Nov 18, 2008 7:36am read correctly.
In my group of friends, I'm infamous for having the most obscene amount of horrendous dates of anyone imaginable.
This may be because of my not-so-stringent standards; I pretty much give everyone a chance, provided we have at least two things in common, I think they're at least marginally attractive, and they're not a Juggalo (a Juggalette) or illiterate.
About a year ago, I met Oscar while I was giving a speech at this program I had completed a few months earlier. I felt really frumpy that day, and I couldn't show any cleavage (obviously), so I wasn't even thinking of attracting anyone.
At the bus stop, he stopped me and "spit his game" (his words). He wasn't really my type - gangsta, pants below his waist, and obviously into mainstream rap...bleh. But I try not to stereotype and besides, after he stopped trying so hard, we began talking about Sylvia Plath, Keates, so I was intrigued.
The first time he came over my house, he told me his whole life-story about how he was in the foster-care system, growing up in the "ghetto," and other unsavory things. It was sort of touching that he trusted me enough to share those things, but I was kind of put off by it; not really first date material.
We go into my house, and after some intellectual seduction on his part (which always gets me...damn!), we started making out furiously for about 4-5 hours...I REALLY like kissing. So much so, that when we come up for air, he had missed his bus home. He crashed on my couch, and at 4 in the morning, I walked him to the bus-stop, where he recited some poetry for me, and went on his way.
First date = a solid A-!
The next date...not so much. He came back the next day, and met my family, well almost, we immediately proceeded to go to directly to my room, where we had a scintillating religious debate followed by more violent face-sucking, when all of the sudden, things start to get a little more...juicy.
...and not in a good way. The sheer amount and viscosity of his spit allowed so that at one point, I had to stop, and drop a healthy loogie-sized gob of it onto my rug. My face was absolutely COVERED in slime, and it didn't help that he grabbed my face...and licked a cow. Not the sexy Gwen Stefani "South Side" style - COW-STYLE.
After going to the bathroom and vigorously scrubbing my face, I return to my room, making sure to sit on the faaar opposite side, so he wouldn't be tempted to drown me in his saliva again. I attempted to start a new conversation and it somehow ventured into "what's-your-fantasy" territory...never good. Wherein, he started telling me things that began innocously enough, but soon began to reach depths you should never ever tell anyone...ever:
- "I want to have a threesome."
- "I've always wanted to try something with food."
- "I have a foot fetish...can I paint your toenails?"
- "My cousins are really is my aunt. She's pretty old, but she's really busty...I've always fantacized about have this big orgy with them."
- Oscar: "Can I suck on your tits and drink your milk?"
Me: "What?!"
Oscar: "They're so luscious..."
Me: "...but...I'm not pregnant."
Oscar: "So...?"
Me (flabbergasted/disgusted/hysterically amused look on my face): "Girls don't have milk unless they're pregnant!"
Oscar (you're-fucking-kidding-me face): "Nuh-uh?!"
...and the kicker... - "Amorous, I've always wanted to try know the feeling when you're having sex with someone and it's all warm and wet, and stuff? Well, I've always had this fantasy of making it even better. If we ever got to that point, you know...having sex. Do you think I can...pee inside you...while we're doing it?"
I thought I was going to die. Literally. I was laughing...SO HARD, I almost made a version of his fantasy come true and pissed MYSELF.
I was done at that point, but I was enraptured in this macabre fascination with this guy that I just had to let him stick around for at least the rest of the day to see what else he could possibly do.
And it turned out to be nothing...except be exceptionally rude to my mom and aunt, curse in front of them on the ride home on his cell-phone, saying he was with this "Hot-ass chick," and ask me to touch his dick...just once.
The sad thing is, this isn't the WORST date I've ever been on.
More to come...

Nov 18, 2008 7:38am

oh jesus. clearly this dude lost control of himself, let his penis take over his thought process.

Nov 18, 2008 7:40am

Yes! Please this is epic!! ROFLMAO!!!

Slobbery kissers are disgusting!

Nov 18, 2008 7:42am


Just.... Wow...


Nov 18, 2008 7:42am


Nov 18, 2008 7:52am

I love you? and I wish we we're friends IRL.

Nov 18, 2008 8:02am

That might be the greatest bad-date story I've ever read. :)

Nov 18, 2008 8:07am

Any man who wants it that wet should just learn how to make a woman have a g-spot orgasm.

Nov 18, 2008 8:08am


Nov 18, 2008 8:08am

O M F G ! On behalf of men, I'm sorry. He's got some ummmmm, SERIOUS issues that need years and years of therapy.

Nov 18, 2008 8:09am

We have some crazy messed up people out here in the east bay! For sure!

Nov 18, 2008 8:16am

OMG!!! That is so bad its comical, it has to be the worst date I have ever read about, but I shall await the rest of the story. *makes mental note, don't go out with guys like this*

Nov 18, 2008 8:56am

You met a guy at a bus stop?

Nov 18, 2008 9:04am

For reasons that escape me at the moment, probably some sense of fairness, I'm going to act in young man's defense. I'm not going to say that he didn't do wrong, but that he wasn't that far out of the norm.

First talking about you on the cell phone as if you weren't there. People much older and presumable much better educated than this fellow also seem to believe the world goes away when they in a cell phone conversation - that they are surrounded by a 'cone of silence'. The phenomena has been around longer than cell phones. I was a taxi driver for a while in my youth. People, especially women, would have conversations in the back of the cab they would never consider having in front of me on the street.

I remember having fantasy about pissing into women when I had my first erections, learned about women's plumbing, and Eisenhower was president. I don't recall if anything specific made those fantasies go away or if they just faded. I have to say I never tried but I'm almost certain it's not possible to to piss while erect. That's a good thing for all sorts of reasons. Maybe the fantasy is so ingrained evolution had to put in a valve.

The idea of getting milk from a woman's breast is probably so basic most of us have no recollection of thinking it, I don't. Given it would put us, men and women, back where we were warm, safe, and taken care of at our mothers' breast I bet sucking on nipples is a popular among lesbians as it is among straight guys.

This poor guy is trying to learn about sex and his sources are the guys he knows and the women he dates. If that doesn't create some sympathy for him ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you have no hearts.


Nov 18, 2008 9:05am


^^No, I met him at a speech I was giving, but I HAVE met a guy at a bus-stop before...

Full-time student. One of the best lays I've ever had.

True story.

Nov 18, 2008 9:10am

^ OH, COME ON! This guy was 19 years old! If he didn't know by then that a. You can't get milk from a woman's breast if she isn't pregnant, and b. you shouldn't say, "I want to pee inside you," then there is something seriously wrong with you!

Maybe this behavior could be deemed excusable if we was 9, but, honestly!

Wanting to suck on someone's nipples is just fine. Hell, dandy even, but not if you've only known them for three days, and you want milk from them.

Also, none of this is defensable. It's not too much to have the expectation that someone I go out with NOT curse in front of my family, regardless or not they believe they're in a "cone of silence," it's called being polite. And if you're on a date, you're SUPPOSED to be on your best behavior!

Fuckin' A!

Nov 18, 2008 9:14am

Well it seems all these dates have one thing in common: you.

Nov 18, 2008 9:17am

Bahahahaha... thank you for the story! (note to self, vagina peeing--not second-date topic material)

Nov 18, 2008 9:23am

^^ True. I really ought to feel guys out more before I just go out with them. I'm spontaneous, and I just like to go for it.

I certainly don't ILLICIT this kind of behavior, but it always seems to come to me. I think it's funny more than anything, though. It doesn't really bother me. ^_^

Nov 18, 2008 9:37am

Haha...Preacher_C is right in that it's basically impossible to piss when you're erect...and it stings like a bitch when you need to pee right after sex. However...I still think you should have let him try just to see what would happen. hahaha :D That's such an awesome story though. haha

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