I hate typical Miami gay men. I have no desire to even be friends with these guys, let alone date them. Most of you know who you are, but for those of you wondering, here is what I consider a typical Miami gay:
• Fashion-forward trendy guys. Every piece of clothing you own is from a (probably European) designer. You think the label on your $150 Express jeans somehow makes them better than the $20 jeans at Target. You wear sunglasses, not so much to see more easily in the sunlight, but solely as a fashion accessory. You can’t even go to the gas station unless you’re wearing your Calvin Klein shirt, Armani slacks (which are probably capris, because that’s a thing on men for some reason), and your Louis Vuitton flip-flops. No joke, 90% of my wardrobe comes from Old Navy and Target, and I think I buy a new wardrobe every 6-7 years, if that. I could not possibly care less about fashion, and I have zero in common with people whose life revolves around it. Also, for the most part, I just think you guys look silly, and definitely not sexy.
• Gymrats/fitness fanatics. There's nothing wrong with being conscious about fitness, but you have crossed over into obsession. Not only do you live, breathe, and eat fitness, you use douche-bag words like “hydrate” on a regular basis, and are often interested in eating “clean.” You and I are two completely different species. I’m basically a laid-back llama and you are a douchy (but admittedly fit!) plant of some kind. Even if we both wanted to be together, it can never physically happen because I will never be able to take you seriously when you ask me if I know how many carbs are in my pizza.
• Twinks. Okay, so this isn’t Miami-specific, but it bears mentioning. I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO TWINKS. I do not get the appeal of being with a young boy, and have no desire to pursue it. I like men. MEN. “Smooth” isn’t a word that sits well with me. "Scruffy," on the other hand, is.
• Douchebags. Like, 98.954987% of all Miami (men and women) is made up of bags of douche. You’re 40-something and shop at Abercrombie & Fitch like it’s not weird. You think all-night clubbing and bar-hopping is fun. You can’t have fun unless you have 6 or more shots in you. You say “YOLO” at least once a month and your Instagram feed consists of selfies where you’re either pouting (really, guys?) or sticking your tongue out like you’re Gene Simmons, except you have no idea who Gene Simmons is and you’re not doing it ironically. If we were together, I would go out of my way to strike you with a blunt object.
• Hipsters. Jesus Christ, why is shaving one side of your head and then combing your hair over to that side a thing? What and why are skinny jeans? The only person who will ever be able to pull off bow ties is the 11th Doctor. Why do you have white-rimmed sunglasses and a bright pink, spaghetti string tank top like we're having an awful '80s flashback? And why are you all wearing so many hats? Please, just... go away. Go far, far away from me.
• Clubbers/bar-hoppers. Similar to “douchebags,” you live for Miami nightlife. All night, every night. You’re not having fun unless you’re surrounded by 100 other shirtless, sweaty guys in a dark room that’s blasting the latest… dubstep(?) hit at an alarmingly (and potentially deafeningly) loud volume. Your idea of a deep conversation involves a lot of “WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?!” and “YEAH, I KNOW THE OWNER OF THIS PLACE, I’M HERE EVERY WEEKEND! EVERYONE HERE KNOWS ME!” Assuming you tricked me into going to a club (which is the only way I would ever go), I would excuse myself to the “restroom” within 60 seconds and never return.
• Druggies/drunks. Also lots of overlap with the previous two categories. You do drugs and/or drink heavily. I really have nothing funny for this. I do not date guys who do drugs or are constantly tipsy.
• “Gay is the way” guys. Your life revolves around being gay. All your friends are gay. You have a pride flag on your car/in front of your house. You primarily go to gay-friendly restaurants. You shop exclusively in the gay district. Starbucks isn’t gay enough for you so you go to the gay coffee shop instead. “Drag Race” is your favorite show. You live for White Party. Pride is your chance to really express yourself. No, thanks, guys. It's good to be proud, but it's off-putting when you make your whole life about your pride.
Cutting out all of the above, what do I have left to choose from? Not much, to be honest. Am I picky? Yes. Is that conceited or cocky? Probably. Do I know what I want? Yes. Am I a dick? Not really. I am actually very funny, light-hearted, and don't like to take anything too seriously. While I'm sure none of that comes across given what's written above, I'd much prefer to just get to the point. In essence, this directness saves both me and you from wasting our time instead of playing coy games.
I would leave Miami to start a new life anywhere but here. But I have a great life here (good job, close family). The only thing missing is the relationship part. And, not to sound too aloof, but I don't particularly feel the NEED to be in a relationship. It's not something that will fill some void or make me happy. I am happy now. But if someone reading this can legitimately count themselves out of all the above categories and thinks they’d like to spend some time with me, let me know.
- eating peanut butter
- correcting spelling and grammar
- making people laugh
- coming up with excuses to not work out today
- being inappropriate and/or awkward in most situations
Movies: Lost in Translation, and most horror movies.
TV: Doctor Who, Once Upon a Time, Family Guy, American Dad, Bob's Burgers, Modern Family, Downton Abbey, The Mindy Project, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.
- lip balm
- air conditioning
- Reese's Pieces
- video games
- my car