38 St. Catharines, Canada
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My self-summary
For One Week Only! ***** For One Week Only! ***** For One Week Only!

For one week only, Carys "All-you-can-eat-boobie-buffet" Ehlwinn¹ will be speaking at INSERT LOCAL MALL HERE about her best-selling book Poetry for the Literarily Challenged. The book, originally published in 1978 is a compendium of the author's most popular, bizarre or outrageous quotes and writings. Carys has been touring across INSERT COUNTRY HERE for the last three months performing select readings from the book, and answering questions from the media and fans. If you want to get in on this amazing opportunity to hear Carys Ehlwinn speak live, in person, then make sure you get to INSERT LOCAL MALL HERE early, because the seats are likely to fill fast! As a special incentive, the first 50 people through the door receive an autographed copy of the author's newest book The Big Book of War - a Treatise on Zapp Brannigan. (retails for $39.95)

Not familiar with Carys Ehlwinn or her book Poetry for the Literarily Challenged.? Well, below are some excerpts from the most recent edition for your perusal.

Carys on Drugs:

"I'm a staunch proponent of ending cannabis prohibition. Cannabis prohibition has failed, and it's ruined too many lives. Adults should not be made criminals for using a substance that has been proven to be safer than tobacco or alcohol. I believe that cannabis should be legalized, taxed, regulated and sold to adults. Legalize, Regulate, Educate, Medicate." - pg. 420

"The Government infringes upon a person's basic human right to decide how they want to treat their own body. The Government is not a baby-sitter, and it's not elected to save us from our own stupidity. I don't need to have my hand held. If I want to stick a needle of heroin into my veins I should be able to. I don't want to stick a needle of heroin into my veins, but you get the idea." - pg. 212

"Look, I can't say that I like the man. I can't stand him, actually. He's a pompous, degenerate ass. Still, it's a complete legal and human rights travesty to imprison him (and Michelle and Greg) in a U.S. prison for something that shouldn't be a crime in the first place. Free the BC3." - pg. 567

Carys on Polyamory:

"I'm happily married to a wonderful man, and we've got a beautiful baby boy. There is nothing I lack in my relationship with my husband, I'm not looking to find a missing piece through polyamory. I'm not looking for casual sex. I'm not even really *looking*. But I'm open to the possibility of extramarital relationships with like minded people. The keyword is relationship." - pg. 93

Carys on Abortion:

"Abortion should be legal. Absolutely. It may be trite, but my body, my choice. That's what the issue is. Women (and nature) have been performing abortions since time began, it isn't some new invention. The change is that it's a hell of a lot safer now. Making it a criminal action just forces women back to using coat hangers." - pg. 119

Carys on Race:

"I don't see why racial distinctions exist these days. There are more genetic differences within the different racial groups than there are between them. I'm not a big fan of labels, but at least labels like man and woman tell you something about the person (what kind of sexual organs you'd expect to find, or whether or not the person is theoretically capable of getting pregnant for example), whereas racial labels just perpetuate stereotypes." - pg. 250

Carys on Prostitution:

"Prostitution needs to be legalized. The Government isn't here to legislate morals. Prostitution is like drugs, it's the prohibition that causes the greatest harm. Legalize prostitution; regulate it, require licenses and STI tests, get it off the streets and into designated areas. Treat it like a business, which it is." - pg. 69

Carys on Religion:

"I vacillate between the label athiest and the label agnostic. I don't believe that there's any greater, supernatural power out there, but I realize that it's impossible to know, well, anything at all for certain. It's all just a best guess, based on how we interpret the data that our senses provide. Some think that Secular Humanism qualifies as a
religion, I'm not sure that I do. But if I had to pick a definitive label, yeah, that'd be it. Secular Humanist."
- pg. 6-7

"Scientologists make baby Jebus cry." - pg. 666

Carys on Homosexuality:

"I knew this guy once, and one day we were talking on the phone and he kept returning and returning the conversation to the fact that "gays are too in your face". He didn't necessarily dislike gays, he reasoned, he just didn't like how they were so open about it, always on the news and in the media bringing attention to it. They should keep quiet, he opined. I, naturally, got immediately suspicious. Not surprisingly, two days later he revealed to me that he'd been entertaining the notion of enjoying some bi-curious activity... Unless they've been brainwashed, er... brought up
religiously, to condemn homosexuality as a sin, anyone who is a vehement homophobe is bi-curious too."
† - pg. 73-74

"I'm not a huge fan of the label bi-sexual, at least not as it pertains to myself. I think it's more a love of people in general, if there's something about them that I find appealing. It's less about sex, for me. Though don't get me wrong, sex is good, no?" - pg. 1

Carys on Nudity:

"I'm a nudist. Mostly. I don't go outside naked, but that's largely due to the current illegality of nudity. Also, the crippling agoraphobia doesn't help, much... I'm mostly kidding about that last bit." - pg. 13

Carys on Capital Punishment:

"I'm completely against capital punishment. For starters, it costs quite a bit more money to execute a prisoner than to house a prisoner for life, when appeals and the like are factored in. There's also the problem with executing innocent people. Mostly though, death is the easy way out. I don't believe that there's an afterlife where the condemned will have
to atone for eternity in a lake of fire. You kill someone, they're dead. Let them live and face the consequences of their actions for the rest of their lives."
- pg. 838

Carys on Being Emo:

"Cut it out with that sad bastard crap. I'm very sad that your mother didn't buy you that new sports car for your birthday, or that you caught your girlfriend giving head to the captain of the football team, now let it go. Those of us who have been genuinely suicidally depressed think you're pretentious twats, so I can only imagine how those without mental illnesses must view you. You make me want to rethink being a pacifist." - pg. 134

Actual Testimonials from Previous Attendees!

"I am interested in your ideas. Do you have a newsletter I could subscribe to?"

"I am shocked. I am appaled. I am shocked and appaled. Never have I heard such horrible language. It was obscene. And why did she need a puppet show to illustrate... oh I can't even say it... An old lady actually fainted!"

"I never actually, you know, read the book. But the cover looks nice."

About the Author:

Carys Ehlwinn is a 30 year old human female, with one husband and two children, a son and a daughter. She has a temporal homesickness for the 1970s. She has Borderline Personality Disorder (or BPD for those who prefer acronyms). Her MBTI is INFP, emphasis on the iNtuitive. Her biggest pet peeve is when people misuse the word irony. She really, really hates Emo. She is an insomniac.

I am made by, highly skilled, and Chinese babies
What I’m doing with my life
14 Questions with Carys Ehlwinn²

Greater Poop: Today, we play 14 Questions with groundbreaking author Carys Ehlwinn. Let's get right into it.

Q. So Carys, what are you doing with your life?

A. First, let me start by saying thanks for asking me to do this interview. I read the Greater Poop daily, this is truly an honor.

Hmm... what am I doing with my life? Well, writing... of course. I've recently gotten into marijuana activism. I make a point to learn at least one new thing each day. And as of January 16th, 2007 I've been busy being a mom, or as my son knows me, the all-you-can-eat-boobie-buffet.
I’m really good at
Q. Tell me, what kinds of things do you think you're really good at?


Well, I have a surprising knack at getting my son calmed down when he gets fussy. It usually involves sticking a boob in his mouth.

Then again, isn't that generally useful for pacifying most males?
The first things people usually notice about me
Q. You're pretty reclusive. You're not seen in public much. Tell me, what's the first thing people usually notice about you when they meet you?

A. Well, that depends upon the gender of the person who is noticing me. Excepting gay males, I'd imagine most men notice my breasts first. I know one or two men who haven't yet realized that I have a head. They're pretty hard to miss.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Q. OK, who do you like to read?

A. I'm currently worshiping at the altars of Robert Jordan, Thomas Pynchon and Robert Anton Wilson. The Illuminatus! Trilogy is a must read.

Q. How about movies?

A. Wow, I love movies too much to have just one favorite. My favorites include, but are not limited to: A Clockwork Orange, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (The BBC version), Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory, The Neverending Story.

Q. Television?

A. I don't watch much, though it's usually on in the background for ambient noise. My real weakness is cartoons. I love cartoons, especially (in no particular order) Futurama, South Park, The Simpsons, Clone High, The Oblongs, Undergrads, Invader Zim, Looney Tunes, and Animaniacs. House is one heck of a show as well. I love that miserable bastard.

Q. Who is on your IPod?

A. I don't have an Ipod.

Q. Sorry. Who do you listen to?

A. I'm pretty picky about music. I love anything sung by either Maynard James Keenan or Matthew Good. The occasional Pink Floyd is good too. My favorite song of all time, I'm mildly embarassed to say, is Take on Me by A-Ha. I've got a weakness for 80's music.

Q. What about food?

A. Love food.

Q. Any, uh, specific foods?

A. Heh. Love seafood. Chinese food is a favorite as well. Cannabis food goes without saying, especially food baked by Puff Mama. When I'm not touring, I love a Titanic Submarine from Maestro's Pizza. I'm trying to ink a deal as a spokesperson as we speak.
The six things I could never do without
Q. Tell me six things that you could never do without.

A. Hmmm, tricky. OK, my children, marijuana, my intelligence, the internet, my collection of books, and my cat's ashes.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Q. What's on your mind right now?

A. Right this second? Hmm...In no particular order: my son, marijuana and a) how to legalize it b) how to educate the public about it c) is my dealer holding any, the paradoxical concepts of the universe and eternity, why people insist on believing in God, why there are so many ads for pharmaceuticals on television and why I should talk to my doctor about them instead of vice versa, when I will get a full night's sleep again, and why Sprite is so addictive, amongst others.
On a typical Friday night I am
Q. On a typical friday night you are:

A. Up to my armpits in baby poop.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
Q. Finally, we finish up with the juicy stuff. Carys, what's the most private thing you're willing to share with us today?

A. My mother died when I was 23 from Pancreatitis, due to Alcoholism. I did not find out my mother was an Alcoholic until
she died. My family is ashamed of this fact, and forbad me to tell anyone. I am not ashamed of this fact, and so tell everyone I am possibly able to. Perhaps if they'd been less ashamed, one of them might have tried to get her some help.

Also, when I first hit puberty, I used to read the sex passages in V.C. Andrews novels when I masturbated, those being the most erotic works I had access to at the time - you guys who have jerked off to the bra and underwear page in the Sears Catalog know what I'm talking about.

Finally, I get turned on by math and logic. No, I'm serious. Physically turned on.

Greater Poop:

Thanks Carys, for being such an, heh, open book. In our next edition, look for our interview with Malaclypse the Younger.
You should message me if
1) If you want to subscribe to my newsletter.††

2) You have feedback about one of my tests:

The Could you be A Baby-Gaga Bitch Test

The Totally Random A-Z Trivia Test

The Which Dr. Seuss Book Are You Test

The What is your Learning Style Test

3) You enjoy debating, especially about controversial or heated subjects. *addendum* You must be able to debate without using the words bitch, whore, idiot, etc.

4) You can speak English at least passably. Sorry, but this one is a must.

5) You've seen the fnords.

You should absolutely *NOT* message me if you:

a) Are Emo. Please see above.

b) Are looking for cyber/to get laid/etc.

c) Don't know how to use the word irony properly/are looking to convert me to your religion/think abortion is murder/think homosexuals belong in hell/think any genders or "races" are inferior to yours/believe in the existence of highly organized, totally secret, ritual killing Satanic cults/follow Scientology/are a psychiatrist who thinks all BPD's are the same/would never vote for a woman for President/Prime Minister, simply because she's a woman (*especially* if
you're a woman, I know too many of you already - you also make me want to rethink being a pacifist)/are a Quebec Separatist (strange that this bothers me since I'm not even remotely patriotic, but it does, it really really does. I don't like you)/think everything needs to be censored to protect your precious children from your half-assed parenting.

(note: If you send me a message, it may take me a while to get back to you. I have two young children, so I don't have that much time to myself.)

¹ Not her real name. Author wishes to retain her anonymity to avoid being stalked by obsessive fans/being sued.


† Studies prove this to be true to within a 0.000000001% margin of error.

†† Newsletter does not exist.

CarysEhlwinn™ - Accept no substitutes.