Jan 16, 2009 8:04pm

Wiki this if you don't know the background. If you think someone you love has it, you are in for a long haul and you need the patience of a proverbial saint. I spent a year with a girl who is afflicted with this mental illness. A truly frustrating experience that became dangerous to me and herself (suicidal behavior, hitting me, lashing out) and then the single best girlfriend I had on the other side of the coin. This isn't bipolar disorder, a similar ballgame, just played on another field. Nor it is some Freud bullshit, it's real and it's bizarre. So I'm left with a broken heart and she is off to do some more damage to her life. Also, our mental health system in this country is in shambles, a disgrace that puts us way behind most of the industrialized world. Just wondering if anyone else has a girl/boyfriend who this and how it ended up.

Jan 16, 2009 8:14pm

Good of you to recognize this in such a mature way, and sorry to hear you've had to experience it. BPD is considerably complex group of problems and you're right, it is frustrating (if not impossible) trying to relate with people who have it. Because of my own misinformation, until relatively recently I haven't had much respect for people with the condition. This is pretty common among healthcare practitioners. Unfortunately, despite some advances in the last decade or so, we still have a lot to learn about how to effectively conceptualize and treat people with this illness, and the system is far from accomodating the scope of research necessary to really address it.

Jan 16, 2009 8:18pm

Actually it is pretty common for men to have dated BPD women through internet sites. There really is no treatment for it since it is their personality and part of the disorder involves idolizing people ("my new BFF" who they just met) and then devaluing them (hate them, they are the worst person ever) so they never stick with therapy. There are no meds, but some may help some of the symptoms such as impulsivity or depression. A very high percentage of women with BPD were sexually abused as kids. Many stalkers have BPD since it is considered an attachment disorder...they attach to someone very quickly and can't let go. A big red flag is the early attachment...wanting to rush the relationship, in addition to a history of drama, difficulty with relationships of any kind (friends, relatives, neighbors), rapid mood shifts, and the most disturbed are cutters. My suggestion would be NOT to start a relationship like this. They are not going to change. You can't fix them and they will make your life a living hell. Sounds cold, but that is the reality. Mental health professionals cringe when they hear they are getting a borderline patient/client. If the trained professionals can't manage, how can you expect to?

Jan 16, 2009 8:22pm

It's complex and really kept me on my toes intellectually and in many ways has made me a much better person (patience and empathy). I had to cut myself out of the relationship because I couldn't be dragged down into her abyss. She is stunningly beautiful and has zero friends or family in her life except the new girl who doesn't know what she just bought into. No one can deal with her longer than a few months, so I guess I did ok to last a year. She spent over a week on a ward at one point. They really didn't know what to do. She WANTS to be helped but then spirals out of control. Drugs aren't the ONLY answer as it is their behavior that needs to be changed (being able to manipulate people, change their mood at their whim is some proof of this).

Jan 16, 2009 8:25pm

Throw bipolar people in a meat grinder. Let's make sausage -- also bipolar, but much more convenient.

Jan 16, 2009 8:32pm

I didn't date her through the net I actually knew her for quite a while 'in real life' before I started to date her. I actually tried to talk her out of becoming my girlfriend but she insisted. Ah, the male ego, such an easy downfall. But your description hit the nail on the head. Thanks.

Jan 16, 2009 8:40pm

Susanmaryfrnces, please don't spread misinformation. I happen to know quite a bit about BPD and I've never heard it referred to as an "attachment disorder" nor have I heard of idolization of other people being a symptom. There is indeed treatment available to people who suffer from BPD. I would urge anyone who wants to learn more to look up Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and Marcia Linehan. Many people who suffer from BPD are also helped by taking antidepressants. Not all who suffer from BPD are cutters or stalkers, nor have they suffered sexual abuse in their childhoods. Any trained professional who can't "manage" treating someone with BPD has no business being in the healthcare field. On a personal note, someone with your biased personality type shouldn't be teaching students in a special education program. Wake up, join the 21st century and put some love in your heart for your fellow human beings.

Jan 16, 2009 8:55pm

@devil: My last gf had/has BPD and I completely understand. I dated her on and off for a little more than a year, the first half of which was equal parts heaven and hell. For that first part of our time together, she didn't know that she had BPD, and I actually arm chair diagnosed her after one of our many breakups. Apparently her shrink agreed and for a while she did some Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Things seemed to be calmer for a while... but, as always with someone with BPD, the calm never lasts. In the end, I finally had enough of the roller coaster, and told her I never wanted to speak to her again. It was really hard, even when you know what's going on. Whether they love you or hate you, everything is felt with such intensity. The good times could be so good that sometimes you delude yourself into thinking you can ride out any of the bad. You just keep waiting for the person that you care for to come back. But you can only take so much, right? (and I even studied psych in school so it's not like I was totally helpless). In the end, you gave it your all, and still hope for the best for her. But at the same time realize that there is no absolutely no way someone/something/anything that destructive can be a part of your life.

Jan 16, 2009 9:00pm

It's bad enough seeing BPDamaged people wreck other people's relationships.

Jan 16, 2009 9:04pm

anono -- Sounds pretty much what I had to go through and how I felt. You trick yourself into thinking you've learned more how to deal with it, that you need to stick by her because other people have abandoned her. It's a tragedy in the end because her parents were white trash pieces of shit who abused her for years.

Jan 16, 2009 9:20pm

Yes, susanmaryfrnces, don't spread your ill-knowledge and misinformation. Let JeanneLee spread hers instead. After all, you didn't say ALL BPD sufferers were cutters, stalkers or sexual abusers, you just mentioned that some of them are and JeanneLee ran with it. You also used the word "idolize" when you shold have said "idealize" so you're obviously a complete dolt to an expert like JeanneLee. In fact, she seems pretty angry about it. "...they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person..." "...a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day." - ( Perhaps the short burst of anger and the "personal note" from JeanneLee should be taken as a warning sign. Or we can hope she is really pissed and stays that way for weeks so we'll know it is safe to come out. And since anyone with a diagnosis and Google is now a freakin' expert in the field, susanmaryfrnces, you should keep your comments based on your experiences and opinion to yourself and let the REAL experts do all the talking for you. Like JeanneLee has done above so kindly, matter of fact. After all, your word is Gospel to those of us out here in Stupid-land and we will all rush to do exactly as you say instead of finding a REAL authority on the subject like, say, a trained mental health professional or even JeanneLee. (am I the only one who hears the choir of angels when her name is read?) We don't really want someone to talk to about it if they may share an opinion other than JeanneLee's. What could you possibly offer? Devilishone4u, you can't have an opinion on this either, even though it is your thread, as you obviously allow people with a "biased personality type" to post here. "Pot calling Kettle! Come in, Kettle!" And I was in a relationship much like yours, devilishone4u. We saw a counselor for a year and he suggested I look into it as she was displaying many of the classic signs and symptoms. He did NOT provide a formal diagnosis, obviously as he wasn't JeanneLee. In the end, there was more work than she was willing to commit to and it isn't a load you can carry for someone else. In the end, I chose to go to sleep, leave the 21st century behind and take some love out of my heart for some of my fellow human beings. And you know what? I've been sleeping better ever since!

Jan 16, 2009 9:40pm

My first real (sexually active) relationship was with a textbook BPD girl. It was lots of fun except for all the suicide threats and the fake pregnancy. But yeah, it sort of helped me in a way, it gave me years of experience with female craziness condensed into an intense crash course. In some way the relationship made sense though, because her intensity helped my depression and my analytical nature and overly logical rigid thinking provided her some stability.

Jan 16, 2009 9:48pm

All the BPDs I've ever dated were male. I've known quite a few of both genders. It's all a part of being Fandom. We tend as a group to attract the borderline types. (And the types who are 43, still live with their parents, and have never learned to drive or held a job... ANYway...)

Jan 16, 2009 9:54pm

The guy who started this post has obviously been throught a difficult relationship and needs some helpful information. Why bother to post in this thread if all you want to do is belittle people?

Jan 17, 2009 2:58am

Lurkerq, is there a good reason why you think it is fit to take out your vitriol on other posters here when it is perfectly possible to disagree without being insulting?

Jan 17, 2009 4:10am

My ex had been previously diagnosed bi-polar, but after doing some research - I think he fits borderline personality disorder better... is this often the case?

Jan 17, 2009 4:21am

A person with borderline personality disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms: Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment; A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation; Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self; Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating); Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior; Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days); Chronic feelings of emptiness; Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights); Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

Jan 17, 2009 4:27am

Yeah, I saw that on Wiki too and thought it was my ex in every way. The bipolar entry said he'd have had manic/depressive states for weeks on end - but he was never that way - it was always super fast and much more reactive to outside things.

Jan 17, 2009 4:30am

All the police officers in Boston seem to have these problems. Not only are they all borderline, but they're iproud of it. They go around displaying their badges that say BPD. It's disturbing, but it really explains a lot.

but seriously I've been communicating for about 16 months with a woman I met through an aol chatroom. We chatted through Instant Message and e-mail for a year, then started talking on the phone in November.
She's been through a lot in her life. Abusive stuff.
She's also above average in looks.
The last two months have been stressful for her, and it seems the last 6 weekends she's lashed out at me with ridiculous accusations that she knows aren't true. And after each weekend we've ended up setting things right, it seemed. But then friday comes along and the ridiculous accusations come again.
It does require a lot of patience.
She knows she needs help. She also doesn't trust psychiatrists or medications, and I can't say she's wrong about that. There's way too much medicating going on in our society, to try to fix things that are based on traumatic experiences.

Jan 17, 2009 4:46am

Thank you for posting this thread, I think it's what I needed to be looking into.
Now how do I bring up the subject without getting her to take offense at it or react defensively?

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