"Look at us! We are not out of breath, our hearts are not in the least tired. For they are nourished by fire, hatred and speed! Does this surprise you? it is because you do not even remember being alive! Standing on the world's summit, we launch once more our challenge to the stars!" -Futurist Manifesto, 1909
My spirit animal is no longer skellington chair! Now it's the baby bunny in the cup second from the left: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hh9lWK-iwc
All the other bunnies fight their fate, but that one embraces it. Slowly smooshing further down into the cup, his body assuming the cup's shape, his face gradually collapsing inward on itself
2. Writing plot materials and doing technical consulting for a game company you may have heard of.
3. Finding myself. It turns out I was hiding behind the couch the entire time. What a scamp!
4. A few years ago I was bitten by the adventure bug. In fact it turned out to be a brown recluse spider and the flesh eating venom dissolved most of my body. When the surgeons rebuilt me, they gave me the untameable heart of a stallion and organs from a couple other animals that were cheap on craigslist.
Since then I've managed to talk my way into a bunch of really cool expeditions I was lucky to be a part of, and that I'll remember fondly in my old age as I scream incomprehensibly at youngsters to get off my futuristic glowing hover-lawn.
Rather than tell you about all of that here, I could just take you on one. If you've ever wished you knew someone who would push you to get out and do interesting shit on weekends instead of watching Game of Thrones on Netflix in your pyjamas and carefully eating just the marshmallows from a box of Count Chocula, I am that guy. Although I concede Count Choc is fuckin' grelicious
As for why I'm on here instead of socializing conventionally: My first few attempts to woo the fairer sex involved going into the woods and fashioning a fine, sturdy shelter from mud and sticks in which she might safely lay her eggs. I then performed mating calls ("Woolooloo! Woolooloo!" More enticing in person imo) for several days before collapsing from dehydration.
A little Googling revealed that my understanding of women was somewhat incomplete, and that people like me should use dating websites. So here I am.
2. Expressing the transience of being via interpretive dance
3. Doing an art.
4. Writing! Ask me and I'll share some short stories.
5. Not understanding sports.
6. Doing gory stickman flipbook animations in the pages of really important books you shouldn't draw in. :O
7. That game where you're riding shotgun, looking out the window and imagining a little man running along the horizon jumping over houses and various other obstacles.
8. Cuddling kittors
9. Giving the bare minimum fucks required by law (1.6 at the time of this writing)
10. Being a professional butt model
11. Numbered lists
I'm also an actual cyborg! No punchline to this because it's not a joke. My body has electronic parts in it and I want more. I'm pretty fit but still find myself feeling frustrated by my body's limitations and will continue upgrading it. I haven't yet met anybody grossed out by this but I thought I'd put it out there.
Movie: Any BBC nature documentary. I hope David Attenborough gets my love letters. My GAY love letters.
Show: Walking Dead. It's about all these dead guys that keep walking around even though they're dead. 10/10, title delivers. Not like "There Will Be Blood." Actually very little blood in that film.
Music: Sir Mixalot's heart wrenching magnum opus about his lifelong passion for substantial buttocks, and inability to deceive others about it. Specifically the Norwegian speed metal remix.
(Real answer: Solar Fields, Steve Roach, Electric Youth, Freezepop, Apocalyptica, Carbon Based Lifeforms, Cocorosie, Lindsey Stirling, Clocks & Clouds, Dance with the Dead, Bjork, Klaus Nomi and Explosions In The Sky. The entire Mr Suicide Sheep channel on Youtube
Food: Sriracha sauce. That's a food. Shut up yes it is, if it's not a food how come I'm eating it right now?
2. Lists like "1. oxygen 2. water 3. shelter", etc. I always smile imagining how clever they must've felt writing it. Because you see, those are basic necessities one requires to survive!
3. Lists that start with "I'm not gonna do one of those dumb lists that includes things like oxygen, water, shelter, etc." for the same reason. ("Hah! Take THAT, society!")
4. An ipod with just the Space Jam themesong COME ON AND SLAM
5. My pets! I have a cat, hamsters, and I am giving serious consideration to corgis, mainly for the novelty costume potential.
6. Documentaries, especially about space, the deep sea, antarctica and deep underground caverns.
7. Nudibranchs! Gay clowns of the sea: http://tinyurl.com/aco8696
(I did seven! Not six! #2cool4rules)
2. How to make "adoraburgers" catch on. "You are so adoraburgers I could eat you up". So far it's not going well, but Rome wasn't built in a day. "Stoats magoats" isn't faring well either. :(
3. I sometimes do reverse match searches to find people with the *least* compatibility. So I can identify my arch nemesis, meet up, and battle. If that's you, contact me. I already made our costumes.
4. If climate change is real, then why there are still monkeys? Checkmate atheists
5. The thousands of lives that were tragically lost when a helicopter attacked the peaceful skeleton realm
6. What OKC is like for women: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CiWk8VCGBOY
Serious: Antarctic research, deep sea exploration, future missions to Mars, manned high altitude helium balloons, cave diving, battery electric/fuel cell vehicle technology, seasteading, lost civilizations, supercavitating submarines, mycology, toxoplasmosis, etc.
Not a lot in the world doesn't fascinate me. I'm a firm believer in the saying that only boring people get bored. I generally prefer discussing interesting ideas rather than the affairs of other people in my social network, though. Hopefully you're the same way.
1. When I was little, for the longest time I thought "triumphant" meant an elephant with three trunks. It should be, right? Who decides that? I will plead my case before The Council.
2. There is, at this very moment, a spooky skeleton lurking inside me. My doctor says it can't be removed without killing me but I suspect him of being a skeleton sympathizer.
3. I stole the cookie from the cookie jar. Call the police I don't give a FUUUCK *six uninterrupted minutes of violent, irreverent farting*
4. Sometimes when I'm excited, I roar like a t-rex. When nobody is around obviously. I usually do this right out of the shower as I'm feeling invigorated and nudity adds authenticity to any dinosaur impression.
5. I sincerely love brutalist architecture. I dunno, I guess they wouldn't have built so much of it if nobody liked it, and I seem to be one of those people. Rubs my brain just right.
2. You have a dream. Not the "be fought over by a vampire and a werewolf" or "marry a doctor" kind of dream. I mean the kind that requires maps, grappling hooks and a sherpa. (Don't get attached to the sherpa, we may have to eat him. In fact, probably even if we don't get lost. Have you tried sherpa? It's a flavor sensation)
3. You didn't major in some subset of critical theory, or for some other reason have critical theory confused with science when it is instead a political ideology. Boy I can't tell you how attractive it is to listen to you explain how privileged I am as a heteronormative cisgendered white man, wow! Talk about marriage material
4. You're not ashamed to be here. This is a biggie. If I had a nickel for every profile which bends over backwards to make it clear that whoever wrote it feels she's too good to be here, that it's a noncommittal experiment, etc. I would have one brazillion gorillion nickels.
Think about what attitude you're broadcasting out when you do that. What, you're a princess rummaging through the bargain bin for a laugh? Come off it, there's literally nothing wrong with using the planet's predominant communication network to more efficiently find the "needle in the haystack" that is a compatible lady or dude.
The whole point of technology is to make difficult shit like that less of a hassle! I mean what are the odds you're just gonna *bump into* someone who's a good fit for you? What, your soulmate just happens to live within a five mile radius of you and shops at the same Whole Foods or whatever? Pff. PFFFF!! Incredulous noises