Apr 30, 2009 3:15am

Really this is just a collection of writings from the old Wikipedia entry that deal with the Taken in Hand (TiH) ideas. Not that I totally agree with everything I do think it’s a good place to start as an introduction to the TiH relationship concepts. Sexual Dynamics The sexual dynamic of TiH relationships tends to be more "vanilla" than in BDSM relationships. Although the female partner will almost invariably be submissive and passive to the will and wishes of the male, it is not a ubiquitous part of the relationship to have preferences such as humiliation, leather and pain, though it is entirely possible for a relationship to be TiH overall and have BDSM or sexual elements as well, and indeed this is quite common.

 Although discipline (“Spanking”) in TiH relationships has its own non-erotic context literally as discipline for transgression, it is fairly commonly used in an erotic manner by TiH couples.   Non-Sexual Dynamics TiH relationships outside of the bedroom are intense, indeed most TiH relationships exist between couples who are married or de-facto married, usually the former.

 In most ways TiH could be and often is regarded as a traditional or old-world marriage, and many conventional marriages do fit unknowingly into the TiH dynamic. 

Major factors in the everyday life of the relationship are the submission by the woman to the man's will. To what extent and which areas this covers vary from couple to couple and varies from a general avoidance of conflict by letting the male a partner “get his own way” to almost complete submission to the preferences of the man in matters such as clothing, friendships with others, styling of hair and many other things. It is quite common in TiH relationships that the woman will generally curtail her social life significantly so as devote more time to the relationship.

 Discipline is a fairly major aspect of TiH relationships and is used by the man on the woman to either punish a transgression (flagrant disobedience, arguing etc.) or as a means to end an unending dispute. In this context it is intended to be un-erotic and not desired (though not non-consensual). Somewhat confusingly it is still commonly referred to as “spanking”, since the physical action usually is precisely that.

 Unlike BDSM Master/slave relationships, the woman in a TiH relationship is not regarded in any way as owned property. However many women in TiH relationships feel that a strong feeling of possessiveness and protectiveness by the man for the woman is an essential ingredient of the relationship. This does not however extend to a concept of being owned property.

 Although it is often said that not all TiH women are submissive, and not all TiH men dominant, it is generally accepted that a large proportion of both do regard themselves as such.
   Within the Context of BDSM Unlike some BDSM, TiH relationships are strictly “real life” rather than consisting of negotiated scenes. Whilst many BDSM activities take place mostly within the bedroom or the “Scene” (parties, clubs etc.) TiH relationships place a great deal of emphasis of everyday and “vanilla” submission to the authority of the male as “Head of Household” (HoH) in a committed and long term relationship. Generally the male partner is expected to be the final decision maker in most matters, and the female is expected to defer to him. This is generally regarded as being for the ultimate benefit of the relationship in reducing conflict and fostering closeness and trust.

 Like BDSM, many TiH relationships feature physical discipline (“Spanking”). For many this, as in BDSM, has an erotic attraction, however it is also used by most in a consensual but non-erotic way to punish transgressions by the female, and to encourage obedience.

 Theatrics such as costumes and props are not an essential component of TiH relationships, though again they are not mutually exclusive.
   The Issue of Consent Consent is a major issue in TiH relationships. Similar to some D/s relationships in BDSM, there is often blanket consent, when at the beginning of the relationship there is an understanding that this is the kind of relationship both parties really want, and consent is given for all or most things that the relationship entails, much like old-world marriage vows. There is also a strong idea of “Consensual nonconsensual”, particularly when discipline is involved. There is much debate over exactly where the lines are drawn concerning this and quite what it encompasses but the general idea includes both “Consent through silence” (very common in TiH relationships in the “I actually disapprove but I will say nothing so as not to be disobedient” context) style of consent and the idea that although on the surface a woman may say no, on a deeper level and from the beginning of the relationship consent genuinely was present, and on that deeper level is still strongly given. The issue remains thorny, more outside of the TiH world than within it however. To outsiders, TiH relationships are often regarded as old fashioned and sometimes even abusive or exploitative.   Diversity Although TiH is defined as monogamous and heterosexual, there is some interest in the dynamics of the relationship being applied to same-sex relationships, where one partner is the dominant partner and the other the submissive partner regardless of actual gender. Not universally accepted within the TiH world the dynamic has nonetheless been exported, particularly to the butch/femme community, where D/s relationships have long been comparatively common. And there is also some evidence that there are elements of the swinging community who use the ideas of TiH within a relationship but exclude the elements of monogamy in its strictest terms.    

Apr 30, 2009 3:43am

Ooops Formating Sorry I can work out the cut and paste for this site

Apr 30, 2009 5:14am

Or you could just link people to takeninhand.com and ask what they think.

It's a little too "our kink is not a kink, it's a SACRED PACT" for my taste; I've enjoyed the dialog there about rape fantasies, but OTK/spanking/DD does very little for me.

In short, "take or leave."


Jul 4, 2009 2:13pm

TiH is a heterosexual, monogamous relationship style focusing on a consensual mutual partnership where the female partner concedes to the male partner when they cannot find a compromise. They each have clearly defined roles within the relationship and they BOTH decide what is best for that relationship to succeed. It is all about the success of the family unit.

You did fail to mention that one element of TiH is the 'maintenance' spankings. This is usually the time when the bonding is accomplished. Usually scheduled from once a week to once a month, usually results in coitus, and always gets the females mind to 'focus' on him and the relationship while he remembers that she needs him to lead. It is a loving time usually with open-handed 'spanks' and rubs. It is meant to be loving and rejuvenating. It is meant for him to exert his dominant role and for her to remember her submissive role. But most importantly, they are coming together.

Most couples discontinue spanking with the hand for punishment for the message is too often made obscure. So, corner time and/or a paddle, hairbrush or other implement is then used for 'punishment' which occurs after the male has had a chance to discuss the situation with the female and it is understood what went wrong and why. If punishment is necessary then they usually have adopted what works best for them whether paddle, corner time, essays or a combination.

The whole point is that there is so much put upon us, male and female, by society that our primary relationship almost always suffers. In a TiH relationship, (as in other similar type relationships... LDD (Loving Domestic Discipline), HoH or D/s (Dominance/submission) the male is given a chance to remember HIS role in HER life. He is there to guide and nurture and protect just as she is there to be a helpmate, comfort him, and keep the home fire burning so he wants to be there. She needs his attention and affection while he needs her understanding and support.

Basically, they learn what each needs from the other to have a successful relationship and they give it.

It's not for everyone the same as anything else. It's just another viable concept, as proven by the sites popularity, to help couples maintain their relationship in a way that works for them... not their friends and peers.


Jul 4, 2009 2:30pm

is there any reason why this is all Male dominant? not that it appeals in the slightest to me. I don't want to be possessed or protected even in the most loving fashion. and any one that goes to spank me with discipline rather than sex in mind is in for a surprise.

I want a partner who will take me to the edge of the cliff, then jump with me.  sometimes me pulling them off, sometimes them pulling me off. sometimes one pushing the other. sometimes merely  holding tight to each other and falling.

Don't see the appeal of rules and discipline



Jul 4, 2009 3:25pm

Sounds like sexist bullshit to me. The whole idea makes me want to gag.


Jul 4, 2009 3:36pm

I can see the appeal for some folk in it- but I do not see it as necessarily healthy in the long run. To fall in the pattern of assent by silence in particular is an open door to abuse.

Such relationships demand balanced mental health or else they can become unbalanced.

And quite frankly, I've yet to meet a male to whom I could defer judgment in all matter with trust it was justified to do so. Just because I will assume the submissive role in bed sports does not mean I will in all matters. Ain't found a guy yet worthy of that.


Jul 4, 2009 3:46pm

quite frankly, I've yet to meet a male to whom I could defer judgment

That's exactly what makes me a frustrated sub type, I haven't found a man yet that can top my mind enough for me to let him top my body.



Jul 4, 2009 3:51pm

ever tried a woman?


Jul 4, 2009 3:51pm

I can see that for some people the setting in place of rules like this may help them to maintain a relationship. However, having said that, i agree with both Merry927 and Floweringthorn, I don't see this as a form of relationship that would appeal to mentally healthy adults.

Disagreeing and the compromise that is needed to get around the disagreements is all part of a normal healthy relationship.

I don't see a problem with spanking as part of sex, if thats what the spankee likes, but not as a form of regular discipline to help keep one partner subservient to another.


Jul 4, 2009 4:00pm

It's not that there aren't smart guys out there, but few are smart enough to know they don't know EVERYTHING and solve all the problems on their own without input or at listening to input when they have asked for it.

Solving a practical problem or accomplishing a task together smoothly and harmoniously makes me ready to accomplish other things smmothly and harmoniously, if you get my drift.

I used to do lightboard/stage manage for community theater for the complex cue shows- like musicals. My panties would no longer be band box fresh after a good show due to the great ensemble work. Acting would do that too, with a great cast- Dancing at Lughnassa was very stirring...


Jul 4, 2009 4:05pm

ever tried a woman?

I have. She was/is truly lovely but her lack of penis proved to be a problem for me :)


Jul 4, 2009 4:17pm

I' enjoy the company of women, but when it comes to sex, it's like a null happens. No turn on or turn off. Completely neutral, like trying to feel sexual about... a rock. (Hard to find something to not have something sexual connected.)


Jul 4, 2009 4:44pm

So.. how is this differnt then other 'pre-women's-lib' structures with a little romantaized bdsm tacked on?

The site reads like someone trying to push thier own pop-psychology by repackaging existing structures under a new label, add some go-faster-strikes, and hoping to make a name for themselfes.

I can see why wikipedia deleted the article.


Jul 4, 2009 4:52pm

You can not make a healthy relationship by cutting off one person's growth.


Jul 4, 2009 4:53pm

I have to agree with the other posters; it seems to be one of those things that would interest emotionally damaged types more than it would successful, dynamic individuals with a few kinks on the side. It's not too far (in my view, not far enough) from how cults work. I wonder how many people would go into a relationship with such an imbalance of power and not have overbearing freudian issues?


Jul 4, 2009 5:09pm

Surely "imbalance of power" is the whole point of D/s?

We are not all switches!!


Jul 4, 2009 5:19pm

Being a switch and being an equal partner in a relationship aren't the same thing. Wanting to remove mature responsibility permanently from your adult life is something else entirely to indulging in a bit of kink, and a lot more creepy than people having fun flogging one another or whatever.


Jul 4, 2009 5:39pm

Sometimes an imbalance of power inside the bedroom addresses one outside the bedroom- like the sterotype of the powerful exec who wants a domne to make him whimper like a baby.

Other times, it is only the sexual part that responds and a more eglitarian approach is needed in the everyday.

Each individual has to be able to live his or her own life, even when partnered, even when partnered with someone who is dominant in both in and out of the bedroom.  Forget that- and abuse is always around the corner.


Jul 5, 2009 1:34am

Free will is such a bitch.

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