Cluckidee
28Asheville, United States
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Cluckidee
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My self-summary
My authenticity is both an illusion and a chase. I mimic. And that's how I built myself. Identity seems to me to be in constant flux and I particularly value expanding that identity I call myself. The joy isn't in defining, it is in the unlearning. I see my me like a movie at times, and describing that elusive peeling away is best done through a series of moments.

I've been through so much, and I'm coming out of that in ways visible on the surface and beneath it.

Moment: present. Unlocking my positive masculinity, and freeing myself from social norms whenever I can. When it comes to such triggers as masculinity, it's often a war. The adventure is in admitting it doesn't have to be.

Moment: future. Still, I'm all about learning to express myself and developing deep and meaningful connections. I like yoga, meditation, and exercise. I force myself to be practicing and playing the harp because I so love singing and want to accompany myself one day. I love writing. Some other artistic mediums as well.

Moment: past. In the social world I tend to blossom best in slow and thoughtful dialogue, with pause for flair and a laugh. I love to enact what's going on in my head. My eyes do a lot of my talking for me. I'm good at catching up with my social "accidents." I come from the fear of being immoral, and it motivates a lot of my actions.

Over all - I'm learning to juggle the sea and the land. I'm spacey and practical minded, teaching my own light and dark sides to shake hands.

Some of my other hobbies include a little hiking/camping, cooking/baking, herbalism, going to random meetups, negotiating philosophy, looking at art, sidereal astrology, and hosting general tea table talk.

Moment: continuous stream: "People" have enabled me to keep uncovering the things that I love. People became the first love affair in all my isolated childhood. So, I have a truly passionate love for society, even if it is only seen in hushed tones.

My myersbriggs is INFP (Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving).

I'm a Virgo sun, Pisces moon, with a Cap Ascendant.
What I’m doing with my life
While I center myself in building relationships, each seemingly chaotic step is forming a pattern that I can't wait to see more clearly.

But I want to become a musician. I'm unconventional and don't do academia anymore. It isn't my thing. But I'm luring myself back into it for the right reasons.

I recently gave up the vision of myself as a healer, and have embraced that archetype inside myself, rather than outside. Excited to see where the step takes me. I'm hoping he teaches me how to play the harp better.
I’m really good at
Singing, writing, intuitive arts, honesty.

I am good at knowing people the way they choose to know themselves, and at relating with them there, and here from within myself simultaneously.

Conversation is my most admired artform and I find it unending. When something in me hesitates, I am still hearing every word in a dream that is unique between us. There are no gaps in languages that remain unresolved. Our dreams do so much for us in the daytime. Right now I'm learning small talk all over again.

I still have social anxiety, so you can say my flaws are my strengths. For stability, I just enjoy the moments where I feel. For chaos, I remember how infinite unity really can be.
The first things people usually notice about me
But really I am a fairy.

I try so hard to be special that I make my normal-ness plain and simple and right under your nose. Am I ringing any bells here? I feel like I am talking about everyone ever. I'm sure that isn't totally true. I think I'll leave this explainstion for a private message.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I enjoy Victorian novels. I enjoy Victorian everything. I really love the Bronte Sisters and Oscar Wilde gets me. I also very much enjoy all forms of Poetry, and need someone to bang me over the head to remind me to read the books I have before buying more. I read astrology texts, and I just recently dove into wild by Cheryl Strayed and really loved it. I like a lot of wilderness type books but I haven't yet made it through Walden.

My current reading is a book called opening the inner eye, about all the studies done on intuition.

As for music, I truly do love most all of it. But the music I go out of my way to hear has a striking Folk predominance. Joanna Newsom's a good name to throw out there, because she's weird with it and I needed that. I like first aid kit, snatam kaur, coco Rosie, Kate bush, electric light orchestra, the milk carton kids, grimes, nico, bon iver, James Blake, beach house, Purity ring, star fckr, and many more. I was raised with classics like Denver and Simon & Garfunkel.

My favorite kinds of movies run along the lines of Eternal Sunshine and Stranger than fiction. Shows are Once Upon a time, True blood, BUFFY, and others to embarrass me further. Like Charmed. I wish I liked more educational things. I probably would. Don't really own a tv though or a computer.

As far as food goes, I love sushi the most.
Six things I could never do without
1Yoga!
2Tea!
3Community! (Around food. But also without is acceptable.)
4Nature!
5Romanticizing!
6Art.

Food. Food. Andddd Food.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Sex, food, possessions, profession, relating, why I never cry, and in gratitude for everything that is so beautiful even when reality is so near to awful.
On a typical Friday night I am
Practicing harp, doing art or gathering with loving peoples. I'll go anywhere and do just about anything, but I'm not a night owl at all. I go to bed early. Practicalities...
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
That I don't believe videos or pictures of myself are really me. Oh, also that I'm very much against the whole "anti-ego" movement in society, I think it is unhealthy.

But since I like to get wordy, here's a chapter on what's truly private for me - a person who has fought hard to say he loves mystery.

Chapter outline:

I-I'm mean.
II-I enjoy sharing confusion.
III-A I always fall in love first.
III-B You wouldn't know it.

Through silences that evolve in-between relationships: I tend to inspire. Even if it is only myself. I work hard to keep myself together when I travel to the caves of lovers in dreams, lighting fires and fleeing. The truth is, I inspire by incident. The whole process of inspiring is not solely a good thing when inner conflicts go unresolved. To be great means you have to be fixed from the emotional concept of brokenness... A dear gal pal once told me that brokenness is an illusion. In silence, I argue. I argue a lot. I might know this about myself.

Well, a hand is dipping into the pot of empty. I'm seeing I've set the tone for you to know what my presence is like. Escape words. I'm not even using them. If I run, I'll run with you. I keep checking to see you've come. But something never feels quite right.

Sometimes conflict is just another philosophical conversation, made personal. Other times, we think it hurts; maybe it doesn't. I am still learning to tell myself the difference in pain and pleasure and this confusion does affect my relationships. I am so sorry about it! <3 Trust saves me often. But what happens after the honey moon?

I'm sure that some people, and at times myself, are more afraid of love than they are desperate for it. I have learned that even when any relationship stops making new sense, it is important to work with what you have left on the table. It would seem that conflict in relationships has been necessary for me in order to get to know someone truly. Conflict is usually what a person thinks is wrong with me. I must "obviously" never like to talk about it. This is my negative relationship cycle. What survives, remains profound to me. But there always seems a fire to put out, and a crises to avert. I like to let things burn slowly. Summer time comes and the ashes become face paints. Why are you still digging in the mud when it is time to dance with dirty feet? Sweat, is cleansing too. That's what I think we should go do together. Maybe I ran off without you - but I could never believe it.

I handle my voice poorly under any psychological break from synchronicity. And while there's beauty to be found living in a constant chaotic mental state of change, staying there makes me feel like I carry an inactive gene for mental illness. I work best when my moments flow like they are each as precious as the next.

When I am done scratching at the surface of what is really wrong with me, I beg forgiveness for doing so, and package up time in a box with a bow and hand it over. Because obviously, what we find wrong is never about just ourselves. This is why silence is such a part of the conversation of life, when two people share it.

There is a pattern of loss in life that is perhaps a map of the biggest flaw to know about a person. Perhaps this is right now my pattern, my stuck cycle. Perhaps the knowing is a treasure of sorts, and even so, I just can't give up the ideals of true and pure unity. Equality is what makes this information come slowly to me. I see myself as capable of perfection. And then in repose, I am determined to see everyone I love as truly perfect. Because I categorize flaws in an ornate system, all self perception becomes flowing nonsense words. Faults are so hard for me to grasp - anyone else out there with me? This is my flaw. My imperfection is here in the middle of me and I can see it. How is it that I can't know it? I'm true. I'm honest. I would tell most people never to fall in love with me. But I'm too fair to say it really.

But each loss pattern seems particular to individuals. Mine is mine. With each romance I push myself through, I aim to learn separateness, and then work it back together like a mechanic of the cosmaniac womb. I love to loose my innocence simply by knowing too much. Flaws can be what we love, but the at the heart level we love it all. I think we have to, for our own sacred living.

It is like I haven't transcended sacrifice. Therefore, whether it is naive or not, I do believe in a Utopian existence. At times.

Equality, right? We all have a lot to work on - I'm just not sure how two people do it at the same time. From afar, relating has always lookedlike a mirage of multitasking. Something magic happens when two people have loved eachother for a long time. I've never had that in a romance before.

At the end of each love lesson, I thank goodness for knowing nothing. Even for a broken heart. Fuck egos.

I seem to hurt others when my back is turned. In the animal kingdom this is truly cruel. That is my safety net, this animal kingdom makes room for learning from mistakes. I can't bear hurting the ones I love, though I honor the roles that hurt plays in life. I do that because I see growth there. And because I still get to treat emotions like the weather treats my own. What is my truth? I love your ego so much.

Whenever I feel out the flaws of others, I leave a little of my own flaw behind me. I think that because this is highly personal for everybody, it can be hard to manage at times. Certainly hard to own up to, at others. But grace is free with friends, and I even call my enemies close to me with what is a special care between us.

So...

Maybe I'll never achieve pure communicating, and never know that I am already showing that I care, but I never regret helping others reach higher understanding. This is true even if the process turns out sacrifice within the interdependency struggle. The result of loss is always the same: what makes it through fire is more worth keeping than what doesn't. Besides, when it comes to relationships I'm a complicated person, who acts in very simple ways. Misunderstanding has become my newest, most ancient challenge.

I'm a shy person that needs to open up and find a person that isn't me. And that's very private, isn't it.

My inner conflict always comes out, and while I let out that guilt, I truly believe cruelty does not have to be a part of reality in any way. If you get to know me, I will be learning lessons through YOU, my one and only guru. That's no more pressure than being yourself. I'm so thankful that this life has taught me one key principle in getting through myself, all the way to others: It is our flaws that unite us, never do they merely isolate us. Flaws are the doors to so much greater material.

Haha! I'd love to meet you all, and any one who would take this time reading a silly profile ^_^

Peace, kindergarteners.
You should message me if
- You know how to act like a child… intentionally.

- You laugh.

- If you are educated about gender, as opposed to sex. When I was masculine, I was so open to so much feminine; when I am now seen as fem, I am not often blessed by that same courtesy. I don't understand it much. I think our society has an all things womanly phobia. But gender identity, I think, is similar to speaking in alternate languages. Gender fluidity is important if you wanna play.
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