'm not really into" thing; it doesn't really serve any purpose. Instead, ask about it, but keep questions focused more on opinions than facts; pretty much everyone likes airing their opinions on stuff they're into, so that's quite a low-effort response to give.

One overall tip that might help; it looks as though you're hoping that your first message will result in a close and complex bond between the two of you. Don't try for that, it's over-ambitious. The purpose of your first message is just to start a conversation, that's all. Bonds and relationships and intimacy and whatever happen later, through conversation. So all you need from that first message is a one-line reply, which means keeping it short, simple, and low-investment is your best bet.


Jan 25, 2013 5:25pm

Thank you so so much. That's awesome advice.


Jan 25, 2013 10:35pm

Oh god please quit it with the roleplay asterisks


Jan 25, 2013 10:47pm

^^ miserable troll ^^


Jan 25, 2013 11:02pm

Are women picking great partners for themselves in general? Take a look around. Take a look at divorce rates, who is initiating them and why. 

Makes me think of Jenny from Forest Gump. Why did she reject a man that was so good to her, but instead embraced men that treated her like garbage? (Yes, I know it's just a movie)

If I was sent messages by women like the ones you listed here, Blue, I'd have smiles on my face all day. 


Jan 25, 2013 11:23pm

By the way...almost in a scene from 90210?! That woulda been awesome, used to love that show. You know who the mega hottie for the girls was on that show? Dylan!!!! Dylan was the most deranged and scum baggy guy on the show. If I remember correctly every girl on that show dated him at some point. I think David was the least mega hottie for the girls, but he was the sweetest dude. I think as he got older in the show he started scum baggin' a bit more and finally got some relationships. 


Jan 26, 2013 10:16am

Someone doesn't know what the word "troll" means


Well, OP, at least ^ likes you, you guys can run away together or something


Jan 26, 2013 10:32am

I glanced at OP's profile, way too long.


Keep in mind that many OkC users are using the mobile app. Which means, they are less likely to read through a whole profile.


Jan 26, 2013 11:21am

No, seriously... stop with the asterisk shit.


Jan 26, 2013 11:25am

Agree: That asterisk shit is one of the worst things you can possibly do in a message.

Also, agree: Stop giving people undeserved compliments. You're not genuinely impressed by someone just being themselves, so stop acting like you are.


Jan 26, 2013 12:18pm

Makes me think of Jenny from Forest Gump. Why did she reject a man that was so good to her

Maybe because he was retarded? 


Jan 26, 2013 5:14pm

She was smart in comparison, right? ^


Jan 26, 2013 7:56pm


"I think David was the least mega hottie for the girls, but he was the sweetest dude." He may not have been first pick in that show but he did marry Megan Fox.



Jan 26, 2013 8:06pm

Mhm, true story ^

In real life he's a millionaire. 


Jan 27, 2013 12:56am

People suck. Women are people. Act accordingly.

In other words, don't write a novel in a first message. Even if you have a 95% match rating, there is still a 95% chance she won't respond.

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