I am from Doncaster, in the North, which is the grim grey miserable bit. Absolutely no famous bands are from there. Have you seen Game of Thrones? You know Winterfell? That's where I'm from.
I've lived all over the world - SE Asia, New Zealand, Australia, England. My parents are travel-obsessed hippies so I've seen plenty of the world, and I see my parents about once every two years, rarely in the same country twice. I have three passports.
I'm quite nerdy, but am not completely awful like many other nerds. I can hide social awkwardness on a whim as the situation demands. If you have no interest in nerds then you will never ever notice I am a nerd until it is far, far too late. If you actually like nerds and want to challenge me on nerd matters then it is ON.
Previous jobs include:
* Helping gay men have sex with each other using computer programming (if you have a guess, your guess is correct). Gay men love having sex with each other so it was a pretty good job.
* Worked with a ton of scientologists. Honest verdict: They were quiet, nice. Did not try and recruit me.
* Worked in a library when I was 15, putting books back on the shelves. Was told off for putting books in the wrong place.
I also play the guitar, and spent a lot of my teens learning how to play Metallica solos. I can play Dust in the Wind for you right fucking now if that will impress you at all. It impressed girls when I was 18, I wish life were still that easy.
I do martial arts. I have a black belt. I'm tough. I could probably commit to beating up a person of no greater height than 5'1" who was slightly drunk and of below average fitness, if it came down to it. If any men fitting that description are impugning your honour - contact me.
People say I look really stern all the time, I don't know why. I'm incredibly easy-going. The chance of me giving someone a dressing-down for any reason is slim. I think possibly I look stern because I'm concentrating really hard on not saying anything stupid.
Comics: The Invisibles (once told the author he was my favourite writer, whilst drunk, at a party - proud moment), Akira, The Dark Knight Returns, anything by the aforementioned Grant Morrison, Alan Moore, people like that. I read a lot of comic books. I will never make you read one unless you want me to, and if I did, it would be an incredibly good one. I'm not the sort of nerd that tries to get girls to read Shitty Wolverine Adventures #431 because there are awesome fight scenes in it or something.
Movies: Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence, Robocop, The Talented Mr Ripley, Conan the Barbarian, Alien, Blade Runner, Angel Heart, and basically anything with either a spaceship, a robot or an alien in. Is it nerdy? I've seen it. Don't talk to me about Prometheus, it still hurts.
Music: The Sisters of Mercy, The Chameleons, Joy Division, Róisín Murphy, Moloko, David Bowie, Fleetwood Mac, The Beatles, The Smiths, Chromatics, Glass Candy, The Future Sound of London, Kate Bush, M83, Neko Case, Grizzly Bear, Twin Shadow, The Cure, Marvin Gaye, Prince, Pop Will Eat Itself, Queen, Nouvelle Vague, Tool, Underworld, Led Zeppelin, Guns N' Roses, New Order, Duran Duran, Depeche Mode, Nirvana, Shirley Bassey, Pet Shop Boys, Bat for Lashes, The Prodigy, Billy Idol, The Cult, Smashing Pumpkins, Deftones, Radiohead, Roxy Music, Björk, Wu-Tang Clan, Air, Tears for Fears, Michael Jackson, Faith No More, Neil Young, Ladytron, Al Stewart - a sprinkling of pretty much everything with a strong tendency towards slightly gay electronica and goth rock. Is it a bunch of droning melancholy misery with slightly knowing, ironic lyrics? It's in my iTunes.
I don't really trust people who aren't into any music. I don't really mind if you like completely different music to me, as long as you're into something. It would be great if you could broaden my horizons. In return I will show you amazing music, which I basically love doing.
Food: I have come to this great state of California to sample your fine Mexican food. I am rarely disappointed. Also, your burgers are quite often very nice. I have recently discovered that if you are just drunk enough to make a slightly reckless decision, then street vendor hot dogs are pretty amazing.
Television: The Wire is the best show ever made. If you have a favourite character (not counting Omar), that will help matters. Mine is Bodie. Also love Breaking Bad, Six Feet Under, True Blood, The Shield, Six Feet Under, The Sopranos, all that kind of thing. I watch Game of Thrones and I love it. I love it because it's 2015 and one of the biggest shows around has wizards and swordfights and evil Scottish people. The nerds have won. I loved True Detective S1 because of all the amazing Lovecraft stuff, but I think True Detective S2 is complete crap. Every episode gets worse.
Twin Peaks is coming back! Talk to me about Twin Peaks.
I watch Doctor Who. Look, I'm British and one of the privileges afforded to all British people is to have as many opinions about Doctor Who as they like. If I ever get drunk and abusive I might call any Americans who say they like Doctor Who a bunch of johnny-come-lately poseurs and demand they tell me their favourite Doctor not counting the three newest ones. If you like Doctor Who, here is a brilliant first date idea - I will wear an eccentric ensemble consisting of a dinner jacket, a long scarf and an unusual hat, and run up to you in a bar and frantically demand you tell me what year it is. Whatever you say, I will look pensive and whisper "then I'm already too late!" under my breath. If you don't watch Doctor Who, please ignore this paragraph.
My gigantic American television. All I use it for is Mad Men, Game of Thrones, Doctor Who and my Xbox. Watching pornography on it is not an option because there are some things you don't want to see at that size.
My visa. I'd like a green card but it's slow going. There are a lot of people in this country that want to shoot all foreigners, you might be aware. I don't need a visa marriage, but thank you for offering.
Super fancy coffee. I know I'm supposed to drink tea because I'm English but I actually make myself a large bucket of pour-over coffee twice a day and I love it. I've got everyone at work into it, too.
My car. It's my first car. It's a very sensible car. I never thought I'd be a 'wow I love having a car' person, but it turns out I am. I will happily go miles out of my way to give people rides, because driving is awesome. My driving playlist is impeccable. Before you ask if it's weird driving on this side of the road, this is the only side of the road I've ever driven on. We don't drive in England because we have the Tube, but having a car has made me look down on public transport with a sneering disregard.
Car update: I just bought my second car. It's my dream car. It's stupid. Ask me about it. You'll either think it's really cool or think it's really dumb. Most of my friends think it's dumb, but I'm following my dreams.
Why don't more films these days have rap songs describing the plot of the film? Talk about a lost art. I have karaoked On Our Own by Bobby Brown from Ghostbusters II several times. Even the rapping parts.
Whenever I look someone famous up on wikipedia, I look at their personal history section to see if they are happily married. If they have been happily married for 15 years, I feel good. If I see they are onto their third failed marriage, I feel a little disappointed. This is because I have a beautiful dreaming heart.
I am unable to stop myself being insanely attracted to your stupid hipster glasses. I hate myself for it.
...you have a solid career and/or are successful. Definition flexible. It's whatever your own definition of successful is, I suppose.
...you have a thing for English people, but only to the point where it's a vague advantage and not to the point where it becomes creepy and weird. Don't ask me out for tea. People have done it. English people don't go on tea dates. You racist.