35 Brooklyn, United States
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My self-summary

That was my friend’s reaction when I told him I was going to do this.

Now, in my defense, I showed him the last profile I made… which got hundreds of responses. And surprisingly he has been with the same girl, who I will call Closet, for almost 2 years.

So what could possibly go wrong?

To the readers… I know I can’t reproduce the comedic gold of the last profile. But I assure you I can be an even bigger prick, and at the end of the day this is more for me than for you.

I mean, this is obviously for him.

With that said…

My friend, let’s call him “Not Like Most Black Guys” or “Just The Right Amount of Dangerous” (this was a lengthy debate after rejecting simple names like “Token” and “Gang Member #2”) actually doesn’t need help finding women. But his career gets in the way, so I’m here to offer a hand... and by hand I mean borderline offensive profile.

The format from the last profile worked so well I am going to stick with it. If you didn’t read the other profile basically that means I conducted an interview and you get to read the Mad Libs version.

If you like what you read… you might in fact be a racist. If you like what you read and aren’t a racist then you should follow the instructions at the bottom. If you are the right fit you might get the chance to go to Red Lobster and spot him because he is a little short this week.

If you dislike what you read, don’t blame me… it’s not my fault all stereotypes are true.

Let’s dance.

White Devil (that’s me): So, Just The Right…

Dangerous: Really, Devil? Are we *really* going to do this?

White Devil: What, this is a great idea. Just keep drinking your Hennessy and answer my questions. I will do the rest. I mean, when was the last time a white man screwed you over?

Dangerous: This is a terrible idea.

White Devil: No, Snakes on a Plane was a terrible idea. Ok, let’s start with an easy one…

Dangerous: What the fuck? I don’t want someone easy. If her score busts 3 digits, I’m out. I’m a fucking fancy man, Devil. I want someone awesome.

White Devil: Well, that could be a problem since you probably just alienated most of the readers. I can make it sound... less…. you? [I lied.]

Dangerous: This is a terrible idea.

White Devil: No, every Tyler Perry movie was a terrible idea. Ok. What kind of date are you looking for?

Dangerous: Well, you know, that depends.

White Devil: This ought to be good. Get ready to get a little turned on, ladies. Depends on?

Dangerous: Serious talk? I’m always up for some fuckin. So if she is fine as hell I can make it work…

White Devil: Dude… I can’t write tha…

Dangerous: … *but* if she is awesome then I’d want a real relationship.

White Devil: Ok… I suppose I can work with…

Dangerous: With lots of fuckin.

White Devil: If you keep it up I am going to change your name to Man-Whore. So let’s start with “fine”. What makes a girl “fine”.

Dangerous: Someone who doesn’t need a ton of makeup. And, you know, proportional.

White Devil: Proportional? I’m not sure I follow.

[At this point Dangerous gets up and starts singing along with Sir Mix-A-Lot, I look confused. Mostly because I am not sure why Sir Mix-A-Lot is in my living room. It’s pretty gay, but I go with it.]

White Devil: That was pretty gay, but I get it now. I mean, I don’t *get it* because I’m too white, but I understand you aren’t doing much for stereotypes. So, any specific race? It sounds like you just ruled out white girls.

Dangerous: No way, I’ve hooked up with plenty of white girls with a serious situation going on, you know what I’m sayin?

White Devil: I hear you, some of my favorite porn sites are white chicks on black dicks. But this is about you, not me. Preferred age?

Dangerous: Eighte… Wait, you are going to write what I say. Let me put on my game face. Ideally 27 to 30.

White Devil: You’re learning. I thought you were going the underage route. That reminds me, we probably need to restock on lollipops and chloroform. But I digress… Where should she live? Where is she from?

Dangerous: [under his breath]: What’s the age of consent here?

White Devil: What?

Dangerous: Huh?

White Devil: Nevermind, keep going.

Dangerous: I’m into NY girls… Brooklyn would be perfect but as long as she is near a subway line I can work with it. Correction, as long as she doesn’t mind taking the subway I can make it work. I am way too fancy to ride the train for more than 20 minutes. For real. Also, I kinda like women from liberal places. You know, California…. DC… Israel…

White Devil: ? [At this point I said the word question mark]

Dangerous: What, I like the chosen women. Don’t judge me.

White Devil: Oh, trust me, that’s not why I’m judging you. Smoking? Drugs? Alcohol?

Dangerous: I’m not really into chicks that do hard drugs. But, you know, if she can smoke a little and be productive that would be awesome. But she has to share because, you know, I might be a little short this week. I’m just sayin.

White Devil: Would you be upset if I made a joke about your dreads and you selling her crack?

Dangerous: Would you be upset if I punched you in the face?

White Devil: And *that* is why I wanted to call you Gang Member #2.

Dangerous: This is a terrible idea.

White Devil: No, Brown vs. The Board of Education was a terrible idea.

Dangerous: You’re the worst, Devil. Anyway… alcohol? I want someone who drinks socially. But the chick gets two black-outs a year. After that I am leaving her ass on the street. Fuck that.

White Devil: Classy.

Dangerous: Don’t judge me, she can take care of herself.

White Devil: Don’t worry, I’ll take care of her. It’s easier when they don’t scream. Sense of humor? Better than yours I hope

Dangerous: She has to be funny. Someone who can walk the line between dumb jokes and smart jokes. Someone who appreciates movies like Half Baked and most of the Chappelle Show. A chick with a big ass.

White Devil: What the hell does that have to do with a sense of humor?

Dangerous: Nothing, I just wanted to remind you how important it was that she had a fine ass booty.

White Devil: Noted. How about religion?

Dangerous: Ugh. That’s a negative. Agnostic, atheist or pretend Christians only. God is gansta and all, but I don’t roll with his crew.

White Devil: I didn’t hear Jewish but you said Israel earlier. Are you going for that large Israeli fake Christian demographic?

Dangerous: Correction. I like non-practicing chosen people.

White Devil: I’m starting to think your ideal girl only exists in your head. So what does this mythical creature do for a living?

Dangerous: Something creative…. even if it’s a creative science, like an engineer. But at night she should be a porn star. Yea. Or maybe a sound engineer for porn. Yea. That’s cool.

White Devil: I often wondered where the soundtracks for porn come from. I figured that it had something to do with fat sweaty 40 something men. I bet they do have big asses though, so that’s a win. Economic status?

Dangerous: Well, you know, I’m a little short this week.

White Devil: Not you jackass, her.

Dangerous: Well I don’t know about status, but I’m not going to pay for Red Lobster myself. That bottle of Hennessey is almost empty, so this is your last question. Make it count.

White Devil: Ok, besides running out of cognac, what are your pet peeves? And if I hear anything about a flat ass I quit.

Dangerous: That’s a good question. I can’t stand women who are insecure or are afraid of change. I don’t want anyone who brings ex—baggage. Willful ignorance, introverts, religion. Someone who doesn’t want to fuck me like a rock star.

White Devil: So basically your pet peeves are every girl you’ve ever dated?

Dangerous: The only way I am going to know what I want is to fuck what I don’t and add it to the list. But they all had a fine ass!

White Devil: Ok, this interview is over.

Dangerous: Devil, I’m curious.

White Devil: Bi-curious?

Dangerous: No! Fail!

White Devil: Oh, that’s disappointing. Curious about what?

Dangerous: Will this actually work?

White Devil: Probably not.

Dangerous: This is a terrible idea.

White Devil: Probably.

And that folks, is that. Honestly I had a lot more material but this is already more than you deserve. If you read the whole thing and you meet his criteria… then you are probably full of shit. But on the off chance I am wrong, and you want the opportunity to date Dangerous, let’s talk.

Just like last time I am laying down some ground rules. And just like last time I expect 75% of the responses are going to ignore those rules and be deleted. I will be reading (read: weeding) through all the responses. To demonstrate that you can read and follow basic instructions and that you have a sense of humor make the subject “I have a fine ass!” even if you do not. Include a few key pieces of information like age, location and a few sentences on why I should bother.

Also, make sure your profile includes a clear, recent picture.

Good luck. You’re going to need it.