If you want to get a better idea of who I am just add me on Facebook. Most of the stuff I have here is already on there and probably more up to date: http://facebook.com/carlosvalencia
If your definition of a crazy late night outing is staying out past 9pm you might as well stop reading now, wild child. I'm not a crazy party animal but I do tend to stay up later now than when I was in grade school.
I'm a nice dude with a low tolerance for humorless cunts, both male and female. If you're offended by any word in the English language you'll probably get mad at me eventually.
If you're open minded, intelligent, and have a good sense of humor I'm probably gonna love you.
I hug on the first date.
Whenever possible I like watching Jeopardy with my mom. Like a fuckin gangsta. #thuglife
Just because I'm not looking for a relationship doesn't mean I only want to fuck. I probably won't be able to sustain an erection if we can't even sustain a conversation.
If we're more than an 80% Match then I probably didn't read your profile and am just assuming you're awesome. If we're less than a 30% Match or more than 40% Enemies then there's probably something seriously wrong with you and you're a bad person.
I'm looking for a woman that will either jump on top of me and start fucking me in public the moment they see me, or one that will meet me at a chapel and start our date by getting married. Nothing in between.
If you ever find yourself wondering whether I'm kidding or not, odds are I'm kidding. The only thing I take seriously is comedy.
In case you missed it, "starving artist" is a romanticized way of saying "broke motherfucker". Which doesn't mean I expect anybody to buy me lunch, I just ain't paying for yours... wait, ladies, where are you going??
Also people tend to think I'm either Amish or Jewish because of the hat, facial hair, and the fact that I often wear dark clothes. I'm neither. I just like hats, don't shave often, and own a lot of dark clothes. It might look like I'm going to a funeral, but if you'd seen as many jokes die as I have, you'd be wearing black all the time too.
Comedy: Mark Twain, Doug Stanhope, Dave Attell, Bill Burr, Louis CK, Mitch Hedberg, Maria Bamford, Sarah Silverman, Bill Murray, Jon Stewart, Lenny Bruce, Todd Barry, Greg Giraldo, Brian Posehn, Dave Chappelle, Norm Macdonald, George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Andy Kindler, Bill Hicks, Andy Kaufman, Steven Wright, Sean Rouse, Brendon Walsh, Jim Gaffigan, Brian Regan, Neil Hamburger, Zach Galifianakis, David Cross, Patton Oswalt, Patrice O'neal, Nick Vatterott, Kyle Kinane.
Music: The Strokes, Interpol, Tool, Tom Waits, Rage Against the Machine, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, K.K. Slider, Iron Cordoba, Sigur Rós, Jeff Buckley, The Darkness, Misfits, Slayer, Frank Sinatra, Cursive, Bright Eyes, The Arcade Fire, Desaparecidos, The Hives, Leonard Cohen, The Thermals, Flaming Lips, The Flametrick Subs, The Walkmen, The Beatles, Wilco, Weezer, The White Stripes, Yo La Tengo, Tango, Jazz, Classical, Kings Of Leon, Sepultura, The Ramones, Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson, Stellastarr, The Velvet Underground, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Drive-By Truckers, R.E.M., Queens of the Stone Age, System of a Down, Wesley Willis, The Pixies, Daniel Santos, The Dears, The National, The Libertines, The Postal Service, Radiohead, Danzig, Soda Stereo, Cafe Tacuba, Caifanes, Guns N' Roses, The New Pornographers, Pavement, Ted Leo and the Pharmacists, The Doors, Franz Ferdinand, Sonic Youth, LCD Soundsystem, The Faint, The Frogs, Godspeed You! Black Emperor, Pink Floyd, The Cure, Beck, Coldplay, Daft Punk, Danny Elfman, Aimee Man, They Might Be Giants, Belle & Sebastian, Death Cab for Cutie, John Prine, Daniel Johnston, Manu Chao, Wu Tang Clan, Benji Hughes, Crackers And Snackmeat, Eyes Of The Elders
Movies: Falling Down, Memento, Insomnia, Inception, The Dark Knight, The Dark Knight Rises, Singles, World's Greatest Dad, God Bless America, Windy City Heat, Trainspotting, Run Lola Run, The Neverending Story, The Devil's Advocate, Unforgiven, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Napoleon Dynamite, Edward Scissorhands, Heat, Life is Beautiful, Amelie, Braveheart, City of God, Chasing Amy, American Psycho, Seven, The Matrix, The Shawshank Redemption, Clerks, The Silence Of The Lambs, 12 Monkeys, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, The Big Lebowski, The Unbookables, Snatch, The Professional, Terminator 2, Adaptation, Death of a Paddleboat Lover, Goodbye Lenin, Waking Life, The Fabulous Baker Boys, Hero, Hiroshima Mon Amour, American Movie, Wings of Desire, Adaptation, The Thirteenth Floor, Reds, Freaks, The Dead Poets Society, A Few Good Men, A Perfect World, Picnic at Hanging Rock, Road to Perdition, UHF, Punch-Drunk Love, My Dinner with Andre, Dogville, Breaking The Waves, Short Circuit 2, Magnolia, Hard Eight, The Devil's Advocate, Fight Club, The Hudsucker Proxy, The Doom Generation, The Motorcycle Diaries, Quick Change, Salò, Groundhog Day, S.F.W., The Usual Suspects, Toy Story, Pi, Dr. Strangelove, Requiem for a Dream, The Life Aquatic, The Royal Tenenbaums, Bad Santa
Books: I don't read as much as I'd like to but some of my favorite authors are Howard Zinn, Chuck Palahniuk, Bukowski, Dostoyevsky, Nietzsche, Socrates/Plato, David Sedaris, Hunter S. Thompson, Oscar Wilde, Vonnegut, Bradbury, and some of my favorite books are A People's History of The United States, The Little Prince, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The Silence of the Lambs, Fahrenheit 451, On The Road, Brave New World.
TV: Don't watch much TV anymore but when I did: The Wire, The Sopranos, Deadwood, Oz, Breaking Bad, Mad Men, Battlestar Galactica, Six Feet Under, Jeopardy!, Arrested Development, Cheers, Seinfeld, Night Court, Louie, Mr. Show, The Kids In The Hall, SNL, Letterman, Conan, Kimmel, Portlandia, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, The Simpsons, Bob's Burgers, South Park, Space Ghost Coast To Coast, MST3K, Archer, Adventure Time, most stuff on Adult Swim.
I'm a night owl and don't often have to be up early so I prefer hanging out on weeknights (Sun-Thurs). Less crowds = Less douchebaggery.
If you want to meet up for a drink.
Also, odds are I won't message you because I am incredibly intimidated by your smashing good looks. If I do message you though it's probably because I've been drinking and the alcohol has overtaken my intimidation. I will however reply to any messages sent my way regardless of who sends them. I like women that aren't afraid to make the first move.
Also, it's ok to just say "Hi" even if you haven't read my whole profile. I don't mind getting to know people through conversation. You know, like humanity has been doing for the last 10,000 years.