33 Chicago, United States
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My self-summary
I like cats and am basically looking for someone to do some of my favorite activities with. I enjoy cuddling, I mean, yeah... I'm definitely a cuddler. I also like to share intimate baths with my cat, or the occasional shower if we're short on time.

My cat is really important to me.

While I put my orientation as "straight" above, I want to mention how much I HATE HATE HATE how OKCupid defines that crap. I'm really more of a polycatamorous pseudo-semi-queer sub/dom 50/50 split.

Ugh, these are the worst to fill out.

If you wrote anywhere in your profile that you have "trust issues," please do not message me. Seriously.

Unless you think my cat is cute.

Which reminds me, can you assholes who keep flagging the pictures of my cat because she is "not me" stop? She represents me and it is very, very important that anyone I might connect with like her. So stop.
What I’m doing with my life
Taking care of my cat mostly. It's a full time job. She has kitty diabetes, so I'm constantly testing her blood sugar. I don't want this to dominate my life though, so I do like to do other things. Sometimes I'll go for bike rides. If you like to ride around the city, you should message me, we can go for an adventure. I've got this old milk carton I've bungee corded on to the back of my bike with a pillow inside for my cat. She can go on adventures with us too.
I’m really good at
Feeding my cat. I make my own cat food DIY out of mice carcasses and Flinstone chewable vitamins. Sometimes I'll bring my cat a dead mouse or bird that I find outside. You know, as a gift.

Cleaning up kitty mist. Really good at that.

I'm also really good at making poems about cats. This is a good test of whether we'd be good together or not, whether you like my poems or not. My ex girlfriend had this cat I adored, so I wrote him a poem and, well, we didn't last long after that. Here, take a look at this, message me if you want me to write a poem about your cat.

A review of my ex-girlfriend's cat in the form of a poem:

Her cat is blind, as in,
he has no God damn eyes.
He just sits in her living room
caterwauling at enigmatic shadows
that simply are not there.

I like him.

Black with patches he's
gangly like me and boney
like your grandmother in
the last days of her life.
She was blind too, wasn't she?

I like him more than her.

What do you think? It's longer, but I don't want to put more than that, it's pretty epic. With that kind of wordsmithing about cats you'd imagine any woman would fuck me.
The first things people usually notice about me
Cat hair. All over me. People like to pick it off my clothes. It's fucking annoying. I am proud to wear my cat's fur with all the little flecks of dead skin hidden in the clumps! I've actually had less of it on me lately because I've been collecting them. The oranges and whites and browns - all of them! I've been weaving things out of them. Hats and speedos. She's soft against my skin.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Music: Cat Scratch Fever, anything by Cat Stevens...

Movies: The cat from Outer Space. Pretty much anything with cats. Except Cats the musical. Even I don't go for that shit.
The six things I could never do without
1. Cat's beautiful green eyes.
2. Cat's thick fur.
3. Her pretty paws.
4. Her slender tail.
5. My cat's darling nose.
6. And her tart little asshole.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
On a typical Friday night I am
At a bar, taking in the atmosphere and cheap beer with my cat. I go to a little bar in Pilsen called Jellico Gatos.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I'm an open book! And honest! I'll tell you anything, just ask.

I mean, if you want to know something... Sometimes I don't think about my cat. I know it's bad. My cat needs me to protect her. I should always be thinking of her best interests.

Also, I have a deep hole under my balls.*

Something weird... My mom loved cats too, but my dad was allergic. So after I was born they made a compromise, since she wanted a cat and he didn't, she was allowed to treat me like her cat for one hour a day. I liked it, I'd just meow and rub up against things, it was nice. She'd pet my head and I'd jump up on the kitchen counter to eat out of a bowl. Things got weird when she'd bathe me, cleaning me with her tongue, but she had to make sure she had a clean kitten, and she did. I'm a clean kitten.

*Some would say this makes me a hermaphrodite. When I was a kid, my mom told me it was my kangaroo pouch. I like that.
You should message me if
You think my cat is cute and you're DTF.

No ugos.