All blowjob offers immediately skip to "send message"; you don't need to show that you can talk to suck a dick. And if you frequent tumblr, I'm so sorry.
I'm just your typical, cis-gendered scum of the earth and I'm sorry for that. I'll be sure to check my privilege extra hard as I recite my prayers to the Almighty Matriarch of the Feminist Covenant tonight. May Her growing power bring about Femmageddon and the smashing of the evil, tyrannical patriarchy. Pls gib me de pusi.
I don’t know what I should say and evidently neither do any of you, so cut me some slack. If I had to describe myself I guess I’d call myself a cynical, caustic cunt. Yeah, I know, not quite alliteration, but it looks visually appealing doesn't it? It’s like some kind of visual alliteration; visualiteration if you will. Yeah, laugh now, but this shit would have totally flown in Shakespeare’s time and I’d be heralded as a literary genius instead of the struggling literary genius that I currently am. Read my fanfiction, you’ll see what I mean.
So, I’m a bit of an asshole. The lovable kind, though. Not the kind that would tell you you’re the only one for me while banging half the chicks in town, but rather the kind that tells you that you smell weird, asks where you got your clothes only to immediately ask if you if you had retrieved them from the toilet store and laughs every time you fall over or trip over yourself and bring it up every chance I get, but you still hang out with me because apparently you think this shit’s funny.
Oh, and I guess I have a bunch of interests and shit, but who cares about that, right? It’s not like I’m human or anything. Are any of us really human, though? What makes one human, anyway? Bam, philosophy. Aren't I some smart shit. I’m like Socrastopheles or Pluto, I tell you. Listen to my ramblings and I’m sure you’ll bask in how fucking intelligent I am; surrender your pussy to me.
All in all, though, I am actually kind of an alright person. I'm not nice 100% of the time (far from that) but I figure I'm just nice enough to maintain friendships and the interests of girls I think are cute. Just put in what you want to get out, be nice and you'll get nice.
Movies: Mostly comedies. I don't like horror movies because 1) they're not scary to me and b) it is just an awful experience for me overall, I fell asleep during The Conjuring because it was so boring. If that was the scariest that this year had to offer, then I don't want to be a patron of this genre. That being said, my favorite movie of all time is Anchorman. I can quote the fuck out of it. Notable mentions: Super Troopers, Ali G Indahouse, Rocky IV, The Expendables, Rambo:First Blood, Predator, Terminator 2, and Walk Hard. Probably tons more, but those are the one's on my my mind right now.
Shows: The Daily Show, Colbert Report and that's about it. I didn't grow up with TV much so I don't have the best repertoire of shows I find enjoyable. Introduce me to some, don't be shy. I also partake in watching anime. I mean, not otaku weeaboo level enjoy, but, with the right company, I enjoy anime. I'm totally into YouTube animations, though. Egoraptor, SexuaLobster, OneyNG, psychicpebbles, Spazkid, etc. And a plethora of gaming related shows on there like Game Grumps, Continue?, Caddicarus, and JonTron. I only really watch things on YouTube, sadly. Your Game of Thrones references will completely go over my head (but Breaking Bad is my jam, just don't tell me what happened in the 5th season).
Music: death metal and thrash metal are the best genres, debate me. My favorite bands are: Metallica (pre-Black album), Megadeth (Peace Sells, Rust in Peace, Countdown to Extinction), Slayer, Testament (I fucking love Testament. Like so fucking much), Death, Origin, Entombed, Amon Amarth, Pantera, the list just goes on and on. Also, I like just about all genres of music so don't feel alienated. I know it all, particularly old school hip hop. As of right now, though, I'm really into Death Grips. Experimental hip hop kicks ass. Also, if anywhere you mention Death Shall Rise by Cancer as one of your favorite albums, I will propose to you. That is one of the best death metal albums I've heard. Seriously, maybe top 10 album of all time.
Food: Mexican. Because I'm Mexican. Bias? Perhaps. Doesn't stop it from being delicious, though.
I'm throwing this in here because everyone else has one and I feel bad that I don't.
Video Games: Mirror's Edge, Grand Theft Auto (III-V), Disgaea (1,2,3), Persona (3 and 4), Pokemon (Red and Blue-Diamond and Pearl), Metal Gear Solid (every fucking game ever, it's a work of genius), Bioshock 1(Infinite was a huge disappointment, debate me), Devil May Cry (1-3, the new one is a bit iffy), Elder Scrolls (Morrowind and Oblivion, I thought Skyrim kinda sucked), Crash fucking Bandicoot (1-Wrath of Cortex and Twinsanity. RIP), Spyro(1-3 and Hero's Tail), and then probably Audiosurf, it's just so addicting. I have tons more that I played and some more I've probably enjoyed, but I'm drawing blanks. I'm a bit of a critic if you can't tell. I'd run a blog or some hipster shit like that, but that means I'd be playing games for someone else and that doesn't sit right with me.
Guitars: for when there are no boobs to play with
Cuddles: because a grown man such as myself still gets kinda lonely sitting on my fat ass playing video games.
Working out: because I need to lose aforementioned fat ass on my journey to Swolehalla; I've only recently accepted Brodin into my heart and am slowly working my way toward worshiping at the Iron Temple more often.
Water: because I'm a grown ass man and can make bullshit answers to bullshit questions when I want
Big ol' booties: because this question DEMANDS I have six things I can't do without. Also, I love big ol' booties.
Here's a serious one for you: my dream band that I would play in and write music for would be like some sick cross between Vektor, older Meshuggah, and Metallica's first four albums. Just some kind of super heavy, but catchy proggy/tech thrash. The thought has me jizzing myself here. If you could somehow make this happen for me, I'd literally cry from tears of joy. Let's make a band!
You're a stripper who will take quarters and/or just throw a broke college guy a bone. Seriously, I have $13.75 in quarters and I have no idea what the fuck I'm going to do with them. I mean, you can't just buy stuff with almost 14 bucks in quarters; stores don't take kindly to that shit. Just give me a private dance in my room and I'll lightly chuck quarters at you. Stripper pole not included, bring your own. And maybe, if you like me enough, you could throw in a free blowjob; that'd be super rad. I'm only half joking about the bj, to be honest.
You know what would be fucking super rad? If you wanted to be my sugar mama. I need money, you need loving, you have money and, for the right price, I have loving. It's a win-win!*
Disclaimer: "loving" may only be limited to cuddling on certain days, offer not valid Sundays through Fridays. If erection lasts longer than 4 hours, well, I have some news about your sex you might need to hear...
You want to make some tasty jams together or make a band and pretend that we make awesome music. Or you just want somebody to talk to about everything and nothing and everything in between. If you just want somebody to hang with, I'm totally the guy for that. Basically, just message me and we'll see where we go from there. If you want to add me on Steam, well I'm not gonna blatantly tell you it. I'll make a game of it for you: I left just the biggest of clues in this profile. Like if you can't find it, you're dumb. Figure it out, find me, and I'll add you for sure.
Or if you find this song to be as enchantingly morose and beautiful as I do. This is the best cover of anything I've ever heard. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RlaTHA_3u0o