31Los Angeles, United States
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My self-summary
My text message alert is the Wilhelm Scream. I booked a flight to Australia six days before it was scheduled to leave. I saw Bill Murray at a diner and stole his coffee cup after he left. Then I lost it. I had goodie bags and a magician at my 26th birthday party. One of my favorite childhood memories is the summer I spent at existentialism camp. I like my cactus because I can leave it for two weeks and when I come back it's like, "whatever. I'm fine." My karaoke song is Big Poppa. I think it's hip to be square. I can get along fine without a microwave or an air conditioner. I'm very serious about being funny.

their = plural possessive pronoun, they're = contraction, there = adverb indicating position.
What I’m doing with my life
Writing. Rewriting. Procrastinating. Brewing pots of coffee. Forgetting to eat. Making stuff up. Reconnoitering. Stumbling into some kind of a routine. Mastering the Fine Arts. Making a mess in the kitchen. Looking for cool stickers to put on my notebook. Throwing stuff in the back of my car. Searching for a houseplant that really "gets me". Pleading with my printer. Working my way through the canon of great American films. Waking up way too early in the morning. Waking up way too late in the afternoon. Learning Important Life Lessons. Fighting on. Reading the entire Internet. Keeping an eye open for the next big thing.
I’m really good at
Adventures. Timing. Finding little spots around the city. Taking children seriously. Waiting for the right moment. Driving stick. Mixing cocktails. Improvisational Cookery. Crossword puzzles. Having seen That Thing in the Times. Being emotional and sensitive and all that bullshit. Wild goose chases. Logic. Appreciating the illogical. Making mountains into molehills. Tri-lingual puns. Matching my socks. Running a short con. Contradictions. Zingers. Trivia. The hustle. Figuring it out.
The first things people usually notice about me
"What's going on here?"
We're making a movie.
"Oh yeah? Which one?"
[title of a movie that hasn't come out yet].
"Never heard of it."
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I'm into this stuff:
Tim & Eric, A Tribe Called Quest, decanters, Vice, haircuts, mugs from thrift stores, Steve Martin, Ernie Kovacs, El Scorcho, neo-futurism, suspenders, souvenir socks, text messages, bodega cats, Airplane!, conversations with cab drivers, bean boots, Edward Gorey, rye, Rain Dogs, the temple of Dendur, The Digable Planets, the smell Jell-O makes right when you add the hot water, Gang of Four, "What's Opera, Doc?", burgers with feta cheese, PT Anderson, award-winning street meat, Hanksy, JR, the merry pranksters, lithographs, mid-century modern, anything Jesse Thorn makes his "outshot", Melville, Mel Brooks, Shakespeare's history plays, live albums, shirts with buttons, The Black Saint and the Sinner Lady, Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, London, cheap beer

I'm not into this stuff:
little white dogs, tv dinners, Roz Chast, Uggs, prequels, excessive ketchup, adorable little cupcakes, chocolate chips, flavored rum, linkedin, Glee, the cult of personality surrounding Lena Dunham, outdoorsy shit, camera flashes, "on a typical friday night I'm out with friends or at home watching Netflix", loyalty programs, trash juice, restaurants rated $$$ on yelp, celebrity gossip, upscale thai, Nick Hornby, BBQ potato chips
Six things I could never do without
Double meanings
Good spirits
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Things that fit inside themselves. Things that look like their opposites. Problems with no solution. Solutions to non-problems. Organized nonsense. Syllogisms. Aphorisms. Apiaries. Great Apes. Monkey Business.
On a typical Friday night I am
Carousing with professional hula-hoopers. Walking 40 blocks to get some good fish soup. Stumbling into a midnight movie. Realizing I accidentally showed up to the bar on chickenhawk night. Eating Pad Prik King at that Thai place that serves beer after last call. Jumping on the bed in a suite at the Waldorf-Astoria. Buying a ticket on the chinatown bus because it's cheaper than a cab ride home. Settling in with Mr. Bubble and a good book. Looking at the rich guy houses up in the hills. Doing serious damage to a bottle of Jameson in the course of a game of dice.

Or just creepin' your profile.
You should message me if
...you want to drink whiskey and laugh.

Please no ploys to feature me on your tumblr full of creepers, trannies, or honeypot scammers. I'm savvier than I look.
The two of us