In the process I have alienated my closest friend who has moved almost 350 miles away (but we are still talking, and things seem to be ok between us; so there's that). I hurt the feelings of someone whom I got to know and care for in a short period of time through my own inability to not project sarcastic cynicism and failure to avoid their attempts to reach out to me for connection at least partially to help me by providing me their willingness to connect...
More often than not I am angry with myself - no I don't hate my self - and have a very poor opinion of my life... To avoid dealing with the root of these problems, I've taken to using drugs and alcohol as a crutch. Though, luckily or not I have managed to reign in moderation enough to keep from forming habitual dependence on any one thing, but the behavior isn't productive.
I had this profile turned off for quite awhile... I just started another one; it doesn't read much better I'm sure LMAO!!!
I spend so much time in my own head, building things, creating stories, projects, plans, fantasies, etc... my attention has become a scattered loose cloud of ideas. Maybe I'm hoping that making a few of these facts public will put my shit in perspective.
That's what I have been working toward more than anything lately... perspective and vision... "seeing with eyes unclouded" (yeah, I get it's a lame, cliché Miyazaki reference)
This still stands... I might be more of a prick than I was when I wrote this though. Just trying to be honest.
I've been on youtube listening to a bunch of classical music. It's very cool how much music I've found that stimulates my imagination in completely novel ways. Old, new, and in between.
All of that, and now - when I'm not taking some form of drugs or drinking (I have a low tolerance to both, so don't think Requiem for a Dream, OK) to avoid thinking about the meaningless cesspool of confusion aka my life; I'm thinking about how much I have failed at it!!!
But on that note... I'm an optimist. I'm friendly and try to be polite and considerate. I'm not as sharp as I was a year ago; as I haven't been using my mind constructively. So if you write me for whatever reason... I'll attempt to be engaging. I've depersonalized someone before getting caught up in my own self dialog, and I'd prefer not to ever have that happen again....