If and when you do decide to roll up your sleeves and read my prose, you'll find A) I like writing. And I like exercises in self-awareness. And B) that I've put a lot of thought and effort into being authentic, transparent, and forthright. They are some of my defining characteristics. My original thought was that someone could sort of "get to know me" by reading (a lot of) my writing if they so chose. But the fact of the matter is I don't think it matters much. I haven't found this site, which let's me write and write and write, much better at matchmaking than, say, Tinder-- which, suffices to say, doesn't. That said, it's written. So I may as well leave this novella up until such time as I find that gal that makes it obsolete!
The latest add to said "blog" is a "DEAR BESTESTGUYEVER" letter and response from a new online dater and I think I gave her some pretty decent advice. If you're a woman that's new to online dating and you're not quite sure if it's for you or not, I'd recommend reading it (bottom of the "I'm Really Good At" section). If I wasn't new and I was going to skip a big piece of my profile, that is the part I'd skip first.
On to the self summary as it existed before the above:
One of my best friends (who knows me better than most and has the unique perspective of actually having had a couple year long romantic relationship with me a million years ago) and I were texting and continuing an ongoing conversation about what's important in a potential match for me. More specifically, why some somewhat recent "connections" with really great girls haven't worked out after (a month or three).
And I think she brought up a really good point. Basically, that I'm so devoted to open-mindedness sometimes that I forget what's key for me. Among other things, we were discussing intellectualism and whether or not it's essential in a potential partner for me. I always like to think of it as a nice thing to have but not necessarily a "must have." I have great friends to fill that void and particularly because I'm open to a relationship with a kick ass woman even if it doesn't have "forever" kind of potential (perhaps that potential will later materialize or maybe it's not "meant" to last). And its almost been a coin flip on whether the few women in my life that have really tugged on my heart strings have the ability to also pull on my brain strings. But, the fact of the matter is I've never had a lasting relationship with a woman that wasn't pretty damned sharp.
And because of that aforementioned devotion to open-mindedness, I don't really make a lot of rules about what I am looking for. I've kind of let myself know it when I find it (because there really are some different combinations that work for me). But she probably put it best when she texted,
(V/O whispers: THIS IS THE PART WHERE YOU FIND OUT WHAT HE LIKES).
"I think a lot of chemistry for you is a mental connection. I know the physical is very important to you but I don't think you are looking for drop dead gorgeous. I think you want simply sexy. And someone with a cute smile, bright eyes, good bod (not necessarily killer bod*) and AWESOME mind is what you need. I wish I had more single girl friends..."
I gotta say she was spot-on. (haha she SHOULD have more single girlfriends!) While "intellectualism" isn't necessarily a MUST, the "awesome mind" probably is for it ultimately to work...for it to last...for me to really have that feeling of "finding her"-- which is what I'm ideally looking for out of this.
*Killer bods, while not required, are also encouraged to apply. :o)
I'm an ENTP for those that care
Career is very important to me too, but it doesn't necessarily come first (it usually comes before music but not always first like it does for a lot of people). I won't sacrifice everything for my career so that I miss life and at the same time I don't want to focus so much on life that I don't have the means to enjoy it. Balance is key. If you are a balancing force, that's big bonus points.
EXTREMELY SKIPPABLE CONTENT FROM HERE THROUGH THE END OF THIS SECTION!
And apparently helping people with online dating advice. I wrote this as a reply to an email I received here and figured that maybe it can help someone else too. Maybe a book someday. Skip to the next section if you want to skip the Q and A.
You think people can actually meet on here and have something? I don't have clue. This is my first time and I don't know if I'll be on here long. Been on few hrs and the freaks have found me already!! blocked 3 lol
DEAR (NEW ONLINE DATING GIRL):
Absolutely. But, that's not to say you will. I know several people happily married, some with children--and even more success stories of great connections--that met online dating. I think part of being a woman in online dating is putting up with and ignoring freaks. Men don't have this problem (for the most part, women aren't creepy like some men are), so I don't think I can feel your pain exactly. But, you should absoultely be cautious first, and optimistic a close second.
Here's the problem with online dating as a woman: early on in your online dating career you'll likely want to talk on the phone a bunch to get a feel for the guy and because you're still too nervous about it to actually meet. But, the fact of the matter is that guy is probably not your guy (while it's easy to find "someone," it's hard to find that special someone). Frankly. it sucks when you spent 20 hours talking to that "awesome guy" over the last two weeks only to find out after 5 seconds or 5 minutes or 2 hours that you're not attracted to him in person, or his pics were old, or someone else's or for whatever reason the spark will not be found there. So, like it or not, it becomes a numbers game to some degree. My advice is to meet sooner than later. Take as much time as you need to feel good about it--because your intuition is your best ally-- but push yourself a little. It should be in a very public place and agree to keep the first one short--and ideally stick to it even if you think he's awesome. It's a good habit and maybe he doesn't feel the spark with you, despite those spectacular ass pants you're wearing tonight.
THEN if you want to spend a whole bunch of time on the phone before the second date, that's a good time to do that. At least you know you might be attracted to each other (or not!).
If you want to be really safe, get his number and text/call him from a private/blocked line. You can have his but he can't have yours until later. I'd say if he balks at this, move on. He should already know that far too many men are D-bags, creeps and trophy hunters. I mean with cell phones, it's not that big of a deal for him to have yours, but he definitely shouldn't know your home line, address, ANY of that sh!t until you're pretty comfortable that he's safe. Someone should know where you're going and have his number, name, any other info you have just in case. I've met a few women that developed a stalker by being too trusting too early. Better safe than sorry on this front.
I of course do none of that. But A) I'm a man (and women just aren't creepy like men except in some very exceptional cases) and B) I can take care of myself better than most. If you were my sister I'd beg you to do most of it.
So you need to work on your "creepdar" and be cautious in the meantime. If that scares you away from online dating, then it probably should. Most men are perfectly harmless, and most creeps weed themselves out in seconds--long before the meeting stage--and you just may meet the man of your dreams. But the important thing is to err to the side of caution and be very mindful of your sense of intuition, especially until you get comfortable with this crazy thing we call E-dating. In the next generation, the ones meeting in a bar (or otherwise not online) will probably be the "weird" ones. But, for now let intuition and cautious optimism be your guide!
Movies (Comedies): "Old School," "Anchor Man," "There's Something About Mary," "Mall Rats," "Office Space," "Fletch," "Caddy Shack," "50 First Dates," "The Hangover" (and for a sequal that starts with the phrase, "It happened again," "The Hangover II" was pretty damn funny).
TV:"Game of Thrones," "The Walking Dead," "Californication." "Family Guy," "The League," "The Office", Football, Baseball, "Tosh.0," "Ancient Aliens" "Through the Wormhole," "Ridiculousness," "Breaking Bad" (best show ever). "Better Call Saul" (if you liked Breaking Bad, you'll like it!)
Books: "The Hobbit," "Freakonomics." I'm fairly well-read, but that's more of a function of my education than a true-love of literature. Most of what I read these days is non-fiction. I guess I prefer to watch my fiction...and I don't necessarily LOVE to read. I do read a lot I guess, but just not really books that often these days...
Food: Mexican, Italian, French, Spanish, Cuban, gastro-American, steaks on the grill, Thai, Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these... Perhaps a vegetarian in principle (as in I sorta wish I was one from a philosophical stand point), but definitely a meat-etarian by nature and in practice. My pescatarian friends say I still am a great cook on veggie stuff and fish I've made them (fish-wise I personally tend to stick to shell fish and tuna, but I can make all types taste pretty good). I'll eat raw tuna with you anytime, but seaweed is one of the worst things ever!
Music: Sublime, Slightly Stoopid, Franti and Spearhead, Giant Panda Guerrilla Dub Squad, Stick Figure, Soja, Tribal Seeds, Jackie Mitoo, Toots and the Mytals, 311, Rebelution, Bob Marley (although, I'd like to ban "Legend" for about 10 years), Ziggy Marley, Stephen Marely, Damian Marley...anyone with the last name Marley, really anything reggae-vibed. Disco Biscuits, String Cheese, STS9, U2, Radiohead, Coldplay (even though a better name for them would be "U2 Ballads"), Jamiriquai, The Cure, The Smiths, Fleetwood Mac, The Pixies, Red Hot Chili's, Jane's Addicition, Wheezer, Sinatra, The Dead, Pink Floyd, Phish, WSP, The Beatles, Led Zepplin, Jack Johnson, G Love, Hendrix, Nathalie Merchant, Mazzy Star, Regina Spektor. Daft Punk. Miles Davis. Enjoy some pop for sure but dont follow their names that closely and I'm much more fickle. Locals: Taggart Transcontinental. Anna Soltys and the Familiar. Hello Dave. I could go on and on but those jump out at me. Oh yeah and whomever does the Mexican "Hotel California" -- Gypsie Kings perhaps.
Friends and Family
Singing or seeing live music
The female body
The fam's lakehouse!!
Boats (and the Flyboard...whoop whoop!!)
Breaking the rules!
I'm philosophical and creative but also practical and logical...somehow all at the same time (some would say it's that Capricorn/Aquarius cusp).
You might catch me thinking any of these thoughts in any given moment:
What's the best "outside the box" way to make a whole shit-ton of money?
Why did I pick that moment to break out my first career "shit-ton?" I don't use that "word," do I?
What do the similarities in the ancient texts of the different religions really tell us?
Does my group need to do more great, obscure, roots reggae tunes?
Should I start Peyton or Eli Manning this week?
If the Maya knew about the center of the galaxy when the "cultured white man" was worried about falling off the edge of the Earth what does that say?
Who should the Bears take in the 4th round?
What do I REALLY want to be when I grow up?
How do I accomplish or get back on track for this goal or that?
How can I help those two communicate better?
What ideas can I come up with to help her run her business better?
How do I get better?
Do I need a muse?
What to do...what to do tonight?
Isn't it ironic (don't ya think?) that Evolutionism takes just as much "faith" as Creationism...What could the answer really be?
String Theory (even though the math blows my mind)
What is the optimum number of fantasy baseball teams for me? I think it's two.
How does mainstream science STILL not have a convincing argument for how the Great Pyramid (and many other structures) was built??
What's my role in the balance of chivalry and feminism?
I like boobies.
That "A" on my chest isn't for adulterer.
(!emosewa rof s'tI)
If you're looking for "Mr. Mature" I'm probably not your guy. I may or may not be an old soul, but either way I'm a young 40 in many ways (I mean I have a band for instance). I'm fully capable of, and adept at, being a normal adult in individual settings, but not necessarily in life as many people think of it. I mean no one has ever accused me of having Peter Pan Syndrome, but (without looking at it's finer details) I might. I live in the moment more than tomorrow and I try to enjoy my life as much as possible--all while trying to be mindful of today AND tomorrow. I'm emotionally mature and I have no fear of commitment (well no major issues I'm aware of), so the PPS doesn't apply there. But, I'm not sure I'll ever "grow up." That said, I'm probably not much like that other guy you dated you wished would grow up. So, be cautious discarding me on that point alone.
Also, if I can weed you out without making contact or meeting in person, I probably will (that's kind of the point, right?). So if you "wouldn't date a smoker" (I won't be one forever but I am one today) or only date slim/toned men (same deal), which trust me I totally get, or I can tell from your pictures or otherwise upon further inspection that our chances for long term success are slim to none , I probably won't bother sending you an email, or may coincidentally appear to have given up on OKCupid, or whatever... I encourage you to do the same!! It may or may not be the wrong call (I mean I might have missed out on all my soul mates doing this), but I think it's the right "mobile dating" call. Let's weed each other out if we see deal breakers! "Offline dating" still has SOME advantages! Namely, that often what we would have thought were deal breakers end up being things we tolerate. Sé la vie. That's online dating for ya. Friends of friends is still the best way I say! Yet here we are.
1 "Cool Point" for first contact. You've proven you at least are not COMPLETELY living in a previous era of the male and female dynamic (hey, I totally get it. It's what we were taught before we learned to think for ourselves -- from the land of princesses, dragons and single income families).
I try to reach out right away when I see someone with potential. But, that probably happens less than it doesn't. More often, I hope to remember to find that cool profile I read (for four minutes while I was having a smoke or last night when I was trying to put myself back to sleep) and frankly it often doesn't happen. By that same token, if I didn't write you after "checking you out" it doesn't mean that I didn't want to or won't at some point. It's so hard to not be ADD when it comes to online dating. It's kind of an "in spurts" animal by nature, right? Appologies in advance.
That said, some key points on who should message me...
YOU SHOULD MESSAGE ME IF
(much of this speaks to you)
1) You're fun and like having fun above most things.
2) You think that seeing live music is a good way to spend a night out.
4) You think it's cool that my favorite hobby is music and I front a acoustic reggae and rock group (attendance is optional, but acceptance of it isn't). We usually play out once or twice a month.
5) You're a good "wingman" and can work a room on your own pretty comfortably typically. And by that I mean you don't have to completely rely on my socially. I'm not going to leave you hanging.
6) You're generally pretty easy to please (socially and otherwise) and typically enjoy most social settings,
7) You like the "football player/teddy bear" body type, yet don't share that body type.
8) Smoking isn't a deal-breaker for you. I'm not presently "trying to quit," although I don't plan to be a smoker forever.
9) Staying out on late on a Saturday into a don't get much accomplished Sunday isn't profoundly annoying to you. It happens more than once in a blue moon. Particularly after performances.
10) You're attractive, both internally and externally. People tend to like you, men typically like you A LOT, and generally you have good reason to believe that you just might be the sh!t.
11) You don't think feminism is stupid. (I tend to not get women that do. [I mean really?? Do you not understand what feminism is?? You must not.] And - while this isn't what I'm talking about at all, but is along those same lines - you'll back that up by not expecting me to pay for EVERY-thing. I'm not looking for OKCupid drink ho's. I've met a bunch. If you can't afford to buy at least 1/3 of the drinks/dinners/etc or so, that's one thing. But, if you can, you should. Correct me if I'm wrong. PLEASE!
12) You're looking for an equal. Not someone that puts you on a pedistal...not a sugar daddy...not someone that kisses your ass all the time..not someone that has to walk on egg shells around you...a lover...a best friend...a partner in fun...your counterpart.
BONUS POINTS: if you have brothers. Women that do have brothers generally seem to "get it" in a way that others typically just don't. It's not a hard rule by any stretch but I'd say there's a good 30 - 50% better chance of us hitting it off if you do.
I'm not exactly new to online dating. I've had some sort of online dating presence during times of being single practically ever since Al Gore invented the internet. Sorta crazy not to, right? In that time, I've learned a a few things:
First off, even though we all know some great stories about people that have met this way and ended up riding off into the sunset together, the odds of that being you and I are remote. It's NOT the best way to meet someone. Friends of friends is always going to be better. But, that said, I also think it's kind of crazy not to have an online presence if you're single. Why not, right? Worst case, more times than not it should at least equate to some good times with new, good people. I've met some really fantastic women this way (but NONE that have turned into a real long term relationship...it's not them, it's me?). And I've met some that were not so fantastic. So I'd say I'm generally--at best--"cautiously optimistic" about online dating.
PRETTY PLEASE. Try not to read too much into it if I don't treat our online "connection" the same way as if we had just gone on a date or three. I can go weeks at times (a few days is more common) without having time to put into a woman that might not even exist -- or even if I know that she does indeed exist, that I probably won't have earth shattering chemistry with. Apologies in advance. If it seems like I'm just not that into you, I'm not!! I don't know you yet! If it seems like I am, I'm NOT!! I DON'T KNOW YOU YET!! Add to this partial aloofness a bit of absent-mindedness (that may or may not be caused by my busy aloofness), and I can come across in ways that probably aren't exactly accurate at times. I mention it because I think by being slow to move or respond has sent the wrong message on more than one occasion (and moving too fast can also send the wrong message *rolls eyes at dating*). Sometimes I'm slow because I'm busy and sometimes I'm fast because I have a smart phone. But you shouldn't read far into either. While finding that special someone is somewhat of a priority, and even though it's usually at least a good time, it's a pain in the ass and ultimately has a low success rate. Thus it will probably always be fleeting for me...well until it's not.
Inherent in the above are some flaws I'm in touch with (and likely some I'm not). If you're an uptight individual, which sadly is one of those traits people tend not to notice in themselves, best to stop reading now (and my apologies, this used to be in the first section).
Also, I have this online dating presence with the ultimate goal of finding that woman with "forever" kind of potential. BUT, I'm also open to great connections that don't. I'm definitely NOT looking for a one night stand scenario (frankly, it's not that I'd be totally against it if the chemistry was right but the other things weren't, but I don't need an online dating presence to fill this void, and frankly it just seems like a gross way to fill it). If you're ONLY looking for any of those things, it's probably best to get that out in the open early. That way we can be on the same page about whether there's potential for (fill in your blank) or not.
And, (this is pretty hard to explain in a few words, but let's just say...) I'm running an experiment of sorts. This experiment is testing my theory that finding "my girl" (online or offline) is "bigger" than most of the little things I could do (ie, being too wordy in my profile, or being in pictures with women, or talking about an ex in the opening sentence of my online dating profile or coming on too weakly or too strongly in the beginning). Hence, I don't have a plan on which day I will call you after we meet or talk on the phone for the first time or otherwise how best to get across that I'm interested but not THAT interested. Pretty safe bet it will be longer or shorter than 3 days (just on principle alone). And, I believe that it's no more my job to call/reach out to you than it is yours anyway. Outdated social mores dictate that it's my job, so I try to respect it when I can, but that double standard needs to go! The feminist in me says you don't get to have all the perks of the modern era AND the "olden days" (but if I thought I could have my cake and eat it too, I'd probably attempt this as well).
Once we meet (or after we meet, or at any point in time that you ever know me) if you just want to know how I feel about you so far, or about anything in general about me or what I know or feel, ask me a direct question and you'll get an honest answer. That's right, with me you get a lifetime membership to the TRUTH EDITION of the Truth or Dare game. I'm truly an open book to those I love. I'm not saying I never ever lie. But, it's pretty uncommon and even more so if I'm asked a direct question.
I believe that the games we play to make ourselves more attractive to the opposite sex just lead us to wasting time with people that aren't ultimately "it." Similarly, coming on too strongly shouldn't break a deal that had a high ceiling either. In other words, if we manipulate someone into liking us or liking us more (some call it playing games) we don't end up with much in the long run. If we blow it by not playing it cool enough in the beginning, there probably wasn't much to blow in the first place. So generally, I just end up going with what feels right, combined with what life dictates. I'm quite sure it's turned some off. Who knows, it's possibly turned some on. All I can do is try to be authentic and hope that someone that I find to be amazing feels the same way about me. I'm pretty sure it will all work out, although not necessarily via online dating. Then again... not necessarily NOT via online dating either.
Lastly, and in case I didn't make it abundantly clear, "fun" is of supreme importance to me. I believe that the couple that has fun together, stays together. If you and I aren't (at least potentially) GREAT partners in crime, well then what's the point? Let's face it. You and I are both pretty spectacular and have lots to do, with little time in our weeks to throw away. You're not for everyone and neither am I...(and vicey versy). If it's not a great time finding out, well then how will we ever get there? By the way... congratulations! If you made it this far without cheating you DO NOT have ADD! So there's that...
Oh and about height...I'm like 6' and a half an inch. I put 6'1 to indicate that I am NOT actually 5'9 or 5'10. (Whisper: if you didn't get that one it means you're short or brand new to online dating or both!).
Whether I ever meet you or not, good luck out there. Be smart, be safe, and be yourself!