Jan 22, 2013 12:02pm

I recently had a discussion with a coworker whom also has an account about how he IMs and it works very well for him. during the discussion I took note that the exact same women were available for him to IM while my client showed that IMs were off. We continued looking and essentially 95% of the profiles that showed IM on for him showed IM off for me.

Why is that?!

I guessed that maybe women could filter whether the IM balloon was on according to some criteria, but then saw that I have no filtering available myself. It is either set to on or off. Then we guessed that maybe it was a A+ feature, but surely the majority of women have a free account in a city with a m/f ratio as bad as mine.

So, I still want to know. Why do IMs show ON for him and OFF for me when looking at the exact same person's profile? They have no history. I can't figure it out.





Jan 22, 2013 1:05pm

You can set filters for IM, it's in the settings section. Or

Personally, I almost never see it on for any woman on this site, but do see it for most men (who don't apparently set their filters), like next to your name on the post right now.


Jan 22, 2013 1:23pm

Thanks. Looked over the list and I don't see anything that could possibly be filtering me out that would not filter him out also, except age. He is 34 and I am 36. I wouldn't be surprised if 35 was a popular cut off number. I really figured smoking would be what filtered me out, but it isn't listed as an option.



Jan 22, 2013 1:41pm

FWIW, Mega, I see that your IM chat bubble is on. I leave mine on ALL THE TIME, with no filters that I know of.  Does it show it's on for you? Could it be the browser you use?


Jan 22, 2013 1:44pm

Shows on for you. It has to be some filter. Maybe I'll got and alter my Q&As to get 100% matches and be as liberal as possible for a day for testing.


Jan 22, 2013 1:47pm

I wouldn't waste my time on that. If they're interested in you, they will find a way to talk to you. :)


Jan 22, 2013 1:58pm

That's a woman's perspective. From a male point of view, when having to complete with 50000 other men online, one goes about it as though women don't know what interesting is, until they meet you. Women on here will toss you aside for wearing a green shirt vs a white one or because you don't like musical group <insert name here>. As a male online, you have to use every tool available just to get the few that you can, then meet them, and then decide if you can tolerate them. The alternative is being dateless and going back to the bars for sources of female companionship. At least in my city.





Jan 23, 2013 1:13am


There are various reasons that IM may not be available at all or with certain users here:

  1. Your account is very new (new accounts have communication restrictions)
  2. You have done something which caused OkCupid's automated systems to flag your account as a possible scammer or spammer. (Hint: don't send boilerplate messages to tons of women, and keep it clean)
  3. People are using IM filters to filter on things like age, match questions, match percentages, age of account, etc etc etc.
  4. The people have either blocked or hidden your profile.
  5.  Other reasons I can't think of right now.



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