Coming up next: OkCupid, the show where individuals in the world of internet dating are profiled. Later, Levar Burton takes your imagination on an adventure through books in an exciting episode of Reading Rainbow!
Narrator: OkCupid, the show where we highlight a single person every night in the fascinating world of online dating. Tonight's profile: Arthur Allblack.
Fade in. Camera pans a library while Vivaldi's Spring plays in the background, stops at me sitting in a chair next to a fireplace in a smoking jacket, wearing a fez hat, smoking a pipe and reading a book. I look up in a false surprise.
"Oh, I didn't notice you walk in, hello and welcome! Tonight, we'll be getting to know an enigmatic and wonderful man of mystery. A man who's lived a life of adventure and unpredictability with a healthy dose of action and intrigue. He's gone on tour with a notorious punk band, fought off vicious dogs to save a family, and has even communicated with the afterlife! A truly amazing individual indeed. Tonight, we examine the profile of the underground hero known as Arthur Allblack! All this and more, tonight, on OKCupid."
I pull out a green jar as I go back to reading my book. Fade down.
Right then, books! That shit I use when I run out of rolling papers. I've read Rousseau's Discourse on Inequality, Fast Food Nation, Ishmael by Daniel Quinn, half of Jack Kerouac's writings and Diane DiPrima's Memoirs of a Beatnik, and all kinds of other cool books. John Waters said to never date a man who doesn't have a book collection, so I got that shit on lock.
Okay, you pretentious types that brag about not having a TV are proving nothing to me except that you're just trying to act like you're more superior than others, like vegans and Christians in Indiana. Truth is I love my shows. Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul, Doctor Who, Sons of Anarchy, Walking Dead and every other show that people cosplay at cons and such. You'll never see people cosplay shit shows like Burn Notice, even though that is a guilty pleasure of mine, but only because of Bruce Campbell, I loved that dude in Evil Dead and Bubba Ho-Tep.
Video games. Nuff said.
Music! And speaking of which, no more of this classical shit. Time to put on some Johnny Cash, currently I'm learning how to play his cover of Hurt from Nine Inch Nails. After that it'll be Sunday Morning Coming Down. Now instead of dropping a bunch of names, I'll mention the genres I'm into: Blues, ragtime, country, Classic R&B(Dale Hawkins, not that Whitney Houston shit), rock and roll, RawkNFuckinRoll(Motorhead, Sweet), punk(New York 77 to 80s hardcore), Oi!, Ska, 2Tone, Rocksteady, skinhead reggae, dub, britpop, funk, 80s-90s hip hop, and of course classical.
Food, who doesn't like food? Of course I love to eat food. I'll be like Anthony Bourdain and shit, I'll even eat food that's still alive. They eat scorpions in Beijing, right? Well pass that bitch over and don't forget the Sriracha! I'll eat anything, I'm like a reincarnated tiger shark.
So here are mine, and it's not gonna be about my guitar or anything. Though I do need that too.
1. My will to keep getting up after falling down.
2. The ability I have to help others and possibly change lives.
3. The love and support of my mother, who is always there for me.
4. Being alive and free.
5. Never having the fear of trying new things.
6. Overcoming my current fears.
Fade up to me sitting at the fireplace, packing a huge nug of Purple Kush into the pipe.
"That Arthur Allblack is one unique individual, isn't he? Definitely not your average run of the mill douchebags like in previous profiles reviewed. There is so much more to be told here, but unfortunately we must draw this profile to a close. We hope you've enjoyed your time here. Tune in next week as we highlight yet another sparkling personality for you, right here, on OkCupid."
Vivaldi plays as the lights dim onset, leaving the silhouette of me hacking up a lung after taking a deep hit. Fade out.
Funding for Arthur Allblack's profile has been provided by: Cannabis and Hash Incorporated, The Corporation for Public Attention Whoring, The WM Keck Foundation, and from the support of readers like you. Thank you!
Announcer(in James Earl Jones-Esque voice): This, is OKCupid
Butterfly in the skyyyyyy
I can go twice as highhhhh
Take a look, it's in a book!
A Reading Rainbow!