37Johnston, United States
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My self-summary
Brace yourself for the most hilarious and honest profile you'll ever read. You're warned, it's long. Not quite LOTR director's cut long though, but quite robust.

Seeking laughs and enjoying independence. Impress me in 783 words or less. Or more. I don't give a shit. If you desire comedic fire, review the answers to my quiz questions.

I know that most of you are reading these and thinking to yourself, "Come on. Are all these guys really writing all of this bullshit!?" Yes, they are. I really do feel for you women sometimes. Between all these "protein induced meat photos" and the ghetto vernacular, I'm sure it's hard to stomach these profiles hoping that you find the diamond in the rough. Well guess what... IT'S ME! I'm confident, eloquent, attractive, charming, respectful, and I'm probably one of the funniest ball busters you'll ever meet.
In turn, I'm quite picky. I want the whole package. I want a woman who's beautiful inside and out. I don't expect a magazine model who's president of the local Mensa chapter, but I expect you to have your act together. There's more to attraction than physical desire, but that's an important start for anyone that I may consider to be a worthwhile romantic partner.

Turn offs: Empty minds, void of laughter, and gold diggers. Excessive use of the word "like" 4 times per sentence also is quite annoying. People who are 4'5", 350 lbs and tell me how bad smoking is for my health. I no longer smoke, but hypocrisy grinds my gears. I do use an e-cig though. Tricked out Honda Civics with lawn mower exhausts also bother me for some reason. And how tired are you ladies of the creatine meatbags flexing in front of a scummy bathroom mirror? Seriously dudes... bust out some Windex before attempting your master flex. Or just stop showing off the spray tan and leave the nice girls alone for a minute.

Turn ons: awesome sharp wit, someone who's not afraid to spruce themselves up a bit (when the occasion calls for it) without wearing 2 inches of make up, independent, confident, and SINGLE. Also totally down for T-shirt and jeans. I also require someone with emotional maturity and honesty. I'm also somewhat hesitant to date a woman that is significantly younger than me. If you truly think that you're wise beyond your years, then it's something I will consider. I date WOMEN, not GIRLS. However, I do have one obvious and shallow physical preference. I'm really attracted to busty women. I prefer a bit of curves on a woman as opposed to someone who looks like a heroine addict. Damnit cleavage, why do you make me weak? I'm also really into spooning/cuddling, and yes I can do that with manners and class. There's nothing like a little bit of a cuddlefest, waking up next to a pretty face after a night of antics, laughter, giggles, flirting and fun.

These are not must haves, just preferences. If you fit some of the above, then drop me a line and take it from there. If you've gotten this far, I'm going to assume your attention span is running out. Congrats if this was accomplished without medication. If you needed medication, that's still okay by me. I won't ask you to share either. Unless it's Advil. That coating is delicious.
What I’m doing with my life
I love playing music, I have a fun job that pays the bills, my family's wonderful, and I've got a great social circle. No complaints here... except for the all too common email I receive that's little more than a "hey, what's up". Which I suppose is better than, 'hEy wHuTz UpP" My brain practically exploded trying to type like that. Funny that it's more difficult for me than creating actual punctuation and sentence structure.
I’m really good at
Making people laugh, and making fun of stuff inappropriately. I usually have a smartass comment before you can finish a sentence... but I'm polite enough to be patient and listen first. I can juggle really well for about 10 seconds. I'm also quite adept at chatting up strangers. Especially strangers with a dog. I have to pet all of them.
The first things people usually notice about me
My custom Burger King crown signed by Gilbert Godfried and Bobcat Golthwaite. Celebrity look-a-like comparisons include David Schwimmer, Robert Downey Jr, and Steve-O from Jackass. Talk about diversity. I don't see many similarities, but at least I don't sound like David Schwimmer when I speak. I always disliked the show "Friends" anyways. And that theme song makes me want to swab my ears with a pitchfork.

Typically, within 5 minutes of meeting me... people feel quite comfortable that it's as if we've know each other for years. And for what it's worth I'm ALWAYS told that I look better after meeting in person. I'm also anti selfie. Some women can pull it off, but guys should never attempt such vanity.

Physically, I'm going with long eye lashes. Women point this out quite often. I create a small breeze every time I blink. Seriously, I could probably capsize a sailboat if I were to stand at the proper angle.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
My favorite book would have to be "Comedy Writing Secrets" by Mel Helitzer. Shawshank Redemption is probably my favorite flick. I like all kinds of music, but funk is probably my favorite. I'm a sucker for Italian food. Redsox, South Park, Family Guy, Archer, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and some others. I don't have cable so I'm not really a big TV person. Some documentaries when I'm feeling dorky an uninformed.

For music, I like lots of different genres. My favorite would be funk, motown, soul, etc. I love Stevie Wonder, Earth Wind and Fire, James Brown, older Michael Jackson before too many cosmetic surgeries, train sets, and adolescent friends. Jazz, classic rock, most anything soulful. Jazz fusion for my geeky side. You can take your canned modern pop and suck it. Anything processed through autotune drives me up a wall and off a bridge.
Six things I could never do without
My wisecracking mouth, coffee, music, my family, friends, and my car. If you drive a standard as well, that's really attractive for reasons I can't explain. But I won't judge if you have a transmission that does all the work for you. As long as you're not applying make up, taking a ducklipped selfie, staring at your phone and texting the entire time you're behind the wheel.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
The chicken or the egg. And when to eat them. And how much bacon I have left in my fridge. Did you know that baby pigs are actually bacon seeds? Who knew?

How much I enjoy reading profiles rather than just swiping right or left. I like to see if a pretty face can actually make good conversation. I think I'm a dying breed. Everyone lives their life like they're on Tinder. I feel like a dinosaur sometimes with my curmudgeonly ways. Get off my lawn!
On a typical Friday night I am
Saving children from a burning orphanage. Then putting them to work in my factory. I don't like over paying for shoes, pants, and other such attire. Tiny hands achieve the highest thread count.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I'm a 4'2'' 350 lb balding man who wishes to join the Ice Capades. Wanna help me get into "game shape"? My 1980's infomercial sweat suit isn't working as advertised. I got swindled.

Here's a funny and truthful anecdote from my childhood. When I was 8 years old, I was skateboarding in my grandmother's driveway and fell on my face, cutting up my gums pretty badly in the process. She used to be a nurse and fixed me up accordingly. When feeding me dinner, she told me to eat my carrots because they're good for healing wounds. So I picked up a carrot and started rubbing it on my gums. I still remember her humble smile and chuckle to this day.

I don't have any desire to be in a relationship with anyone who's overly religious. I don't like the idea of dating an adult who still has an imaginary friend. Trust me, your sky daddy is a deadbeat.

One last thing. I don't have any kids and I don't ever want them. I don't care if you do or don't, but I'm not ever looking to see what my own demon hellspawn potentially looks like. Judge all you like. I don't care. I'm honest and I have my reasons. My genetics are awesome enough. This world doesn't need to destroy itself by bowing down to the awesomeness and excellence of my potential seed.
You should message me if
You're charming, witty, confident, and have the ability to type in complete sentences. Notice the plural in 'sentences'. I don't expect a novel, but please write more than "hi, what's up?"

You should NOT message me if you're married, attached, or you use or BAE, or YOLO in your profile. Trendy catch phrases bother me. Also, please don't contact me if you have the word 'sexxy', 'sexi', or any other grammatical slaughtering that reeks of vain insecurity spelled in your profile name. Save that for Tinder beef.

We all know that physical attraction is important. I'm not arrogant, egomaniacal or shallow, but let's face it. We want someone we can show off and be proud of their entire self... inside and out. That being said, I've been told many times that I look much better in person. Just something else to look forward to in addition to fabulous wit and endless charismatic banter.
The two of us