Is there anything particularly negative about my profile?



Jul 13, 2013 12:11am

Hi all

I've been on here for 3 months and no real joy so far. I send out lots of messages but very rarely hear back from people.

I always send nice messages, asking questions, laid back, nothink typically blokey and offensive. But then the person I message will view my profile and not get back to me. If they don't fancy me then that's fair enough! But I get the feeling there is something on my profile which turns people off? It's like I accidentally wrote "By the way, I am a total d*ck!" (which I'm not) on my profile without realising it.

Also considering getting A-list to see if my messages have been read. Not sure if that works for old messages but it would be nice to know. Does A-List also let you message a full inbox? How can you tell if someones inbox is full?

Thanks all! Any advice appreciated :)


Jul 13, 2013 12:43am

It sounds like you just need to lower your expectations. It's hard getting responses on this site.  Any little thing could kill your chances with a given girl.

None of these are universal red flags, but your heavy interest in video games, smoking habit (especially pot), lack of religion, dislike of cats, disinterest in children and the beard are all things that could doom you with certain girls. You're also apparently a cheap tipper (10% or less, really?), don't like to say I love you often, think drug use can be romantic, and think telling someone your feelings is better than showing them.

I'm not saying you need to change any of this. You should stay truthful, and there are plenty of women who would go for all of that. But just realize that it doesn't take much for a woman to move on to the next guy.

Also, I wouldn't bother with A list. If they visited your profile, you know they read your message. If they don't visit it then they're either browsing anonymously, not particularly active, or they just weren't intrigued enough to even go that far with you and you should move on from them. You don't need A list to tell you any of that. If there was an issue with the site like a full inbox and they didn't read it, there's not much you can do about that, with or without A list.



Jul 13, 2013 12:53am

Hey asudevil16.

thanks for your honesty! it is very much appreciated. also made me chuckle a little reading that back about myself.

There's some things there that could change, some that won't! My beard is a part of me and I shall never let it go! As for the tipping, maybe I am cheap but I'm English and tipping is different here than in the states (I presume that's where you hail from?).

Also, as I read some of the questions you picked up on, I wonder if I need to revisit some questions, I have answered many and sometimes I can be a bit slap dash. Like the "don't like saying I love you". When I think about it I do, but in my last relationship (of 4 years) it wasn't something my Ex liked me saying a lot so I guess I became a bit conditioned to that.

But thanks for all your thoughts, all sound advice. especially A-list, I don't think I'll bother with that.

Anyone else? I do appreciate constructive criticism


Jul 13, 2013 1:01am

As for the tipping, maybe I am cheap but I'm English and tipping is different here than in the states (I presume that's where you hail from?).

Actually I was thinking about that haha. I admit I'm not at all familiar with the norm over there. If you ever find yourself on a dinner date with an American girl you might want to explain that one though.


Jul 13, 2013 1:33am

Yeah that's a good shout. Actually, meeting an American/Canandian girl is higher on my list that a British one so my have to change my values/generosity!


Jul 13, 2013 2:15am

You have two big problems

1) You're boring.

2) You claim to be a nice guy.

In the eyes of women, either makes you worse than Hitler.



Jul 13, 2013 2:35am

Thanks for the comments DiscoJer

yeah I wasn't sure about the nice guy comment. that may have to go.

as for the boring. well I can't change who I am. Just because i'm not one of these people who have traveled the globe or goes out clubbing every weekend doesn't make me boring. Perhaps being a synth geek musician isn't as cool or exciting as being an awesome guitarist but what can you do right?!

I'd rather be honest with how I spend my time right now, not necessarily how I might spend it in the future with a significant other. But perhaps I'm not getting that across.


Jul 13, 2013 4:14am

Sometimes it's not that your profile says anything bad so much as that it doesn't say anything particularly good. Bear in mind that there are a lot of profiles out there, and it's very easy to click on the the next one if you don't see anything that appeals, so you need to find a way to stand out a bit. So it's a god idea to look at the profiles of a load of guys in your demographic, so you can see what clichés they all include (and avoid them), what makes you roll your eyes the 15th time you read a variation on the same thing, and what marks someone out as memorable and interesting.

Having said that, a few notes;

Your photos could do with a re-think; what do you want your pictures to say about you? At the moment, the first few tell us the shape of your nose and the arrangement of your features, but not much more (and the second one is unflattering, I'd get rid of it entirely), but they don't really tell us anything about your life. The last two do tell us a bit about your life, but the captions suggest they tell us about the way your life used to be rather than the way it is now.

I would avoid saying that you don't have female friends, or saying that you spend most of your time playing video games with your male friends and housemates; it makes you sound like you might need training, and very few women want to do that! And in general, use the "Message me if" section to talk about what you're looking for, rather than doing that in your self-summary.

The summary as it stands lists some facts about you; that's not terribly interesting and doesn't really give much of an impression of your personality. Try throwing in an anecdote or two to illustrate the kind of person you are; show, don't tell! So for example, don't talk about having a sense of humour; be funny!

There's some general profile advice here, a lot of which may be helpful.

It's also worth considering your messages; I know you say they're not offensive, but again, it's not enough not to have anything bad in there; you need to make sure they're interesting, so that the people you write to _want_ to reply to you. There's some general advice on messages here, or you could post some examples in this thread for some pointers.


Jul 13, 2013 4:38am

Thanks so much Sushibitch, some really great advice there. I'll take it all on board and get to re-working things! really appreciate it


Jul 13, 2013 7:17am

Yeah definitely get rid of the nice guy comment. Even if you are one, as Queens of the Stone Age once said, don't tell anyone.


Jul 13, 2013 7:53am

Whatever you dooo-ooo-ooo! love that song :)


Jul 13, 2013 9:24am

I agree that you need better pictures.  And I agree that for some people the beard can be a turn-off.  It seriously reminds me of Phillip Zimbardo (a famous psychologist here in the US who has a bad reputation.)  If you don't want to get rid of it entirely, maybe consider a different style.  And then again, this may just be my own issue. 

One thing I noticed, and I wouldn't necessarily change it on your profile is that it doesn't seem like you've had a lot of stability in the last 5 years.  So if a girl is looking to "settle down" she may get turned off by the amount of moving around you've done.  Are you planning to stay in Oxford for the foreseeable future?

Again, this may be a *me* issue but when a guy admits to gaming a lot it can give me pause because of experiences I've had in the past where the guy doesn't pay attention to me b/c he's playing a video game.  Every once in a while that's fine, but not all the time.  You don't have to change this part of your profile, I'm just removing the filter and letting you know what makes me go "hmm...moving on."  Do keep in mind that you can be a perfectly nice guy but you are going to get judged through the lens of what someone brings to your profile. 

Take this paragraph out:  "
I love having female contact in my life as I've always gotten on well with girls. I like going out and doing/seeing things but also adore chilling out at home, talking, watching great films and cuddling with a significant other."  It's very generic and doesn't give me any information about you.  Either that, or expand it.  Make it much more specific.  Where do you like going out?  What kinds of things do you like to do?  What kinds of things do you like to see?  What do you consider great films?  

In your self-summary take out what you do for your job.  You mention it again under "What I'm doing with my life."  No need for the redundancy.

Also, shouldn't it be Four Non-Blondes?  You currently have it as "None."

Give me a little more about the type of girl you are looking for.  So far I know that you're looking for a girl who is a gamer, non-religious, and liberal.  By the time I reach the end of your profile, *I* know whether *I* want to write *you.*  Now I'm asking myself if *you* want to hear from *me.*  

One more thing.  It feels like you started off strong in your profile but then ran out of steam.  You start off writing paragraphs and by the end of your profile you're writing one, maybe two sentences.  Try to even it out.  I got the feeling that you got bored filling out your profile. 


Jul 13, 2013 9:35am

Phillip Zimbardo (a famous psychologist here in the US who has a bad reputation.)

I never heard anyone say he was a bad guy himself. The Stanford Prison Experiment was pioneering and opened people's eyes to something important about human psychology. And his marshmallow experiment is equally foundational in its importance to our understanding today.

Also, Zimbardo somehow manages to pull off his devil-beard, but I agree it's no easy feat to pull off.


Jul 13, 2013 10:51am

IDK, in all my psychology classes it was like "don't be like him.  He has serious ethical issues."  And I saw *so* many videos of him trying to defend himself as to why he continued the prison experiment even after it went bad.  He was definitely used as a cautionary tale of what not to do. 


Jul 13, 2013 11:15am

I'm very lucky to have a great group of friends but unfortunately my friendship group is severely lacking in female counterparts right now so that's part of the reason I'm here!

I'm open to meeting loads of new kinds of people but I guess I'm predominantly looking for someone to spend a long time with, get to know and really enjoy being around. I typically go for Brunettes but I don't discriminate! An interest in music and or gaming is a plus but not essential. I'm not a massive traveler but would love to find someone to share some experiences to a few choice locations!

I love having female contact in my life as I've always gotten on well with girls. I like going out and doing/seeing things but also adore chilling out at home, talking, watching great films and cuddling with a significant other.

I am willing to travel to meet :)

forge_13, all of this could be written differently and condensed so you don't sound so desperate for women. You don't need to repeat that you are looking for women so many times.

Women are smart enough to know you are looking for them by seeing the fact your sexual orientation is straight on your profile - they don't need much more information than that to figure that. Beyond that and you begin to sound desperate and that is very unattractive. 

So, don't repeat words like female, women, girls etc...they are unnecessary. And, I don't know if you are doing this on purpose or by accident, but it might not be a good idea to refer to women today as females or girls as that can make you sound like someone to your readers who doesn't feel that women are equal to you or men in general. If you believe in man dominated relationships - you might want to just to say so or something similar rather than make some of your readers feel offended by your choice of words.

You really don't say much of anything that you are looking for in a woman in those statements as none of them are firm declarations of what you are looking for. You make everything optional which leads me to believe that you are desperate for any woman. Another turn-off. You can't be indecisive here - you need something firm to what you are looking for, so women have something to grasp onto - you can always change it. 

If you don't have anything to add to your profile like what kind of food is your favorite - just leave it out. You will be taken more seriously as someone to date than mentioning that you have a bland food palette in your profile. 

I know you like video games and music, but honestly you are better off - not repeating those throughout your profile, but just making the point clear that you like those in your self-summary or what you are doing with your life and leaving out of the rest of your profile and talking about other things besides the same thing over and over again. 

Video games are hard to pull off properly because many people here love to game - it is best to use other connections besides gaming to get with female gamers, so you will be noticed. Once you get their attention then you can talk about gaming - until then it isn't very recommended due to too many gamers online and you won't attract much attention. 

Music is a good one - you can attract a lot of attention there.

Most religious should leave you alone because you mentioned atheist in your sidebar. But you can avoid both that and right wingers by answering match questions to get them to score low matches with you, so they won't waste their time and answer a lot of those to be safe. 


Jul 13, 2013 12:06pm

Hi everyone

thanks for all the feedback, it's been a great help. I've been working on my profile, it's still definitely a work in progress but I've taken on the suggestions. A few new pics up now too.

I won't get involved in the Zimbardo discussion! But let me know if anyone else has any thoughts :)


Jul 13, 2013 3:48pm

 And I saw *so* many videos of him trying to defend himself as to why he continued the prison experiment even after it went bad.  He was definitely used as a cautionary tale of what not to do.

Well, true, but he's been very open about the fact that he made mistakes; that he got too personally involved in the Prison experiment and that he should have called a halt much earlier; that in fact he only called a halt to it when his then-research assistant (and now wife) stepped in. So not so much him defending himself as him saying very frankly that he was wrong. I think everyone would agree that the SPE was a mistake but also a ground-breaking study which has been hugely informative and influential, but I don't know of any other black marks against him, and he's done some really cool and really important work since then.


Jul 13, 2013 4:25pm

@ Sushibitch, true that.

@ forge_13...your profile is much better. :) 


Jul 13, 2013 10:16pm

Thanks! :)


Jul 14, 2013 6:54am

Are you also a big Queens of the Stone Age fan?

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