Nov 29, 2012 9:31pm

WARNING:  post contains a challenge that perhaps even the writer must answer for, so try not to flame her personally.  thanks.

do you ever think that people who are really into this stuff have perhaps overemphasized and played out sex and romance in their lives, such that they have exhausted the 'normal' pleasures available to us all? and due to this they have had to extend the definitions of sex and romance to...whatever they read about online... and basically would have been better off finding some different hobbies to engage in outside the bedroom?


Nov 29, 2012 10:34pm

I think most people with fetishes just have them. It's not because they're bored with vanilla sex.

Polyamory is usually something people are naturally inclined towards as well, though I'm sure there are some people who try it because they're bored with monogamous dating.


Nov 29, 2012 10:34pm

To OP: No.

No, I do not think it's from playing out, etc. I think interest begins very early in life, even before a person may have experienced any romance/sex, etc.

Also think that many people realize the taboo associated with fetishes, etc, and if they can't/won't experiment with their interests, may divert that energy into other hobbies.

I have no research on this, jmho.


Nov 29, 2012 11:41pm

yes. basically boredom due to too much whoring around = need to find somethign else.

Nov 30, 2012 1:25am



Nov 30, 2012 9:12pm

I wouldn't say that it's boredom, but sexuality is something that some people ease into, and the more comfortable they become with their sexuality, the more aspects of it they are able to acknowledge and recognize. There are certain fetishes that I can remember having a fixation on even in childhood, but others came later, after a good deal of sexual experimentation, and sometimes clicked randomly after a period of time.


Dec 1, 2012 3:21am

No, They think that ordinary sex is too vanilla and do something about it!


Dec 1, 2012 9:24am

There are probably some wannabees, who want to be considered "cool," who do that.

But they're just posers.


Dec 9, 2012 10:12am

As a poly queer kinkster, to the op and @smashingmayo, and regading myself and most any of the perv/poly/kinksters/etc with whom i am personally acquainted, the answer is no. as well to the myriad of folks with whom i've discussed this sort of things in communities oriented toward kink et al, such as fetlife or kasidie. in particular to @smashingmayo, well, you appear to be entirely vanilla*, so how could you possibly even pretend to understand people who are entirely different than yourself?  some people come to poly or kink or fetish later in life, others feel it in their core as long as they can remember. the important point, though, is that it's more or less complete asinine bullshit to so broadly assert that it comes from promiscuity and boredom and assign that to a wide swath of people. I'm not going to speculate or make any assumptions about you or assign an entire sexual history to you to explain why you're only into high school chicks. i'm fine with accepting that as the reality of who you are. lots of guys are like that.

more politely to the OP, from endless online and in-person discussions on the matter, there are certainly folks who came to these things from a sense of boredom and lack of fulfillment, but my experience is that it's pretty universal that something got in their way of exploring what turns out to be a part of their nature. many of these things have "coming out" components to them. also, most folks aren't presented with any forms of alternative romance and sexuality as viable, healthy alternatives to the status quo, or worse, are taught from all sides that we're all sick and depraved etc etc etc so they don't even look into it. worse, they suppress their sexuality and end up in a cycle of denial and self-loathing, sometimes leading to violence.

*apologies if you're not vanilla and simply don't mention it in your profile, aside, of course, from only being interested in women (er, actually, girls) who are barely legal. that seventeen year age difference, you being twice their age, in and of itself is actually a well-documented, if obvious and pedestrian, kink. it could be that you also have a bit of a fetish for skinny body image girls as well as that ever popular impregnation fetish. in fact, is absolutely full of guys like you who only want girls half their age or greater and want to impregnate them.  literally, thousands and thousands. so you're actually quite a perfect example of a fetishist, at least from what you present on OKc. 


Dec 9, 2012 11:36am

Being into BDSM doesn't stem from "boredom" at all. I've been wired that way since I was a little kid, before I ever knew what sex, love, romance were all about. Most people I know who get into the lifestyle, and stay in it from that point on, say the same.


Dec 9, 2012 5:03pm

^&^^. These.


Dec 11, 2012 4:39am

and basically would have been better off finding some different hobbies to engage in outside the bedroom?

Even if such activities did derive from boredom or having played out vanilla activities, why should it be replaced with other pursuits? This implies that it is something that should be avoided if other options exist.


Dec 31, 2012 8:09am

Our case is pretty simple. We're both bi. If we committed to being monogamous that would mean we both agree to never do something we like again. Why should we deprive ourselves just because some closed-minded people think it's weird? Also, every straight and bi guy on the planet enjoys watching two women together. If they deny it, they're lying.


Dec 31, 2012 9:16am

I don't believe it's ever true to say "every" like that - especially "every man has the same opinion of me". You were probably making a joke, or just being hyperbolous for the sake of doing so. Absolutes are *never* true. Heh, see what I did there? :)

I enjoy seeing girl on girl, I guess. But only barely. I got over it a long time ago. It can be tremendously boring.

I like your other answer - that you're both bi - though. Bisexuality is not even remotely related to me being polyamorous. I was poly long long before I experimented and found that I was bi. One thing about it is that you're giving bisexuality as a reason for poly/fetish/BDSM (as per the OP). There are a tremendous shitload of bi people who are monogamous.  Just like a monogamous straight girl would give up something she may like - dating new guys, sex with new guys, sleeping around - for a big relationship or marriage or whatever, so do many millions of bi people. Any monogamous person gives up sex with other people when they commit to someone, presumably. Gender is only a piece of it. Someone straight and monogamous who commits to a redhead gives up sex with brunettes, for instance, when before they could have sex with any hair color and style they wanted!

Also, non-poly/kink bisexuals have quite a struggle against the very commonly held (and for some quite demeaning) stereotype that we're noncommittal and promiscuous. I'm certainly very much the latter, but that's from being a slut and a pervert, not from being a bisexual. If anything, being bisexual, for me, comes from being a slut and a pervert first and foremost! Commitment isn't a problem for me, though, within the boundaries of commitment of my own polyamory. Things like committing to (and even marrying, which I have done before) a primary partner, monogamous fluid-bonding, full emotional and temporal priority, various other things.

I *think* i wish everyone was like me, but they aren't.  Heh. 



Dec 31, 2012 11:17am

Also, every straight and bi guy on the planet enjoys watching two women together. If they deny it, they're lying.

I don't enjoy that, and I'm not lying. It just doesn't do anything for me. CLAIM DISPROVED.


Dec 31, 2012 9:34pm

Yeah about the absolutes almost always being false.

The people who just can't resist making such generalizations (including the OP) are generally not particularly open-minded themselves.

There are 7 billion people in the world. 'nuff said.


Dec 31, 2012 10:57pm

Not to be an apologist, especially given that I take slight exception to absolutisms, but I think that sometimes folks may utter them without so much believing in the actual absolute but rather because it's funny or something. Ya know?



Jan 1, 2013 3:24am

Right but it's awfully hard to ascertain such things in the dry and abstract world of the cyberverse, when we don't have clues like vocal inflection, glint in the eye and suchlike to help clue us in about the potentially ironic or humorous intent of the 'speaker' when they don't do anything to help us out in that regard, ie with the oft-hated emoticon..



Jan 1, 2013 1:42pm

Okay, yes, it was hyperbolic. So I guess I'll just retract and say those are MY reasons for being in an open relationship. Truthfully, even my girlfriend might not agree 100% with my reasons. When we first went out, she told me she was stuck in a horrible monogamous relationship for 9 years and never wanted to do it again. I said I was okay with that. 

The funny thing is, once we gave each other permission to see other people, it suddenly became way less important to both of us. We've been together a year and I've fooled around with one guy since we've been together, and I think she once sort of made out with someone else in the early stages of our relationship. But it's not as much of a priority as either of us thought because we are so in love with each other. It's still nice having the option, but it's not like I'm saying everyday I need to go suck some cock, you know? 


Jan 1, 2013 3:53pm


The funny thing is, once we gave each other permission to see other people, it suddenly became way less important to both of us.


Which is exactly why the absolutes are silly.

Sadly, it's also one of the most annoying stereotypes amongst the vanilla world, that if a person is "bisexual", that they can't be monogamous or maintain fidelity to an exclusive partner.

Totally stupid idea. That's like saying that if a male is heterosexual, they can't possibly be faithful to their wife because they are ALWAYS wanting to have sex with ALL FEMALES.


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