36Los Angeles, United States
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My self-summary
Hello, ladies of the Internet.

I'm a cat gentleman. It's like a cat lady, but less sad--more distinguished.

If 1980's Michael J. Fox and Nietzsche had a kid, I would get along famously with that guy. We'd sip bourbon into the wee hours and play backgammon, debate literature, trade bad-movie wisecracks and repartee, hold forth on John Cassavettes or the merits of a Reese's "Big Cup", have probing, revelatory life-talks, and be doubles partners in tennis.

I grew up on a horse farm...It was odd. (Note: this is not a euphemism for me being sexually abused by horses. It's complicated.)

I'm more a person's person than a people person. To be a regular practitioner of irony and levity is important; but more so the occasional the ability to stop on dime and really say something.

I like to tell a good yarn; and I've endured certain absurd lengths knowing secretly they could provide material. Anecdotes and refreshing, irreverent points of view make me happy.

"Miss Carpenter. Please. I know my business. You just keep your eyes open for any bananafish." --Seymour Glass

"I've decided to become a mensch. You know what that means? A human being." -- Jack Lemmon, The Apartment
What I’m doing with my life
Following my dream, getting better and better at writing. I was working on some short stories, but got inspired to try a screenplay. The short, informal pitch is: "Taxi Driver meets Pretty Woman meets Harry Met Sally."

Meanwhile: Oiling up SF's old, rich, white ladies (translation: I'm a certified massage therapist).

I ghostwrote some strange books years ago...

Teaching my phone a lot of four letter words.

Finally--after more than two decades of trying--making delicious fried rice.
I’m really good at
Pretty good at massage, it turns out. Just a career I fell into, but I'm kind of a hot shot at it. Remember Tom Cruise in Top Gun? I'm like that, but with Swedish massage.

Collecting weird true stories. Ask me about Operation Acoustic Kitty.

Revising other people's personal statements for school.

Chopping vegetables (I have an enthusiasm for it, I should say).
The first things people usually notice about me
Many have noted that I seldom smile. It takes more muscles to frown, and I'm working out my face. Science, bitches. (Not you, dear reader--I assume you're not a bitch. The proverbial bitches.)
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Top Ten Books: 1. Catcher in the Rye; in no particular order: The Bell Jar, Hunger, Nightwood, Concrete, Alfred and Guinevere, Nog, The Sun Also Rises, The Verificationist, Requiem For A Dream.
Runners Up: Grendel, Pictures from an Institution (I tend to love novels written by poets), Kerouac, Elect Mr. Robinson For a Better World. Short Stories: Barthelme, Carver, Wolff, Jesus' Son, David Gates. Poetry: Frost, Robert Lowell, Schuyler, Ashbury.

Blue Valentine, Five Easy Pieces, Chinatown, The Last Detail, Black Swan, Faces, The Graduate, The Conversation, Bullhead, Take Shelter, Head-on, The Master, Punch Drunk Love, Coen Bros., Michael Clayton, Inception, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, Greenberg, The Squid and the Whale, and anything Noah Baumbach, and most things Cassavetes.

Music: Lykke Li, Taken By Trees, Julia Stone--don't know why I dig so much these ethereal-voiced chick singers. Ratatat, Bob Dylan, Tom Waits, Laura Gibson, Adam Green, The Blow, Elvis Perkins. This guy Jackson C. Frank is amazing and so totally unknown; dude has the saddest life story ever.

Comedy: Louis C.K.

Food: Vegetarian, with regular cheeseburger binges.
Six things I could never do without
My integrity/shame
My friends
The Great Catsby (pictured)
Sense of hu'
New books
A world that let's you have more than six things
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Whatever story I'm working on. Formerly: Hitler's fake cousin, tennis, Brooklyn tough-guy accents, and an emergency guppy cesarean.

How absolutely insane a lot of people sound once you've gotten the low-down on them.

As Raymond Carver says, "Fundamental accuracy of statement."
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I thought the "Y'all Got Issues" section would be a sort of forum where I could rant openly about the issues y'all got. 'Cause some of y'all got some.

My cat shits standing up; and I can't help but be proud.
You should message me if
Not if you're a couple who want me for intercourse while all of our dads watch, in which you want me to roleplay as a unicorn in a tiara. Why does this keep happening to me?

Okay, maybe still contact me. Tiara is the dealbreaker.
The two of us