35San Marcos, United States
Join today
Find great matches with our advanced matching system!
Join today
Find great matches with our advanced matching system!
My self-summary
Here is a bit of a look into the clusterfuck of stagnation that I have allowed myself to get caught up in... I live at my mother's house (basically in the garage), to work on a family project that crash lands every time I think it is about to take off, and yet I persist to maintain my commitment to it even with ZERO return after two years.

In the process I have alienated my closest friend who has moved almost 350 miles away (but we are still talking, and things seem to be ok between us; so there's that). I hurt the feelings of someone whom I got to know and care for in a short period of time through my own inability to not project sarcastic cynicism and failure to avoid their attempts to reach out to me for connection at least partially to help me by providing me their willingness to connect...

More often than not I am angry with myself - no I don't hate my self - and have a very poor opinion of my life... To avoid dealing with the root of these problems, I've taken to using drugs and alcohol as a crutch. Though, luckily or not I have managed to reign in moderation enough to keep from forming habitual dependence on any one thing, but the behavior isn't productive.

I had this profile turned off for quite awhile... I just started another one; it doesn't read much better I'm sure LMAO!!!

Why? ....

I spend so much time in my own head, building things, creating stories, projects, plans, fantasies, etc... my attention has become a scattered loose cloud of ideas. Maybe I'm hoping that making a few of these facts public will put my shit in perspective.

That's what I have been working toward more than anything lately... perspective and vision... "seeing with eyes unclouded" (yeah, I get it's a lame, cliché Miyazaki reference)
What I’m doing with my life
Working, thinking, reading, plotting, planning, working, working; and now I'm studying to take the Actuary Exams on top of it all; in an attempt to move forward, progress, rebuild my self esteem, and hopefully one day look at my life with a little bit of dignity... I also had a Molar removed last week. That shit hurt something fierce)...
I’m really good at
Ask me and I may be able to qualify, but I'll probably be vague and defensive :/.
This still stands... I might be more of a prick than I was when I wrote this though. Just trying to be honest.
The first things people usually notice about me
Huh... Not too sure on this one. That I look like someone they know is the response I most often get.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
This is far too ridiculously large a category to fill out. My taste changes too often to declare favorites considered to be 'long term.' I'd love to talk about what's interesting me now though. I suppose I worry I'll end up being boring or too enthusiastic, but it's never stopped me before.
I've been on youtube listening to a bunch of classical music. It's very cool how much music I've found that stimulates my imagination in completely novel ways. Old, new, and in between.
Six things I could never do without
I'm gonna put some more substantial stuff in here instead of clever phenomenological references
I spend a lot of time thinking about
ontology, epistemology, and semiotics. Wasn't kidding. Of course aesthetics, hedonism, sociology, history, religion and sex get their fair share of time as well. Oh, most things I think of are in terms of Pragmatic Value Fulfilment. This to me is the meaning of life and true pleasure is in the act.

All of that, and now - when I'm not taking some form of drugs or drinking (I have a low tolerance to both, so don't think Requiem for a Dream, OK) to avoid thinking about the meaningless cesspool of confusion aka my life; I'm thinking about how much I have failed at it!!!
On a typical Friday night I am
I sit at home alot. Watch movies occasionally with my room mates. Go and walk around downtown sometimes. Pretty open to doing things, don't always have the energy though.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I admit too much sometimes. I'm sure that lots of private stuff I shouldn't mention will come up in a conversation. I'm getting to be more guarded, while attempting to experience quiet openness to others.
You should message me if
Fuck if I know!!
But on that note... I'm an optimist. I'm friendly and try to be polite and considerate. I'm not as sharp as I was a year ago; as I haven't been using my mind constructively. So if you write me for whatever reason... I'll attempt to be engaging. I've depersonalized someone before getting caught up in my own self dialog, and I'd prefer not to ever have that happen again....
The two of us