55Alameda, United States
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My self-summary
In regards to match question answers, see my journal entry about the issue of the "this question is irrelevant to you" option (hint: being willing to accept answers that are not your preference means you're a flexible person, it does NOT mean the *question* doesn't matter!)...


Observation: nearly everyone THINKS they are good kissers. Sad truth is, most of them are wrong. Which needn't be a problem, if they're willing to hear that there's an issue without taking offense, *&* willing to learn. But how do you ask, without risking hurt feelings?


Yes, I'm well aware this is _REALLY_ *monkey-f@&king* LONG!

But if you're looking for someone you might be spending a lot of intimate time with, don't you want to know a fair bit about them first? I do. And really, it's not too badly written, even if brevity and I are barely acquainted... ;-)

I should say, in the interest of full disclosure: I do not currently have the beard part of the face fur, but I'm open to growing it back - or shaving the mustache off - at some point.

I have been forced to the sad conclusion that many (though not all) of the women I find most interesting on OKC are unlikely to be interestED *in me*. They want someone younger, taller, better able to join them in activities my health puts limits on, someone who can afford to take them to really nice places, etc... Or someone who looks/acts less typically male than I, or is actually bi. I am very attracted, for example, to a lot of queer/bi women (some straight ones, too) on OKC who specify they're not interested in any guy who isn't gender-ambiguous &/or bi. ::sigh::

Certainly not giving up, though. I am, if you'll forgive the immodesty, a very worthwhile person - I just need to find those people who are able to see & appreciate it.


I can no longer ignore the fact that I am definitively middle aged (born 9/10/61), even though it is not at all unreasonable for me to expect (given my genetics & ongoing advances in medicine) that, despite my existing health issues, I well might live past 100.

And, y'know, other than physically, I simply don't *feel* middle-aged (let alone old) - and have no intention of doing so any time soon. Whatever my calendar says, I insist on keeping the youthfulness in my soul (because, without it, I'm not sure you have one anymore).

And I find myself really wanting more play in my life as time goes on (I see no reason why passing years should diminish my spirit, and I believe play - sexual or otherwise - to be sacred & healing).

- General goofiness - cooking together - kissing for a long while for the sheer joy of it (or because it's leading up to/part of really hot sex - I'm good either way) - friendly sex (Friends With Benefits - & yes, dammit, that DOES require actually being friends: sex-only is a fuckbuddy or a booty call [which is also fine, but different], not a friend). - Talking late into the night about the nature of love or justice - or just whether the next movie by (fill in favorite star or director here) or book by (fill in favorite writer) or music release by (fill in favorite musical artist) will be a good one - laughing at the world (so we won't cry or throw bombs) - singing together with, or singing to, or being sung to by, or reading to you - planning how we'll take over the world - & all sorts of things.

I want new "special friends," and I also want to fall madly (yet appropriately & healthily) in love again.

Especially that last. But don't let that scare you off - anything from occasional playmates (the aforementioned fuckbuddy/booty calls), to FWB's, to strong secondary relationships, to potential co-partners are all wanted.

Hell, just to avoid confusion (& missed opportunities), let me make it clear that I'm open to entirely nonsexual friendships, too - they're just not the main focus of my being on OKC.

It's simply that I'd just feel particularly blessed if, somewhere in all that, some fabulous lady (or decidedly/determinedly unladylike, but currently anatomically female, person) & I would find that particular extra spark that takes it from "Wow, you're a cool person to date, hang out with, & play with" to that extra-special "Dear Gods - I think I could drown in your eyes..." twitterpation.

Pure, occasional playmates - very cool.

Good to great friends who also like to play together - even better (just fine w/o the play, too, but again, not my focus here).

People I love/care for, & think of as lovers/girlfriends, but falling somewhere between the previous & following paragraphs - also fabulous.

Ass-over-teakettle, goo-goo-eyed, your-chest-hurts-when-you-see-or-think-of-them, bat-shit-crazy in Luuuurve - best of all. O;-)

Just thought I'd put that out there. In case, y'know, anyone so inclined (to be one of those people, **or to play matchmaker**) might be interested to know it, & maybe even willing to act on it.

My dear wife says that, if anyone has questions (including, but not limited to, whether or not she's really OK with this), you can ask her - you can find her on Facebook as Kimberly Roberts. The Kim Roberts account there is also hers.

In other news, it is sometimes hilarious, always delightful, & might even qualify as reasonably true descriptors (that's for others to say), that I have been called both "culturally queer" & "the world's queerest straight guy." (I sing show tunes, love to cook, have good color sense, make what they say are better choices than their own on nail polish & lipstick colors for my friends who wear the stuff, get tired of/pissed off at people condemning my love life just because it's not what they're used to, make snarky comments where apropos, etc.).

No reason you should care (unless you have such a reason of your own), just felt like sharing.

As for the OKCupid matching test itself (which I'm not even sure still exists - I can't find it anymore)... Due to their insistence on false either/or choices, which in turn seems to spring from their utter failure to take polyamory, swinging, open marriages, or other ethical forms of nonmonogamy into account in formulating their questions and answering options, I have so far gotten both the Playboy & the Loverboy as results, with equally honest answers - and that's having only taken it twice, while I'm personally sure I could give at least one or two more sets of *also* equally honest, yet different, answers, thereby getting yet other results. The descriptions of both the Playboy & Loverboy types have a greater-than-random level of truth for me, but both also have big blind spots/false conclusions, based again on those artificially forced either/or answers to what *should* be multiple choice questions, resulting largely, as I said, from their failure to take honest, loving, but OPEN relationships into account. Just so you know. ;-)


It may or may not (up to you) be interesting, distressing, or delightful to note that, even among my freaky/odd/weird friends, I am sometimes considered just a little strange. *Good* strange (mostly), but strange. Often, when someone thinks they have me pigeon-holed, I do or say something that takes them (& quite possibly myself) totally by surprise.

On another (mostly) unrelated note: I can (& do) see beauty & sexiness in a far wider variety of women than most guys do, even many other non-mainstream guys. And I often find that a woman I didn't think terribly attractive when I first saw or met her, becomes more & more attractive to me as I get to know her better.

That said, however:
Is it really so wrong of me to hope that, among all the cool women I might find myself attracted to upon meeting & getting to know them, I could also meet some fabulous women whom I find to be reasonably hot *before* I get to know them? - Ones who find me attractive, as well (on *either* basis [on sight, or on getting to know me]? I own a mirror & I readily understand that women being attracted to my looks alone is, while not impossible, not *the* likeliest thing in the world either.

Relationships where friendship &/or love kindle lust, in that order, are great; but I'd also like some where that sequence is reversed (feel the lust right away, *then* fall in love/become Friends With Benefits), y'know?

Does that make me a bad person? I don't think so, but that's me.

You know, I just figured - while I'm asking the universe for what I want in life, with no regard for likelihood or even plausibility (like a big lottery win), I thought I might as well throw that in, too.

I am non-monogamous, free thinking, and empathetic
What I’m doing with my life
Trying to make my days worthwhile to myself & those around me, whatever that may mean (getting more sleep or reading a book counts).

Trying to find & connect with women who might interested in, and interesting to, me.

Whatever allows me to share the most pleasure, knowledge, fun, & love with the greatest number of the most worthwhile people.

ADDENDUM: Okay, you really want to know? Well, here's some (more) of it...

I am on staff for 2 SF Bay Area conventions every year: PantheaCon (a pagan-based interfaith gathering modeled on sci-fi cons, held over President's Day weekend every February), and BayCon (one of the Bay Area's major fan-run sci-fi/fantasy cons, held over the Memorial Day weekend every May). I work in the ConOps room for P-Con, and run the Info Desk for BayCon. I love these communities, & several of the others they both tend to overlap with, like the polyamorous, computer/gamer geek, & kink communities.

I used to be very active in the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism), and still would be, if it weren't such an expensive hobby. :(

I'm not sure I should include the rest of this, but I'll see how it goes...

I am on disability, for issues not visible to the naked eye.

If you're the sort of person who assumes that any health problem they can't see isn't "real," & the person with the problem must be just a lazy faker - you're either someone who's been badly misinformed (& if you're willing to learn, cool), or a stupid, heartless git; if the latter, please move along now, as I have nothing civilized to say to you, and no interest in anything you might say. Invisible disabilities are just as real as missing limbs; if you can't grasp that, move along.

My issues, if you want to know, are concerned primarily with my breathing, IBS, & chronic pain. Ask, if you really want to know details, either of what the issues are, or what limitations they put on me.

The bad thing about being on disability, aside from the health issues that necessitate it, is relative poverty (& the limits that poverty puts on your activities).

The *good* thing about it is, I have a very flexible schedule & a lot of free time (which doesn't mean I'm not occasionally quite busy).

I sometimes spend a lot of time & effort helping other people deal with their "stuff." I am very good at it, and I ~like~ helping my friends - but I need some relationships that feed me in positive ways, where the other person *wants* me around because they enjoy my company (in whatever way), rather than needing me for support & help. Not that I expect anyone to have a problem-free life, or won't be there for them when something comes up; I just want to meet folks whose lives aren't *dominated* by their problems most of the time. Also, someone who is open to "processing" when it's really necessary - but who would rather *have & enjoy* a relationship than spend all their time *analyzing* it.

This is not in ANY way a dig at my current friends - quite the opposite: this is me TRYING to make sure I will have the energy to help them when they need it, by finding additional relationships that are low-stress/high fun-factor.

WARNING: MINI-RANT FOLLOWS! Another data point about me (about a *major* pet peeve of mine):

Understand that, below, I am NOT talking about the issue of white/straight/cisgendered male privilege, which is a very real issue. If I was rejecting THAT idea, I would specify it. I don't, because I'm not.

However, there are other issues that might be thought of as related, but which are substantively different.

I utterly reject the notion of collective or inherited guilt (as both are forms of guilt by association); if I personally didn't DO it, and was in no reasonable position to *stop* it, it was NOT my fault, and there's no reason I should be made "the bad guy" for it.

I further reject the idea that having been a victim of "X" (whatever "X" might be) makes one an expert on "X", or on the solutions to "X". Nor does it grant one moral superiority over, or the right to harangue & blame, other people. The mere fact that they don't share your particular flavor of victimization (even if that victimization is clearly real), or that they bear a superficial resemblance to those who abused you, neither makes them your enemy nor gives you a right to make demands of them.

ANY time you pass inflexible negative judgments about someone because they belong to some class or demographic group that that is based on anything but their own individual actions, that's bigotry - whether you're a Klansman claiming all nonwhites are subhuman criminals, a Male Chauvinist Pig claiming women exist only to please & serve men, a rabid Fundamentalist proclaiming that all who believe differently than you are devils & deserve to die... or a fat, black lesbian abuse victim blaming ALL white, straight men (or even all white, straight *people*) for the existence of everything that has ever harmed you in your life.

Bigotry is bigotry, prejudice is prejudice, racism & sexism are racism & sexism, *no matter* who it comes from or whom it's directed at - and it's *twice* as ugly coming from those who, having been victims of it themselves, should know better.

Two wrongs not only don't make a right - they make a bigger, and ever more self-perpetuating, wrong. An eye for an eye, as some wise person once said, leaves the whole world blind.

Besides, "my victimization is worse/more important than yours, & therefore makes me morally superior to you & means you owe me something" is not exactly either a convincing attitude to take (because it's false) nor a desirable one (because it creates resentment rather than empathy); it's not exactly a good way to win friends & influence people, y'know?

Real issues of systemic discrimination & abuse? Absolutely do exist, and are things I am very much against and want to help with if I can.And if I really screw up in some way, I want to know. But that's not what I'm talking about above.

I’m really good at
Being a good friend, singing, cooking, relationship/communication skills, pleasing/pleasuring, thinking, kissing, advising, snuggling, brainstorming, massages, teaching streetfighting skills, fairness, objectivity, pragmatic compassion. Reading aloud to my sweetie(-s). Seeing the other person's side, even when I really don't want to.

Giving pleasure in a variety of ways, definitely including the nonsexual (the aforementioned singing, cooking, massage, etc).

(Stipulated: I have some health issues that limit what I'm physically able to do these days, but I am gradually improving in that area. And there's a lot ways to please folks/enjoy time together that are mostly unaffected anyway.)

Not bragging - seriously, I'm not. Just accurately reporting what I've been told - but even after breaking up for other reasons, *exes* have told me things like "the bedroom was never a problem in our relationship; I never had any complaints there."

Put it this way: My wife is a major size queen; most of her sweeties, past & present, are/were somewhere between above average and HUGE. I, on the other hand, am *not* hung like a porn star (nor like a pencil, either - just not *big*).

Yet we've been together since 1997, married since 2002, & she still says I can please her as much as anyone. Feel free to ask her yourself, if you don't want to take my word for it.

*You* figure it out.


Helping people to appreciate certain movies, books, & good TV shows that they thought they wouldn't like, by helping them see these things from a different perspective, &/or giving them the references they were missing that made the thing confusing to them.

Subverting the dominant paradigm where it needs it, and defending it when it actually works (there's that "objectivity" thing again).
The first things people usually notice about me
Having asked around:

- My size/bear-like build (I am both heavy & quite muscular).

- My eccentricities.

- My blue eyes.

- My voice.

- The contrast between my being bald on top, yet having long hair otherwise.

- That I treat people well.

- That I have (usually well-reasoned, well-informed) strong opinions about many things & am not afraid to use/state them... but am perfectly willing to have my mind changed if there's a good reason to.

- That I am sensitive to real issues, but unwilling to adhere to anyone else's doctrines about them, nor their judgments about how I should think, behave, or express myself; I have no use for *anyone's* "party line" as such, on any issue, from the left or the right, though my own thinking is more likely to resemble the left on most - but not all - things. I'm just not doctrinaire or inflexible about it.

- That I am a sincere, but utterly harmless, D.O.M. (Dirty Old Man).
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
A brief sampling:

Books (well, OK, *authors*) - Robert Heinlein, Steven Brust, Jacqueline Carey, George RR Martin, Jim Butcher, Neal Stephenson, Niel Gaiman, Armistead Maupin (if you can read his _Tales of the City_ books & NOT fall in love with San Francisco, you have no soul), Peter McWilliams (his _Ain't Nobody's Business If You Do_ should be required reading in civics classes, and for anyone thinking about elective or apppointed political office, & can be read for free online);

Movies (directors) - Tarantino, Peter Jackson, Sam Raimi, Bryan Singer, Scorsese, Coppola, any fun sci-fi or fantasy; plus, _Heathers_ is my idea of a funny comedy, but anything with Adam Sandler or an emphasis on gross-out jokes is not. Stupidity, in itself, does not amuse me; mocking the stupidity of those in power, or other pretentious gits, does. And acid wit is better *for me* than slapstick, any day, as clever wisecracks & intelligent sexual innuendo beat fart jokes (with a big, hard stick);

Music (artists) - The Beach Boys to Evanescence, The Clash to Tori Amos, The Who to Coldplay, Mozart to Sinatra, Aaron Copeland to Mark Knopfler, Benny Goodman to Matchbox 20, 40's torch singers to Annie Lennox, John Williams to Steve Morrissey, Cole Porter to Alannis Morissette (distinctly *not* fond of most rap/hip-hop, really hard metal, or industrial - some sounds simply, literally, make my head hurt, and it's hard to enjoy those, though I make no judgment on those who do), enjoy being introduced to new music/artists as long as melody, harmony, skill, & lyric content are emphasized over volume, dissonance, & harsh or grating sounds;

Food - almost anything that's of good quality, but neither bitter, nor spicy-hot, nor having a whipped, airy, wet texture. Especially love Italian, Chinese, "new American," any sort of really ripe melon (especially honeydew & watermelon) or stone fruits (peaches, cherries, plums, etc), *actual, good* New York pizza (gods, I miss that!) & Italian Ices (no, that's NOT the same as sorbet or shave ice), & I'm a huge carnivore (medium-rare beef & non-fatty duck are faves, but I'm flexible)...

***Please note that I have zero problem with you being a vegetarian or vegan, as long as you have no problem with the fact that I'm not, & never will be, either; I'll even cook vegetarian/vegan food for you (& it'll be good!), once you give me a specific idea of your tastes. But I am a hardwired carnivore/omnivore, and I will not appreciate harsh judgments about that. Calm discussion of why *you* are a veggie-person, sure; but not judgmentalism against me for not sharing that decision.***

HOLD THE PRESSES! I have actually found 2 pizzerias west of New Jersey (let alone on the West Coast) that make *good* New York/Neapolitan pizza!

(Good Chicago style is much easier to find. Check out Zachary's, if you like deep-dish & haven't tried them yet.)

If you love, or have always wanted to try, real NY pizza, go to one of the locations of the _Amici's_ or _Pizza My Heart_ mini-chains. There's an Amici's in Dublin (we went there), & several more between Marin & Mountain View in the Western part of the Bay Area. There are _Pizza My Heart_ stores in Emeryville & Santa Cruz, & several other places. Hit them on Google, you'll find one.

Oh, hell, I could go on & on about my favorite whatever, and I *said* this was only a brief sample - and so it is. Yes, really, even though it's this long.
Six things I could never do without
By "could never do without," methinks, they most likely mean "things, *other than* the basic necessities of survival, but which you would be really, REALLY unhappy without." On that assumption, then...

In varying order, depending on the mood & the moment:

- Healthy, loving relationships of all sorts - from friends, to friends-with-benefits, to (more serious, but not necessarily live-in) lovers, to more spice ("spice" being the plural of "spouse").

- Great, varied sex - ideally with great, varied women, of course.

- Books.

- Good/great food.

- Massages.

- Music/singing.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
The 6 things I couldn't (happily) do without, obviously. ;-)

Also, the global & American political situation, how to avoid/reverse the gradually encroaching pluto-theocracy America's becoming (Obama: ba good few steps the correct [NOT "right"!] direction, but _far_ from perfect), why either Keith Olbermann or Rachel Maddow should, but probably can't, be the next President (after Obama's done), etc.

How cool it is that, as near as I can determine, the term "dyke tyke" (the male inversion of "fag hag," obviously) was invented specifically for me by a lesbian couple (duh) I was platonically in love with circa 1978-'81. If you want to see a 280+-lb gorilla cry, ask me to tell you the story some time (but only in person).

Never heard the term "culturally queer" before it was used to describe me, either, come to think of it (like "culturally Jewish," but about orientation instead of religion).
(See "Most Private Thing...," below, for more on this.)

How to meet & get involved with interesting, fun, compatible, reasonably sane-ish (by my warped standards, at least), bright, local (within 20 miles or so if I'm driving, whatever works for you if you are), sexy women (for multiple values of "sexy," *&* multiple values of "woman" [so long as it does not currently include a penis] not all of them conventional). ;-)

Related/overlapping interests: polyamory, politics, science news, kissing, the space program, polyamorous, archaeology/history sex, intelligent debate, libidinous activities, cuddling, nonmonogamy...
On a typical Friday night I am
Nothing in particular.

Want to make my Friday (or other) nights more interesting? O:-)
The most private thing I’m willing to admit

Nothing's really all that private with me; I know many people say this, but I really *AM* an open book. I'll tell just about anyone nearly anything they want to know, as long as it's not a confidence I'm keeping for someone else...

But for the sake of this question, let's say the following:

I love ellipses...

I am a sappy, sentimental person at times - songs or movies can sometimes make me cry, I can't stand to see animals that have been run over on the road, and so on.

I was badly bullied as a child, then got big & strong - I hate bullies. It delights me to make them go "squish" - something which, despite my age & health issues, I am still quite capable of, given any legally-acceptable justification.

I tend to be a lot of women's best guy friend - what I need to find are women who find that sexy, rather than those who think it means they *can't* be sexual with you. After all, if you can't do your friends, who ARE you supposed to have sex with - your *enemies*?!?

Mind, this doesn't mean I ~object~ to more female "just-friends"-type-people - they're just not what I'm primarily *looking for* on this site. But if I find one (or more), that's cool too!

I have occasionally been called "culturally queer," because I have a lot of stereotypically gay perspectives/attitudes/behaviors on some things, but no sexual interest in guys (this is a variation on the term "culturally Jewish" - which also applies to me, on my father's side - for people of Jewish descent & cultural referents, but who are not members of the Jewish religion). Lots of LGBTQ friends. See also: "the world's queerest straight guy."

***I am polyamorous/in an open marriage/have sometimes been a swinger & occasionally attend sex parties. This is VITAL info for anyone considering meeting me as a potential lover/FWB/what-have-you - go check out for more info, if you don't know what the word means.***

My wife has, & has had over the years, other sweeties, from some she's "in love with," to dear friend, to occasional "pure fun" playmates, and I hope to be able to say the same. She will be more than happy to tell you this herself - we have no secrets, and nobody is being lied to or cheated on. You can find her on Facebook under Kimberly Roberts.

I have considered myself a feminist for as long as I can remember. I lay no claim on perfection in regard to any or all gender issues, but I do my best, & always have. Sometimes that best has been better than others, but nobody is perfect.

I am highly sex-positive; I think a lot of our society's problems would be much relieved if we had a more universally approving view of all consensual sexuality, regardless of the number, genders, or kinks of the people involved.

I used to cater the snack table at 2 regular-ish Bay Area sex parties; sadly, they have gone the way of the dodo. Apropos of which, I/we are always looking for more "adult fun" parties to attend, especially if they take work-trade or have a "nobody turned away for lack of funds" policy (we're not cheapskates, we're just *poor*). Must be welcoming to all respectful people (little or no size/age/gender/sexual preference/kink limits).

I am mildly/moderately kinky (a submissive-preferent switch, for those who know what that means), but definitely *not* into heavy pain (for myself, that is - if *you* like pain, tell me what you like & I'll do my level best to accommodate you; though I have no sadistic need to do so, I do have a deep desire to make my partners happy, & enjoy doing so).
You should message me if
You like giving fruit to the gorillas. Especially the smart, human ones.

You have read, are amused by, and are more in agreement than not with the following article on "Poly Deal-Breakers," and other of ipsafictura's writings mentioned/linked to in HER "You should message me if" section:

You understand the wisdom to be derived from _Pinky & The Brain_, _Aunt Slappy_, or (more seriously but often with as much humor) Keith Olbermann's "special comments" & "Worst Person In The World" features, back when his _Countdown with Keith Olbermann_ show was on the air.

You do NOT believe that sex, in & of itself & *for its own sake*, is in any way a bad thing, or an unworthy motive in life, nor that someone who openly desires sex is in any way automatically bad (as long as they're reasonably polite) - but you DO value sex with love, or at least friendship, as well.

You do not think that differing tastes here & there automatically means that people are sexually or emotionally incompatible.

You understand that age really *is* just a number - otherwise, why would there be so many wise young people, & so many "adult" *morons*, in the world? You also consequently understand that an older person desiring or falling in love with a younger one (within the law, of course) is not ALWAYS, or automatically, "creepy" or otherwise bad.

You understand the holiness of fun. Seriously. And of chocolate, too.

You are:

- a woman (FSV "woman" - anatomically female, at least) who believes, given what I've said above, that we might enjoy each other;

- you're within what *you* consider reasonable traveling distance of Hayward, CA and able/willing to come here (or, if you want me to come to you more than occasionally, within an easy transit hop/less than 45-minute drive of me);

- you are an intelligent, open-minded, *decisively* NOT monogamous, female-type person interested in any relationship ranging from occasional, purely physical playmate to possible co-spouse in a multi-partner relationship with my wife & I, or anything in between (or off to one side).

Oh, and (obviously!) if you find the person you "meet" by reading this profile to be interesting &/or sexy, of course - that'd be a real good reason to message me! But you knew that.
The two of us