I live life as though I'm in a romantic comedy: I pine for true love, embarrass myself constantly, and act wildly adorable in the process! I'm basically a gay, redheaded Sandra Bullock (I know, I know...you can stop swooning now). I'll (hopefully) make you laugh, and you can then shower me with the attention I spend every minute of my life craving. Enough about me. Let's talk about you. So, what do you think of me?
I tell myself I'm Liz Lemon, but deep down I know I'm Jenna Maroney.
If I could have one super power, it would be the ability to have everyone around me burst out into exuberant, choreographed song and dance at the snap of my fingers.
I recently graduated from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign with a masters degree in Communication (I watched TV and movies and claimed it was "research"). I'm now working as a speech professor in the suburbs and living in Chicago. I'm also trying to make it in the Chicago improv scene. You know, places like iO and Second City. I like making people laugh.
-Freakishly knowing the DVD release date of any movie released since 2001.
-Teaching my family's pet cockatiel to say things like, "Hey gurl!" to my conservative republican father.
-Looking at Anderson Cooper.
-Wishing my life was a John Hughes movie.
-Challenging people to dance-offs.
-Getting the police called on me for obscene text messaging (true story).
-Lying to people on national television.
-Listening to Katy Perry songs on repeat.
-Knowing all the words to "My Neck, My Back (Lick It)" by Khia.
-Blatantly watching Pretty Little Liars in my office at work.
-Having a few too many drinks and attempting to convince anyone within the vicinity that Jennifer Garner deserved an Oscar nomination for 13 Going on 30...BECAUSE SHE DID.
-Stopping to gush at cute puppies when they're being walked by straight dudes who are OBVIOUSLY trying to attract women.
-Happy crying at the end of movies in which Drew Barrymore is serenaded/kissed at the end (Never Been Kissed, Music and Lyrics, The Wedding Singer).
In all seriousness, though, people usually tell me they are instantly drawn to my smile, sense of humor, friendly personality, and stark resemblance to a naked mole rat. That, and my huge bulge.
Also, my hair. And my lack of eyebrows.
Movies - Romy and Michele's High School Reunion is my favorite movie of all time. The dance sequence at the end is the most perfect thing ever captured on film. Numbers two and three on my list are Best in Show and Kill Bill (both volumes). Good horror movies are also wonderful (Scream, Scream 2, Candyman, the original A Nightmare on Elm Street, Drag Me to Hell, the original Fright Night), as are good romantic and/or teen comedies (Harold and Maude, Easy A, Say Anything..., Mean Girls, Ferris Bueller's Day Off). A few other favorites are Zodiac, Little Children, Adventureland, Ratatouille, and Singin' in the Rain. If you want some recent picks, my three favorite movies of 2011 were Drive, Bridesmaids, and Young Adult. Also, The Perks of Being a Wallflower was my favorite movie of 2012.
TV - Parks and Recreation, Looking (if you liked Kevin over Richie you are actual trash), Girls, 30 Rock, Arrested Development, The Simpsons (seasons 1-12), Veronica Mars, Community, Shameless, United States of Tara, Happy Endings (R.I.P...still devastated about this), Cougar Town (it's WAY better than you think, I promise), Survivor, Big Brother, Top Chef, Project Runway, Hey Arnold!, Dexter, Breaking Bad.
Music - The Weepies, Chromeo, Phoenix, David Bowie, Arcade Fire, Talking Heads, Daft Punk, Robyn, Katy Perry, The Beatles, Empire of the Sun, The Cure, Beyonce, Belle & Sebastian.
Food - Candy, pretending to like other foods more than candy, secretly eating candy at work, eating candy as drunk food, finding candy in the sofa and eating it. Oh, and I LOVE buying candy at Whole Foods, walking around with the Whole Foods bag, and looking deceptively healthy as a result.
-Drunk lying to people
-French pop music
-Sauce for chicken nuggets
-My amazing math skills
-Whether or not everyone at the gym knows I'm dancing to the Dreamgirls soundtrack while on the StairMaster.
-The day I went and saw Joyful Noise (the Dolly Parton/Queen Latifah gospel choir movie) alone, also known as the day I hit rock bottom.
One time, at Chipotle, a worker literally covered my taco in sour cream. She immediately apologized and said she would re-make it. I smiled, replied, "Gurl, I'm actually totally fine with this," and ate the best damn taco of my life.
I've been kicked out of Sidetrack twice for "dancing too much."
YOU ARE INTERESTED IN GETTING ICE CREAM! YAY SUMMER!
You like green and yellow Skittles, because you can have mine. GOOD RIDDANCE.
You think the airplane scene in Bridesmaids is the epitome of brilliant comedy.
You've always wanted to make out with Ron Weasley.
You watch the movie Easy A and it SPEAKS TO YOU. I feel as though that movie was taken directly from my brain.
You nearly pass out due to extreme happiness when Beyonce goes for the fourth key change in "Love on Top."
You have ever seen the TV show The Comeback starring Lisa Kudrow.
You love the music of The Weepies.
You like to laugh, yet also enjoy cutesy dates and romance. I'm a softie romantic at heart. I'm also a sarcastic, offensive piece of shit. A LOVABLE sarcastic, offensive piece of shit.
You are interested! I don't bite...unless I'm drunk, and I'm pretty sure I won't be drunk if we go on a first date. I typically save my drunken biting for the third date.