The first thing you should know about me is that I'm a coward, I've let my social anxiety ruin so many opportunities, that sometimes it feels like I've already wasted my life. I don't believe in beating yourself up (generally) but I find hard not to when I reflect back on the best times on my life have been when I had my social anxiety licked, having that feeling that everyone is my friend and bringing the party 24/7 and see how many years I've thrown away being too scared to go to a coffee chop alone, call a stranger on the phone or even to make an online profile.
I've had my current bout since 2010, when I'd returned home from Japan, I had few friends, didn't I keep my focus on being social and slipped back into one of my scarred of coffee shop phase. At that time I only I interacted with new people at pick-up Frisbee. Although I shared the same interest to many of them, I only . After about a year one of the members invited me to one. Josh is the guy who runs the Frisbee group. I didn't like him at first, partly because he is loud and annoying but probably the real reason was we had both dated the same girl. But after my first post frisbee hangout he kept me in the loop and we became friends.
He also arranges non-Frisbee events. At first I was glad to being doing any thing social, but it also whetted my appetite to meet new people. Unfortunately all the social activities where insular, going out to trivia nights was the only time we did anything that involved strangers. The longing to be meeting new people continued growing, it became painful . By the summer my pain had overcome my fear and I finally started talking to strangers, also a bunch of people we had never seen before started showing up to frisbee, among them was one guy who I found really annoying but one night after night frisbee and since I was desperate to meet new people I was interested. I was still coming out of my shell at that point so instead of just saying yes, I pretended not to hear then went to the same grocery store they where parked by their cars, tried to time it so that we'd leave the store at the same time, I failed and got out well before they did looked for they did, looked for an excuse to stick around so they could accidentally bump into me, realized that my cellphone was legitimately missing by the time I found that I had left it on the roof of my car and it miraculously stayed their through out the drive they had finished shopping and where putting their groceries away. I replied “I guess” when they Invited me to hang out. Totally played it cool (you know like that creepy guy who would wait for you after class but pretended not to)(and no I don't do that shit anymore). Since I'm terrible at judging people by first impressions it turned out we got along well in within weeks it felt like I'd known him my whole life. Between breaking the ice with ???/ and the infusion of new blood into my social circle I made rapid progress in battle, on July 19th of 2013 I'd officially gotten over my social anxiety, again.
Then next day while I was at a birthday party checking my Facebook the following post came across my feed. “for those of you who have not got the call yet or heard, yesterday Josh passed away” I had the sadness and cognitive dissonance that one experiences with the sudden loss of a friend. But it was more than that, Josh had been the heart of the group and now we realized how much we had taken him for granted. My means of coming to terms with Josh's death was to pure myself into the the hole he left on the group, I took over putting up games but I also expended on the social aspect of the group. started our friendsgiving tradition and indoor frisbee, I hosted dinner parties and the blue ball baptism, I made sure that new people felt not just welcome to our games but our social activities as well. When I had come to term with Josh's death I had also I come to realize that my social anxiety had returned.
I didn't want to just sit around wait for the right circumstances this time, so I decided to be proactive about it. Now I know conventional wisdom/ is to share as many memes about anxiety as possible on my Facebook page, but I took a different approach. walk around the mall trying to work up courage to ask an old person the time, then literally choke up then sitting down and hyperventilating for about 20 minutes after doing that for a few hours I'd be to emotionally drained to continue then I'd then spend the drive home cursing and crying. After Josh's death everything made me cry the first time I got a girls number I cried like a bitch.
What probably helped the most was having the group, well all come together after that experience. It was hugs and friendship all around. Even thought my birthday was not to long after the death it was still one of my best birthdays ever. I was so grateful and happy to have so many friends so many people who cared about me Even in the past when I had been totally without anxiety I had not had so many friends. One thing I learned early that social connection is one of the few things that matter in life.
I've always thought a friend is someone you care about, think about and search for ways to make your life better. I'm not sure if it's I'm lucky or unlucky about that it took me 30 years to find out this is not true for most people. Of course it should have been obvious, examples abound of what passes for friendships among humans, simply take the cliche about a dude's best friend fucking his girl, but I was in my bubble of naivety so when my birthday rolled around the next year and those people I've pored so much effort into repay me by ditching me. The didn't even have good excesses , your TV show is on, you are tired, your feet are sore, God damn it really? And it wasn't just my birthday, many members would bug me to have another night frisbee game, or a lazer tag night or a amusement park day, and then not RSVP or worse yet RSVP and no show. This was an ever bigger shock to me than Josh's death. At-least in that case josh existed but now I had to come to terms with the fact that people I thought where my friends never actually existed, they where a facade put on leech of others or for social norms, Had they really not learned their lesson about taking people for granted from Josh's death ?
I was lost, my focus was on the group so long it had become my identity. I didn't know what I was supposed to do anymore, so I took time away from the group to focus on myself . And of course my social anxiety returned, I was back to failing to talk to old people and crying like a bitch. I learned my lessons , that my identity has to come from with in, the importance of character in friends etc... (I'm sure I've got more to learn) and some of those people I thought where my friends actually turned out to be my friends. And for the those people my only worry is that they add to much value to my life and that I'm taking them for granted. now a days I'm up to hivefiving strangers.
You may think I'm pouring my heart out, but I don't consider the experiences and challenges that shaped my approach to this world as something personal. I also don't really believe in embarrassment. I Once chew'd out a bitch of mine for giving herpes but then it turned out to be poison ivy, I've been kicked out of an elementary school, as an adult, I failed at my first attempt at masturbation and for two years thought it was impossible until I discovered it by accident and then thought I was the grossest person ever cause I had just fucked a pillow
You also may think that I really don't believe that I'm a coward because I take more action to face my problems than 99% of you earthlings. But it is really what I believe, I just have higher standards than your fucking society because your society fucking sucks.
I wouldn't call myself open minded, but that's just because most I've met who met that identified as opened minded are very closed minded and seem to be confused about why one should “be able to accept that everything the know and believe can be wrong, and be able to separate a statement from the person who made it”. It's probably just because I'm better than them.
I'm looking people who will ad value to my life or the lives in my social circle, and to who I'd like to add value to their lives. Reliability and character are the two most important features in a person and being
While the least import the most desirable is people who are adventurous when I want to do a “blue ball baptism”, rent out a dance hall, or have a “wet wild and crazy kids party” your answer is “fuck yeah, how do we get this shit done”, and if you don't join in it's because you're already doing something awesome or educative and not because you want to sit at home watching life-porn. Or better yet you are coming up cool new things to do, That I'll say fuck yeah to.
If I where for some reason to get married I'd either want for us after our kiss, for us and our wedding entourage to throw off our clothes revealing a bandleaders of silly-string and go hog wild on all of our wedding guest, or to have a surprise wedding (none of the guest know that it's a wedding), the best way I've come up with to achieve this though is for both of us to fake our deaths so everyone comes to our joint funerals and the in the middle of the ceremony there is a the playlist all of a sudden switches to wedding song, the dude overseeing the funeral get's all embarrassed and starts to apologize, then the power goes out after 10-20 seconds beams of lights shown down on our coffins (ideally from skylights but probably spotlights) then we pop out of the coffins(or better yet float out on wires) yell surprise and proceed to get married, (with our without silly-string) then afterwards we get to find out which of our family members have sences of humor and which will never speak to us again. If you like my wedding ideas we'll probably get along. And if your thought on this is “I'd like to have a surprise wedding and not actually get married” We'll totally get along
Reading my profile you may feel like I someone who is completely off the wall. if you do meet me none of that craziness may come through depending on how I'm feeling, how nervous I am ect.... Also I was drunk half the time I wrote this
I've got a voice like a gay robot, people will tell me that's not the case, but they are probably just lying because it's the the “right” thing to do. But when gay guys hit on me the tell me they thought I was gay because of my voice.
In my experience Platonic friendships are bullshit. I believe that attraction is the default state between a man and a woman if it's missing it because the woman has not been taking care of herself physically or the man has not been taking care of himself mentally and socially. I don't think that a man and women need to have necessarily fucked to be friends, but if you wouldn't recommend each-other to your single friends you're not actually friends.
I'm touchy feely, I'm probably going to want to hold hand, cuddle and make out even if I'm not interested in ever seeing you again. From my experiences women have had not trouble discerning where they stand with me no matter how physical we are but if you are unsure and it's a big deal then fortunately I'm blunt and if you ask I'll tell you where you stand.
My camo toe-shoes.
also TV = life porn.
One time I played spider solitaire for 27 hours straight because I refused to stop playing till I won, apparently I should read the rules before I started.
You're happy, you know it and are not one of those clappy ass braggers.
You eat bugs.
I made a grammar, spelling or some other mistake.