I wrote these out last year, I think they kind of summarize how I try to approach life:
1) Follow the golden rule. Treat people well, be a good neighbor-friend-spouse-coworker-child-parent.
2) Don't lie to people, don't lie to yourself, seek the truth fearlessly.
3) Seek to improve yourself mentally and physically.
4) Base your decisions and beliefs on evidence. Seek the greatest good for the most people for the longest time.
5) Take care of other living things: plants and animals.
6) Enjoy nature: sunsets, lakes, trees, mountains, snow, rain, sunshine, fish, birds, animals.
7) Practice moderation. Don't go overboard with anything: food, drugs, money, sex, work, etc etc.
8) Think for yourself.
9) Smile, say please-thank you-sorry-you're welcome.
10) Reckon with and make your peace with the ugly necessities and realities of life: death, poop, blood, bacteria, pain, hunger, hot, cold, hard work, etc.
I fail plenty, but I have solid goals and I mean well.
I've been a wildland firefighter/helicopter crewmember, fire dispatcher, a student nurse, a ski shop manager, a bouncer, a dock worker, a timber faller, a truck driver, a landscaper...I've bought and sold motorcycles and parts for income, I've done demolition and all kinds of forestry labor.
I just do what I can do to make a living. I'm not attached to a life-plan correlated to a career ladder and I have tried to detach my sense of self from the work I do. I think it's ultimately healthy, but it came from some of the pain of having to give up that "firefighter" identity when I moved on from that work.
I was raised in Upper Michigan and followed my skiing jones and my wildland fire/aviation career through Crested Butte CO, John Day OR, Taos NM, and Salt Lake City UT. I painstakingly re-thought things after a lot of fire and fire aviation deaths in 2008 and moved to Port Angeles WA where I learned to surf and went to nursing school, which was a mistake because I really should be working outdoors or at least in situations where I'm not expected to be quiet and reverent. Now I'm trying to bring my life to a final geographic location, I don't want to move ever again. Something important I've learned from all of this is the value of stability...so I'm seeking that.
Owning a home is a very important goal for me. I sold my home in Salt Lake during career transition and have dearly missed having tools and workspace. I want to be able to have a little outdoor ice rink and be able to do ski tuning and repair, I want to be able to work on motorcycles and cars. I think ideally I'd like to have a big, messy space with dogs and cats and firewood and vegetables and chickens and surfboards and chainsaws and old trucks and motorcycles. If this kind of image bothers you, and I understand it tends to bother a certain type of woman, we may find our directions incompatible.
I'm a great driver.
I was a very strong skier, and a solid longboard surfer...though I'm out of practice at this stage.
I understand people pretty well.
I have good stories.
I am relatively non-judgmental about most things, although I am very harsh toward willful ignorance and its many manifestations.
I enjoy getting to know people, and I'm pretty good at that.
Cats like me.
Just the other day I saw this guy in the grocery store and I thought "Holy crap that guy is big and scary" and got closer and we were roughly the same size....it was a moment of reflection about how people must see me.
Carl Sagan's Cosmos
The Human Animal by Desmond Morris
Joe Rogan Experience Podcasts
NPR: Diane Rehm, TOTN, wait wait don't tell me, etc etc...
Pink Floyd, mexican food, The Wire, Big Lebowski, Fight Club, Office Space, Harold and Maude.
South Park, Daily Show, Always Sunny.
80s metal...lol. yeah I know.
so much more, it's hard to conjure this stuff.
12/6/12: I was in the water at presque isle for about 4 hours yesterday. The process of getting a coast figured out for surfing is a long one, and I have that ahead of me. It's going to be important to regain some of the fitness I lost over the last year. I thought about that a lot, it's exciting to think about finding new places to surf.
Saw NMU vs. Tech the other night. Things are good here. The biggest challenge I face now is finding a way, or ways, to be here more and make a living. It's no small task. So I'm thinking about that a lot.
10/30/12: I feel 100% better having moved all my stuff to Big Bay and spent a few days up here. It's like a detox from all the psychological venom of the bible belt south.
10/17/12: I think it might be awhile before I look at this site again. As I tend to do, I've taken stock of this whole experience...browsing the site, trying to describe myself and let strangers get to know me in some detail, and in the context of having sort of accidentally consumed a bunch of shitty relationshipy femalish tv as I slept with the TV on yesterday I have to recognize who and what I am is not who women are looking for. In fact, I'm who women settle for...at best...I had a brief, and if dare be so immodest, rather glorious period of my 20s where I was kicking the world's ass. I know what that looks and feels like, I felt that sort of weird magnetism and tension in my interactions. I saw the looks and the body language. Likewise, I've seen it all fade and change. I'm as awesome as I was, I just don't look awesome or occupy any sort of social spaces with automatic superficial appeal any longer.
I stood steadfast and solid with a girlfriend through ugly times with her ex and custody battles and devoted a lot of myself to raising her 3 children, and the neighbor's kid with rotten absentee parents, and another sort of stray kid with even more rotten absentee parents. Those kids are now from late high school aged to off into careers. I did that and watched it all vanish as she found a guy she liked better at her job.
I stood steadfast and strong with a different ex when she suddenly had a rare cancer and everything suddenly changed. I was there when she was gasping for breath and things were dicey in the ICU and I was there for a long and difficult rehab when she couldn't use her arms to care for herself for 3 months and was pretty disabled for a year and a half. I was there losing money and feeling sort of horrified and trapped, but forging on, with smiles and hugs and brave faces, doing the right thing and being strong. As soon as she began to really heal and feel healthy and strong and feel the psychosocial benefit of having faced down such a crisis, feel the growth of character and the vitality and enthusiasm of having survived something imminently life-threatening, after a year and a half of very hard times and depression and intense chronic physical pain, she felt good enough to go find a job where she was surrounded by a henhouse of fancy, gossipy city girls... and suddenly the process of explaining to these Canadian women how she was dating--gasp--an American who is ---gasssp--- a truck driver was more than she could handle.
I withstood fatal helicopter crashes and an ex who insisted that I quit my firefighting job after the big crash and the 9 dead. I withstood calling around to everyone who saw the crash on CNN and thought I was dead. I withstood shitty sleepless nights and horror show nursing school scenarios and blistering, brain-melting stress and feeling horrible going through those hard times banking on a payoff that never came. I withstood having to sell my house and everything I owned to maintain my financial integrity when the economy shit the bed. I put huge amounts of myself into all of this, I spent my youthful energy and vitality and drained my reservoirs of joy and optimism dutifully saving other people's futures; because I always felt in my heart it was the right thing to do and I always felt in my mind that a man's role in society, in a family, in a relationship is to fall on his sword and suck it up...personally and professionally...
I spent a lifetime of cartilage and used all of my nine lives ragdolling down cliffs being the hero sick freeskier I dreamed of being when I was growing up, hitting trees, crashing motorcycles, being crushed by a tree out working in the woods at night, getting slammed around playing hockey, breathing a lifetime of ash and dust and smoke and I have come out the other side older and slower and fatter, with a kind of wisdom and a series of views about life that very few people seem to find appealing. I came out of all of this with a lot less of the youthful energy and blind optimism the average single American seems to crave in a date. My eyes don't sparkle, my step doesn't really have spring. I'm sturdy now, not exciting....and nobody really wants sturdy, I can face that. I can face it because if I'm good for anything it's facing those kinds of unfortunate truths fearlessly. So be it. I don't have a time machine, and frankly I tend to think there's a lot of hidden value in the character I've had to develop to pull through all of this and in the broad base of knowledge I've earned the hard way. Don't think I fail to recognize that a "winning strategy" for the weird game of dating is to just belch out some lame ass cliches and act all mysterious, and that what I've done here is the polar opposite of that. I do get that. I have a deep commitment to honesty that supersedes my immediate desires for companionship or sex.
I have things to do here, I have a life to live. I'll meet someone in the course of it, or I won't. I'm getting to where I don't see the process of this website as helping that along, it just ends up making me feel like an alien...very very far outside of the mainstream and very very separate from the rest of humankind. Like one of those old broken wolves who's been replaced in the pack and forced out to wander and die. It's a hard pill to swallow. Fuck it. I know myself well enough to figure I'll probably come take a look every once in a while, but seriously, when you're as far away from normal as I am you can't really expect something like this website designed for matching common people, your day-to-day stock characters, with one another...you cant' expect something like that to find some other weirdo for you. You just have to go and live your own sort of life and fearlessly try and get to know the people you meet and hope for the best. I'll be around Marquette and Big Bay. I don't know what else to say. If you somehow happen to be the one in a hell of a big shitload who would take the time to read all of this and don't puke in your mouth or frantically wipe your hard drive at the very thought of running into me in person, keep your eyes open. I'm the big stupid-looking friendly guy who just showed up in town. Sooner or later I'm going to be getting my surf gear up there from Washington and paddling around, waves or not. If you see me, come say hi, I'm nice.
nos vemos en la vida real.
10/15/12: Well, I thought about the law of diminishing returns today. I worked myself retarded, probably made an extra $100 and in the process of being stupefied I lost both my leatherman I'd had and used almost every day for 17 years...a little metal thing that was like an extension of my body...and a particularly sentimental hammer. Those cost a combined $94 to replace. God damn son of a bitch motherfucking piece of shit. So next week I will be dialing it back a notch. I thought about irrational attachments to little metal objects and dialing it back a lot today. In fact, I thought a lot about irrational thinking and behavior a great deal last night, as prompted by a rather frustrating, and recurring (!) conversation with a friend who has had difficulty with my change in perspective through my process of studying nursing. The education in microbiology and developmental psychology has really sealed the deal on my transition from what you might call a really vague agnostic to a secular humanist. His view, and the view of many others as I have come to find, is essentially that irrational thinking is at a par with logic and reason...and that whatever seems good or right is good or right simply on the merits of the way it makes one feel; and he rigorously rejects my tendency to subject those sort of viewpoints to some critical thought in pursuit of truth and honesty. To some degree I suppose he's right in the sense that the world is a steaming pile of madly evil shit that runs on lies, exploitation, and misery, and if you can maintain a sort of disney-esque way of looking at things complete with the benevolent God listening to your prayers and blessing the USA with freedom and anybody could grow up to be president...blah blah blah puke....you're in a really privileged place of blissful ignorance. I look at like this: I no longer have the ignorance pathway as an option, so I'm all in, I want to find my true place where I can experience true happiness in some harmony with truth. It's exponentially more difficult, but in my experience difficult accomplishments are more meaningful.
Regardless, the nature of the discussion prompted a lot of this thinking, as it was a frustrating one fraught with miscommunication and fraught with trouble finding the words to adequately describe my point of view.
10/12/12: I am concerned the military industrial ends of the US and Israel are moving us toward a war with Iran, and thus a war with Russia and China. I want nothing to do with this. I don't know how exactly it's going to play or what any of this will mean for me personally. I'm sure there are people who think some massive war will serve us economically like WWII did at the end of the great depression. Fuck that though. Seriously. Fuck that. I thought about that an awful lot today.
10/10/12: This Illinois office is releasing me to the Green Bay office on 10/22. This means I will, in theory, have about a week a month in Marquette/Big Bay...which is a start. I've been thinking about that a lot today. I'm not sure what I'll do when I'm there. I don't really know anybody anymore. I guess I'll go to hockey games and maybe attempt to ski a little bit with my broken body...I don't know, things are going to have to heal a lot for that. I want out of the south very badly and I'm getting out, so that's good.
10/8/12: My level of stress trying to figure out my job, my life, my living situation, my priorities vis-a-vis this move back to Marquette has reached a climax. I made myself physically sick with stress about this today...I'm really worried this whole thing is going to end with me unemployed in a cabin in Big Bay....I thought about that a lot today. It's a daily theme I guess, but I am haunted by the memories of all the good times I've had. 120 day ski seasons, playing league hockey, riding motorcycles, cutting trees, traveling around with my friends. Laughing until I had tears in my eyes almost every day for 3 months on the 2002 fire crew with the funniest group of 5 guys ever randomly assembled. It's hard to live with the sense that moving forward is moving away from that rather than to more and better. The sense of decline and hopelessness that has come with this period of shit economy and persistent struggle. I really need some good luck. I thought about that a lot today.
10/6/12: I'm still sore from a week ago. I'm spending a lot of time thinking about how I'm going to have fun without hurting myself because I very much need to have fun and very much hate hurting myself. When I think about this, and it's not just today, it always comes back to surfing. Surfing was an answer to that problem that created like 10 other problems....living in expensive places with surf, needing to be able to go when and where it's happening, having to live with everything smelling like ocean and piss and fiberglass. Lots of driving. Occasionally being forced to reckon with potential for drowning or being bitten by sharks. Anyway, it seems unrealistic at this stage.
10/1/12: Truth, Justice, and The American Way....pretty amazing how so many of us were raised on this stuff and yet it all goes away in the face of adult pressures. Really, as far as I can tell, the American way is that truth is interchangeable with "what I want to hear" and justice is interchangeable with vengeance.
And speaking of that last bit, I spent a lot of time thinking about that today. How the word justice seems to mean different things to different people, and the implications of that. It seems like "justice" is interchangeable with "vengeance" in the rural/redstate parts of our country. This is strange to me, because I have associated the word justice with the concepts of fairness and equity. "Seeking justice" then associates with punishment in the south, in Texas or Florida...the department of Justice is the department of vengeance and the department of punishment in those places, and in those cultures...whereas I was always taught to view "seeking justice" as a process of determining truth and seeking to restore equity to someone who was wronged. Similar, but very different. So when somebody like me uses a phrase like "economic justice" to convey a large part of my values, it comes across to douchebag idiot southerners as if I were interested in "economic vengeance"...as if I were interested in punishing someone rather than seeking the truth and restoring fairness and equity in an economic system. I think this accounts for some of the misunderstandings that take place between the Huckabee fucktards and the rest of us who can think clearly.
Or maybe not, anyway that's what I thought about a lot today.
9/30/12: I worried about chronic traumatic encephalopathy a lot today. I was listening to a podcast and that was in the discussion, and I was thinking about all the times I've been knocked unconscious and, probably much worse actually, the many, many more times I've been dazed by an impact. I'm glad I'm doing OK, but I do have some aspects of shitty short term memory and difficulties with sleep, so I listened to the discussion about football players and boxers and the litany of horror stories and I worried about the potential for further decline a lot today.
9/29/12: Some road rager freaked out on me today. In the moment I decided, very firmly, that I wasn't going to be bullied. I couldn't drive away with this guy standing where he was without incurring the potential liability of any injury to him...which is a big deal driving a semi...so I had to deal with this guy on the side of the road. So it was a fist fight. A fucking fist fight, at age 35 with my bad back and my gray hair. I can still fight, and I can still take a punch, and I backed this asshole off without a lot of difficulty, but I feel rotten about it...and I'm going to be really sore for awhile now because of this. I'm really sick of southerners. I honestly can't believe this whole thing happened, in hindsight I wish I were a "roll up the windows and call the police" type because I wouldn't be sitting here with a pulled groin and a swollen hand. It feels like a turning point, like some stage where making those kinds of stands isn't reasonable any longer. I don't know. I thought about that a lot today.
9/26/12: Conscientiousness is a pitfall when it comes to navigating the world of business in 2012. If we're ever going to get back to a society where people are mostly happy most of the time, we're going to have to figure out an economic and social structure that doesn't punish people for their basic humanity and decency.
9/23/12: I spent a lot time thinking about building houses and barns today. I'd like a room that's a greenhouse/bathroom with a hot tub. I was thinking about floor plans and nontraditional stuff like building a house around a big living tree and vertical-log log cabins and giant metal barns. Square-logs, concrete. Exposed plumbing and wiring. Big, thick windows. Endless water heater. Wood flooring. Rivers and ponds and beaches. Surf shop tools, shaping surfboards. Stone grinders, tuning skis. Thought about that kind of stuff a lot today.
9/22/12: My house in Salt Lake was just around the corner from this motorcycle salvage place. I was so excited when I moved in and found out this place was a block away from home. I went in there all fired up, ready to make friends, and the owner was a huge prick and his employees were zombies...maybe meth zombies, maybe heroine zombies, I don't know....but it was clear we would not be friends. The only other used motorcycle parts operation in town was a place with a cool older owner who seemed like he was on his way out. The yard had been picked clean, it didn't look like he was taking anything new in. So it seemed like there was an opportunity there. I told the owner of the place near my house, who seemed miserable-like a man who didn't want to be doing that work, to please please please let me know if he ever wanted to sell his place. One summer day I got back from a fire assignment and the place was vacant and empty, all the parts gone. I wanted very badly to fill that void. My plan was to complete an apprenticeship with the operating engineers to get some operating skills and save up some money to buy some commercial property and start building a motorcycle parts/salvage operation from scratch. Operate heavy equipment in the summer, buy motorcycles all fall, ski all winter, sell motorcycle parts in the spring. Eventually if the motorcycle thing started picking up momentum it could become the whole year and then I would be in business.
That whole thing failed because of the economy, the engineers had no work for apprentices, I had to sell my house and most of what I owned and move to take the only job offer I had as money was running out. The whole dream came and went, and now I'm sure that market void has been filled. I thought about that business plan a lot today. I wish I could have done it, I would have enjoyed that a lot.
9/21/12: I passed a prison today, everyone was outside playing basketball and baseball. I can't convey, really words can't adequately express, just how frustrating it is to be aware of the many opportunities to do something illegal and make a lot of money, and know that if I were caught I could just be on the other side of that fence playing baseball instead of wasting my life working 14 hours a day making somebody else rich. I haven't done anything as fun as play basketball or baseball in 9 months. Somehow going to college for the wrong thing and having a bad back puts me in a worse position than if I were a convicted felon, tangibly in that moment as I spend my 13th working hour sitting in a truck by myself bored to death passing convicts having fun. Pretty fucked up system we've got going.
9/19/12: If it seems too good to be true it probably is.
9/17/12: Words and language have an awful lot of limitations when it comes to expressing what goes on in my mind. Want to test this: try to describe a dream you had. It's not stupid because it sounds stupid in words and language, it's that words and language have significant, important limitations in their ability to convey the full spectrum of important human experiences.
9/14/12: West Memphis is disgusting. It's so strange to me that we glorify the civil war effort to keep the south attached to the rest of this country. What exactly does California gain from Kentucky? What does Alaska gain from Mississippi? The people here in the south are angry toward and resentful of people in the rest of the country, they romanticize the idea of this gross, independent, racist Confederate nation. I say let them go ahead and do it. Go cowboy around the world bombing people and see how that works, have a bunch of crusader fundamentalist evangelical police and put all the blacks in work camps. See how successful that is. The rest of us will be fine not having to subsidize Alabama and South Carolina, thank you very much.
9/12/12: Thinking about a response I got to a resume I sent the other day. Wondering if I'm going to have to quit my job first in order to find a better one. The leap of faith thing. I don't have a lot of faith, I'm not really in a leaping mentality these days, so it's tearing at me mentally.
9/11/12: It was a fall day in El Valle Escondido, between Taos and Angel Fire New Mexico. It was clear and crisp in our cabin at 9500 feet in the Sangre de Cristo mountains. I was off work, fire season was winding down, I had been falling trees with a hippy neighbor-up-the-road guy whose hippy girlfriend was a new mom and had bonded about hippy mothering with my girlfriend. But for whatever reason I was sleeping in that day, and when I woke up it was to this news of a crazy plane crash on the TV downstairs. I drank coffee and watched the emergency response on TV like a sports fan, I was an emergency response professional, this is my team, go team. I heard the numbers, 80,000 people in that building on a normal day, oh shit. Chaos, madness; what are you gonna do Incident Commander, what are you going to do Dispatch Center Manager, come on team, go team go. Then another plane hit, are you fucking kidding me? Then the pentagon, so this is some kind of attack, it's some kind of war. I drank the pot of coffee and got to work. I was sketched about Los Alamos and Sandia and NORAD, I didn't want to be upwind of some kind of nuclear fallout or chemical weapons fire. I wanted us to go where I knew we could defend our space, I got my boots on and got to work gathering clothes and fuel and chainsaw, guns and ammo, tools. I got the one pickup truck loaded, then loaded the second pickup truck. Necia watched and waited, ready to drive 24 hours straight to Upper Michigan to deer and fish and heavy cover if the war was on, and in the evening we went over to our hippy neighbors who didn't have TV and, if I remember right, may not have had electricity or only limited with solar and generator maybe. We talked about it and smoked a lot of pot and tried to make sense of everything until way past dark. Then we waited and waited, days and weeks passed, it wasn't really a war, just this bullshit blowback from our oil business in the mideast. Still, things were changing, in October I left my boss, an old smokejumper running a private contract fire engine out of his home in Black Lake NM, and went on my first assignment with the Dept. of Interior BLM out of Taos. The next year I was a federal employee, doing my part I thought, joining into this thing in my own way, with my own skills. I wish none of it had gone that way.
9/10/12: I can't wait for winter.
9/8/12: Thought about building an indoor place with a perfect pitching mound and a well-made backstop with multiple cameras and monitors near the mound so that a pitcher could throw, field the return ball, and then see the pitch and his motion and the radar speed on a delayed playback. Like pitching in a mirror only with a delay and from a few different angles. This would allow a smart pitcher to coach himself, or a pitcher and a pitching coach to work on some things together. I thought about that in the context of a place I looked at buying when my life was still going fairly well in 2008. It was a big metal barn designed for servicing logging trucks, but the owner had built a box in the top corner of the building and inside that box was the interior of a very nice small house. So it was a giant shop with a very comfortable and stylish little living space. Ohhhh it was sooooo compelling to me. Anyway, I have ideas for that space pretty much nonstop: motorcycle stuff, awesome hot tub, surfboard manufacturing, on and on and on. Having something cool and special attached to my home, and being able to sort of amble downstairs into a workspace at any time is a very compelling thought.
9/6/12: I'm pretty well convinced this website isn't doing anything for me. Character, honesty, and integrity are worthless at this stage. I'm pretty sure this is how it's going to be: I'm going to be single, I'm going to build up my career and my home and my savings, and then, just like before, when I have money and a house there will be a cloud of women buzzing around the perimeter of my life hoping to latch onto some of my prosperity. Amazingly, I'm suddenly much more attractive as soon as I'm making more money. Amazing!
The thing is, I've seen how this works, I've overheard my classmates in nursing school, who talked amongst themselves in the lab and in the classroom as if I weren't there or wasn't a man listening to their conversations about men. I've heard the discussion about dating the guy with more money even though he's basically repulsive and not dating the guy they like because they don't like the prospects of his work life...it was always the end goal of these dating and relationship discussions: landing the least-repulsive rich guy or perhaps the least-poor attractive guy. Hell, one very attractive former model in my class was pretty sure she could land a rich and attractive guy. She's probably right. I see on facebook she's working on it, some douchey business guy in Texas, fake smiles all around. I know how this works, even though it bothers me, it makes me embarrassed for my species and it makes me resentful for having this knowledge and regretful about having been raised with this awkward hippy set of values that don't really work with most people, I like to try to put it out of my mind because it makes me feel like some sort of alien, and it's really not a good feeling. So it will take a few years to pay some loans down and set up another house and start doing some more business, but like before, I will do it, by myself, and then lots of fair weather friends will come and find me.
I had a lot of naive high hopes, I've had a lifetime of them frankly, about transcending that bullshit, about really connecting and finding a partner for life; but that's not what life is. We're just complicated collections of trillions of cells with a lot of pre-determined behaviors geared at simply making the most human beings possible under very different living conditions than we face today; accordingly, no matter what the profiles say, or what high-minded sense of civilized liberated modern feminist development you claim to espouse, at this stage the breeding activity...specifically the function of attraction from females toward males..... in our species is still all about money and power. I don't have money and I don't have power; and perhaps more importantly, I choose not to make the step of faking power or wealth or even perhaps appearing mysterious (am I powerful? am I wealthy? sleep with me and find out!), any of which are the poor and powerless man's way of overcoming a lack of wealth or power in a wealth-and-power-driven attraction scheme; so I am not a breeder. I'm just a guy who won't fuck people over for money, won't fuck people over for power, and won't lie about it or hide who he is.
We're just not there yet, so fuck transcendence into a more evolved way of relating to one another, evidently; fuck decency and fuck civilization. Times are hard, it's a recession out there. Quick, every month is closer to the expiration date, trade your vaginas for a few extra digits on that ATM balance now while you still can....just don't ever, ever, ever expect anybody like me to care if and when you decide to complain that there's no good men out there. Don't be surprised if the man who purchased your attraction by screwing people in business deals turns out to be an asshole, and your personalities turn out to be a poor fit. There's plenty of good men, but decency and wealth rarely share the same space, and decency and the myriad of deceptions men design to appear powerful and/or wealthy definitely sure as shit don't share the same space. Don't expect men like me, who are swarmed in good times and abandoned in bad times, to respect your gender's pleas for dignity and independence. Wouldn't it be more dignified to base your attraction on things like mutual admiration, on shared goals, on physical or sexual chemistry? Doesn't writing off thousands of men because they don't make enough money pretty much invalidate the whole concept of independence?
I'm not saying it's easy, I'm not saying that. Most of you women have deep, deep roots driving this attraction to power or wealth. You started unconsciously making your choices for wealth over decency way back when you were little girls hoping for a prince to sweep you away, building all those deeply rooted neural connections between the concepts of wealth and romantic attraction.... Or maybe you started making those connections back when we were just little primitive rodents and we're just occupying vessels designed to work the way we work in ways we're still just starting to understand with the human genome project and all these studies of gene expression. It's not going to change, you can't undo development at that depth and strength.
I'm really only seriously reverent toward one concept: the objective truth, and one higher order: nature. You simply can't negotiate the laws of physics. Those laws have overseen this entire process of forming biological molecules and cells and tissues. They've dictated the way fluids pass through our nervous membranes and form these thoughts we think, and drive these actions we take. So here we are, it just is what it is, and this website isn't going to change it.
9/5/12: I daydreamed about motorcycles a lot today. If and when I finally get some money, shop space, and tools together again I have a head full of motorcycle ideas. Probably none of them would be as purely fun to ride as a bone stock Buell Firebolt, but character counts for something too.
9/4/12: DNC here we go. Seems like more opportunity to do something ridiculous and wrong than to accomplish anything positive. Maybe I'm just thinking that in the aftermath of the RNC. Hard to say.
9/3/12: 4 or 5 more weeks until I can push for some changes at work. Time is going by really slowly.
9/2/12: Once again this year, I'll be working on labor day while the management watch football at home. Of course, even people who mostly just watch other people work think they're "hard workers"...workin' hard. I EARNED this! blah blah blah. I know very few people who have the ability to drive 14 hour shifts living out of a truck, or work 16 hour shifts digging fireline living out of a tent....and some douchey business-school fucks are not in that group. Someday labor day will involve the assholes coming down out of the offices to the muck and mingling with the livestock instead of just going home and checking their bank balance while the labor force continues to run their business for them.
9/1/12: It feels like fall today. I'm killing myself with stress. I had a few days of bitterness over a missed opportunity and the physiological implications of repressed anger are evident. I feel fatigued. I want to solve how to retain my ambitions without risking the kind of profound disappointments I've experienced when goals became unachievable.
8/31/12: There are no more secrets. The time of some great job that nobody knows about, some great place to surf nobody's heard of, some wonderful place to live with cheap housing, those times have come and gone. If the house is cheap there's something wrong. If they're advertising help wanted there's something wrong. If nobody's surfing there, there's something wrong. I miss when every day was a chance to find something special and undiscovered.
8/30/12: Thinking about an incident I saw this morning where a toddler fell in front of his dad and his dad just angrily walked away and yelled back at his little tiny son to get up instead of picking the kid up and hugging him as he was in that "I just fell and it hurts" shock. Words fail, I was pretty upset seeing this and was really close to just going over there and helping this little guy up myself (his mom came along behind and did this before I could really finish the thought.) He's going to have a sad life and probably be an asshole just like his asshole dad. Thought about that a lot today. Thought about guys in my school who probably grew up that way, the angry mean kids in school whom I look back on now and figure they were likely abused at home, I wonder how they all turned out.
8/29/12: Stuff stolen from the back of my pickup truck tonight. Why is it that the two most religious places I've ever lived, where I was the atheist devil pariah, were the only places out of the 25 or so I've lived where I've had things stolen from me. Fucking amazing hypocrisy.
8/28/12: Thinking about how I should have stayed in Washington and worked the job I worked last summer, would have been more money and I would be surfing today instead of sitting in a truck staring at a concrete wall waiting for an assignment.
8/27/12: Generally: my love/hate relationship with human beings. How I need to belong but also find so many people insufferable. Also (and somewhat related): Mitt Fuckin' Romney...I mean come on people seriously?
8/26/12: I want to make biodiesel. I want an F350 running a cummins 4BT four-cylinder and 3.08 gears....I want to get 30 mpg on biodiesel I make in my garage.
1) Character counts.
2) Honesty is important.
3) You believe that imperfect people can still love each other and have a nice life together.
4) You are courageous, intelligent, and caring.