67El Dorado Hills, United States
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My self-summary
Think of me as a visitor from a vanished civilization: an Edwardian gentleman, displaced in time, sometimes channeling my inner Walter Bagehot... at other times perhaps a Fabian Socialist like Bernard Shaw (a delightful talker, but not much action) or the extravagantly amorous and visionary HG Wells.

Mens sana in corpore sano, right? Somewhere above 144 IQ and a couple of Ivy League degrees, ran the 2003 Portland Marathon and finished in the exact middle of the field. (A satisfactory performance at 53, on a base of 6 months of training.)

My mind runs on many parallel levels simultaneously, and I skip from subject to subject, often without warning, and sometimes in the middle of a sentence.

Working as an architect I take a 'constructive' view of life. (and lard my conversation with bad puns.) I'm a gentle, kindly, generous person, but there's spring steel underneath my compassion, and I'm pretty Type A whether in the studio or on a job site.

I share very few of the beliefs that seem to comfort - or at least occupy the minds of - my neighbors: their politics, their religion. But I'm an understanding and respectful skeptic.

Having been at one time an anthropologist, and a classical archaeologist, standing beneath the Sardian acropolis amid the moonlit ruins of the temple of Artemis Ephesia, it is hard to take very seriously any particular claim of absolute eternal truth or value. Especially the shallow pretensions of suburban religion.

But it is also impossible to dismiss the perennial recurrence of great themes in human culture - and human emotional life - as meaningless.

I know very well the sources of popular beliefs deep in historical time, and as deep in childhood yearnings. I respect their apparent usefulness in other people's lives. I even apply them in my own. I just don't believe in them.

"A mind, once stretched by a new idea, can never regain its former dimensions." --- Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

I do take great comfort in music, both as a hearer and performer.

The living archetype of the "wounded healer," I believe in understanding clearly, without prejudice, and living with courtesy, fierce compassion, and inner intensity: doing my best - physically, mentally, spiritually - as long as I'm alive and able.

I think great-hearted emotional impulsiveness is a rare and wonderful quality.

Now, as I am introducing myself on a "dating" site, in a shame-bound America obsessed with middle-class respectability, and as I do not wish to mislead anyone, I must clarify my all-important Relationship Status. "Available" is not explanation enough, it seems.

I am available for friendship, and friendship is a very strong word for me, involving deep engagement and loyalty. It is not trivial. I have no particular preconceptions about friendships either having to BE sexual - or AVOID being sexual. This seems like the sort of thing that grown-ups ought to be able to work out for themselves (if they use their words and don't hit). But once I form a friendship, it will likely be lifelong. I have only a few friends, but each is filled with meaning.

Many women have been taught that becoming the exclusive proprietress of a gentleman's affections validates their own femininity, all their other admirable qualities, and their social status.

I wish to argue against this sort of enterprise since it prevents a woman from fully living her own life if she is playing to a male audience. Paradoxically, she isn't really emotionally present and accessible to the man she wants to love her. A similar argument applies to men with equal force. Both sexes should, I think, first attend to living with complete freedom and integrity. Then we can value, respect, appreciate, and care for one another as equals and not be distracted by background agendas.

Love isn't sex, and sex isn't love. Both are quite nice, and it is especially delightful when they arrive together, but they are different (aren't they!) and it is self-deception to imagine that either can be bartered for the other.

I have plenty of great conversations and exciting activities and collaborations with people who I never expect to find in my bed, and the only reason I bother mentioning this is that I don't want anyone feeling they've been tricked or "betrayed."

It may be worth mentioning that in Europe, marriage among the creative classes is (as often as not) a genteel fiction that helps children grow up feeling emotionally secure. A man and a woman each are able to maintain their original identities and independent lives while raising children together. Their respective lovers do a great deal to stabilize the marriage, by helping each of them to hold onto their sense of individual selfhood and integrity. They remain vibrant and lively, and fascinating to one another.

Here marriage has been made into a sort of institutionalized STD quarantine that we must put up with, in order not to alarm the benighted evangelicals, or frighten the horses.

There are any number of ways to enjoy stable, long term relationships. Cataloging my own, first of all, I have lively conversations and very loyal, affectionate relations with four furry felines, a German Shorthaired Pointer, and his girlfriend, a Catahoula leopard dog. They often share my bed, and I do love them, but sex? Goodness!

In addition, the multiple HUMAN relationships that I loyally sustain, simultaneously(!) include fatherhood, brotherhood, and cousinhood, and what I suppose we have to call an "Open Marriage" of sorts (for lack of any better name) ... which is something that many people apparently expect me to apologize for.

My wife certainly doesn't!

After 20-odd years together, she (a horticultural soil scientist, avid gardener, and award-winning quilter) understands just as well as I do, from her own actual experience, that on the rare occasions when either of us actually has an active intimate connection going with another adult, this neither distracts nor detracts from, but rather enhances (by illuminating and clarifying) our mutual appreciation, and enriches our lives with new ideas and activities introduced by the third party. The daily routine perks up quite markedly! We are reminded of specifically WHY we got married, and take responsibility for our choices.

At present, though, distance, family responsibilities, and professional commitments mean the "Open" aspect of our "Marriage" is, alas, back to being totally theoretical. We each exchange emails and holiday cards with long-absent lovers, but 99% of the time, we live just like anybody else.

So I am no match for Don Giovanni... no Leporello would sing:

"Madamina, il catalogo è questo
Delle belle che amò il padron mio;
un catalogo egli è che ho fatt'io;
Osservate, leggete con me.

In Italia seicento e quaranta;
In Alemagna duecento e trentuna;
Cento in Francia, in Turchia novantuna;
Ma in Ispagna son già mille e tre."

For us, "Open Marriage" amounts to nothing more than an easy-going, generous, and cheerful approval of our partner's attraction to (and for) other people. Our (adult) kids know all about it, think our occasional lovers are nice, and have similar views themselves. And interestingly, they are (if anything) markedly LESS promiscuous than their peers as a direct result.

We are very well aware that some other people are tormented by jealous anguish, rages, and so on. Othello, spousal abuse, all that stuff. Very sad. This is clearly pathological, and to us seems rooted in deep insecurity, and is most disappointing. We are grateful we are not similarly afflicted.

Now, it would be as unseemly for anyone to mock those who suffer jealousy as for an athlete to mock a person who is disabled and confined to a wheelchair. But neither is there any reason for us to pretend we cannot walk independently, when we are able.

The various privileges and benefits we get from being legally married do help us care for each other, and help out my son, and her son and daughter, who all are supposedly adults. And of course being married (and respecting other people's expectations) allows us to socialize harmlessly with colleagues and neighbors who otherwise might be all a-flutter over nothing.

Otherwise, our married status is a more-or-less unavoidable concession to emotional limitations that we simply don't share - and very expensive at tax time (due to AMT and bracket shift). (Why the government taxes you more depending on who you sleep with, I simply don't get...)

If you hope to meet interesting people, maybe this will seem an interesting wrinkle... Or if you already enjoy, or think you would enjoy, a similar relationship (open marriage, polyamory, or whatever you want to call it... maybe "acting like civilized adults...") then what the heck, read on!
What I’m doing with my life
"All, all, of a piece throughout;
Thy chase had a beast in view;
Thy wars brought nothing about;
Thy lovers were all untrue.
'Tis well an old age is out,
And time to begin a new."

-John Dryden, from his "Secular Masque"

Between 2006 and 2011 I led the turn-around of a $330 million hospital construction project at the UC Davis med center, that had gone off the rails: all sorts of crazy problems.

A brilliant young designer on my project team (happens he's black) brought me the "The Daily Onion." Over a picture of Obama's inauguration, the headline proclaimed: "World's Worst Job Given To A Black Man."

"That's YOU!" he said, laughing. "It was the three previous designers who screwed this job up, but now, whenever some new issue crawls out from under a rock, we all say, 'Oh man, this looks ugly... better call John...' "

I really LOVE taking charge amid chaos and forging a superb achievement! So , what am I actually doing? For one thing, I'm building another hospital ($220 million) that I hope will be a good deal less likely to kill patients than the one it replaces...

In 2012 had a lead role in re-organizing the operations of our local electric utility, SMUD, to adapt it to a dramatically changed business model.

In 2013 was in Turkey trying to build a $200 million cancer treatment facility for the Kurds, but the Gezi Park riots broke out (compromising PKK peace negotiations with the Erdoğan government) and then ISIS got a little too close.

For 25 years, I've continued being a good father to three kids (a son 24, a stepson 28, and stepdaughter 30) and being a loyal partner, and a very good friend, and a persistent erotic enigma, a car-fixer, garbage dumper, load-lifter, un-clogger, un-corker, and general maddening intellectual and emotional shit-disturber both to the women I love... Stagnation and complacency are NOT allowed.

And since I was oh, I don't know, maybe 14 or 15, I've been trying to imagine, and build, free cultural institutions and expansive personal relationships in the place of the tribal repression and self-delusion that surround us.

As Calaf sings in Puccini's Turandot, the sterile night of fear must pass, and as the light dawns, truth is revealed.

Nessun dorma! Nessun dorma!
Tu pure, o, Principessa,
nella tua fredda stanza,
guardi le stelle
che tremano d'amore
e di speranza.

Ma il mio mistero e chiuso in me,
il nome mio nessun saprá!
No, no, sulla tua bocca lo diró
quando la luce splenderá!

Ed il mio bacio sciogliera il silenzio
che ti fa mia!

(Il nome suo nessun saprá!...
e noi dovrem, ahimé, morir!)

Dilegua, o notte!
Tramontate, stelle!
Tramontate, stelle!
All'alba vinceró!
vinceró, vinceró!

Puccini writes this as the nightmare of the First World War has ended: Europe shakes off mass death, Imperialism, the tyranny of autocratic rulers, the choking hypocrisy of a corrupt Church. The Twenties! Jazz, dance, and sexual freedom! Art! Social justice! Wealth and pleasure for all!

Of course... it didn't quite work out. Paris and Tin Pan Alley turned into Prohibition, Fascism, Stalinism, and worse horrors: WWII, Cold War paranoia: nuclear annihilation, religious fanaticism, eco-catastrophe...

Love struggles against Death and Tyranny: we choose Life and Freedom! The work isn't done yet.

And whenever opportunity presents, I courteously undermine people's false certainties, and I validate their impulses toward freedom. I offer illuminating tidbits of obscure knowledge that reminds us all that this great fight against ignorance, prejudice, superstition and tyranny has been fought by countless generations before us. It is we: artists, visionaries, scholars, scientists, whose talent and courage and generosity have always prevailed.

Like Dryden's Momus (the ancient spirit of comic ridicule) who speaks the lines quoted above, I think it is ALWAYS time for a clear-eyed and good-humored new beginning.
I’m really good at
Not getting burned as a heretic.

I make myself a genial companion and maintain a tactful silence in the presence of neighbors and colleagues who are spouting the usual banalities.

I nevertheless stay alert to those rare but critical "teachable moments."

I also am an inexhaustible conversationalist when I find a kindred spirit.

I'm a genius at overextending myself to help others (and I need to get that into better balance with my own needs!).

I'm a pretty good operatic Bass (some classical recordings - performed at the Newport Music Festival, various premieres, etc.)

I've saved people's lives in three different emergencies.

And I'm pretty good at planning and directing gazillion-dollar construction projects.

I've also become competent at yacht racing, hiking, running, skiing, bicycling, and even volleyball in an effort to find fun ways that I can waste time pleasantly.
The first things people usually notice about me
Tall, dignified, quiet, but well-spoken when I choose to speak, I'm the sort of person you notice from across the room. I move with silent grace. I focus my full attention on you, and come up with the most unexpected connections.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Movies: generally prefer classics that incorporate a bit of madcap humor (Mr. Blanding Builds His Dream House, anything with Kathryn Hepburn in it (Bringing Up Baby, The African Queen), anything with Cary Grant in it, Fred Astair, or Cole Porter. Also like many foreign films (The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Topsy-Turvy, Brazil), and films from independent studios that deal with masculine emotional life: (Hidalgo, Delovely, Master and Commander). Occasionally I get REALLY lucky and somebody does something wonderfully insane like Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy!

Books: Heinlein's Time Enough for Love, and the five astonishing sci-fi novels of Doris Lessing (of all people!), and speaking of odd and marvelous excursions into sci-fi by "serious" authors, The Star of the Unborn by Franz Werfel (who is otherwise known as the author of The Song of Bernadette, and of The Forty Days of Musa Dagh, and as the ultimate husband of the irrepressible Alma Mahler, in parallel with, and subsequent to, her marriages to Mahler the composer, and the architect Walter Gropius, and love affairs with painter Gustav Klimt, theater director Max Burkhardt, composer Alexander von Zemlinsky, painter Oscar Kokoschka, and various figures of the Vienna Secession...)

Everything Vonnegut ever wrote, Asimov, Richard Brautigan's A Confederate General from Big Sur and Even Cowgirls get the Blues. The wild and sexy picaresque novels of Brazilian Jorge Amado...

Jacques Barzun's marvellously urbane history of Western Civ: From Dawn to Decadence. Stephen Jay Gould's vividly reasoned essays on paleontology and evolution; Robert Feynman's lucid Q.E.D. Quantum Electrodynamics. Hofstadter's Goedel, Escher, Bach - an eternal golden braid. All the comic stories of P. G. Woodhouse (Jeeves and Wooster).

The surpisingly insightful novels of Patrick O'Brien, starting with Master and Commander (the movie didn't even come close to the books - which amount to Jane Austen for guys, using Napoleonic naval history as a backdrop to explore the inner lives of men in love and friendship); Robert Graves' The White Goddess, I Claudius/Claudius the God, King Jesus, and his war memoir Goodbye to All That; Mary Renault's historical fiction. John Updike.

Solzhenitsyn's Gulag Archipelago and One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovitch. Paul Fussell's Wartime, a vital explanation of how WW II propaganda profoundly undermined American values and and structured today's mindless, conformist, consumer culture.

Tolstoy, Dostoevsky, Goethe's oddly prescient novella Elective Affinities. Herbert Marcuse's One Dimensional Man; Stephen Mitchell's Freud and Beyond and Can Love Last? D.W. Winnicott in praise of the "good enough mother" and Alice Miller on The Drama of the Gifted Child.

Progressive scholars like Elaine Pagels, John Dominick Crossan, Marcus Borg, and Robin Lane Fox: their vivid presentation of the origins of Christianity explodes the false certainties of popular religion, with a coherent explanation of the original Jesus movement in an archaeologically valid context of Pythagorean mysticism, Hellenistic polytheism, and Roman imperial policy in the 1st through 4th C CE.

Why is this important? Because juxtaposing canonical scriptures with the gnostic texts from Qumran and Nag Hammadi profoundly alters the presumed meaning of once-familiar teachings and illuminates the totalitarian and anti-feminine impulses of contemporary conservative evangelical religion.

Too many more to list.

Music: Just a few...Purple Haze, Smoke on the Water, Jefferson Airplane - Go Ask Alice, Conquistador, Rick Wakeman, and Emerson, Lake & Palmer. Carl Orff's Carmina Burana, the original 13th C. Carmina Burana, Bach's St. Matthew Passion, Monteverdi's Vespers of 1610, Monteverdi's operas, Mozart's Requiem, Don Giovanni, Cosi Fan Tutte, Die Entfuerung aus dem Serail, Die Fledermaus, Strauss' Das Rosencavalier, the chamber music of Boccherini, Cherubini, and Beethoven. Palestrina, Dowland, Purcell, William Byrd, and the trumpet voluntaries of Jeremiah Clark. Dixieland Jazz. Big band - Swing, jitterbug. Kurt Weil's Dreigroschen Opfer. Cabaret, A Chorus Line, Cats.

On TV, "NOVA," "Frontline," "The News Hour." Odd that BBC avoids showing the highbrow programs that run on PBS, but they remind us that our British cousins aren't prudes any more (Continentals, of course, never were), and gives us howlingly funny "guy humor" like "Top Gear."

Ever watch "As Time Goes By" on PBS? Everybody who knows me agrees I'm Lionel Hardcastle. "House" is an unexpected oasis of intelligent commercial TV.
Six things I could never do without
People have survived quite a lot of things they didn't think they could get through. I don't know. A paper clip, a peanut shell, and three pieces of lint... What would McGyver do?
I spend a lot of time thinking about
oh, a LOT of stuff... irony, utopian ideals, fantastic scientific discoveries, space exploration, the recurrence of Bronze Age mythological themes in ludicrous pop culture fancy dress...

Let's start with marital demographics. Now THAT's a sparkling, romantic topic for you!

Given the rates of divorce and single parenthood, and a lot of the postings you see on this site, it seems that just over half the 20-something women in America seem to ignore decent, achievement-oriented men, and fall for the first dumb-ass arrogant jerk who plays up to their Pretty Christian Barbie Princess thing.

So, why do girls keep falling into the same trap?

Remember that talk about "feminism?" If you follow the advice on TV, and set out to barter sex for security, o my well-beloved, then as surely as then-there's-a-baby-in-a-baby-carriage, the men who you will end up with are the men who only want sex...

Turns out the aeternal quest for The One, the Soul Mate, is totally self-defeating ...because your truest Soul Mate, the one who has always been there, and always come through for you, is that very smart and pretty girl who is looking out at you from the mirror.

NO man can EVER give you your security, your identity, the life you were intended to live. Security, identity? These you must either find within yourself, or learn to disdain as a childish illusion! Nobody, NOBODY, can give this to you. Contradiction in terms. When you take total responsibility for your own happiness, seizing your life, embracing joy and pain alike, THEN the game changes completely.

You do NOT wait for a Handsome Prince to awaken you. Being confident and secure, you smile, you banter, you encounter men with open curiosity, as equals and as delightful companions, mysterious in their paradoxical masculine power and utter vulnerability... and sex that YOU initiate and explore for your OWN pleasure becomes joyful play and intimate communication, and sacred experience, and a truly creative / procreative celebration of life that you share with your lovers.

Turning the critical spotlight on my own failings, I also consider why I have spent so much of my life THINKING, when I intended to connect with intelligent women to conceive children with me, and to raise them in a community of sane values, self-sufficiency, and kindness. (I believe I recall that thinking does not cause pregnancy...)

Well, I've been a good feminist ever since the 1960's, and I've helped lots of women in their careers, but now (WTF?) I'M 60-some (how the devil did THAT happen?!), and I doubt women of childbearing age are much interested any more.

Oh, yes! Aaaaand, apart from pondering our lunatic public health policies, and the best way to re-organize dysfunctional health care organizations, I systematically explore the sources of human self-delusion and the persistence of suffering in the face of both good intentions and fantastic, planet-destroying expenditure of resources.

Compassion. Right action. The inner sources of joy and calm. Anomie and consumerism as opposed to the profound satisfaction of meaningful work.

(Kind of Buddhist for an ironically-minded nominal Episcopalian, eh?)

Dukka; Samsara; Kundalini; Tantra. The Medicine Wheel. The Wheel of Dharma. The Noble Eight-fold Path. The Heart Sutra.

I'm relieved that (even though Obama wuss-ed out with the "bi-partisanship" shtick and let the Party Of No block everything) at least with Obama's election, we have narrowly avoided the kind of religious police state that Franco created in Spain... which is what the social-conservative wing of the Republican Party have in mind for us.

In view of the smug religiosity of our own puritanical pseudo- neo-con Evangelical Christian Taliban, I find it both amusing and comforting to trace, in what we blithely call "Christianity," the all-pervading themes that were lifted verbatim from classical pagan polytheisim: the neo-Platonist mysticism of Plotinus, the mysteries of Dionysos ...the archaeological reality of the early Christian church as opposed to the sentimental fables taught in Sunday school.

I really think that the religious Right has gotten so far out of control, and has so much political power, that Americans need to take a time out, and digest the real history of Christianity: how the teachings of a marginal Jewish apocalyptic cult centered on one Jeshua bar Miriam were re-packaged, garbled, and then conflated with the long-accepted traditional beliefs of the ordinary, respectable pagan moral majority by a ruthless, ambitious Roman emperor!

For ordinary, normal, god-fearing pagans the god who was personified in sacramental barley-bread and wine was of course Bacchus / Dionysos, son of the lustful Juppiter / Zeus ...begotten upon a "virgin" mother named Semele / Selene... etc., etc. ...and the personage routinely understood to be "Dei Filius," the Son of (a) God, was the Emperor, the heir of the deified Augustus.

Now, the 4th C public relations campaign that turned into the Christian church was contrived during a power struggle between two rival Roman emperors: Maxentius claiming the spiritual backing of the newly glamorous Persian, Mithras the celestial Bull-slayer, whereupon Constantine seized upon another exotic Oriental deity, called Jesus, variously styled "Christos" (the anointed priest-king) or "Chrestos" (the good man) who was said to have slain not a mere Zodiacal Bull but Death itself.

Constantine defeats Maxentius at the Battle of the Milvian Bridge, and his soldiers and supporters use the Christian chi-rho monogram as a partisan emblem celebrating the victory. The emblem is a clever political pun: Chrestos (Our guy, the good guy) / Christos (Our anointed king) / Christos (the god of the christian weirdos who somehow has been magicked into being the patron of Our Emperor).

Voila! A very Jewish carpenter who preached integrity, wit, and ironic compassion in the face of [Roman] tyranny in Judaea is (at sword-point) miraculously tranformed into Christus basileus pantocrator: Christ the King, Ruler of the Universe, the new divine protector of the Eternal City of Rome. The Peace of God has become the Pax Romana!

Oh, yeah, and the morality that rescued the "Woman Taken in Adultery," you know, "let him who is without sin cast the first stone?" ...all that is blended with neo-Platonic / Pythgorean anti-woman mysticism and turns into a harsher version of the PAGAN reproductive program of imperial Rome, as set forth in the decrees of Caesar Augustus...

Good grief! O, irony piled upon exquisite irony! It is truly beyond parody! O, Divina Commedia!

Though we should blush to admit it, awareness of such hieratic PR puffery might help us understand far better the organizing values of our own supposedly secular society, and why it is so vital to keep religion out of government.

The fact that we still worship pagan gods thinly disguised under new names ought to tell us something psychologically important is going on, but how anybody can claim that Holy Scripture is the literally true, inerrant Word Of God, and therefore we ought to execute all homosexuals, is beyond ridiculous. It is intellectual criminality!

I attend church for the same reason the Centers for Disease Control keeps frozen specimens of smallpox and polio virus. For study. The Episcopal Church preserves the pagan evidence even better than the Catholics do, and the whole business with Henry VIII and his wives exposes the political dimension of religion in delightfully effective ways. AND they have the best music. AND the Church of England at least had the good sense to expel the Puritans, who sailed off to America to set up a theocratic paradise, the New Jerusalem of Massachusetts, where they would have religious freedom to hang Quakers and burn witches.

We all NEED to experience ancient State religion to understand what a State religion IS, its allure, and its danger. And then like a certain Jewish carpenter, we will be able to preach integrity, wit, and ironic compassion in the face of corporatist or Calvinist tyranny.

I also try to trace in specific the many ways that neurochemical disorders teach us about the relationship between "Mind" and "The Brain." I try to help people understand why people who are mentally ill do what they do, and how they can be helped.

I think about International economic development and the global spread of liberal/democratic political institutions; the striking role of sexual liberation in cultural progress and personal growth. Global warming. Green technology. Planetary exploration. Environmental balance.
On a typical Friday night I am
If it is above 80 degrees, catch me floating in my swimming pool (possibly with a martini), looking at the stars... or reading something new... or re-reading something particularly valuable. Otherwise, relaxing on the terrace by the waterfall after a good laugh watching re-runs of The Daily Show.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
Sure, I'm fairly affluent, but suburban consumer culture creeps me out, and clinging emotional possessiveness gives me a chill premonition of impending doom.

Are we completely nuts in this country? Millions of us seem to be convinced that finding THE perfect man or woman and living in THE perfect house and driving the perfect car is going to stop us being unhappy.

Good Lord! People! Please! This is loopy magical thinking at best, and at worst, the sort of dangerous obsession that leads to whole families being wiped out when the deranged hubby decides to commit wife-icide.

All over the world there are millions, billions(!) of people who are perfectly happy (or completely bored) in every conceivable marital situation - multiple husbands, multiple wives, no mate at all, multiple lovers, friends with benefits, strictly monogamous, computer geeks who are monogamous except for having an avatar who is married to and cheating on another woman's avatar in an on-line role-playing game, wife-swapping swingers, open marriages, polyamorous networks... You name it. Every kind of "normalcy" the human mind can imagine!

Who we sleep with and how we find a way to raise children doesn't determine how we feel!

Happiness comes from inside you. If you want to be happy, don't lie. Be true to yourself: Don't pretend to like things you don't like. Embrace what you really enjoy, do what actually works, and have the courage to act on your boldest inspirations.
You should message me if
Well, if you've read this far, either

1.) there is absolutely NOTHING on TV, or
2.) you are reacting with a sort of horrified fascination, or
3.) you are astounded and delighted by the idea of a man who is interested in forming active, purposeful partnerships that encourage social progress, high culture, the de-bunking of neo-fascist religious tyranny, and personal liberation.

(--- not that I'm a celibate, of course, but first things first!)

If you check box three, you might want to get in touch.

Only, before you do, America's preconceptions about romance being what they are, and me being so unlike most men you've met, in so many ways, it would be useful to understand our respective goals.

First of all, what on EARTH do you want a man FOR?

Because all the other girls have them? Sex? Security?

Or is there an enterprise you would like to share? Like singing madrigals (you need a Bass for that) or canoeing Sierra lakes, (stern paddle, and help with portages). Or starting a winery up in Amador County (run machinery) ...and for THAT one you want to meet my wife too!

You know, "man" does not necessarily equal "husband, " or even "potential husband." There are men you can call "partner" or "unindicted co-conspirator," too.

I think I mentioned already that I don't see myself with a tattoo on my forehead that says "Property of so-and-so. If found, please return to Wife."

I am looking for friends. Not casual acquaintances. Friends with a capital "F;" the kind you keep, the kind you trust, the kind who you know you can count on for the rest of your life. We start by having fun together. And the rest comes along as we figure things out.

Possibly - not necessarily - "friends with benefits." If you are either scared of sex on the one hand, or alternatively, if you are utterly obsessed with escapist sexual adventure on the other, that is not a real good sign.

Hopefully, instead, you know your own mind, have long since accepted your sexual nature, and you feel confident exploring and satisfying your desires whenever it seems appropriate, particularly in the context of an ongoing, or at least emerging, and well founded long term relationship.

IF you and I decide to conceive and raise children together, THEN we might need to renegotiate who is married to whom. But interesting as that might be, it would surprise me a great deal. Not least because the Census Bureau is telling us that most girls now don't bother to get married before they have babies, but also because I'm pretty sure that as soon as we got pregnant together, my wife would want you to just move in and all be a happy family together.

In sum, you should message me IF you are interested in forming a friendship that has a focus, a purpose; if you are impatient with preconceived personal expectations; if you shrug off social convention and chart your own course; if you have courage and imagination and ambition - if you would value challenging companionship with an intelligent, creative, experienced, thoughtful, and genuinely interested man.

On the other hand, you will surely be disappointed in me if you are searching for the kind of "soul-mate" who will magically relieve you of responsibility for your own happiness, for an easily deluded sugar-daddy, or for other flummery of that kind.

Obviously, I have quite responsible but unconventional views about sex and marriage and personal loyalty and achieving real emotional intimacy. My views are based on years and years of study, reflection, and difficult personal experiences.

If you have it in mind to contact me, I strongly suggest you try to understand how I apply those ideas to my personal circumstances at the moment. Please go back up toward the top of this page and click on "Journal" and read the long post I have put up there. (You may be excused if you identify as poly, or approved equal, since you've already got the picture.)

Oh, and I'm also looking for a local (El Dorado Hills) running partner as I train for the California International Marathon. I've got a lot of weight to lose, so I'm doing slooooww 5k and 10k runs midweek and long runs on the weekends. I'm targeting a finish time of about 4:40.
The two of us