I’ve tried several different types of profiles throughout the years: The super-funny profile. The blunt profile. The play-it-safe profile. Clearly none of those worked because, well, I’m still on this site.
This time, I’m trying something different: I had some red wine and a Xanax. Let’s see what happens…
For the sake of time, I’ll briefly outline the primary goals of this profile. With this profile, I aim to:
- Share some insight into the scattered goings-on inside my head
- Entertain you while doing so
- Find, first and foremost, a friend. . . to whom I happen to be physically attracted and vice versa (but that whole friend thing is still pretty important!)
- Find somebody who possesses my very favorite quality in a man: they find me funny
- Weed out any hipsters by stating that, wow, I really, really, really, really hate hipsters. I hate their stupid hair, their stupid vaping sticks, their stupid skinny jeans, their stupid hats, their stupid pink shorts, their stupid scarves (that are totally appropriate for consistently near-100-degree weather, btw), their stupid obsession with all things vintage – basically, I can’t stand anything about them (I will probably mention this again later for those hipsters that might have skipped this part)
So, let’s get this out of the way first: I am a homebody. Home is my favorite place to be. I have a nice house and nice things and I like to spend time in said house with said things. When people at work ask me what I did during the weekend and I respond, “I stayed home in my pajamas, played video games, ordered in, and watched Netflix,” I consider it a weekend well spent. I know that’s very counter-culture, especially in Miami where the nightlife is what everyone’s after, but here’s the thing:
- I have generalized anxiety disorder (clinically diagnosed), so, being around lots of people? Not fun for me. In fact, it’s basically hell on Earth. So things like clubs, bars, and other events with wall-to-wall people are my kryptonite, and I stay away from them at all costs.
- I have unusually higher-than-normal body temperature, so I am always hot and seeking out the nearest air conditioner. Also, I sweat very easily. Miami weather does not help. For me, there is no such thing as “a nice evening stroll outside” unless you’re talking about some type of workout, because, I guarantee you, at the end of that stroll – no matter how slow and leisurely! – I will be a sweaty mess. So, really, anything that involves outdoor activities is out of the question unless it’s a LEAST 60 degrees out; so, like, two random nights in December.
Don’t get me wrong – I can enjoy some crowded, outdoor stuff on occasion. For example, I love rock concerts. As long as I’m there with a handful of people I’m comfortable with, I can tune out the crazy-loud masses surrounding us. Theme parks? THE BEST. Apparently, rollercoasters and dark rides are enough to temporarily cure my anxieties. Also, food. I have zero problem going out to dinner as long as the food is good and the crowd is relatively quiet. But my absolute perfect day involves lounging around the house with the AC at full blast, playing video games, cooking, and watching movies.
I was born and raised in Miami, and I’ve dated lots of Miami men throughout the years, and have been consistently disappointed, to the point where I have become a jaded, cynical fuck. I do not fit into the stereotypical gay scene, nor do I fit into the stereotypical Miami scene in general, so I am really not interested in about 97% of available men in the city. (Nor are they interested in me, so… I guess that works out.) South Beach? Awful. Wilton Manors? No, thanks. Wynwood? Well, that’s infested by nothing but hipsters and I’ve already made my feelings pretty clear on them. Brickell? Fuck you. I absolutely detest all the hot spots in the city, so my chances of meeting anyone in my tiny, extremely limited social circles is, like, I don’t know – something in negative numbers in terms of statistical percentages.
In case the last few paragraphs haven’t made it clear, I am a nerd and a loner. I love video games, horror movies, Doctor Who, the original Unsolved Mysteries (with legendary Robert Stack), and all types of music. I also enjoy my solitude. But it would be nice to find a nice, non-scene guy I can share some of this stuff with. He should also be able to make me laugh (and also laugh at my dumb jokes).
I could go on forever, but I need to save some of this for our first phone date.
Just, you know, NO HIPSTERS.
- correcting spelling and grammar
- making people laugh
- coming up with excuses to not work out today
- being inappropriate and/or awkward in most situations
Movies: Lost in Translation, and most horror movies.
TV: Doctor Who, Once Upon a Time, Family Guy, American Dad, Bob's Burgers, Modern Family, The Mindy Project, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
- lip balm
- air conditioning
- Reese's Pieces
- video games
- ASMR videos