Mar 2, 2014 6:16am

I am a female who is in charge in her job but wants a caring dom to date. I just don't know how to find him. Advice?


Mar 2, 2014 7:14am

Fet life?


Mar 2, 2014 7:16am

So what kind of sub are you? What is your kink? I think its all about communication. Smart responsible doms like to build a foundation of trust first and find out what the sub wants and secure consent.


Mar 2, 2014 9:56am

Keep in mind that Fetlife is a community site, not a dating site.  So one can find people there, but it is really not geared towards that type of search.  Though there are various personals sections for regions and you can always post an ad in one of those.

There have been quite a few discussions about looking for code words or other indicators that someone is a whatever on OKC, but they are so inconsistent that I am not sure how well they work.


Mar 2, 2014 10:15am

I'm no expert, I joined fetlife because I am interested in it. I think I would be a Dom. I enjoy dominating women that enjoy being dominated.


Mar 2, 2014 11:08am

The goal in fetlife is to meet people interested in the same things. Join fetlife, find local groups meet up with them. Most reasonable groups have munches in local restaurants where you can meet the members and get to know them.


Mar 2, 2014 12:02pm

Thank you.


Mar 2, 2014 1:26pm


usually the college assigns you to your dom and you meet your room-mate there


Mar 2, 2014 6:46pm

If you don't mind being open, be open about it in your profile. By all means join Fetlife and go to munches. Collarme is another site which makes it very easy to search for people, but beware, it is full of fakes, with just a few diamonds.

But, bear in mind that dominants are hugely outnumbered by subs, so few of them are looking


Mar 2, 2014 7:41pm

Hmm...that is interesting.


Mar 2, 2014 8:17pm


Wow, you mean you are a Dom who is looking! Stap me!  I omitted to say that a sub's chances are hugely increased if she is female and young -ish


Mar 4, 2014 8:08pm

Be careful on Collarme.  It's riddled with wannabe Doms.  Guy's who say they're Dom, but really just want to get laid.  I personally would only choose a Dom that has spent time as a sub.  That just goes with the belief that a Dom who has only ever been a Dom does not understand the needs of the Sub, only his need to dominate, but a Dom who has spent time as a sub can relate and understand the needs of the sub thus being better equipped to handle the needs of the sub.  That may not be true in all cases, but I do treat that as a general rule of thumb.  I would do all the research and discussions and asking lots and lots of questions before committing to meet someone off collarme.

Fetlife is much better in that there are get-togethers and other social events that you can get to know someone before pursuing that type of relationship.


Mar 4, 2014 8:20pm


Right. Collarme is poison, but floating in the pigshit of lies and blackmail, there are some pearls. Fetlife is better for meeting open and honest kinksters, Collarme's structure makes it much easier to cruise profiles though

Fetlife, go for it. Collarme? Wear armour.


Mar 5, 2014 5:07pm

I like Fetlife. Its hard to find a dom that kind of meshes with you. Takes time. 


Mar 5, 2014 5:32pm

Collarme is a 19th century meat market. Went there once, and it left me feeling as though I needed to shower and be vaccinated.

Fetlife is pretty cool, but as stated previously, it is a community site and not a dating site. Even those who identify as submissives (especially women), are known to get unsolicited fetmail from so-called Doms who think every sub on the site is there to please them. That is not to say you won't strike up a conversation with a genuinely interesting and caring man who is a Dominant. I agree with advice to hie thee to a munch. Even if you don't meet a Dom, it is wonderfully relaxing to be able to talk to people who don't judge you for your preferences, no matter what they may be.

As far as OKC goes, I look at the Personality section. Many don't show any Dom/sub indicators, but it doesn't hurt to look. For me, I know any man who does show "More Submissive" is not going to suit, and to take a close look at those who are listed as "More Dominant."


Mar 7, 2014 2:08pm

Most self proclaimed doms are socially awkward jack asses inept in their endeavors, look for some broken chick with daddy issues to take their frustration out on in some half assed sexual encounter. If he isnt dominant, compelling, a leader in life, he damn sure isnt a dom.


Mar 31, 2014 4:05am

Most of the guys you will find on those websites are like those Dom wannabees Lexie mentioned.

A real Dom probably would not want to advertize that he is in to deviant sex.

He will meet plenty of women elsewhere. If he gets to know a girl, he will figure out she is a bottom waiting for someone to be her top.


Apr 25, 2014 6:40pm

I'd also like to know this. Haha.


Apr 26, 2014 5:15pm

Collarme is a place to check but yes..MANY of the people there are fake or wannabees.

Fetlife is more community based..less people looking to date and more finding people that understand the way you work and sharing. It can be tough in the mainstream world..because both Doms and subs are seen as deviants in many aspects.. When in fact we are as much human as anybody else.

We laugh or roll our eyes at the loads of kitten videos on Youtube, We listen to old school rock and jam out with a air guitar solo. We relish Cheesecake and Steak:) We are people as much as anybody else is.

A D/s relationship is still a relationship. Search the sites..find people that supplement you.

Just because somebody is a Dom or a sub doesnt mean they are right for you or you for them.

For those looking for information on the lifestyle..Google it..its out there..and the extremes are there also..same as for anything.


Look at politics..a person can go from extreme right to extreme left or somewhere in between.

A D/s can also go across the spectrum. So find a person that fits many aspects..NOT just their sexual or lifestyle preference.


And yes most Doms do not go around telling people they are a Dom.. most Doms have certain personality traits. A leader type personality..who doesnt demand people follow them because they are a Dom..people follow them because they are smart, sure of themselves, and lead well.


My 2 cents


May 13, 2014 12:17am

I am usually verbose, and most everyone touched upon a number of points I would have written a book on. Thus I will keep it short and try and add practical suggestions and helpful hints not already mentioned above.


Step 1.) Join fetlife

Step 2.) Fill out your complete profile adding kinks and a few "writings".

Step 3.) Add more then 10 photographs of you (skip the nude pictures, unless you are going for quantity not quality).

Step 4.) Invite a trusted friend in the same city/town as you to join fetlife and have them do the above, and list them as your "protector" (or do a search and find a trusted friend you didn't realize was on fet! Ideally they should appear well-known and respected in the local community). Again this is if you are going for quality not quantity.

Step 5.) Search around profiles you like while being very picky. Don't just send a friend request... Make a comment on writings within their profile. They will see it, and chances are they will write to you after checking out your profile.

Step 6.) Write them a message (optional if they don't write back), and be selective who you write back to when checking your inbox. You will get plenty to choose from (or even better, the only ones that go through proper etiquette will likely be worth writing to).

Step 7.) Vet the person. By that I mean write to anyone listed on their pages, or any friends they appear to interact with and ask about said person. Ask honestly if you feel they might be able to fit the needs you have.

Step 8.) Enjoy the conversations with them, and when it feels natural meet in a public place such as a munch or coffee. See if the chemistry is there and talk at lengths of personal experiences and desires.

Step 9.) Put in writing clear expectations and wants from the relationship.

Step 10.) Enjoy, adapt, grow, experience.


I say all of this not because fetlife is an ultra seedy place, rather each of these steps are great filters that will further distill the choices and make clear the gems from the horn-balls.


Being picky is a good thing, and no need to compromise in places like fetlife (or okcupid for that matter).

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