Over all - I'm learning to juggle the sea and the land. I'm spacey and practical minded, teaching my own light and dark sides to shake hands.
Know these about me if you read the ensuing novella: I'm super insecure about joking about everything all the time, but I do. I'm also serious, and that's just my style. I'm so serious.
Some of my other hobbies include a little martial arts, hiking/camping, cooking/baking, herbalism, laughing, negotiating, philosophy, artistic activism, sidereal astrology, sharing viewpoints, and hosting general tea table talk.
"People" have enabled me to keep uncovering the things that I love. 'People' became the first love affair in all of my isolated childhood. So, I have a truly passionate love for society, even if it is only seen in hushed tones. I'm kind of... a loner at heart.
My myersbriggs is INFP (Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving).
I'm a Virgo sun, Pisces moon, with a Cap Ascendant.
My dreams come from a real place, but my conscious mind is completely in the way of them. I've been laughing for years about the wonders and blessings of a broken heart. Currently mine has made me busy. I know there's no such thing as "better than reality", so maybe I'm not in the way of myself. I'm learning that perspective still. You know, optimism? I have the spare time that I have, and I am optimistic that I will find others who are in sync with the magic between us and in our own journeys, respectively. I'm a big "scheduler."
All these small chapters still create the biography of my dreams, my pragmatic goals. While I center myself in building relationships, each seemingly chaotic step is forming a pattern that I can't wait to see more clearly. For my dream, by the way, is to become an Artist and Healer. I'm unconventional and don't do academia anymore. It isn't my thing. My main tools for healing are astrology, herbalism, art, and whatever else I can throw in... somehow I want to make music for healing. Still digging... it is wet and muddy. I need cookies.
My highlighted self becomes a giant bottle of social lubricant after a thorough investigation. I am good at knowing people the way they choose to know themselves, and at relating with them there, and here from within myself simultaneously. I may be good at being a mystery, but it is a lucky accident.
Conversation is my most admired artform and I find it unending. With me, when you speak there's a silence all around you. When something in me hesitates, I am still hearing every word in a dream that is unique between us. There are no gaps in languages that remain unresolved. Our dreams do so much for us in the daytime. Right now I'm learning small talk all over again. Dreams too. Interpreting symbols is a skill of mine.
I'm so very good at discovery of others. I think that this human ability is underestimated, often.
I say I'm often hard to understand, but that understanding itself is my purest talent. For stability, I just enjoy the moments where I feel. For chaos, I remember how infinite unity really can be.
There's nothing worse for an ego than more attention than you need, so I rely on mutual intensity a lot for not loosing my focus. My eyes tend to drive other eyes away, but I might regret never looking.
I tend to bring a lot to the surface without really calling it out. People talk to me like I know everything they are feeling. I love sharing humanity that way.
I think creating a healthier relationship with self like this is truly sweet. You know I feel... I know how you feel... it's like getting tapped on the trick shoulder and not recognizing it was you who did it. BAM. We have things in common. Connection. Yay :)
The other thing to notice about me might be that I'm plain. I go to great lengths to deny this, but really I am a fairy. Scary. Ahem. Serious. Ahem. FAIRY! I try so hard to be special that I make my normal-ness plain and simple and right under your nose. Am I ringing any bells here? I feel like I am talking about everyone ever. I'm sure that isn't totally true.
I enjoy Victorian novels. I enjoy Victorian everything. I really love the Bronte Sisters and Oscar Wilde holds the key to my heart. I also very much enjoy all forms of Poetry, and I write my own. Local poetry has been my recent Crux.
My current reading is the Tao of symbols.
As for music, I truly do love most all of it. That includes no exceptions of music type. But the music I go out of my way to hear has a striking Folk predominance. Joanna Newsom's a good name to throw out there, because she's weird with it and I needed that. I was raised with classics like Denver and Simon & Garfunkel.
I do watch a lot of this and that on my computer. My favorite kinds of movies run along the lines of Eternal Sunshine and Clapham Junction. I like sadness too much. Shows are Once Upon a time, True blood, BUFFY, and others to embarrass me further. I'd just rather not blush on the internet. Okay? Charmed.
As far as food goes, I'm reinventing that corner, don't look. I have had a poor relationship to food in my formative years, and I am looking to find out what nutrition helps my body talk. I'm trying out all the ancient staples of as many cultures as I can collect. Right now it is more meat than I'm comfortable eating, but my body does so well with it.
3Community! (Around food. But also without is acceptable.)
Food. Food. Andddd Food.
But since I like to get wordy, here's a chapter on what's truly private for me - a person who has fought hard to say he loves mystery.
(Bullet points for those who like to read chaos with a frame around it:)
II-I enjoy sharing confusion.
III-I always fall in love first.
III A-Love is a competition to me.
III B -I'm so careful, I don't care at all.
Through silences that evolve in-between relationships: I tend to inspire. Even if it is only myself. I work hard to keep myself together when I travel to the caves of lovers in dreams, lighting fires and fleeing. The truth is, I inspire by incident. The whole process of inspiring is not solely a good thing when inner conflicts go unresolved. To be great means you have to be fixed from the emotional concept of brokenness... A dear gal pal once told me that brokenness is an illusion. In silence, I argue. I argue a lot. I might know this about myself.
Well, a hand is dipping into the pot of empty. I'm seeing I've set the tone for you to know what my presence is like. Escape words. I'm not even using them. If I run, I'll run with you. I keep checking to see you've come. But something never feels quite right.
Sometimes conflict is just another philosophical conversation, made personal. Other times, we think it hurts; maybe it doesn't. I am still learning to tell myself the difference in pain and pleasure and this confusion does affect my relationships. I am so sorry about it! <3 Trust saves me often. But what happens after the honey moon?
I'm sure that some people, and at times myself, are more afraid of love than they are desperate for it. I have learned that even when any relationship stops making new sense, it is important to work with what you have left on the table. It would seem that conflict in relationships has been necessary for me in order to get to know someone truly. Conflict is usually what a person thinks is wrong with me. I must "obviously" never like to talk about it. This is my negative relationship cycle. What survives, remains profound to me. But there always seems a fire to put out, and a crises to avert. I like to let things burn slowly. Summer time comes and the ashes become face paints. Why are you still digging in the mud when it is time to dance with dirty feet? Sweat, is cleansing too. That's what I think we should go do together. Maybe I ran off without you - but I could never believe it.
I handle my voice poorly under any psychological break from synchronicity. And while there's beauty to be found living in a constant chaotic mental state of change, staying there makes me feel like I carry an inactive gene for mental illness. I work best when my moments flow like they are each as precious as the next.
When I am done scratching at the surface of what is really wrong with me, I beg forgiveness for doing so, and package up time in a box with a bow and hand it over. Because obviously, what we find wrong is never about just ourselves. This is why silence is such a part of the conversation of life, when two people share it.
There is a pattern of loss in life that is perhaps a map of the biggest flaw to know about a person. Perhaps this is right now my pattern, my stuck cycle. Perhaps the knowing is a treasure of sorts, and even so, I just can't give up the ideals of true and pure unity. Equality is what makes this information come slowly to me. I see myself as capable of perfection. And then in repose, I am determined to see everyone I love as truly perfect. Because I categorize flaws in an ornate system, all self perception becomes flowing nonsense words. Faults are so hard for me to grasp - anyone else out there with me? This is my flaw. My imperfection is here in the middle of me and I can see it. How is it that I can't know it? I'm true. I'm honest. I would tell most people never to fall in love with me. But I'm too fair to say it really.
But each loss pattern seems particular to individuals. Mine is mine. With each romance I push myself through, I aim to learn separateness, and then work it back together like a mechanic of the cosmaniac womb. I love to loose my innocence simply by knowing too much. Flaws can be what we love, but the at the heart level we love it all. I think we have to, for our own sacred living.
It is like I haven't transcended sacrifice. Therefore, whether it is naive or not, I do believe in a Utopian existence. At times.
Equality, right? We all have a lot to work on - I'm just not sure how two people do it at the same time. From afar, relating has always lookedlike a mirage of multitasking. Something magic happens when two people have loved eachother for a long time. I've never had that in a romance before.
At the end of each love lesson, I thank goodness for knowing nothing. Even for a broken heart. Fuck egos.
I seem to hurt others when my back is turned. In the animal kingdom this is truly cruel. That is my safety net, this animal kingdom makes room for learning from mistakes. I can't bear hurting the ones I love, though I honor the roles that hurt plays in life. I do that because I see growth there. And because I still get to treat emotions like the weather treats my own. What is my truth? I love your ego so much.
Whenever I feel out the flaws of others, I leave a little of my own flaw behind me. I think that because this is highly personal for everybody, it can be hard to manage at times. Certainly hard to own up to, at others. But grace is free with friends, and I even call my enemies close to me with what is a special care between us.
Maybe I'll never achieve pure communicating, and never know that I am already showing that I care, but I never regret helping others reach higher understanding. This is true even if the process turns out sacrifice within the interdependency struggle. The result of loss is always the same: what makes it through fire is more worth keeping than what doesn't. Besides, when it comes to relationships I'm a complicated person, who acts in very simple ways. Misunderstanding has become my newest, most ancient challenge.
I'm a shy person that needs to open up and find a person that isn't me. And that's very private, isn't it.
My inner conflict always comes out, and while I let out that guilt, I truly believe cruelty does not have to be a part of reality in any way. If you get to know me, I will be learning lessons through YOU, my one and only guru. That's no more pressure than being yourself. I'm so thankful that this life has taught me one key principle in getting through myself, all the way to others: It is our flaws that unite us, never do they merely isolate us. Flaws are the doors to so much greater material.
Haha! I'd love to meet you all, and any one who would take this time reading a silly profile ^_^
- You like adventures and have one to share!
- You are a mostly sober person/ or else you use substances in a sacred context. (This is mostly just so that we have something to do! Practically speaking, drinking every night just means our schedules won't line up very well… or ever.)
- You know how to act like a child… intentionally.
- You laugh, laugh. LIKE REALLY.
...you feel like it! Definitely if you want to, you should. (I don't discriminate against the indiscriminate "Sup?" so please, just use the words that come to you.) I'm really quite nice, if only too often busy to reply.
Lastly, if you are educated about gender. When I was masculine, I was so open to so much feminine; when I am now seen as fem, I am not often blessed by that same courtesy. I don't understand it much. I think it is akin to speaking in accents. I like doing that a lot too. Gender fluidity is important if you wanna play.